Dear crushed,, I can't believe how much our similarities are.. I feel all the same things its so unfair, I wish I could Talk with you. Im hurtin so bad too. I hope things get better for you Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I want to thank everyone for the support I have been freely given. Each day I learn more, this is a double edged sword. The more I learn about dealing with this the better off I handle it but the more I learn about this the more I learn about the affair and the circumstances surrounding it. The IMAGES haunt me they send me into a rage inside. I have a small fire burning the is being fueled with anger and resentment I have a choice to let it go but cant for some reason. I do have another question. How have other men in my position dealt with the overwhelming desire to go to this punk and beat him sensless? I know it takes two to play, I know it wont solve anything, I know I will pay consequnces so please save your typed time. I still, after knowing full well that it wont help, and will probably hurt, want to choke the [censored] with one hand while I pound him with the other. I cant forgive him, I dont want to. I cant ignore the anger it will grow. I sure cant confront him,Im A big guy I would hurt him and enjoy it, keeping in mind I'm not at all a violent person I have not been in a fist fight in 20years but I want him to pay the consequences for the part he played in ruining everything I ever Held sacred and close to the center of the deepest part of my heart, He took my best friend and ruined my marriage, he took both parents from two great kids who dont deserve any of what they have seen or experienced in the recent past.
I Trust there is an answer as there has been for each of my other questions so far, so please once again HELP ME!

i to want to know all the details. we figure it will answer the WHY question. WE want to compare them to us. See what they are doing that we are not.Good luck talk talk talk. Get all your uestions answered and ask her what she wants also. you may be suprised.

2crushed your feelings are normal but I highly advice you to go see a doctor and have him/her prescribe you anti-depressants. The more control you have over your emotions the better you can carry out an effective plan of marital recovery otherwise you run the risk of having your actions being dictated by your emotions and sabotage all your hard earned efforts to save your marriage. I took them and I regained control over my emotions and thus function like a normal human being. They definitely helped me and I am certain that they will help you to.

Here's what I think about your posts and some of the replies. What you are living and feeling is completely normal. I lived it. It hurts terribly, it is anguish.

There is no justification. If the marriage was imperfect, that's normal. It was your marriage too even in it's imperfection but you did not make this terrible choice. You chose to live in your marriage and keep the vows. If she had problems with you she should have come to you.

I called my husband many many bad things at the beginning. Certainly for more than two days! Get the kids out of there or do something but make sure they do not hear any of it.

I told my kids I was sick and worn down and that we were having some grown up problems. I faced it one morning and realized that no matter what, even if they did know what their dad had done, they would simply beg me to let him stay and continue living with them and me. They would beg. So keep it away from their ears, they love her as they should. Don't let them have to worry about the fact that she is not what they think and need her to be. They need that. Get it out of your system, I think but way out of earshot.

Good luck and God bless. I hope you are a Christian because my faith helped me so much. Praying to Jesus to carry some of my physical pain really worked for me. At least I could function after that.

Again I thank you all for your experience and strength. Today is our 11th anniversary and I feel like I cant do this. I feel a void inside.
This day means nothing to me now, and it used to be my favorite day of the year a day where I showered her with gifts and love, And now I dont even want to buy her a pack of smokes. I want the rollercoaster to stop I'm getting dizzy. We have an appointment Monday with a mc/dr I hope we find some hope.

2crushed:

I have been on both sides of the affair fence, as the betrayed spouse and as the wayward spouse.

From the BS point-of-view: You feel betrayed, you are deeply wounded ... all the things you have revealed here. You want to go punch his lights out. Heh. I was half-way out the door with a 9mm before sense took over (divine intervention, actually, but that is beside the point).

The bottom line: you have to get yourself to a point where you can function beyond the anger. Notice I did not say that you won't be angry. It is just that you can't show it or act on it.

So you must ask yourself: do I want to be right and divorced; or do I want to do all that must be done to save my marriage and my wife?

Your wife is in a double state: denial and defensiveness. In order to move beyond this, you have to SHOW her that you can provide her a safe harbor to tell the truth, that you are willing to invest in changing yourself to meet her needs better. That is what Plan A is all about. If you haven't started that already, you needed to do that about 5 minutes ago.

All right; the pain is there, the hurt is deep. Like any wound, it heals with time. But the scar of it can be ugly and deep, or clean and hardly noticable ... which type of scar you bear is up to you.

It is imperative that you not only read these posts, read all the material on this site. If you have not already ordered it, click on the Bookstore tab above, or click Bookstore. Order Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. There are other books you can get later, but these will cover the immediate things you need to know/do.

From the WS point-of-view: Jimmy Mac has offered you some very, very valuable insights. I am currently writing STL's Guide to Understanding the WS and the WS's Guide to Redemption. I will post it in a few days. But I know how she feels. Trapped and scared. Trapped by what she has done, and scared that there is no way to undo the harm she has done. There are probably other things she feels as well, but those are the main two.

She has done something terribly wrong, and she knows it. She just cannot express it to you because she does not feel you are providing her a safe environment in which to do so, and beyond that, she still sees that what was lacking in the marriage to begin with is still there, as you have made no attempt so far to meet the emotional need(s) that drove her to the affair in the first place.

Remember, the state of the marriage prior to the affair was 50% your doing. Even if you thought all was good and wonderful, it is obvious that your spouse did not. So, if you are to move forward, you need to recognize the things in the marriage for which you were/are responsible.

