Hi there. I usually post on the Emotional Needs forum. But I'm thinking you all can give me some feedback on this relevation. I copied and pasted this from my post on EN under the title "bizarre, H reveals his secret".

**************
Things have been seemingly good lately, at least I felt they were. Last night we were driving to a park, and somehow got on the topic of H being flirty. This wasn't any kind of a complaint, he's a good talker and women typically like him (and he's hot) and sometimes he flirts. He starts protesting that no, he doesn't.

Me: Sure you do! Aren't you always hugging and kissing (cheek) the women I work with?

H: (defensively) Not really! I can't help it, and I want everyone there to like me!

Me (confused at his defensiveness, we had been playful): Well they do like you, I'm not complaining or asking you to stop, just pointing out who you sometimes flirt with.

H: Fine then. I won't do it anymore.

Me : Okay, you stop that, and I'll give up Dave (this old grumpy guy I work with who's pining for me) (trying to lighten things up).

H: I know you've f'ed someone.

Me: huh??

H: don't worry about it, it doesn't bother me anymore.

At this point, he doesn't want to discuss it further. Wants us to just "get along", cause everything's FINE.

After some time (and me sitting in the park crying while H plays with kids), he finally discloses "who" it is (didn't want to tell me who, said it's irrelevant, to which I agreed that if it were true it would be irrelevant). It was a neighbor of ours from several years ago.

Now, here's where it gets really weird.

This neighbor and his wife had been friends of ours. And I sometimes watched their kids. When they moved (only about 15 miles away), they suddenly wouldn't return my calls and acted very strange. H and I both thought (before they moved) that this guy was cheating on his wife. We even had a suspicion of with who. Soon after these neighbors moved, things started going down hill. It lasted about 9 mos to a year. We weren't having sex, H completely shut me out. Started his addictive behaviors. I was miserable, starving for affection, attention, sex. We came very close to getting divorced at one point.

Do ya know how he "found out"?? This guy TOLD him!!! His wife was there and he told my H that we had sex. ????

Now, IT ALL MAKES SENSE!!

H keeps vacillating between "believing me" and having doubts. I've been telling him that I don't blame him at all for doubting. But that it does hurt. But what really hurts is that he kept this for over 3 years!!! Held it against me. He says he just "got over it" and that it hasn't affected our relationship, doesn't seem to remember how awful things were. And now he's being really nasty to me. I suppose that's understandable...if you were to call this "D day", he'd be feeling like punishing me.

I'm miserable, hurt, been crying. He doesn't understand why if I didn't do anything why I'd be upset I'm sick to my stomache, and I have no idea how to behave around him. I feel so uncomfortable around him.

Right now he's out with kids watching fireworks...part of me is regretful that i didn't go too, but I felt I couldn't go with him.

I'm so confused right now, and don't have anyone to talk this through with.

lola,

This is a really tough one… since most WS lie about their affairs, how can the falsely accused protect themselves? Is there any way you can prove to him that the entire thing was a lie?

The idea of suing the guy comes to mind. I’d be very tempted to write him and his wife an open letter ripping through the guy for lying to his wife and your husband about you. You know, what comes to mind is that perhaps he was having an affair and so he had to name someone and wanted to protect the OW? Or perhaps he just wanted to hurt you and your husband. In any case the guy is a sleaze bag.

When your H says that he does not understand the way you are behaving if you are not guilty you may want to tell him that it’s because there is no way you can prove yourself innocent. That you are hurt the he kept it in for so long, that he believes the ‘friend’ and not you his wife. That you know the way this can damage your marriage and you are powerless to prevent the damage.

Have you asked your husband how he thinks you can prove your innocence to him? If he comes up with nothing, then point out the position you are in .. Guilty until proven innocent. A lifetime of accusations when you have done nothing.

That he does not trust you is a huge problem. That is what I would attack right now.

There is a paragraph or so in ‘Surviving an Affair’ in which Harley addresses what a WS should do when the BS punishes them into eternity for their infidelity. He tells the WS to tell their spouse that they know that the affair was wrong. They are making amends, but they will not allow the BS to beat them up over it for a lifetime. So if the BS cannot put it aside and work on the marriage then the marriage is over.

Perhaps you need to tell him this same type of thing. “I’ve paid a very heavy price for an affair that I have never had. I understand that it’s hard for you to believe that the neighbor would tell such a lie, that on some levels it’s easy to believe the accusations. But I did not do this. If you insist on continuing to punish me for something I did not do, our marriage is over. I want to rebuild our marriage but you have to join me in this.”

Remember that one of the main MB concepts is a no-contact letter. In your case I’d say that instead of the no contact letter, I’d send a ‘how dare you letter’. If you have suspicions of who he was cheating with, maybe just maybe you could talk to that person and see if you can get some light shed on it. This man has done a horrible thing to you.

Then I would follow the MB prescription for rebuilding a marriage. Short of this guy convincingly taking back his story you are going to have to address this with your husband. Rebuilding trust is important. Perhaps if you did the thing MB suggests for this it will help your husband get beyond his fears and hurt.

Ask your husband how he would react if you accused him of an affair unfairly and how he would want you to treat him? See if he can come up with some things that might be helpful.

Your husband has a real trust issue. If he did he would have told you of the accusations from day one so you could address them. I’d let him know that you are angry at him for this because you were not given the chance to defend yourself. Instead he assumed you guilty. This tells me that he does not trust you. I would tell him that while you understand that with what he was told, he has to deal with his mistrust and you are willing to work with him on this. But that the issue of trust goes two ways. You have to trust him too and right now it’s not easy for you to trust him because he categorically believed a lie about you and never gave you a chance to defend yourself. If he kept this secret for so long then he is not being open and honest with you. This is probably not the only thing.. there are probably many. And the fact that he has used the info given to him by this neighbor and by you to hurt you emotionally makes you not trust him. So what is he going to do to rebuild your trust in him?

