Hi Pumkin ,, I understand how you feel about the shame, Its unreal how we the ones who did nothing wrong feel.. I will never forget two days after finding out about my h A , I was outside and my parents live right next door . My mom came over to give my daughter something and I could not even look her in the face I felt such shame and embarresement and that was she did not even know anything yet. I felt terrible and when my husband came home that day I told him you need to have my parents come over and tell them what you did, because i can not live this way. He did and i felt such relief but also such hurt .. It has been a year and 4 months and the pain and hurt is still there. As ginger said it does get better, but for me its the trust . How can you have a marriage if you cannot trust? I hope that you are able to get by a little more each day. God bless hurtinhart

I feel for you Pumkin, and you too jgnc.

I just confirmed, (do a little math), 10 days ago now, the suspicions of my wife's Emotional Affair / Internet Affair, compounded with plans to escalate it to a Physical Affair by having him meet her while she was out of town (on a trip planned before they'd even known each other).

EA's are real, as real as they come. Personally, I'm a basket case, but I don't think I'm ready to get into all of the details of my own situation right now.

Suffice it to say, I recognize how much I contributed to the problems in our relationship (I'm a master of those Love Busters) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , but my emotions are all over the board.

My thoughts are with everyone right now, hoping for good things in your lives, while I try to find a glimmer of hope in my own life.

Hi everyone.

Thanks so much for all your support. It really feels good to know that there are others out there that understand what I am going through. I found this web site by accident, and I am very thankful that I did.

We went to our first mc session this past Tuesday. I can't say if it went well or not, because I was not sure what to expect. Most of what the therapist said was that we have lost communication with each other and are strangers. We both knew that, but to see a stranger pick up on it right away, that hurt.

We have both been going to ic for the past 5 weeks and this was our first joint session with both therapists. I was baffled to hear that his therapist did tell him that if he were in therapy while he was having his ea, she would have told him not to tell me. In other words, just keep lying. How can we rebuild trust if she is telling him that?

Anyway, the worst part for me is that he met her on a commuter bus which he takes to work every day. She is not someone who he will not ever see again. He says that he makes sure to get on a different bus than she does now, and that when she sees him, she just keeps looking straight ahead like she does not know him. I honestly don't believe anything right now. My head has been in a constant fog and I can't concentrate on much.

What I found odd about the session was that when I expressed my anger for him sharing my personal problems, etc with her, the therapist said that people discuss things with other people that they care about. I still don't get that either, but what really makes me mad is that two years ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It has been an up and down battle (another long story). He told this woman all about my condition, etc. She took that as a quick opportunity to put her foot in the door. The problems we were having before the ea were communication, not physical. Although there were some periods of time that I was not able to have sex, I did try to keep my husband happy as much as possible, considering the situation. I knew that if I did not do that, someone else would. This woman is divorced and raising two children on her own. I saw through her immediately. She wants a meal ticket. She was even cruel enough to tell him that she would give him that daughter he always wanted while I was waiting on pins and needles for test results. I keep asking myself "how and when did he get so stupid?" Aside from the ea, he may have put my health at risk. Although I finally recd good news on my test results in July, I have to get tested every three months. I went last week and am currently awaiting results. I am almost positive that the stress his stupidity caused me will effect me in other ways.

I have been on antidepressents since I found out about my condition. They really do help a lot. After I found out what he did, he went to the doctor and got some too.

I have to say that he seems like he is remorseful, but I can't just say ok, I forgive you and move on.

I am still feeling ashamed of something I know was not my fault, regardless of what the mc said. I have been reading the time frame that some of you have been dealing with this, and I can clearly see that the pain will most likely never go away. This feeling is awful. I have good days and bad days, and days that I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers up and hide.

I believed in my vows when I took them. I have this undying feeling to make him feel what I feel. I can't explain it. One more thing the therapist said that I was surprised at was that he can expect some form of revenge. That, made me feel good.

Thanks again for all your support. I will check back in later.

pumkin
I am wondering if this is a christian MC you are going to?
Some of the responses did not seem helpful to me as I read your post.I hope you are doing ok.
Yes the pain is intense and it may take you a very long time to get over it but that is ok,your H broke your trust.You can still have a good M I do believe this,I am working on it daily.Still there are good days and bad but the bad days get fewer as time goes on.

I do hope and pray that your test results are good.It seems like you have had a lot more to deal with lately than just the A.
I am sorry for this,but try and stay strong.

