One year ago... ( well not exactly, one year was a couple of weeks ago, but I forgot )<BR>I had just found out about the affair. I was shocked, confused and hurt. I had been going trough a bad period of my life, healthwise, been on medication, and feeling panicky since neither I or the doctors had any idea what was causing it. Last year at the begining of May all the symptoms disapeared by themselves and I was waking up again, feeling happy and ready to be there more for my husband. I was happy that he had supported me trough it, and sorry that sometimes I was just too tired to be there 100% for him. Everything looked great to me, after what I think was a depression period ( which the death of both my adoptive father, and my birthmother, added to being sick and some other minor issues, might have caused).<BR>I stopped taking my medication slowly, as the doctor recommended, and by the end of May I was free. My weight started going down ( I had gained a lot during the 3 years on medication), i felt like I was looking good again. And then my H went to this work related thing for 5 days.When he came back he was different. I gave it a week, thinking that maybe he was being childish and was trying to get back at me for the time I had been sick. On that week, one of his friends died, so I also thought that could be the reason for the way he was acting.At the end of that week, everything seemed strange still, so I talked to him ( an affair was not even on my mind), and everything shattered. He didn't love me anymore, hadn't for a while, he didn't even like me, our marriage had been a mistake, nothing good had come out of it, no he didn't want to try counselling, no it couldn't be fixed,not because it was impossible but because he didn't want to.No there wasn't anybody else, but if the opportunity arise he would take it. No there was not even a small change of recovery, he wanted out. Out of the house, out of the marriage out of everything.<BR>Later he confessed that yes there was someone else, and it turned out to be someone from work, that he had at some point commented on how she behaved towards men, and didn't approve her moral choices. I was numb for a while, all that seemed to have sprung from nowhere. Suddenly his memory was so selective, he couldn't recall one happy moment in out 16 years of marriage, but he could remember perfectly any bad ones including many that never happened. Suddenly I couldn't do anything right in any way, and if he had no choice but to agree that I had done something right he would get irritated like he was mad that I could do it.<BR>A period of long talks, sometimes up to 5 or 6 a.m. followed, but no matter what the answer was always:NO, it won't work. I started noticing that everytime I tried to talk about our chances, or about the affair, things would actually get worse, he would end up leaving the house even if it was in the middle of the night, and for a few days after things seemed to get worse than ever. On the other hand, if I kept the conversation neutral, act like nothing was happening, did things to myself and act relaxed, he would actually seem to enjoy being home - in a way. SO I planned around that. I decided to make things at home confortable and easygoing, yes I did tell him that things certainly couldn't go on like this forever, but let him have his space and time to decide by himself what he wanted to do. I held on to the millions of questions I had, wrote them down instead, and decided to give them to him when he felt less defensive. I used the computer many times, and never guessed the there was a site that could help me. SO I used mostly what made sense to me, and read a few books. It turned out that I used what is now called the plan A, I looked back and was able to see many weak points, and tried to change them. I saw that with all the extra hours we worked, we rarely had time for each other, there was no going out together, there was not even much talking anymore. I started there, and believe me it was hard, since he wasn't accepting anything from me at that point. I offered to help him with some of his part time, even though I was working my regular hours as well. That gave us some time together as strange as it seems, it was a time where we had a chance to talk, and change ideas and stuff.Did I see a difference right away? Of course not. Things has taken so long to reach this point, they wouldn't get better any faster. But I figured while I was with him working, he certainly asn't taking any brakes with her. I became a bit of a detective, found the code to retrieve voice messages from his pager, or numerical messages. Got her phone number, and the number for most of her family, since