Then fix them. That is what meeting Emotional Needs (ENs) is all about.

The longer you dwell on and in your pain, the more time you give her to withdraw into herself and to construct revisionistic history that will only serve to self-justify what she has done [and further distance her emotionally from you and the marriage]. So therefore, starting a Plan A NOW is most important.

Hope this has been a help, and wishing you both
Godspeed,
STL

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: SeenTheLight ]</small>

I just need to vent.. I just recieved a call from my w best friend she said that my w would like for the 3 of us to sit down tonight and talk, that it was very important and urgent. She stated that my w has something to tell me and wanted a third party there when she did. I dont know what to think,
i cant not agree what if she needs me? I cant agree what if it's bad news. I cant handle anymore. What if it is good news and the healing is about to begin I suppose I could make myself crazy thinking about this.
I very much sensed that it is bad news and guys
I'm still in so much pain I dont think I can carry anymore. I'm a broken man. Two years ago at age 34 I had a major heart attack I laid there in that intensive care unit with my best friend my wife at my side And when I would get discouraged she would smile and say you have to do it your special,I love you to much to give up on you or allow you to give up on you.(the whole time she was fighting back tears because I was in very critical condition with a 35 chance of making it this is the lady I married, this is the lady I miss this is the lady he took from me.
I guess I will go face the music soon....

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: 2crushed ]</small>

Crushed. Take care of yourself. I for one do not believe your wife's affair was 50% your fault. You were not abusing her, you were not a bad husband. She did the affair all on her own. Go see what she wants. But please take good care of yourself. You are a good person even if she is not.

Baba2:

The affair was zero percent his fault. The state of the marriage was a 50-50 split. Needs on both sides were not being met. [When needs are not being met, intentionally or not, it opens the door to the possibility of an affair.] That is what the Emotional Needs assessment is all about; you both then will understand each other's needs, and not what you perceive to be one another's needs. Learning to meet your spouse's Emotional Needs not only helps immensely in the recovery process, it helps in the future by creating a mechanism to essentially affair-proof the marriage.]

The wife and the OM bear 100% for the affair, and the OM bears 100% responsibility for continuing it; but he bears 0% of the responsibility for the state of the marriage before the affair began.

2crushed: One step at a time; see your doctor to help you with the stress of the situation, particularly given your medical history. Then go on to read the things here; if you have not yet done so, I highly urge you to order and read the book Surviving an Affair (use the tab Bookstore at the top of the page).

You are in an unenviable position, but others have been there before you and survived, moved on, and salvaged their marriages (myself and Zorweb among them). So though things seem pretty bleak at the moment, give it time to settle down, and begin to learn the process and acquire the tools to begin marital recovery.

If you want to be "right" and not married, and if you do not want to improve yourself as a husband, go immediately to Plan D (divorce).

Godspeed,
STL

ps Bracketed material was added after the original post.] STL

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: SeenTheLight ]</small>

crushed,
may i just say that wondering, worring and imagining the worst about something is far more horrible, (in most cases) then actually dealing with the eventuale reality of the situation.

if you look at the matter with a little logic, then what can she do to you? what more is there that she can hurt you with. and if she decide to leave you...you won't die of it! really...and who's to say that you might not even be better off!

look, what ever happens, you can face it knowing that you've done your best. after all that's all anyof us can do! so stand tall and be proud...if she decided that you're not for her then it's just one more big mistake that she's making!

good luck
coach

STL, thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience I can take something from everyones posts but seem to really need to hear your input its on time honest and healthy and for that I thank you.
Well last night I sat and listened to my w/ tell me that she is so SORRY!!!! That she cant believe what she did, she cant believe how much she was able to hurt me as much as she did, she said that one day last week she looked at me saw my pain and it appeared thta it was so deep seeded that she thought she could no longer go on so went to look for the same *hand gun that I took to go looking for him so she could end the miserable feelings of quilt and humiliation and end it for herself. *( since day two I had a friend remove all guns hunting or otherwise from my home)
This is what I was looking for, I almost feel quilty myself for persisting that she feel this pain but now I Know that there is a chance at being happy again in love, with my best friend.
She is in an incredable amount of pain,she feels like a worthless pile of trash, she claims not to have been able to look in the mirror for a week.
I didnt think I could, but I comforted her, We cried together, we just held each other for hours, we made each other feel good we laughed it was the first time I talked with my wife, my best friend, my soul-mate in months, it seemed. STL, I think I can see the light to, I just hope its not a train.

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: 2crushed ]</small>

Pat:

It sometimes looks like a train ... and sometimes it even feels as if the d**n thing is ready to jump the tracks. But, it is the only train going to the final destination: a recovering marriage.

You are doing well, all things considered. And your wife seems to have had a good bit of fog dispelled. These are all positive things. I would urge you and she read Surviving an Affair together (that is what Zorweb and I did). And after that His Needs, Her Needs; both can be ordered from here (Bookstore tab at top of page). I cannot stress enough how invaluable these books were to Zorweb's and my recovery.

But take it slowly: all victories here are bite-sized. So enjoy every morsel that comes your way. And don't bite off more than you can chew ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) ...

Godspeed to you both,
STL

"Two years ago at age 34 I had a major heart attack."

MAYBE this is part of WHY she had the affair? (Fear of losing you?)

Something to ask a QUALIFIED counselor, which I most certainly am not.

Good luck to both of you. It sounds like you're gonna make it thru this!