WS spouse left tonight after spewing anger and hatred at me for two and a half hours.

He's mad because I contacted OW and her H. The other BS contacted my WS and talked to him.

I was so scared - I just endured 2.5 hours of major verbal abuse. I thought he was going to hurt me. He didn't, but he sure threatened me a lot.

I was good. I remained calm, detached. No LB's, no crying, no begging, no pleading, no yelling, no throwing stuff.

Where do I go from here?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was so scared - I just endured 2.5 hours of major verbal abuse. I thought he was going to hurt me. He didn't, but he sure threatened me a lot.

I was good. I remained calm, detached. No LB's, no crying, no begging, no pleading, no yelling, no throwing stuff.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well done, with remaining calm and no LB´s. Your WH reaction was EXACTLY the same as my WH reaction, when I did the same to him exposing the affair to daylight. I am almost pretty certain that 90% of ALL WS react the same in the same situation. It is predictable and you handled it very well. Good for you.

O.K. Now you feel panicky, that you´ve really lost him, you want to call him and tell him you are sorry that you did not mean to hurt him. You want to do everything to make it better. Right?

Now you have to leave it alone for a few days. His anger and your hurt over his words (because I know you heard them, its not easy to turn a deaf ear) need to settle. Do nothing towards him. IF ans when HE contacts you, be kind, loving, kind and gracious, but do NOT say that you are sorry for what you have done. If he LB´s you, don´t do it back. If it gets too much for you, tell him that you would love to talk calmly with him, so could he call/come back later when he is calm. Listen to him when he is calm.

IF he does not contact you the next few days, find a way to contact him, when and ONLY when you feel that you have found an emotional balance. Plan A him again.

You are on the right track. I know it seems hopeless, but you are doing the right things. Take care of yourself now. Listen to some calming music. Talk to friends and family. Post here. Do everything possible to get it out of your system to find balance. Just not in front of him.

Take care. My thoughts are with you.

-queen-

Dear LULU

I've followed your story and I find the situation you're in very, very sad. It reminds me so much of what happened in my own life recently. My H said the same things as yours.

I'm not the right person to give advice on what you should do next, - I just want you to know that things DO get better, you will feel better soon. Hold your head high and take care of yourself and know that YOU are NOT to blame for your H's mistake! Force yourself to eat and try to sleep.

Above all - don't loose hope... I think it was John who told me one of my first days here "It's not over till the fat lady sings". Probably it's going to be a long process to get to the end of this - whether your H comes back or not.
Patience and faith are the keywords for me.

I'll pray for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Today was spent picking up the pieces of my broken life. This is going to take a few days. Cleaning out junk he left behind. Straightening out shelves and cabinets he trashed.

I think my dog is dying. I have to take her to the vet on Sunday. She has been my faithful companion for 13+ years. I may have to make a difficult decision this weekend. I always counted on him to be there with me when this time came. If I have to do this alone...it's just unforgivable. I can hardly believe I may lose half my family in a single week.

I'm too exhausted to even cry anymore.

{{{{Lulu}}}}

Maybe you need to make "I Will Survive" your theme song, and keep singing it 'til you believe it.

John,

I have no doubt in my mind that I will survive. Hey, by all appearances I might even thrive. I just wonder what the point of it is.

It just feels so surreal. I thought that I had the perfect marriage. Sure we had our problems, but we had each other and we were in love.

On one hand, I have my WS telling me that he only stayed married to me because he felt sorry for me. He was always waiting for the right time to leave. That he has always resented me. That he never wanted to get married in the first place.

Then, I have friends and family who call daily and tell me that they are so shocked and surprised because they envied our relationship. Instead of misery and unhappiness, they saw joy, love, patience, comraderie, passion. They've been reviewing home videos and pictures - telling me stories about how they felt at our wedding, how perfect we were for each other, how we did everything together and how in love we were.

I'm left here somewhere in broken heart limbo trying to make heads or tails of the disparity in the two perspectives.

He said to do things for myself, to make myself happy. But when you build your life around someone else - when it doesn't work without that other person, it seems there is nothing I can do for myself. I don't know if there is enough scotch tape in this world to put the pieces of my heart back together again.