she rarely called from the same place, as well as their own codes 63 ( her birth year), 182 ( # of her sister in law house, meant she was there alone), and much more including 69 ( no need to explain what that one meant). I developed a sixth sense of when she was paging him, and would have some important messages from his work to tell him, so I would always end up calling him right after she paged. Sometimes the messages required him to come home, and by then I would make either one of his favorite dishes, or just "happened" to have rented a movie that he wanted to see, or something and he would end up staying home, and not call her. I considered this small victories, and since I'm a positive person, my energy would recharge with those small things.Our anniversary came, and he got home at 3 a.m.,she had picked him up after work ( 12a.m.) for a "coffee".<BR> In July we went camping, and I thought things were on its way to get better. We had a good time with the kids, and he kept mentioning things that we neede to buy for future camping trips. He even forgot all about the pager. I didn't, checked from the campground and learned she was in Atlanta, missing him very much, and for him to call her at the hotel. Since he didnd't call, she then called her sister in law, and asked her to leave a message as well, repeating the phone number and the message for him to call. The fact that he didn't check the messages made me fell so good... well it was way to early to sing victory, when we got back everything got back to the begining. No, No, NO, nothing had changed, nothing would ever change, the marriage would not work again. He wanted to leave, was staying home only because he needed to save money for an apartment. AT the same time, however, he was acting really strange for someone who wanted to save money: spending extra money on things for us or the home, that weren't really needed or important. I got a new kitchen table - the old one was still perfectly good -, new computer games, the scanner I had once said I would like to have, new clothes for the kids... and money was even spent going out for lunch or dinner with us, bringing dessert home from our favorite ice cream place, things like that. Still, his answer was always the same: No chance.<BR>One day I got a call from one of my mom's friends ( my adoptive mom), she was visiting North America on a tour, and was going to be in Toronto the next day. She left me the phone number of the hotel, and asked me to go there since she had some stuff from my mom to me ( my birthday was getting closer).SInce he was in one of those no talking phases, I didn't tell him about it ( I wonder now, what would have happened if I did). I went to the hotel, talked with her, got the letter from my mom, and was leaving when I passed the elevators on the lobby. The door of one of the elevators opened, and very naturaly, I looked. Wow... talk about coincidences: Out comes my H with lovely ow, all smiles. Everything froze. I remember saying something like "Hi guys , did you have a good time? ANd turned to the door out. H came after, But not to apologize. He was furious. Does anybody like to be caught? Of course not. after some heated words from both parts, he left. SInce I had to take the bus home, and he had the car, he got home before me, packed and took the suitcase to the car. I got home to a angry bunch of people ( FIL, MIL, SIL and even the guy that is living with my SIL - WE live with FIL and MIL, and at that time SIL was also living there) Instead of compassion, or at leat indiference, everybody turned against me. Turns out, when they asked what happened, H was rude to them, so instead of solving that with him, they ganged against me.<BR>I woke up the next day, thinking that he had left for good, just to find him in the couch downstairs, sleeping like a baby. It didn;t change anything. That day, at the suggestion of his sister, he told the kids he was leaving and explained that he didn't love mommy anymore. The kids didn't really understand everthing , but got the main idea. The little one ( 5) got mad, and refused to say a word to his father, the older one (8), trew up on her plate ( this at a restaurant while having breakfast)and cryed for the whole day.