Oh my god... I just can't stop crying. I miss my wife and family so much. I'm just a wreck. She hates me.

I changed the locks when she moved out, She came home today while I was out and smashed a window in with a baseball bat to get inside. Was it wrong for me to change the locks? Her mom kind of ripped me a new one when I called to say good night to the kids. It just doesn't seem to matter that she moved out and is having an A anymore. I need my family back, I'm losing my mind.

What should I do. Should I apologize for the locks and give her keys? Do I file a restraining order against her to keep her away from the house? I'm lost, right now I don't trust myself to make the right decisions. I'm panicky, totally numb, bawling my eyes out. I can barely type. This is the worst it has been so far. Anti-d's don't seem to be doing much today. Oh God please help me.

<small>[ November 05, 2003, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

If you are in Plan B, you fix the glass and do nothing. No contact is no contact. And if you know that your wife is reading here you either get off the forum or you get a new user id.

Her anger is in direct proportion to how much you are threatening the affair and the conflict you are causing in that R and in her life. As long as you stay out of the picture it is much less about you and much more about how her life is out of control.

Plan B is to protect you from the things she is doing. You can't be protected if there is contact at this point. She is deep in the addiction. This is NOT your wife.

Alright, so I want you to call a friend who is same sex and an advocate for your marriage. Then I want you to take some deep breaths, watch something really boring on tv or read a book that is not marriage and affair related and then I want you to try to get some sleep.

I'll be around part of the day tomorrow. Email me if I don't get to the boards and you need to vent.

This is probably the worst thing you will ever go through, you're doing fine, and you will be ok.

Be brave, you can do it. Now go call a friend and remember to breathe.

C

What do i do about the damaging of the house though? Do I give her a key and apologize for not telling her about the locks? Do I file a restraining order to keep her away from the house? Was it wrong of me to change the locks?

WMWB,

You fix the damage, you say nothing, you give her nothing....and you don't get a restraining order. It's tough....but you simply don't react. And you really must get off of this board chere. I told you that the other night and I'm telling you again today. Did you get my email? I'll leave it for you again if you need it.

Sorry this is so hard....but it does get easier.

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Star, pssst...it's me...I'm incognito...

I'm only still on this board because I value the advice of Cerri and Mike as well as yourself. I've been posting on the other board as well. I don't see anything fromthem on that board though, hence I'm still here...part of the time.

As for your email, the address I list is my work address. I haven't been there for most of September...or any of October. I go back tomorrow though. Thanks for sending one! I'll reply when I see it.

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

As soon as your wife moved out, you have the legal right to change the locks. Do not give her the keys. If you have a lawyer, you may want him to send her a notice that what she did was wrong but other than that, leave it alone and plan B.

This first part of plan B is horribly painful. Everyone I know has really suffered through the first few weeks, but then.....you will be surprised at how much peace does come from being separated from the conflict and the pain of having the affair thrown in your face. Once you can detach a little....the heartstopping pain does ease up. If you need to cry....then do it chere. If you need to scream....do that too. The things your wife says right now are not to be trusted. She has yet to deal with the reality of either the affair or the marriage....so let some time pass and allow nature to do it's work. Prepare for the long haul because it may take awhile...but slowly the memories of the good parts of your marriage will begin to enter her world. If you can stay dark and not drain anymore of her love for you....and protect your love for her....you will see a change. Concentrate on how you can make this time healing for you. See an IC if you feel too depressed. And we will help.

Uhhhhh.... you might think that you are incognito, but the name on your thread as topic starter has changed as well, so you're pretty easy to find. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm with Star.... fix the window, say nothing, do nothing. No contact means you too.... and a response would of course be.... contact. Move on, take care of you.

Silence speaks far more and far louder than any response you could possibly give. It is dignified and calm as opposed to begging or disrespectful. I suppose that's why it's much harder to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Unless you've been served with papers of some sort please don't get attys involved. Sure you can get an order, but it only serves to escalate things, it's your right to do so and it offers protection in one very small specific area but it's counter productive to saving a marriage.

C

Concur with all the previous advice. A few thoughts:

If you are not happy with the anti-deps, circle back with your doc. Anti-deps and anti-anxiety meds are very individualistic in their efficacy, and you may need to try a few before you find an effective one.

Focus on your kids, on protecting them from this craziness in their life. Take joy in your time with them.

Get the glass repaired and let it go. If the situation escalates, there is always time to go to the cops....but that is a serious bridge burning, so better to not do it in the first inning.

Hang in there.

I wanted you to know that you, your children and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers.

I will pray that the Lord give you stregnth, resolve and comfort and that He guides you through this season in your life.