Lulu,

You have already seen the excellent words of wisdom from the other posters here. I do want to extend my sympathy about your dog. That's so horrible, my heart is breaking for you. Drop me an email at dobievsw@yahoo.com if you need someone to talk about.

DObie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> On one hand, I have my WS telling me that he only stayed married to me because he felt sorry for me. He was always waiting for the right time to leave. That he has always resented me. That he never wanted to get married in the first place.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY the words of my WH.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then, I have friends and family who call daily and tell me that they are so shocked and surprised because they envied our relationship </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY the words of our friends and family

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said to do things for myself, to make myself happy. But when you build your life around someone else - when it doesn't work without that other person, it seems there is nothing I can do for myself. I don't know if there is enough scotch tape in this world to put the pieces of my heart back together again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would begin to take your WH advice. I read a book a few months ago on "How to love men", and one of the most common mistakes women make (same mistake I did), is that they give up their own lives and happiness when they fall in love. All of a sudden many women find themselves living through their mens lives and not living their own. Men resent that. They fell in love with an equal, it attracts them, and it takes a strong woman to stay the mans equal. But when the situation turns unequal, and the women forgets about her own needs, wants and happiness, she becomes less attractive to the male. In fact many males begin to resent their women.

I know again EXACTLY what you mean, and there is not enought scotch tape in the world to patch up everything here and now. But you need to begin somewhere. You cannot change him right now. You can Plan A him so that he will realize the loving and caring woman he has got. But you can begin to change YOU. You can become his equal again. Ask questions like, what do YOU enjoy doing. What will make YOU happy. How can YOU love YOURSELF independantly of anyone? What were the things that made you feel stong, attractive and worthy? If the answer to all of these questions is - my husband, then you are on the wrong track. You have to start looking elsewhere, within yourself. Check out Poe´s thread where stillwed answers her about self esteem. You will find some guidance there. I´ll see if I can bump it for you.

Can´t you see that the words of your H, family, friends bear similarity to all of us BS families , WS... The situation is not unique. There is a pattern. And thank god for Dr. Harley! He has found that pattern and has been able to implement a way to deal with it! Feel blessed that you know you have the best tools on earth to deal with this!

Take care
-queen-

-queen-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> On one hand, I have my WS telling me that he only stayed married to me because he felt sorry for me. He was always waiting for the right time to leave. That he has always resented me. That he never wanted to get married in the first place.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY the words of my WH.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then, I have friends and family who call daily and tell me that they are so shocked and surprised because they envied our relationship </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY the words of our friends and family

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said to do things for myself, to make myself happy. But when you build your life around someone else - when it doesn't work without that other person, it seems there is nothing I can do for myself. I don't know if there is enough scotch tape in this world to put the pieces of my heart back together again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would begin to take your WH advice. I read a book a few months ago on "How to love men", and one of the most common mistakes women make (same mistake I did), is that they give up their own lives and happiness when they fall in love. All of a sudden many women find themselves living through their mens lives and not living their own. Men resent that. They fell in love with an equal, it attracts them, and it takes a strong woman to stay the mans equal. But when the situation turns unequal, and the women forgets about her own needs, wants and happiness, she becomes less attractive to the male. In fact many males begin to resent their women.

I know again EXACTLY what you mean, and there is not enought scotch tape in the world to patch up everything here and now. But you need to begin somewhere. You cannot change him right now. You can Plan A him so that he will realize the loving and caring woman he has got. But you can begin to change YOU. You can become his equal again. Ask questions like, what do YOU enjoy doing. What will make YOU happy. How can YOU love YOURSELF independantly of anyone? What were the things that made you feel stong, attractive and worthy? If the answer to all of these questions is - my husband, then you are on the wrong track. You have to start looking elsewhere, within yourself. Check out Poe´s thread where stillwed answers her about self esteem. You will find some guidance there. I´ll see if I can bump it for you.

Can´t you see that the words of your H, family, friends bear similarity to all of us BS families , WS... The situation is not unique. There is a pattern. And thank god for Dr. Harley! He has found that pattern and has been able to implement a way to deal with it! Feel blessed that you know you have the best tools on earth to deal with this!