<BR>That night he slept in the couch also. I couldn't understand that, if it was me, after deciding to leave, I would leave, i wouldn't come back to sleep. He had different choices of sleeping arragments, ranging from a friend, his sister that was finally leaving to her own house, in his office, or .... even with the ow. Why sleep home? I talked to him, explained what I felt about his talk with the kids ( I hadn't been present), told him that if he was having trouble arranging a place to sleep he was still welcome here, but not to use our bedroom unless he meant to stay. I also told him that I would still help him on his part-time jobs because he looked exausted, but to start looking for other alternatives. I told him I still thought we could rebuild, and that it seemed to me he was even more confused than what I was. I told him I was going to start counseling for myself, and maybe he should try it too. I told him I loved him , and that I hoped he could decide to stay with us. I didn't really talk about the affair or the ow. I didn't think it would help.<BR>One week later I had a call from him from work asking me to find counselling for both of us, and "let's see what we can do." . We went to counselling for about4 or 5 times and I wasn't expecting even that much, he really has trouble talking about himself or his feelings. What helped more than the counselling was his decision to go for it. The first real opening, and at least admitting that maybe it could work. I remember him coming from counselling one day, feeling attacked - didn't really have a reason to, but he was feeling everything was an attack, since he was starting to feel guilty . ANd I told him" You didn't really expect to go to counselling and have everything solved just like that, did you" "I guess not, her said, but I was wishing it would happen like that"<BR>The affair was still on. One time he told me she was out of the picture, then next week I found he had been fined for parking in front of her house - no parking zone. Everything went back again. In September, we wrote a letter to her. MY birthday is on the 11th. ANd on that day she still went to pick him up at work. He got home at 5 a.m/, granted he spend most of that time at the hospital, because of his knee, but before going to the hospital he was with her.<BR>But things were finally changing. He was staying home more and more, he was sharing things with us, he was starting to look and act like the man I had married. <BR>She kept paging and calling. He gave me the pager. He changed his work hours so he didn't have to be there at the same time she was. She kept calling, to his cell usually. He didn't seem to understand why that would bother me " I didn't ask her to call !" I tried to start getting answers to many of my questions. he was still defensive about it. "Why don't you just let it go? I'm here aren't I?"<BR>In December, we had been invited to a wedding , she was probably invited too. I wasn't sure about going. I wanted to go, but wasn't sure about facing her. He wanted me to go, even helped pick up a nice dress. By then I had found this forum, and asked what to do. Most answers reflected my thoughts. SO I went. She didn't. It was good, because, many of the guys working with him knew about the affair, but didn't know me. Meeting me, made them see me as a real person, and some commented on the affair to him, telling him he hadn't been thinking straight. On that wedding I got my first "I love you" since the whole thing had started. It felt so good <BR>Ever since things got better and better. She would still call occasionally but she finally got the message. NO more calls from her anymore. My marriage is now stronger and happier. I finally got all my answers, and fianlly saw him feeling sorry for what happened. He finally read the emotional needs questionaire, and answered it. He uses it as a guide because like me, many of the things I had listed as more important did not corresponded with what he thought. He's been doing his best to change some of his negative things - like taking it on me when he is upset with something else, and criticizing me on things that if it was him doing he would just laugh them off. I am making sure that he feels appreciated, and showing him that he is important to me. I am scheduling together time, and surprising him every once in a while ( new haircut, haircolor, completely different style of clothes, stuff like that)<BR>It was hard work, it went back and forth for a while, it was painful ( for both of us), but it was worth. Today, I came from taking the dog for a walk, and heard him advising a friend against an affair. "Don't even go in there - he said - it's not worth, and you might not have another chance at your marriage"<BR>Believe me, although unfortunately there are some cases when it doesn't work, a big number of marriages do survive the affair, and get better as a result. <BR>Don't give up hope. It's a tough ride, but you'll be stronger for it. Don't get discouraged when it seems that it's getting nowhere, you might bee this close to an happy ending. <BR>Sorry for being so long<BR>Take care you all<BR>Kat