I agree with Ginger. A bad MC can do real damage. If you are not in a small town, I would investigate a new MC. Get on the phone and interview them. Ask them how they feel about honesty and disclosure. Do they specialize in MC? I'd suggest the Harley's. They are about the same price as most MCs

Hi Gingersnap,

No, our mc is not Christian. None of this situation makes any sense to me. All I can be sure of right now is that my mind is in a fog and I feel like it is playing tricks on me. One minute I am "ok" around h and the next, I am not. I still do not understand the whole shame thing.
The disrespect that I feel is so overwhelming. For a while I was not able to wear my rings. When I saw people at my job staring at me funny, I forced myself to wear them, just not to be any more embarassed than I am.

Thank you for your wishes regarding my test results. I will keep you posted.

I see that you have been dealing with this for almost a year. How do you do it?

<small>[ November 02, 2003, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: pumkin ]</small>

bellvue

how have these five years been? you are still together, that must say something. I still have not made up my mind. I am willing to give this a try, but I honestly don't know how to do this. I am devistated. I will never trust this man again.

Hi cwmac.

I realize that I was most likely babbling on my last post and caused you some confusion.

In answer to your questions:

The EA went on for about 3 months (that is what I was told). This was explained to me by MC as a typical infatuation period where people believe they are in love when the A starts, but after about 3 months, the infatuation ends and they don't want the relationship anymore.

We live in a rural area where the job market is not good. The local pay is extremely low, so if no want to make money, you have to travel to a big city. The only commuting option is a bus line. There are no trains, etc here. I did the commuting for about 8 months and could not deal with it anymore. It is very stressful and I feel you really do become someone else due to the long day you have. You are away from home for about 14 hrs per day. The whole situation is bazaar. Anyway, this is where he met her. He tells me about the regular commuters on the bus, and she was one of them. She moved here about a year and a half ago, and when she started riding the bus was confused. For whatever reason, she asked my H for bus info, things like that and that is how they met. This to me was no big deal. I even met her at the grocery store one day. She told me that my H was the first person to "befriend" her. I know at that time there was nothing going on. This was about a year ago.

A few months ago,I realized suddenly that my H was just not right. He was acting funny. I figured out the password to get into his voice mail and would listen to his messages every chance I got. The few that were from her were just asking to save a seat on the bus, stuff like that.

Then one day I was at work and it just popped into my head that it was her.I don't know how I knew, but I was right. I found out when my H went to the store one Sunday morning and while he was out I listened to his messages. There were 4 on this day from her saying how much she loves him and that "the person he is living with" is not right for him, she is. When he came home, he did not deny it. I think he wanted me to know but didn't have the guts to say it to me. Needless to say, that day was ugly.

H has been giving me info that I ask for, but how do I know what to believe? His version was that within the 3 months, he kissed her a few times, told her he loved her, and she would constantly try to get him to go places with her for a PA but he didn't do it.

As hard as it is for me, to admit, I beleive that nothing other than the kissing, etc happened, only because I constantly check up on him during the day. On the weekends, we were not separated to give time for something like a PA. But then again, I may be wrong.

I think the part that I am really having difficulty understanding is that this woman is not his type. There is absolutely nothing about her that would attract him. As I mentioned in my last post, she is divorced with kids and a house. She is obvisouly looking for a meal ticket. I really do believe that she was trying to trap him into getting her pregnant to secure her future. She would tell him that she would give him a daughter (something he wants).

He does seem remorseful for what he did, but I don't trust that he is just telling me what I want to hear.

I have already read a couple of books on this stuff, and I will pick up the one you suggested too. Thanks for listening and thanks for the advice.

Hi Pumkin
I am no expert but I would suggest that you look into some Christian councling.Are you and your H christians?The reason I say this is because if you want to restore your M then a christian C will be there to help with that where a C of the world may not,they do not view M like we do.

Yes it has been almost a year for me and lately I must say it has been really hard,all the memories of last year and the way H treated me.Some months have been ok and others just horrible,right now things are really hard but I am sure it is all a part of the recovery process.I can say this,time helps and so does this site.Just posting on those really bad days and getting responses and knowing that you are not the only one that feels the way you do makes all the difference in the world.
This may be the hardest thing we ever deal with in life and it will take time to get through it.What you must remember is everyone heals at a different rate.I am learning this now.That some may get over it and move on quickly others it takes years,you must do what is best for you.

Take care.

Hi gingersnap.

Your last response gave me the feeling that you are a bit down. I see that you have your d day near the holidays. That must have been awful for you last year, especially trying to make a nice holiday for your kids. Why are men so stupid?