Take care
-queen-

-queen-

Here you go with cut & paste, this is what Stillwed wrote;

Dear Poe,

I will share with you an excerpt on Self-Esteem from a book called The Portable Therapist by Susanna McMahon:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
quote:
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What is Self-Esteem?

There are many definitions of Self-Esteem and what they all have in common is the concept of esteeming yourself. This translates to loving yourself, repsecting yourself, putting yourself first, and meeting your own needs. Self-Esteem is the placement of yourself in very high regard. This means that you not only love yourself, but that you act lovingly toward yourself at all times. The best and the simplest way to think of having Self-Esteem is to imagine that you love someone very much, that you are always pleased to see them and to talk with them, that spending time with this person is what you most want to be doing, that you think of them lovingly and try to do things the please them. Your beloved is the most important person in the world to you and you will do anything and everything so that they know this. Now put yourself in the role of the beloved and act exactly the same way to yourself. This is Self-Esteem.

Loving yourself and taking care of yourself are the exact opposites of what we have been taught to think and do. We have been trained to esteem others and/or external variables and to measure our self-worth by what we have or by how much we are loved. This is the definition of Weak Ego: our worth and esteem are dependent on something outside of ourselves and, therefore, outside of our control. When we feel that our esteem is based on having someone else love us, or having the right job, or making enough money, or being "successful," we are putting ourselves at high risk for insecurity and eventual feeling of failure. All things external to self are temporary. They are not ours and we cannot keep them. Therefore, when we entrust our feelings about ourselves to these external variables, when we feel esteemed because we are loved or in the right place at the right time, what happens when things change and we lose our loved ones or our job changes? Our feelings of esteem for ourselves go with the externals that are leaving us. And we are left feeling abandoned and depressed and without worth. This is crazy even though it is the "normal" way of being. Everything changes!! Why risk our esteem to something out of our control?

Remember...we can only control our feelings about ourselves and our behaviors based on our feelings. If we choose to love ourselves and to behave lovingly toward ourselves, if we choose to have Self-Esteem, then we have control over ourselves. We do not have to risk losing our own esteem.

The true test of Self-Esteem is to have everything go wrong for us, to have this crazy world turn upside down and to lose all the things we value, and to still love ourselves and to know that we are loved. To treat ourselves in the most gentle, nurturing, loving way when we are in difficulty or pain just as we would treat another person who is hurting--this is having and practicing Self-Esteem.

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Here's another one from the same book:

quote:
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How Can I Learn to Have Self-Esteem?

The easiest way to learn anything new is to find a good teacher. Teachers of self-Esteem are not always easy to find. Certainly not all therapists or ministers or counselors are able to teach you how to love yoruself. You will need a role model who practices what is being taught--someone who actually knows how to love the self and also knows how to teach this skill. Self-Esteem is a learned skill; very few come by it naturally. Remember, you have learned how not to love yourself and now you must relearn how to love yourself.

Think of learning Self-Esteem as you would think of learning any new skill. If you are really determined and you need to do this, you will do it. It is much easier to learn something for the first time before you have learned it incorrectly. For example, you have been studying a foreign language and after several years of study, you discover that your teacher has a terrible accent and has taught you many incorrect pronunciations. In order to speak the language correctly, you must go back and unlearn and replace the wrong with the correct. This is much more difficult than learning it correctly the first time. Much more difficult but not impossible if you are really determined. Self-Esteem is relearning how to think about yourself and how to behave in a loving manner toward yourself. Granted, it would be much easier and more natural to learn the skill of loving yourself as a very young child when the learning is fresh and uncontaminated. Unfortunately, this does not happen to most of us due to the lack of teachers and role models who have Self-Esteem. So we must accept that we were taught by faulty models, through no fault of our own and really no fault of our teachers who were also taught incorrectly. Being angry and resentful that we were not taught Self-Esteem in the past only means that we are wasting time and delaying the acquisition of the skill in the present.