Thanks...I'm almost in tears. We need good news so badly. We all hope that in all the ups and downs we will finally get through this mess with a marriage that is stronger and a spouse that is faithful again<P>I'm very happy for you

Kat,<P>Seems like I always have a word or phrase of the day. Not like a big revelation or anything, but just something that bounces around in my head for awhile.<P>Today it's HERO. <P>AND YOU ARE IT !!! A hero.<P>I'm going to define it now, well, because I can. <P>One who shows extrodinary strength and purpose. <BR>One who beats all the odds and is victorious. One who desevers great honor and appreciation. One who inspires....<P>I could go on and on. (whether I spell stuff right or not ) <P>Kat. I am amazed at the depth of your love and strength. Amazed!<P>You have truely walked through the greatest pain and shown how great it can be on the other side.<P>So happy that you are happy!<P>Thanks so much for sharing that. <P>WOW.<P>I just don't know what else to say...<P>-rjr

Thank you Kat!!<BR>You are the greatest!!<BR>Some day I hope to be where you are.

Thanks for sharing your story, Kat! Wow -- May to December without "I love you". It's been almost 6 months since I heard those words from my H. Thanks for reminding me its worth the wait!

Kat, RJ#2 said it all for me too. Just what I needed to read tonight before bed and wondering if I should go on. Thank you for your long and insightfull post. Good to know others go through so much and survive. Gave me hope even though I don't know if he thought I was alive tonight. Thanks so much!<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P>

WOW so many similarities, thanks for sharing it all, it gives hope to those of us still wondering if it can ever work out.<P>Linda

Thank you for your words. When it all started I just needed to hear about success stories to keep my hopes high. However, since I didn't know about this forum then, I didn't hear about any. I kept thinking to myself, if I just find a story where this happened and where the marriage survived I could feel better.<BR>That;s why I decided to post this. I find many of you are going trough similar situations, situations that feel final, and take away our strenght. From there I remebered my wish of learning about a story with a happy ending, so I thought I would share my happy ending with you.<BR>It can work, just be patient and don't discourage.<BR>TAke care <BR>Kat<P>

WOW<P>What a story, I have love-busted all weekend, but after reading your post you have given me real hope. I won't give up that easily again.<P>Good Luck<P>Cuddles

Hi Kat, <P> What a wonderful story, thank you so much for sharing. Even though my H is back with us , emotionally he seems so distant.....your words are so encouraging and make me want to continue down this path. (Some days I would like to just pack it all in!).My only question is how in the world did you maintain your sanity ? and your perspective.?.....you are one strong optimistic lady!!! Lu

Kat,<BR>OMG....I just read your story, and although some of it is different, sooo much of it parallels my story. With the pages, calls, etc....she wouldn't leave him alone....he told me the same thing yours told you.....acted the same way.....I was depressed, gained weight....my goodness...it's so much the same...and guess what else...we share a birthday!! Mine is also Sept 11th....you weren't born in 1956 were ya? That would even be weirder..<BR>I'm so glad that things have worked out for you.....I really don't think mine will. I sent the B letter on Thursday...my son's birthday was yesterday and he didn't even call, so I'm assuming he received it. <BR>He really loves this woman..so I don't think there is much chance of him giving her up. He has convinced himself he doesn't love me anymore...he only "cares". It's funny, he was so in love with me until she showed up again. I hate all this....but I'm so happy to hear a happy ending. <P>------------------<BR>~Linda~<P>

You're one hell of a woman Kat....<BR>but you knew that didn't ya? <BR>you have my upmost admiration and respect.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>There's no place that far.<P><BR>

I'm so happy for you Kat. Thanks for posting it, we all need to hear that it can get better.<P>I only wish my year in this mess was going as well...

Kat,<P>Thanks so much for the inspirational story. You are so right the success stories mean so much to me and I am sure the rest of us to give us hope and faith.<P>You are one strong woman and "Hero" is sure a good word for you.<P>"You are the wind beneath my wings" today and for the rest of the week.<P>Thanks so much again.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Kat1,<P>What an inspirational story. Your strength in tough times is amazing. You believed in your h and he was able to get through the withdrawal and addiction to the OW. <P>It feels good to reads stories of hope and new beginnings in the marriage. It won't be a reality for me, but it still gives me hope for the future in any relationship. I know that the whole thing is a real process and you are still in it, but it sounds like things are looking up. Congrats and keep up the good work. GP

Kat1, thanks for the post. It was very encouraging. I wish I could say that I have had as pleasant an experience. My W has gone through several affairs only to find that the guys she was with didn't care after they had sex. I think she is having an emotional affair right now that she won't admit to. Yet, she is also looking for ways to make that move to leave. It hurts deeply to know that I am expendable. She won't go to counselling so everything that I am doing I am doing onesided. She won't read the books that I have bought. She only wants to blame me for the unhappiness that she feels. I am cuurrently rereading Gary Smalley's Making Love Last Forever. I have concluded that she has a great deal of unresolved anger that has been fueled by me but started when she was a child. I am accused of being a know it all and not being wrong. Granted there are many things that I stand firmly behind only because I can prove it by sghowing her how I came to my conclusion. I have been called nosy when I would check her pager which I was only able to get into her voice mail messages a few times because she continually changes the code.<P>Things are getting somewhat better though in spite of the way that I must proceed to make it better.<P>Once again thanks for the post. It is reassuring to know that it can get better. I just pray that I don't have to go through number 9 or number 8 for a long time before we can get close to where we began. Her first affair was nearly 6 years ago now.<P>------------------<BR>Rob<P>