Few BS realize that the trust issue goes both ways.

Have you thought about calling Dr. Harley on this one? I’m really curious about what he would tell you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

That's what H says...that if it is true that I'd lie anyway...I've asked him what I can do to help him believe in me. I don't have any idea of how to prove it isn't true. A year after N's "confession", we moved cross country.

H refuses that this has damaged our relationship ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), doesn't recall our difficulties during that time, thinks that he got over it and learned to live with it...and it it's not true it shouldn't matter to me. Even if our lives hadn't been disrupted and we hadn't almost divorced and he hadn't gone into addiction mode again...even then, how am I supposed to be OK with this?? He doesn't think that I should be hurt by a false accusation!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask your husband how he would react if you accused him of an affair unfairly </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I held back from this. In '95 he had an A with a stripper. We recovered from that. However, he would still maintain that it wasn't physical (it was, yes I have proof). I didn't want to open that can of worms! Also, I thought that if I brought that up, he may think that I was trying to get the spotlight off myself.

Open and Honest has never been one of H's strong points. BUT, it has improved greatly, especially with working through addiction. So that he held this from me is a trigger for those feelings of living with an addict.

I don't know how to go about rebuilding his trust for me. If he had a problem with that, could it be because he wasn't trustworthy himself (not meaning sexually, but finacially, legally, ect)? In recent months, even the last year, MB has greatly helped our marriage...I had/have been planAish, and curbed my LBing. So now I'm supposed to prove myself trustworthy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Someone else suggested suing them too. I wonder how plausible that is? I'm going to look them up, see if they still live there, get their number...but I'm not sure yet what to do with any info I get.

Ok, I just found their address and phone number on the internet. WHAT should I do with it? I know that H would not approve of contacting them at all. But I feel I need to? Should I contact her or him? Letter or phone?

I would certainly contact them. Something does not seem right here. Tell your husband you would be more than happy to take a polygraph exam (it costs a few hundred dollars) as long as he is willing to take one also. I wish you luck.

Lola-G

Something ain't kosher in what your hubby is telling you.

You say he has addictions. Transferring the guilt and shame from him to you would be a normal thing for an addict to do, I think. If you aren't a faithful wife, then he could feel, (falsely, but lots of people live under illusions), that his problems aren't entirely his fault.

I am a sex addict, and this type behavior is all too familiar to me.

I don't think involving yourselves with the sleazeball ex-neighbors will accomplish anything productive in your life. The problem now is with your hubby's attitude and use of what any unbiased person would consider dubious information.

Have you thought of contacting Cerri/Penny? Here is her website: http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com. If you email her, (info_lifeworkscoaching@yahoo.com), she might be able to give you some more insight.

Good luck! For what it is worth, I think your hubby is acting like a selfish jerk, attacking your character to hide the flaws in his own. Being a lying cheater myself, I guess I can spot the behavior. But maybe I'm just too cynical - talk to Penny.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: doofus ]</small>

lolagranola,

I agree that the more you tell us, the more it seems that something is just not right. Like maybe the neighbor never did tell him this. It may suit your husband's purpose to accuse you.. to take the focus off of himself.

Though I still think contacting the old neighbors would me a good idea. You did say that they stopped communicating with you at some point and it made no sense. There is perhaps something to find out from them.

Doof, yes, that is exactly the type of thing an addict does. Even long into recovery these things never feel the same. The more responses I get, the more I question if it is a fabrication. Question...we spouses of addicts can never stop questioning and protecting ourselves. Intuition gets confused with jumping to conclusions.

In this particular case, no, I do not think that's what he is doing (which does not explain the years lapse in sharing this info). It was several months after this couple moved that H went back to his addictive tendancies...the addiction relapse followed W's "A"?

(BTW H is a compulsive gambler...although "gambler" doesn't even begin to really illustrate what his problem is...more of a financial retardation and blatant disregard for authority...no physical addiction...which in some ways is all the more diffucult to live with because the red flags are harder to recognize, inappropriate behaviors are blurred with normal)

But I am aware of this, and am not discounting it.

The link to the website didn't work for me?? I'm sure I can find it somewhere else on MB though.

I do intend to contact Ns. H doesn't want me to, but I told him this is devestating to me, it's not just his deciscion. Still unsure of how to go about it.

Thank you all.

Maybe I'm just overly suspicious(ok, I know I am -but with good reason <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), and I don't know your H at all, of course.....

BUT, my first reaction to your post was that he was lying and fishing for info. Bluffing.

One possible scenario is your H never had that conversation with the neighbors. Maybe it recently occured to him that perhaps YOU were the one the N guy was having an affair with [trying to find something on you so he wouldn't look quite so bad?] and he figured that if he told you the N guy had confessed that maybe you would, too? He didn't have much to lose either way: If it was true, then he was right; If it wasn't true, well he can point the finger at the absent lying neighbor.

All that is total conjecture, of course. I must admit that I pulled similar stunts with my WH. Example (loooong ago): Me: I know you had sex with OW#1. H: I did NOT! Me: I just called her, we talked for an hour. She caved and told me everything because you've been lying to her, too. H: (confessing, weeping, begging)

I was bluffing. She wouldn't tell me anything, just said "you have to talk to your H about that". That bluffing thing only works once or twice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm certainly not saying that's what your H was trying to do. Just another possibility.

BTW, I would call the neighbor wife and ask if that conversation took place. She'd be less apt to lie about it than her H.

What a weird situation for you, lola. Best of luck.

Lori

Fixed the link.