Begin by being determined to learn Self-Esteem. If you want to badly enough, you will. People can learn anything when they are desperate enough. Be desperately determined. Then find some role models--people who clearly have Self-Esteem. These people will not tell you how much they love themselves or how terrific they are. They will show it by their gentle, quiet strngth and by their encouraging and reinforcing behaviors toward others. They will look confident and balanced and they will admit and often laugh at their own weaknesses and mistakes. They will not laugh at or judge others but will be more tolerant and accepting of themselves and of others. You will feel good being around these people. It is critical for you to be around those who accept who are you are right now and who encourage you to feel good about yourself.

Once you have found your role models, and these may be a therapist, a teacher, relatives or friends, observe them carefully. How do they handle rejection? Are they trying to be perfect? What do they do when they make mistakes? How do they cope with the many injustices of their lives? Ask them. Watch them. Listen and learn from them. But do not expect them to know all the answers. And do not expect them to carry your pain or to fix you. Good role models are patient and loving teachers whose Self-Esteem is not dependent on you. Good role models are not codependents.

Finally, be prepared to practice . And to make mistakes. And to be imperfect. Self-Esteem is a human attribute and a lifelong striving. It is not a quick fix. It is a way of being in the world that allows you to know yourself and to take care of yourself.
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My therapist says that I need to come to the point where I love myself just as I am. I need to look in the mirror and love who I see, with all of my imperfections.

Here's one more from the same book:

quote:
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If I have Self-Esteem, will I be happy?

Not necessarily. Self-Esteem does not mean happiness. It does mean an awareness of yourself, a deep and lasting respect for yourself and, finally, a great love for yourself. It does not mean that you have control of anything except the way you feel about yourself and your behaviors. Self-Esteem does not mean being able to control your feelings. Happiness is a feeling and therefore not in your control. However, loving yourself often produces a feeling of happiness or great inner contentment. Often, but not always.

Just as you cannot control your feelings, you also cannot control the feelings of others. You really have no control over the behaviors of others and, therefore, you cannot control the environment around you. Since much of our happiness depends on others and the environment, being happy is not usually in our control.

It is important to realize that choosing to love yourself will not change the world, but will only change your world. The externals will stay the same but the ways in which you perceive them may be different once you have Self-Esteem. You will be more reluctant to turn your personal power over to things or others that you cannot control. The world will not become fair and bad things will continue to happen, to you and to those you love. Having Self-Esteem will not protect you from feeling the pain of life. It will enable you to cope with this pain. You will still feel sad and fearful and angry and sometimes afraid. But having Self-Esteem means that you will have the strength to trust yourself and to know that you can deal with whatever comes along to the best of your abilities. Loving yourself means that whatever happens, you know that you will be there for yourself. This awareness can make you happy.

Remember, the goal of Self-Esteem is not happiness but inner peace and balance and wholeness. It is unrealistic to live this life, which means coping with pain, and, at the same time, expect to be always happy.
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Poe, you have some deep childhood wounds that need to be addressed with a good therapist. Your lack of Self-Esteem is in no way your fault. The only fault you'll have to take on is if you don't try to find your Self-Esteem now that you know about it. Let it be your quest. Hunt down a good therapist that deals with childhood wounds okay? You are carrying around those wounds and the shame of your family and you don't have to any longer. They can be healed with a lot of hard work on your part and the help of a good therapist. Think of the therapist as a teacher. If they are good, that's what they really are.

Now, give yourself a hug (I mean it!) and start your journey on the path to Self-Esteem. Maybe I'll see you along the way!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">-queen-

I just sent my faithful companion of 13 years to the Rainbow Bridge. She was so sick, she was suffering so much, I had to let her go. I held her while the vet administered the injection. She was quickly gone.

I kept telling her it was okay. She struggled when they tried to find a vein. But even with all the medication, she would only live another week at most. I kept telling her how sorry I was, and that I would be looking for her on the other side.

My heart is absolutely broken.

I told her I was sorry that he wasn't there. He was supposed to be there. and he wasn't.

I'm in total darkness right now. It is a good thing too - because I have never hated someone so much in my life. I sincerely believe that the emotional upheaval in the past two weeks caused her grand mal seizure - which resulted in her rapidly deteriorating health in the past week. I hate him so much right now, I can't imagine how I ever felt anything but disgust, repulsion and hatred for him.