Linda W talk about coincidences I don't think I ever met a person with the same birthday. Now I do. Hey listen my H alo "loved "his ow very much, and more he didn't even "care" about me at all.This I don't care about anything that had to do with you went for a while, hey he didn't even feel sorry for the hust he was causing, it was like I deserved it. SO nothing is over untill it's over.<BR>Lu, I'm not sure about sanity but yes I am very positive and stubborn, and I have trouble relying on things that don't make sense, his attitude didnt really make sense ( like any affair ), and knowing him, it didn't seem to make sense the fact that suddenly our marriage had been in big, serious trouble for so long without him talking about it, and that he felt nothing for me. <BR>I don't believe in quiting ( which sometimes gets me in trouble ). I used what I know about him shamelessly, i have to confess, but of course let him think that he was the one coming up with the choices and decisions, I let her come up with all the love busters instead of me - I must say this one worked well, the more he was staying home, the more she was calling and complaining and the more he was getting p***ed at her . there wasn't much more I could do, one wrong word and he would be out thanking me for the excuse for him to leave. Many times it was like he was waiting for me to tell him to go, so he didn't have to be the one deciding on that, so I decided not to do it. I did tell him that I wouldn't make that decision for him. <BR>Withdrawl was difficult, I think, because the affair was just starting when discovered, he didn't have time to go trough all the stages, so whenever he tought about ending it he was always wondering how it would be with her.<BR>She helped, by telling him how I didn't support him, and that she would never let him down, - this coming from someone that barely knew me, such insight - and used to call him so much just to"say I love you" that I used to call her Stevie Wonder <BR>One of the things my husband said was that he admired the fact that I never said anything against her, at the most I disagreed with her moral choices, but didn't really attack her in any way. I also wasn't baited when she started comlaining to him that I was calling her place, and harrassing her. I just asked my H if I had ver lied to him, and if he believed me. She was unfortunate in choosing the times she was saying I called, because many of them coincided with times where me and H were together, and there was no way I would have called. Why should I call her? I had nothing to say to her? - I did talk to her, twice, she called me.The last time, I just told her that if my H stayed with us, the way it seemed, she would be loosing, but if he left to be with her, she would be loosing too, because she would never know when he would do the same thing again this time with her. ANd have a nice day. I didn't let her poison me, or advance any other conversation. SO she never called again.<BR>It helped that I am a very calm person, I guess, although I had my moments . But I must say that I also have to credit her, when she felt he was getting away she love busted like crazy... ooops <BR>Anyway take care everybody, and keep you hope high<BR>Kat

Kat,<BR>I just read where you said your hubby appreciated you not bashing his OW. I have tried very hard not to do that....but I have a few times. And I sent her a letter after he left this time. Telling her how I watched her manipulate him,and how his family would never accept her...stuff like that, but I resorted to no name calling. I still don't know if she received the letter. I didn't hear anything. <BR>I did ask him once, before he left this time, "what kind of woman is capable of this Bob?" But I didn't get nasty. I just don't know what to think. It's all such a mess. I am so angry with HER mostly, and his mother...I feel he's being played like a fiddle. Is that denial? <P>------------------<BR>~Linda~<P>

Kat1, <P>Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! <P>What a great story of hope, perserverance, and love! This is what keeps me going. Thank God I found this forum. I sincerely pray that we all will have our story to share and that like you, it will be one of victory.<P>Again, thank you!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Sir Hurts Alot<BR>---------------<BR>"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved." - George Sand

Kat-I really loved listening to your story-you are one tremendous lady!! I wish I had done more the way you did, you are someone to look up to. I am back with my H and the OW is out of the picture. I didn't speak ill of her until after HE decided what she really was. Now I'm having problems trying to NOT speak of her at all. Thanks for the happy story, sure pray we all have those when it's meant to be!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<BR>