How in the hell am I supposed to do plan B if she won't leave me alone? She thinks she should be able to come and go in and out of this house and I can have nothing to say about it. She said she will be here all day tomorrow, while I'm at work and there is nothing i can do about it. She called to tell me she wanted the title for her car (the car is in her maiden name only, we still owe money on it and I have made every payment on the damn thing) and that if I didn't know where it was that I'd better start looking. We just moved here about 9 mos. ago, so I'm sure it is still packed in one of the boxes marked "important papers" of something similar. Why is it supposed to be my responsibiblty to find it? She said she was going to be here all day anyway...I told her she should find it. She got mad and hung up on me. Before she did, I asked why she needed it. Her reply was that it was none of my business. Friday, she will be staying in town here. She won't tell me where but I can only assume OM's house...two doors down. I'm sure that she will pop over a couple of times under the guise of seeing the kids. A) that will only upset our 4 y.o. to know his mommy is so close but not spending the night with him and B)will only serve to throw this whole thing in my face still despite my wishes for no contact.

What am I supposed to do here. This is meant to protect me, but she won't adhere to it. She doesn't care about me. It's like she is intentionally trying to hurt me, trying to get back at me for who knows what? Any advice?

<small>[ October 07, 2003, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

Yikes! What a tough situation. If the car is in her name....it's her car even if you've made the payments....let that go. But I think she should be the one to search for the title unless you know exactly where it is. As far as her coming and going in the house.....perhaps you could go through a mediator....like her parents maybe, and make arrangements for times that you can be away and she can do the things she needs to and you can avoid seeing her. Explain that you don't want to keep her out of the house, but you'd like her to have a regular arrangement for the times that she visits, so that the two of you can avoid conflict with eachother. If by chance you do see her.....DON'T LOVE BUST! Don't ask questions about what she's doing. Don't engage her in conversation. Leave if you can when she shows up. If by chance she won't agree to some sort of time arrangement....you may have to get a legal separation agreement....but try it the other way first....because the longer you can delay involving attorneys, the better it will be. Sorry buddy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 04:42 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

I've tried all of that, she isn't interested in ANY negotiations. She won't agree to anything! She doesn't care about my feelings or avoiding conflicts. She just wants to do whatever she wants with no regard for anybody around her. This is all so hard to deal with. My wife just isn't this type of person. For the five years I've known her, she has been nothing but the most caring, thoughtful, wonderful wife I could ask for. I just don't understand this change in her. Well, I understand it, I just don't know how to deal with it. This IS NOT the woman I married!!!

I don't care about the car. It is hers, nothing I can do about it. I was just concerned that she was going to take a loan against it or refinance it to get money for atty. fees. Right now I wouldn't put it past her to do that.

<small>[ October 08, 2003, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

I don't know how to advise you here either. Obviously you want to avoid lovebusting, but you need to set boundaries and enforce Plan B. If she continues to come over and damage the house to get in, you need to have that stopped. I would circle back with one of the Harleys to get some advise.

Hang in there.

Well, i apologized for at least not telling her about the locks. She found the spare keys to the new lock set and took one. So, she has keys now. She just won't respect any boundaries, she just thinks I'm being childish with this whole plan B thing. I think she views it as me taking the postition of: "it's either him or me!" I don't think she seriously looks at it as me just needing to be removed from all of this. I told her yesterday when I went to pick up the kids, that I was grateful to be part of her life for the last 5 years and I hope that I can be a part of it in the future, but while this whole thing is goiing on I just can't be. I also said that I didn't approve and wasn't giving my blessing, but she had to do what she had to do. I will be here and I will forgive you. When the dust all settles from this, I will still be here.

She was angry when I got there, and was more angry when I left. She just blew me off throughout everything I had to say. She isn't taking this seriously.

Uhhhh..... well..... PlB is something like it's either him or me... with the added caveat that if it's him then I can't be part of the picture but as soon as it's not him I'm willing to talk about a future together.

I seem to be saying this a lot lately, but - She's mad at you? So? The anger she is displaying towards you is the anger of an addict whose source (the OM and the A) is being threatened. It's not about you, and as long as you are remaining calm, courteous and respectful it's not about what you're doing either. It's about the intimidation tactics which are how addictions make darn sure no one gets in their way.

The question here is not whether or not she is respecting the boundaries in PlB, it's whether you are? And if you are talking to her and having contact then you are not. And in the end that will throw a monkey wrench in your plans.

There is no such thing as a modified PlB (if you disagree take it up with Dr. Harley, that's his statement, not mine... at least not originally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) PlB is defined by no contact. An attempt to mix PlA with PlB is a recipe for failing.

Now, what are you doing to take care of you? Sleeping? Eating ok? Getting out with friends (male only)? Reinvesting in a hobby or two?

C

So, your saying....wait...ummm...your saying she's...she's angry? But not...umm...not at me?!?!... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ok, just giving you a hard time. I suppose that I'm not respecting the boundaries either so far. So even in regards to the kids, no contact means no contact? If she shows up should I leave? How do I tactfully not talk to her when she asks me questions?