No, our MC is not Christian. We are not religious people. I have learned a lot about myself in the past couple of weeks. Some good, some bad. I am having a really hard time getting past this whole thing and tyring to concentrate on my marriage. I can't help it. My H has been treating me better than he has in years, and we are getting along better than we have in years, yet I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that if we are going to try and fix this, I have to get past that, but I can't. It is not even what he did that hurts as much as the disrespect. I can't let that go. Forgiveness has never been easy for me and I don't see a reason to forgive this. My C told me that I need to get a hold of my thoughts and emotions and stop giving the situation a life of its own. To some degree I know she is right, but that does not make it easy.

This site has been very helpful to me. Like you, I was glad to find that I am not alone. What caught me by surprise is the amount of people that have been hurt by their spouses. I think it is very sad.

I hope you can cheer up a bit. Remember, you are not alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep in touch.

Pumkin

Pumkin,

In your post to me you said....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The EA went on for about 3 months (that is what I was told). This was explained to me by MC as a typical infatuation period where people believe they are in love when the A starts, but after about 3 months, the infatuation ends and they don't want the relationship anymore.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did your H tell you the length of the EA or did the MC assume this? BTW, I have never heard an EA explained with such specific time frames. EAs can develope slowly or quickly and can start and finish quickly as well as last a long time. Part of the determining factor is degree of contact but even that rule doesn't always apply. Look at the internet chat affairs. They chat alot but rarely have real world interaction.

You also said............ </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H has been giving me info that I ask for, but how do I know what to believe? His version was that within the 3 months, he kissed her a few times, told her he loved her, and she would constantly try to get him to go places with her for a PA but he didn't do it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, PAs occur when two people having an EA have the oppurtunity. Internet chatters may be having an intense EA but because one lives in NY and the other in Ca. there is no oppurtunity for a PA until they plan that first meeting.

Here is another prejudice of mine that is a huge generalization but I believe it: I believe that W have to be in love (or think they are) before they will have sex (ONS don't count here). On the other hand a M doesn't typically fall in love with a W unless he's had sex ( or wants to have sex) with her.

Once my W admitted to an EA, I didn't think it could have been PA either. Didn't think they had oppurtunity. I was wrong; they made the oppurtunity. Just some thoughts. Don't know whether your H had the PA or not.

cwmac

HI Pumkin

Yes I have been down a bit lately.Im sure it has to do with the time of year and yes last year Christmas was a challenge for me.I think it will be hard again this year.

I don't know why so many hurt their spouses I do not understand it.Yes like many here we were having some problems but I never thought of finding someone else and can not understand why he did.

I understand how when you start talking w/someone and they begin to make you feel really good about yourself how that can cause an attraction but I do not understand the lack of self control and crossing the line.I do not understand how they can live two lives so to speak.I do not think I could do it.

Well we just need to hang in there somehow and find strength from each other and other here.
Take care and talk to you soon.

cwmac,

In regards to the timing issue, I have been trying to get h to explain to me just how he can "fall in love" in a couple of months with this woman, and then wake up one day and not love her. He kept telling me that his reasoning for that was because "they both knew it wasn't going anywhere". I didn't buy that. I asked him in front of the MC and when he gave me that same answer, she stopped him and explained to me that his feelings of "love" just disappeared one day because it was not love. She then went into the timing / infatuation thing. If that is the case she was a lot better at explaining it than him.

I do not believe that he did not want a PA with her. I am also very leary about his not taking her up on her invitations. No offense to you, but men don't reject sex so quickly. I also know that I will never know the whole story. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. He does answer my questions, but like I said, for all I know it is another lie.

Thanks for the input. Take care.

Pumkin

Hi gingersnap.

You still sound sad. The holidays are going to be a challenge for me this year too. I have no desire to go xmas shopping, and I can't even entertain the thought of picking out a card for h. I know hallmark has one for every occassion, but I doubt this will be on their list.

How are your kids dealing with the situation (if they know)? I am finding that I am very uncomfortable around anyone and everyone. I think they will look at me and know what H did. I know it sounds silly, but I am so down and ashamed by this. I keep telling myself that I need to try and push it aside in order to try and make it work, but I can't seem to do that. Maybe this phase will just take longer for me than someone else. I am afraid that I will never be able to look at H again without seeing this. It really hurts.

I am thankful for all the support I have found here. It has really done me a lot of good.

Try to cheer up a bit ( I know, I should take my own advice). Talk to you soon.

Pumkin

Hi Pumkin

I think you are right there are no cards to fit how we feel.

My kids do not know of the A so it is hard.Last weekend when we were visiting them my son and his wife were going on and on about Kobe Bryant and how he deserved what he got for cheating on his wife,I just looked at my H.My kids can not stand someone that cheats and my D can not stand someone that stays with a cheater even more.For this and other reasons I decided not to tell them even tho both of the older kids are adults and married.They would dis-own their father and since we decided to stay together it would have just complicated the situation.

