Hi,

I just found out today that my husband is having an affair. I have suspected for a while but just got proof today. He doesn't know that I know and I don't intend on telling him untill I decide what to do.

I never thoght this could happen. Just didn't think he had it in him to this. We have been married 4.5 years, and have a daughter who is 3.5. We have had our problems and lord knows I have made my share of mistakes. Infidelity not on of them. The worst part of the situation is I am 7 months pregnant!!

I am so scared and I just don't now what to do. Apparently he is thinking of leaving and I honestly don't know whether to pack for him or beg him to stay.

Please help

Ir001, please hang in there! I want you to know there will be alot of support for you here at MB. I am not one to give advise, they will see your message soon enough and get with you. I am a BS just like you and I feel for your situation. You have a unique situation in being 7 months pregnant. You are going to have to be stronger than you ever have been before, but you wont have to be alone. I am soo sorry to learn of this, but many prayers will be said for you.

What do you mean by not saying anything until you know what you're going to do? Are you basing it on your decision as to whether or not stay and work on the marriage?

I'm just wondering. You are in your third trimester and I know very emotional -- been there. My H began his A when our youngest was just over a month old so I can imagine how you feel since your baby hasn't even been born yet. You are wondering how can he possibly do this?

Do you know how long he's been in the A? Is this your first child?

Thanks for the response. I am not sure how long it has been going on. I would guess about 6 months. I don't want to confront him just yet because I have no proof that would stand up in court yet. We have a daughter who is 3 1/2 and I know he will fight for custody of her. If it comes to divorce and I honestly don't know right now I will need proof so I get custody of our daughter. I know it sounds terrible spying on him and collecting evidence but I need to protect myself if it comes to divorce. I'm so hurt and shocked right now I can't think straight.

Teh link in my signature line contains information for those who want to restore their marriage, but are not sure it is possible. Included are links to Harley's plans for separating a spouse from a lover, because it is impossible to restore a marriage when there is a third party involved.

Right now I would imagine you are so angry and hurt you can hardly stand it. This is normal. We've all been there. However, please don't make any permanent decisions about what to do until you have had some time (weeks) to calm down. I also recommend reading "Surviving an Affair", by Harley, before making a decision. If you need to snoop to gather date to legally protect yourself, go ahead, but know that what you find will be very painful to you.

Ir001,
First let me say that I'm so sorry for all the grief, anger and confusion you will be going through in dealing with your husband's affair. That being said, there are many couples who have been able to rebuild their marriages after an affair. At first, I thought I must be crazy to even consider the possibility of reconciliation. That's when I found Marriage Builders. Although I am not one of them, there are others on this site that have been pregnant when they found out about their spouse's infidelity. I hope they find their way to you, as I know this increases the difficulties in dealing with infidelity. By all means, protect yourself by gathering "evidence" that would help you get custody of your daughter if it comes down to that! If it doesn't, you can always discard the information. You can't always go back and get it once your WS is aware that you know about the affair. Try to get some rest and eat healthy (I know that's much easier said than done!!)Your daughter and future little one need their mom. You're in my prayers.

lr001,

I was pg when my H had his affair 5 years ago. That is among the most disturbing of the various revelations I've had in the last week.

However, following Harley's principles, it makes sense. For whatever reason, I may have been less emotionally available then. I know for a fact I was dog tired. This doesn't mean that my H is blameless; he should have been a grown-up and owned up to his feelings if in fact he was feeling neglected. (He seems to have been more of a compartmentalizer - that had nothing to do with me.)

In our many conversations since D-Day last week, it's occurred to me that had I known at that time, when there was less at stake and my emotions were naturally running high, I may well have bolted from the marriage, or at the very least been devastated. Five years later I am still swamped with various emotions at various times...and it's not even still going on! (Of course, I did just find out, but...)

Gather your information, protect yourself and your child(ren) but try to keep an open mind regarding the marriage. This may be an unpopular thought, but your feelings and thoughts are not of the utmost importance right now. They're important, don't get me wrong. But any decision I make regarding my life takes my children's lives into account. If my H is capable of staying with me and refraining from further betrayal, *and* working on our marriage, then I am capable of making sure that my children grow up in the same house with their father. Time will tell if that's the correct conviction, but right now the only thing I am sure of is that it would serve no one to file for divorce. I believe John above said, "Give yourself weeks to make that decision." At least! You're going to have a baby in the fall, and even if the emotional support isn't there right now, the physical support will be necessary going from one child to two.

I'll be thinking of you!

M

Me (BS) 34
WS: 44
DD: 4
DS: almost 1
Married 6 years, A took place when I was pg with DD
D-Day 7-10-03
Working through it!

Well, just checking in. I confronted him and of course he lied. Wouldn't admit to anything till I handed him the proof in his own words. Now he tells me it had not been going on that long..hadm't gone that far and he hadn't slept with her yet. Problem is I don't beleive him. I fell lost and don't know where to turn. And why is it I feel like this is my fault and I'm the one who has to fix it? Shouldn't he be doing everything he can to make it right? Because he is not. Any help or advice you can give me would be appreciated.

lr001:

Of course he will continue to lie. He got caught with his pants down ... literally.

Expect his story to change. Perhaps frequently. Expect odd and bizarre behavior.

If you wish to try to save your marriage, you have come to the right place. Read the material here and order the book Surviving an Affair (click on the Bookstore link at the top of the page). Another good one for the moment is His Needs Her Needs. There are others, but those will do to start with.