As for me, well, I'm sleeping ok (keep waking up at 4:00 am...even with the sleeping pills) and I'm eating some (usually one good meal a day). I haven't gone out with any friends yet. I've been taking an added interest in my dog (he is a 9 month old Yellow Lab who has been largely neglected thus far) and doing little things around the house (fixing stuff and painting, redecorating, ect...). I think I'm gonna start working out (I've lost about 30 lbs. since this began...none of my cloths fit anymore!) and I went cloths shopping. I was thinking about trading in my truck for a newer one but wasn't sure if that was a good idea with the possibilty of divorce looming overhead. I went shopping for some new furniture but haven't bought anything yet. I'm trying to think of new hobbies to try, but nothing sounds appealing right now. I'm trying to get on with life but it just seems to be stalling out a bit right at the moment. I'm back at work today, I've worked about a total of 4 days in the last 3 and a half weeks. My employer is pretty understanding about this type of thing. They are a very family oriented company. They said to take as much time as I needed. I just got tired of sitting around the house feeling bad, so I'm gonna come here to feel bad for a while then I'll go home and feel bad some more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Any suggestions as to what else I could do to at least give the illusion that I'm getting on with things?

What would you do if your children were having temper tantrums like this? I have to admit the baseball bat stuff scares me. If my children were acting this way I would put them in their room, lock the door if I had to, and let them have it out until such time as they calmed down enough to think about what they were doing and have a conversation about what they can do. Try to think of Plan B as a timeout for your W. She acting like an overgrown child, her behaviour like a temper tantrum because she isn't getting her own way. Her actions do have consequences. You have to be the parent here and stand firm. If you give in and have contact with her before SHE is ready to work on your M your plan will not work. However, she has to get past the anger/violence long enough to think about her actions. Without you around, she will hopefully come to realize what she is missing. When she does, THEN you can open the door to her and to talk with her about your future and what your needs/expectations are...NOT BEFORE. She has to show you she's ready.

Until then you MUST concentrate on you and your children. They need you now more than ever. What good are you going to be for them if you don't take care of yourself. It's bad enough that they've lost one parent let alone two.

Most importantly listen to everyone here especially Cerri. We do care about you. We are here when you need us. You are not alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

{{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

We must have been on the board at the same time.

I've been taking an added interest in my dog (he is a 9 month old Yellow Lab who has been largely neglected thus far) and doing little things around the house (fixing stuff and painting, redecorating, ect...). I think I'm gonna start working out (I've lost about 30 lbs. since this began...none of my cloths fit anymore!) and I went cloths shopping.

Sounds like a great first step! Keep it up. I found for me that doing stuff that made me focus solely on the activity and not letting me think too much did wonders, like singing and tackling the basement. Maybe do something off the wall to make yourself feel good. I hear the trend for some men is getting a manicure/pedicure or facial to go with your new look. Let someone else pamper you for a change.

So, your saying....wait...ummm...your saying she's...she's angry? But not...umm...not at me?!?!... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Close... very close <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . She's mad AT you, furious in fact, but it's not ABOUT you.

See, I've been there, and I've talked to enough WS's to get the same story from them. The things you do to create conflict in an affair relationship or to expose it to the scrutiny of others are going to make her very angry. But it's the kind of anger that doesn't linger and cause a whole lot of trouble in recovery. Now, if you knew some very personal information that she had shared with you over the years (child abuse is one that comes to mind) and you decided as part of your exposure efforts to toss in that little tidbit as well.....MMmm the anger she would feel about that would be very damaging to reconcilitation and recovery.

So even in regards to the kids, no contact means no contact?

Yep. No means no... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL

If she shows up should I leave?

Is she just showing up at your home? How often? Can you predict when it might be likely that she would be popping in unannounced?

How do I tactfully not talk to her when she asks me questions?

Don't be available.

As for me, well, I'm sleeping ok (keep waking up at 4:00 am...even with the sleeping pills) and I'm eating some (usually one good meal a day).

Alright, your idea of sleeping ok and mine are two different things, but you are at least sleeping some. Is there anyway you could eat a little better too?

I haven't gone out with any friends yet. I've been taking an added interest in my dog (he is a 9 month old Yellow Lab who has been largely neglected thus far) and doing little things around the house (fixing stuff and painting, redecorating, ect...).

This is all good.

I think I'm gonna start working out (I've lost about 30 lbs. since this began...none of my cloths fit anymore!) and I went cloths shopping.

The infamous infidelity diet. If we could remove the infidelity and the pain bottle it and sell it we would all be rich! Exercise would be a really good thing. The endorphin boost you get will help your mood and you should both eat and sleep better. Even taking the dog for a run would be good.

I was thinking about trading in my truck for a newer one but wasn't sure if that was a good idea with the possibilty of divorce looming overhead. I went shopping for some new furniture but haven't bought anything yet.

Yeah, I would wait on the truck and the furntiture. But shopping.... always good....

I'm trying to think of new hobbies to try, but nothing sounds appealing right now. I'm trying to get on with life but it just seems to be stalling out a bit right at the moment.

Yeah, I know. It sucks. Volunteer somewhere. It's one of the best things you can do to feel better about yourself and your life. Giving time, talent and energy to others is one of the best ways to get your mind off your own troubles, even if it's just for a little while. Now, I wouldn't reccomend your local hospice center right now.... that might be a bit too much!! But a library, shelter, food shelf, animal shelter, there's a wealth of opportunities out there.

I just got tired of sitting around the house feeling bad, so I'm gonna come here to feel bad for a while then I'll go home and feel bad some more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Nice to see a hint of sense of humor.

C