As for feeling ashamed,I feel that same way most of the time.Sometimes I feel like H feels like he has moved into the crowed of men who think that they are really something because they have cheated.You know how some men feel like they are not real men unless they have had more than one woman in their life.Lately I just feel worthless.I told him this to,that I was not important enough for him to protect,to cherrish,to be faithful to.I still feel like he protects OW by not telling me the things I want to know and to this day he has never said one negative thing about her not one.

Some times I feel like it is taking me to long to get over this,Pumkin we all heal at a different pace and what is right for someone else may not be right for you or I and that is just fine.

I look forward to the day that I look at my H and do not see him as a cheater.I look forward to the day that I do not even think about what he did or how it hurt.I look forward to the day when I once again can say that I am truly happy.

Hi gingersnap.

I was glad to hear from you. I understand about you not telling your kids. Even though I don't have kids, I have chosen to keep this to myself (except for mc). I am still feeling ashamed, and have been trying to figure out why. I think it is because I don't want others to know that I have put up with this. I always said that I would never deal with a cheater, but when the time came, I just could not walk away like I thought I could. I am just so hurt. What hurts the most is the disrespect.

I am finding it weird to just go on with life like this never happened. I am finding that although h does seem truly sorry, I have been not allowing myself to enjoy his company because I feel he does not deserve that. I know that I am just spiting myself, but I can't help it. On the other hand, how am I supposed to work through this if I don't enjoy his company. I think this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and I don't think there is a total recovery for something like this.

You said you are looking forward to the day you can look at your h and not see a cheater. I feel the same way. Is it really possible that we can do this at some point?

The worst part for me is that lately, h seems to be on cloud 9. He is showing me a side of him that I didn't think existed. He is really making an effort, and I am angry that he is happy. I don't want him thinking that just because I gave him another chance, that does not mean I agree with what he did. Like you, I think I see a little bit of the "macho man" with another notch on his belt. I have this undying need to make him feel the way he made me feel.

I am really not looking forward to the holidays this year. I don't want to put on an act like everything is fine, when it isn't.

Are you presently seeing a MC? You sound very down. That is not a good thing. (I know, look who is talking, right).

Hope to hear from you soon.

Pumkin

HI Pumkin
Its been a few days since you wrote and I was wondering about you.
NO I do not go to MC,I live in a very small town and there are limited resources here.I do not trust alot of people here so I have had no councling and probably need it I don't know.

I am sorry if I sound down,that will not help you and I am suppose to be helping you right not bringing you down.

As for looking at our hubby's and not seeing a cheater,,,,I don't know but I am sure with time we will heal.Right now is just a bad time for me alot going on in my life and then dealing w/the one year mark since d-day knowing that a year ago he was more involved w/her than me and the kids it is all just so much to deal with.

But maybe this will help you just a bit when it comes to spending time and enjoying your hubby again.
I try to think of my life without my H in it,and I can't therefore I know that I must make the best of what I have because I think I would feel even worse if he was not here.Think of it that way and maybe it will ease your pain just a bit.

You are not alone and it is so very hard to deal with this but you are doing fine.

Take care and hope to hear from you soon.

Hi gingersnap.

No need to apologize about sounding down. That is what brought everyone here, right? I used to feel like you do regarding therapists. I didn't want to let others into my screwed up life. Believe me when I say that these people have seen and heard it all and nothing you say can surprise them. Taking the first step is very hard, but if / when you are ready to do so, you will. I have to say that if I wasn't already being treated for depression before this mess, I am sure I would have not been able to deal with this with an "open mind" so to speak.

If you don't want anyone in your small town to know, there are online therapists also. You can even use the one here, but you sound to me like you need some guidance from someone who is not directly involved in your nightmare. I hope I didn't offend you.

Anyway, thanks for the H advice. I guess if you look at it that way, it is a bit easier. I keep telling myself to take this one day at a time. Some days are better than others.

Keep me posted.

Pumkin

Pumpkin,

My heart goes out to you. My husband had a PA which we recovered from but have been suffering with ongoing EA's. Both bring a peculiar pain. Both are usually rife with lies - for me - most painful of all. The problem with a liar is you never know when they are telling the truth.

I hope at least the two of you are facing the truth, and hopefully you will again face it together and heal.

myrrh

Myrrh

Thanks so much for your thoughts. It is not easy, but I am trying to find a way to put this behind us and move on.

You are right about liars. That for me is the worst part too. I don't know how people survive this. It hurts.

pumkin