I have been reading about telling everyone and bringing the A out in the open, but there are so many contradicting statements. I am scared that if I start blowing the whistle that I will run my wife off.

Do I do everything to expose the A or anything or nothing?

B

Expose it. She will be very very mad. Mad that she is caught. Most of the time the ws gets over having the whistle blown, it tends to end the affair alot more quickly.

It was the only thing that worked for me. It has been harder though for me I think, dealing with everyone else's feelings after the affair. Prepare for that

Expose away. If I had it to do over again I would exposed the A to absolutely everyone! Secrets protect no-one.

Without a doubt, without exposing it they can do as they please with no pressure what-so-ever.

Do expect the W to be extremely agrivated with statements like I'm not comming back, how can I I'm too embarassed and humiliated to face everyone.

But guess what, I'll bet most people you talk to will say something like, I knew all along, or I knew somtehing was not right.

Dont worry about the W, she sure as hell is not concerned at all about the humiliation and hurt you are going through, if she was she would not be where she is at.

Been there done that.............

Your fear is your worst enemy and it will sabotage any intelligent, well thought out efforts to save your marriage. Besides your fear can't prevent your wife from ending your marriage if she so desires, so its best to accept the fact that your fear is an obstacle in your fight to save your marriage.

The reason why exposure of the A(affair) when the WS refuses to end it, is to inject a lethal dose of reality into the relationship. You see most A's rely on lies and deception not only of the BS(betrayed spouse) but of close friends and family as well. While the A is hidden from others, the affairees don't have to deal with the consequences of their illicit relationship. Once an A is exposed, the affairees can no longer use the excuse that they are 'just friends' to those closest to them. The enjoyment they received will now be forever tainted with the knowledge that they may not be well received by them anymore. Eventually the same lies and deception that gave birth to the A will start giving way to its death.

Without exposure, the A can go on for a long, long time before it dies, and by that time your desire to save your marriage will have died as well.

Exposure of the A depends on what is going on in the marriage AND the affair. IF...the affair is on-going...then exposure is to be done so that pressure is put onto the affair partners and bring their behavior out from the shadows and into the light. As long as the affair is NOT over...you need to do whatever is possible to take the affair out of the fantasy and slap-dab into reality.

IF...the affair is NOT on-going, then you may wish to limit who you'd want to inform. The OP's spouse, if there is one, would be the first person you should consider, adult children in your home (as they will know something is up), someone who you can confide in (pastor/counselor/good friend who knows how to listen without judgements). Younger children must be handled on a case by case basis and only that information which can be understood should be shared. All efforts of protecting BOTH parents should be tried. Telling them that mom and dad are having some adult problems and that these problems do not in any way have anything to do with them and that they are loved by mom and dad now and always should be enough.

IF...the affair is over, be careful who you do confide in, some will be VERY judgemental, not only about the WS, but about the BS who may want to try to keep their marriage together. Families can bring their own emotional grief and anger and only further the strain you and your spouse and your marriage are under if you must try to comfort them at a time when you're in need of comfort and understanding. Or when you must protect yourself and your spouse from their judgements.

Affairs thrive because of secrets! Very difficult to continue one when the lies are out for everyone to see.

I am in the middle of an A (I am a WW). Not telling you this cuz I am proud - just wanted you to have another perspective.

I think you SHOULD expose the A. The reason I think this is because it shows that you are willing to FIGHT for your M. Yes, it will be embarassing for you. Yes, it will be embarassing for your W. And she probably will be MAD. But when the fog lifts and she sees what you did for her...what you did for yal...she will be grateful.

I tell you this because I have been in an A for over 5 years with the same person. I feel so trapped. And yet i know it is my choice to continue, but the truth is I would prefer to have ONE life, not two. My A is so deep-rooted, that I not only lie to my H, I lie to the OM! I live in TWO places! I need help, and truthfully, I would choose my H over OM...but there are days when the "fog" is heavier than other days and I can't see the way out. My H has not done anything to prove he still wants me, though I know he does. And he lets this go on and on (although I think he knows deep down). If he would expose the A, it would be SO MUCH HARDER for me to be with the OM. It would have to end.

I don't think you will drive your W away - you may have to eventually "Plan B" her...but she probably will come home.

I agree with everything Just a Wifey said, but will add the following point: if the affair is a long time in the past, it may not serve anyone to tell everyone about it.

In my case, the PA took place almost 5 years ago. I have told a few friends, who have been here for me to lean on. There is currently NC between OW and H and if that changes, it will be because she is contacting him. If she does, then all bets are off, and I will tell her husband.

But I don't see how it could truly help anyone to bring this out to the light right now, except perhaps OW's H, and at this point, I feel that her life is her problem. Sad but true.