I have been married for nearly 15 months now. My wife is 24 and I am 34 years old. My wife recently admitted to me she had a 1 night stand with a female co-worker of mine a week ago now. This, sadly, did not come as a shock to me. Over the past 12 months, while we both lived abroad, she had several nights when she didn’t come home until 6-8am the next morning. I did my best to believe her "reasons" at the time, only to find out later from her that she had been having second thoughts about us, and was considering cheating with some men. Whether or not the cheating actually happened is unknown to me. Each time something of this nature happens, she promises me it will never occur again. Too many broken promises. Nevertheless, the recent event has caused me great concern. I love my wife dearly, but no longer trust her. She says she doesn’t want to hurt me, and I believe her. We both reasoned that she has had little opportunity to experience "life" outside of a relationship, and that her "needs" at her age are different than those at mine. Again, I love her, but I have been living with distrust for nearly the length of our mariage, and don’t think I can regain it anytime in the near future, if ever. Additionally, she can be a bit self-destructive, and sending her back home to her parents (very uptight religious) might be disastrous for her. I’ve made every sacrifice for my relationship, but feel I’m no longer willing to sacrifice anymore…I haven’t been happy for a long time now, and she knows this. What’s more, neither of us can afford a marriage counselor on our salaries, which are quite meager. Living with my resentment and her guilt is eating away at us. Is a trial separation in order?
Thank you,
Rick

No, a trial separation at this point will likely lead to divorce. Rebuilding trust after this will take time (think years, not months) and effort, but it is possible to have a great marriage after an affair - providing both of you do the work required. [I just have to add to pique your curiosity that you will need to sacrifice less - as you will see when you read about Harley's "Policy of Joint Agreement" in the links I reference below.] Click on the link in my signature line to find out more about the path to recovery.

<small>[ September 16, 2003, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Oh my gosh:
You have been married only 15 months and during the past 12 months your wife has not come home at times until the next morning and later informs you she has been thinking of cheating with other men. My guess is that the chances are pretty good that it has already happened and I would insist on the both of you being checked for STD's especially with the fact that your wife has now informed you that she has engaged in a one night stand recently with another woman who is your co-worker.

It seems quite evident that your wife is simply too immature at this point to be married and seemingly has never taken the marriage seriously since she started spending overnights after the first three months of your marriage. I would have you looking into an annulment. You do not have children and you seem quite miserable and she wishes to explore her sexuality with other people.
It is up to you if the both of you wish to rebuild but she has shown by her actions that she is immature, looking to cheat with other people,
cheating with a co-worker of yours which is another slap in your face and putting your health at risk for STD's. We all sometimes make bad choices in all life and it seems you made a poor choice here for a marriage partner since she seems to neither respect you or your marriage from the very start. Why would you allow your wife in the first place to accept her going out overnight and not returning until the next morning and her telling you she is thinking of cheating with other men? Anyway I wish you luck but it really seems to me that you need to look for a future with someone else but this is just my opinion and I do wish you good luck.

rick,
oh the things we do for love...or more to the point, rationalize because of love! or even further to the point tollerate because of love!

rick are you getting the point? love is not something we use as an excuse for allowing the people in our lives to be disrespectfull,...not in my opinion any way. what you been showing your wife is not love but permissive aquiessance. and in doing so you've chosen not to face the issues that can and will destroy your marriage...and in the end, the love for your W you hold so dear.

people who love other people don't do things that they know will cause them pain. your Ws behavior has been selfish and your lack of trust in her is, i bet, just the tip of the ice berg.

i would be shocked if at this point you weren't showing her a man that is angry, judgemental and at the very least dealing in some kind of passive aggresive behavior. and it's all of these things that will push her further away and convince her foggy little brain that she's the "right one" in this relationship.

if it were me i would have her in couples therapy and my self in individuale therapy. i would bring in a professional to help show us how to go about esablishing the boundaries in the relationship to put it back into some semblance of working order.

in any case, you need to do something to upset the status quo. changes need to be made but they should be planned changes and changes that are made by the two of you together...changes that are agreed upon.

good luck.
coach

Since marriage counseling is a prohibitive option for you, you might want to consider BOTH of reading and applying the principles found in Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs', and 'Love Busters' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'. The price of those books is a lot cheaper than one counseling session alone.

You need to calmly and respectfully convey to her that if she expects to continue with the lifestyle that she's accustomed to, that your love for her will die and when she least expects it, you will be gone from her life forever. This is NOT an ultimatum but an honest statement of fact of the most likely consequences of her continued selfish and thougtless behavior. There is no reason why she, a married woman, has to go out all night and come back at 6-8 in the morning UNLESS she wants to be a single woman. She truly has to realize that she can't have all the benefits of a married woman while having all the benefits of a single woman as well. If she expresses a desire to be your wife then she has to stop this destructive lifestyle and follow the principles in the Harley books and embodied in The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage .

Good luck and keep us posted.

Rick,

I agree with Coach that counseling is definitely needed to help you with your marriage. Please look around to see if there's church based counseling or a program that offers subsidized counseling for lower income families.

There were a few comments that made me wonder if you have a bit of a paternal relationship with your wife. For instance "We both reasoned that she has had little opportunity to experience "life" outside of a relationship, and that her "needs" at her age are different than those at mine. " If she married at 23, she had 5 years to experience life as she wanted to. What did she do with those years? Was she financially independent and/or getting the education to be? Or did she depend on her parents to provide for her and test their boundaries as she is testing yours? Your statements about her parents being very uptight and religious made me wonder if those were her perceptions that were perhaps based on their expectations of responsible behavior? There was just something about the tone of your email that reminded me of a frustrated father trying to deal with a rebellious and irresponsible teenager. I don't want you to be caught into cycle of this sort of relationship. I could be wrong. (Yes, that happens ALL the time.)

You believe that her age explains her behavior. If so, then you have to base it on her emotional age, not her chronological. This is not normal behavior for a woman of her age who has any concept of what being married is all about.

You cannot change her, but you can change your reactions to her behavior. By making allowances for her age, you aren't treating her as an adult. Granted, she isn't acting like one. She needs to learn that she can't manipulate her into acting like a father and that she cannot be married and a spoiled teenager at the same time. If she's not willing to accept what marriage is and be willing to make changes, your marriage will never be what it should.