I, my name is Sabrina .I was suspecting my husband was cheating on me for a long time.He was spending too much time online..so i decided to purchase a software to prove my suspicions , but in the same time i was afraid to find out the truth..it was a nightmare for me.Finally i bought it and i found out that my loving husband was chating with girls and he was masturbating in front of his computer.I did the right thing when i bought that software...if you ever have suspicions about what your husband is doing online don't hesitate to get a software:)

When you found out what he was doing in front of the computer, what did you do? My WS did this for about 5 or 6 years and finally had an affair with a girl that was 33 years younger than him. I asked him to end the affair and he said he couldn't so I told him to move out of the house. He has been out for almost 2 months. He is in therapy, but not for reconciliation, just to get his head togather. Be very careful if you H is masturbating in front of the computer, my therapist has told me that is usually the H's first move to escape from reality and to move into a world of fantacy where you can't compete. Hope you can get yourselves in some therapy, I tried that but spouse went into instant denial. We lived to gether for 8 more years, but he kept closing doors on our relationship, until he finally had an affair and got caught. I don't know how many other affairs he has had and I'm getting ready to through in the towel and file for divorce. My advice is get some help fast, before you H loses himself in this fantacy world. Good Luck!

Sabrina --

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry for what has brought you here but glad you've found us. It's a real refuge and source of broad perspective and great strength. Many of us have survived our betrayals primarily with the interaction of this board's kind and generous members.

Yes, you've done exactly the right thing, even though your actions have exposed and confirmed this nightmare. But it's much better to know what you're up against than to have to guess constantly. You evidently felt something was amiss with your H and you cared enough about your marriage and yourself to be proactive about those feelings. Smart move! Yes, it hurts a lot to learn the truth but now you know and you can take steps to remedy the problems in your relationship.

Have you confronted H about what you've learned? If not, do it. No advantage in waiting as things like that tend to go from bad to worse, and sometimes very rapidly. Nip it in the bud.

Online contacts of this nature are terribly destructive to the security and health of any relationship. If his is a long-standing problem, as you indicate, probably counseling for him is the soundest path. Find someone good locally or try the Harleys right here. If this is a sex-addiction problem, professional help is the necessary route.

This is a symptom of some disconnection in your marriage, but not necessarily something you've done or caused. He is going elsewhere for his fulfillment in at least some areas. Any other problems? How is your "love life" and your communication? Are things going well for you in your marriage? Are you comfortable and "safe" in other areas? Are there any indications that these online visits have escalated into anything else?

If you'd like, please give us some details: your ages, how long married, children, etc., whatever you're all right with.

Please post again and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon

Sabrina.... welcome

My W got involved with internet chatting, then on-line sex, phone-sex and eventually meeting several men in person.

Luckily ( i guess) I found all this out in relatively short time. The whole thing transpired over a period of about 2 months.

I was devistated by all of it and my wife luckily (i guess) didn't fall in love with any of these folks.

We are in MC for US, and she is in seperate counciling for her addiction issues and recent OCD diagnosis.

I am in the technology business, and there are days I curse the internet, and just how many relationships it has ruined !!

There ARE good places however (like here) that
are worthwhile.

Best of luck to your and your H. It is a rocky road after all this comes out, but it CAN end up making your relationship better
if you both want it.

Thank you very much...i like it here:)
Well when i found out what he was doing i put an end to our relationship.We've been together for 5 years but sadly it's over.Maybe that's for the best

Sabrina

Sabrina,

My husband did the same things. Some of the relationships had moved to telephone contact and a few to meeting in person. I found out by sitting down at his IM account when he accidentally left himself logged on.

He stopped the activity entirely when I found out. He knew it was the only way I’d stay married to him. We discussed things until we figured out what was driving him to do this. It is now two years later. We live our marriage by the MB concepts and are very happy.

We do use the key stroke tracking software on all of our computers now.. but it’s to keep us honest. Additionally, chat and email with opposite sex ‘friends’ is totally unacceptable in our relationship now. These are part of our safety plan.

Some people do as you did and leave. Others stay to work on the marriage. Something like 98% of all marriages survive affairs. What you choose to do is totally up to you.

Zorweb,

I was so happy to read your post and gain some hope from it..............I want so much for my H to recover from his sex addiction. He appears to be doing so. I'm afraid, of course, but your post helped <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I post primarily on the recovery forum because that's where things are at.

Roberta

Zorweb,
what can i say ,your post cheer me up:)
We are divorced now and i'm happy about that, i couldn't live in the same house with him..

I got news for you--he didn't stop, he is just hiding it better.

IMHO, women underestimate how much men masturbate. Just as men don't understand the love/affection aspect of women, women don't understand the sex aspect of men.

The discussion about masturbation between husband and wife goes something like:

W: Hey, don't pet the one eyed snake. Come to me and I'll take care of it for you.
H: Well, I would like to have sex every day.
W: Is that all you think about? Sex, sex, sex. You're a pevert.

So, the hubby ends up feeling guilty about his sexual desires, and then hides his conduct.

IMHO, get off the "end masturbation" kick. Men do not confuse masturbation with real sex. (For one thing, it doesn't help the complexion.) And, believe it or not, men can differentiate fantasy from reality.

If the husband is not fulfilling a wife's sexual desires due to his masturbation, then there is a problem.

If the husband is fullfilling his wife's desires and his wife is reasonably sexually active, then a husband "taking matters into his own hands" to fulfill his remaining sexual needs is reasonable, understandable and harmless.

probably that you are right Jimmy but i don't care about that..not anymore..we are divorced
and i'm happy now:)

I like to know about this software since I found out last night he is in adult chat.

Also, regarding masturbation. My DH has known all along I don't mind...I fully understand his 'need' to get some 'relief'. HOWEVER, I NEVER< EVER< EVER say 'no' to him. Masturbation has taken the place of us making love. To me that is not acceptable. If he 'needs' porn/chat to masturbate then he doesn't need to masturbate IMO. We have a photobook of pics taken of me in various seductive stages...LOOK AT THAT if he wants 'porn' that way his view of what I should or should not look like won't be distorted.

Ok Bike i'll explain you about this soft.When i first bought it i thought that i'll never handle with it but it is very easy to use.It's a monitoring software, records all keystrokes typed and takes screenshots(exactly what i needed). My husband did not know about it ,it's very small he couldn't find it:)
Don't hesitate to ask me if you have other questions:)