I know this too shall pass - my emotions burn hot and fast. Right now though, I'm grateful he is not living here.

Lulu,

My heart goes out to you. Letting go of your dog is truly a heart-breaking thing in and of itself and to put it on top of everything else.... no wonder you are so angry at your WH right now. Who wouldn't be.

But I am so impressed with the clarity of purpose you seem to have. You don't know the future, but you know deep down that you'll be OK. That is a very good sign, in my book.

Hugs to you on the loss of your furry friend. Prayers that all else will work to the good.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lulu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Helping a beloved pet find peace at the end of his/her life is very hard; even though you know it is for the best.

I wish I had some magic words to ease things, but I don't. Just wanted to say I was thinking of you today <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Kathi

It's been 3 weeks since I found out that my husband has been having an affair with a former co-worker. He has since returned home after leaving for a week and we have talked a little about the affair but I cannot shake the feeling that he really does not want to be home. We have a 5 month old daughter and I'm thinking he has only returned to be a father, not a husband. He denies this and says he has ended it with the OW and would not be home if he didn't want to be here. But I don't believe him and fear that my insecurities are going to cause me to lose him.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I miss my dog. She was such a sweetie - so gentle, so quiet (except when someone was at the door!). I remember her lying on her back with a stuffed animal in her teeth...she could entertain herself for hours with a stuffed animal.

He called late that night. It surprised me - because I had been on the phone all night with friends and family...my 17 year old cousin died that night from cardiac arrest/meningitis. I feel cursed. I'm deep in PB right now...so I kept the conversation very short. I told him that I had Elsie put to sleep and that I had to go...

My family has been halved. It's just me and my other dog. I have plenty to keep me occupied - I have some close girlfriends who call me frequently to make sure I'm okay...find out if I need anything. It just breaks my heart when my remaining dog hears the door to the apartment building...and he waits in anticipation of WS coming home. I keep telling him that WS isn't coming home, that it's just us, but he seems to keep his hope alive that WS will return...

*LULU*,

I have been following your story and admire your strength. You, and the wonderful folks who have been helping you, have also helped me.

I am sincerely sorry for your losses and the pain that you are going through. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My beloved Grama's name is Elsie. I miss her terribly. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have 2 real good websites that I'm sure would be helpful to you. I don't know if it's ok to post websites or not? If someone would please let me know, then I'll post accordingly. Or please feel free to email me, if you're interested.

cocoa101@yahoo.com

Again, I am very sorry...

cocoa101

I think it's okay to post website URLs...

Ugh. The evenings are the worst. I feel sick with pain. I miss him so much and I want him back so badly.

During the day, it's not so bad. I fill my day with my job search - interviews, phone calls and appointments.

I don't feel very strong, I feel anxious and worried mostly.

I understand all too well about the evenings and the long nights. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I would never venture to offer advice at this point in my life. But I do know one thing, the advice you've been given by everyone else, is truly solid. I know this because in the past, before I found this place, I pretty much did the opposite of what I should've done. And so I know firsthand, the opposite is way wrong!

My Mom has told me a few things that have carried me through some really tough times. *Where you're at right now*, think about these:

Nothing is ever written in stone

Nothing stays the same - Things change *all the time*

One does not know what tomorrow will bring

As bad as something is, it could always be worse

As cliche` as those sound, I hang onto em, and it helps. I hope it does for you too.

A few years ago, my entire world crashed. Too many BIG losses & changes, in too short of a time period, including losing our beloved pets. They all died of old age and slept away. Although a nice & peaceful way to go, the loss was/is painful and we still miss them terribly. Our one dog, Darth, was 17 years old. Our sons grew up with Darth. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I found these sites comforting:

http://www.rainbowbridge.com
http://www.petloss.com/
http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/

Take care of you...

cocoa101

*LULU*,

I've been thinking of you and hope you're doing ok...

With sincere concern,

cocoa101

LULU,

I have also been following your thread and have you in my thoughts. I'm curious about a couple of things...

What do you know about the OW if anything?
Is he still seeing her?
At one point, you were drawing up a Plan B letter...did you give it to him?

Hope all is well with you.