I'm new to the site and couldn't find any post that fit my situation so I thought I'd join and ask. I am the ww that had an A over a year ago. It ended quietly and I was too scared to come clean to H for fear that he ask me to leave. We shortly thereafter got pregnant with second child. He discovered that the A had occurred; kicked me out of the house 8 months pregnant. I had the baby, have our other young child with me and am struggling finacially and emotionally. I could file for divorce but I can't seem to let go. He won't commit to the marriage and says he can't see being married to somebody who could do such a thing. In the last two month he's aggreed to attend counseling and we've become physicaly involved again. I'm very remorseful over the whole A but also very angry. I do understand that he's hurt and betrayed but I also feel that he abandoned his family; not just me but his two children. I keep thinking that love is stronger than anger and if I treat him with love we can work through this and he can forgive me. I don't know how long it takes to start to forgive. I'm also very stressed out as a single parent and in a very stressful profession. I kinda feel like I'm hanging on by a thread these days. I suppose you could say that I brought it all on myself but I don't think these things happen in a vacuum. I'm not sure what to do now- how long do I keep trying? I told him that i'd give up the day that he married somebody else.

Cutter,
You are here, WONDERFUL first step!
welcome to Marriage Builders. I think that you will find this is a fine place to be. It is very supportive, informative, safe and sometimes humorous.
Be patient with the feedback you receive. Everyone has a differnt perspective and baggage they bring with them to the site.
Be open, be patience, be willing to learn, be willing to give as well as receive.
Read as much as you can in the site. If a poster offers a suggestion for further reading, follow up.
Choose whether or not you are going to take thing posteed personally or not.
Above all, be patient and strong.
xo
2nd

<small>[ July 26, 2003, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: 2ndfiddle ]</small>

Cutter:

Welcome to Marriage Builders; it is an important first step you are making. First, understand that I have been both the betrayed spouse (in my previous marriage), and the wayward spouse (in my current marriage). So I am seeing this from both sides of the affair fence.

Take a deep breath and prepare yourself for the steps to come. If you wish to have a chance to salvage your marriage, there is much you must first learn: about yourself, and about your husband.

There is a lot of reading and learning that you (and hopefully your husband) should do. Read what is on this site. Get the book Surviving an Affair (you can order it by using the Bookstore tab at the top of the page); if you can, also get His Needs, Her Needs. If your husband is willing, get him to read them with you ... or at least to read them after you have.

This forum can offer you a lot of support and good counsel; there are many wonderful people here.

You must accept that what you did was wrong (which seems to be the case, good first step). Secondly, you and your husband have to understand that affairs do not usually happen in a vacuum, and both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse share equally in the state of the marriage up to the point the affair takes place.

After that, the burden shifts dramatically to the wayward spouse.

Remember, that you can only work on your part of things; the other part is up to your husband. If he decides not to, then be prepared for that eventuality as well.

Hopefully the both of you will begin the road to recovery. It is not an easy path to take, but it is by far one of the most rewarding things you can do.

Godspeed to you both,
STL

Cutter:

I reread your post and thought I would add one thought.

You asked how long you keep it up, and said you told him you would wait until the day he remarried.

You only wait until you feel the love you have begin to slip away; that is when you begin something called Plan B. You will reach that point if your husband does nothing to heal the marriage or continues his affair(s).

Regardless, you will find support, wise counsel and the tools you need here.

Godspeed,
STL

Read the link in my signature line. If that path varies much from the one you are taking with your counselor, then you might want to read the books and re-consider who to counsel with. Reading the books will offer you insight in any event. Anything you can learn will help.

As for feeling you are at the end of your rope - well, you probably are. Meds may help the feelings, but the fact is you are in an incredibly stressful stituation. You need some practical support and some encouragement from family and/or friends and/or your church, day-to-day. These boards can help, too.

Personally, I don't think I would have made it without turning to God. I recommend it.

my d day was 4/5/03,and i still dont forgive my wife, I hate her for what she did to me, to us. But I do still love her, and want to spend the rest of my life with her. seen the light said: You must accept that what you did was wrong (which seems to be the case, good first step). that is good because you realized it was wrong and you loved your husband more Secondly, you and your husband have to understand that affairs do not usually happen in a vacuum, and both the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse share equally in the state of the marriage up to the point the affair takes place.well that might be in some cases but not with me I dont do all the sports watching,bar running, hunting ect. I spoil my wife, and always tell her how much I love her, we have plenty of 1on1 time together, she says I meet all her emotional and sexual needs she says she did it cause I gave her an inch and she took a mile.

After that, the burden shifts dramatically to the wayward spouse.yes this I believe, cause I have to get past all the hurt, to try to not make things worse, by dwelling on the past ,I can't change that, all I can do is hope and work towards a better future. I told my wife I don't want to be the fool again ,and if she doesn't mean what she said ,that she'll never do it again, that I wanted her to leave now, because I dont think I could go thru this again, next time she will be out of my life for good.
the advise I can give you is this;when he looks down and depressed a simple I love you helps, it does for me, try not to get angry, it only make things worse. you say he abandon his children ,well I almost did by trying to kill myself, (dumb) but the hurt and the demons in your mind can make you different, they did me just be understanding and if he truly loves you he will come around good luck

Billibob:

The state of the marriage prior to the affair is 50-50; a major reason MB serves to help marriages (besides the obvious one of offering support) is to help couples understand emotional needs.

Prior to reading Harley's books, I thought I was meeting emotional needs, and having my needs met. After reading the books, I (and Zorweb) realized we perceived that we were meeting each others needs; further, since my understanding of emotional needs was skewed, I maintained that she was filling them, believing at the time that the statement was true.

It wasn't there were needs not being met fully. It was not Zorweb's fault. Note that I say nothing about fault. It is a statement of fact, for good or ill: The state of the marriage prior to the affair is shared by both equally.

Denial of this, particularly by BSs, often impedes the beginning of the healing process. I have seen it here time and time again.

The object of the MB process is to make the people in the marriage better by developing their understanding of needs, the four cornerstones of the marriage, and the concept of being radically honest within the marriage.

To deny that one has contributed to the state of the marriage is to place total ownership of the marriage in the hands of one person.

I hope this clarifies the point I was making.

Godspeed,
STL

Thank you everyone for responding. I copied my post to General questions because I thought that it didn't really belong in "Just found out"

Billibob, what do you mean "she says she did it cause I gave her an inch and she took a mile." Did she say you were meeting her needs or did you say it. I ask because shortly after D-day I heard my H say numerous times things like "I was a good husband" and "most people would be happy to have a husband like me". Obviously our perception of a "good husband" was very different from each others. I am guilty of not communicating my needs; He was guilty of not listening when I tried to. I think I'm rambling here but your post seems to have struck a cord with me.

Also- why do you want to spend the rest of your life with her if you don't forgive her and you hate her? Yes, I agree we can love and hate at the same time and no I'm not asking for instant drive by forgiveness.

Finally, thank you for your advice. I do tell him "I love you" and I try to keep my anger in check when I'm with him. The anger is a whole other issue. You say "if he truly loves you, he will come around." Does that mean that if/when he doesn't come around he doesn't (didn't) truly love me? That kind of thinking validates my A- I don't think I can go there. Not always sure where to go but this site seems to be a good start.