Glad you confronted him. That is the first step. And do not worry about evidence that will stand up in court. Right now YOU are the court, and it is you that will pass sentence.

There is something pro-active you can do besides just reading, called Plan A around here ... you can read the article on this site concerning coping with infidelity here.

There are many here to offer you good advice and, more important, support while you struggle with this chaotic time.

Prayers and thoughts for you and your family
Godspeed
STL

God please help me!! After saying all the right things 2 weeks ago and making a genuine (or what I thought was genuine) effort to work on our marriage; I find out yesterday that he is still seeing her and never stopped. He was off yesterday to take care of our daughter and sent her 3 emails and 2 text messages to her voice mail. The contents of which about made me sick. I no longer have any doubt that he is sleeping with her.

I told him today to move his things into the guest bedroom and that I was through. Can anyone give me a valid reason for having any faith in my marriage at this point. Obviously I was not important eneough to give her up for...only to be a little more careful.

I can't leave. I have to stay there. I have no money...nowhere to go...and am 7 1/2 months pregnant. Can anyone help?

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? How did your Plan A go?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lr001:
<strong>I can't leave. I have to stay there. I have no money...nowhere to go...and am 7 1/2 months pregnant. Can anyone help?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No advise yet, Im too angry. What an AHOLE your husband is. I will come back later and give you a better response. God Bless you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ir001,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It seems very unusual if the WS actually does stop seeing OP after being caught.
Most of them are in "the fog" for a while. This is the absolute worst thing you will EVER go through. Unfortunatly, they can't feel or see our pain. Almost everything that comes out of his mouth, about the A, you need to assume is a lie. There is tons and tons of info here about how to get through all of this. I hope that some of the very knowledgable and helpfull people here will jump in. I am a big lurker here, but will try to help if I can.
Let me ask you how much do you know about OW? Is she married? A co-worker? You NEED to expose this A to anyone that could help you stop it. Her Husband, boyfriend, Boss, Minister, her mother... whoever. The fire that fuels an affair is secrecy, once its out in the open it loses its cloak and they have to start looking at it for what it is. Also if she has a H, he will be dealing with it from his end.
As far as getting him to stop... that was something I had a hard time doing also. I took me 6 months to expose it to co-workers and OW's significant other. It did not end till it was exposed. The longer the betrayal continues (my H just got better and better at hiding it from me) the harder it is for YOu to move on and forgive & heal. I lost a lot of respect for my H and am only now (14 months later) starting to gain respect again. If I could go back, I would have made clear boundaries and stuck to them. I felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane (emotionally) and couldn't get out. I was in my own fog of grief and loss.
You HAVE to take care of yourself, Its hard I know, but you must. You need to stay focused and level headed as hard as that is right now. You need to understand that this is not about you, or anything that you did. Your H has a hole in his soul. He is selfish, self serving, and self indulgant. ( redundant I know...)
Please take care and I will be praying for you!

Thank you for you responses. It helps just knowing I anm not alone. i'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. I too have though about exposing thier affair. They are both in the military and there are regulations against adultry. O n the other hand I am so embarassed and shamed that this has happened. If others were to know I would have a hard time facing them.

I have sent OW text messages to her cell phone that let her know I know , have proof and will provide that proof to her H. I am sure this has been discussed with my H but he is smart eneough not to bring it up to me.

Right now I am truing to put my trust in God that if this marraige is meant to be he will guide me thru this. Keep me in your prayers.

Ir001,

Don't contact OW. It only causes more damage to you and gives her power. Please, please, TELL her H!!!!! He needs and deserves to know!!! As far as the military, they both knew full well what could hapen should they get caught, yet proceeded anyways. I am not telling you to report them, but if her H or someone else does, that is NOT your fault.
I know the feelings of shame that you have. It took me a while to realize that the only ones who should feel shame is THEM!!! You did NOTHING to be ashamed of. You can tell him that you are ashamed of him. Its a LB, but My H only "got" what he did to me after I told him that I have lost a lot of respect for him. He tells me now, that that made him think. It would have been better had I hated him than to be ashamed of him and losing respect.
Another thing I was sorry about later on. I should have asked my H to show me and to continue to show me his cell phone bills with details (company phone that he could have gotten the bills) Also if your H uses the computer, all email accts are an open book.
I hope some of the others will jump in here. I am still learning the MB principles.
Hang in there... This will one day pass...

Thanks for all of the advice. He swears it is over. Called me yesterday to tell me if I wanted him to quit talking to her not to send her anymore text messages. Aparently she called him complaining. Needless to say this did not go over well with me. I told him I could care less if she was upset, her husband had a right to know and he should be doing everything possible to make this up to me.

But, I feel better. My H is trying. I am just realizing this is going to take a long time to fix. I am tired of being a doormat and blaming myself for what they did. It is time they both took reponsibility and acepted the consequences of thier actions. I sent her an email explaing that I was commited to saving my marriage and suggested she work on her own. I told her I thought her husband had a right to know and that I had not decided yet it I was going to tell him.

The only thing that keeps me from telling him is that I'm afraid he might retaliate against my husband. I know he deserves it but I worry that I may be unleashing a crazy person on him. This would do me no good.

I have no plans to contact her again. I have said my piece and feel better. She now knows I know who she is and will not take anymore of this without a fight.