Well, for all my rantings and ravings on how I had decided to call it quits......for all my rationalizing...for all my denouncements of Pride....I couldn't walk the walk.

I was intent on telling my wife that there was no reason to live the illusion anymore.

I was ready to decide that my son could survive just as I have.

I was ready to fail.

And then...she looks at me and watching the tears fall becomes like watching the crucifixion. I hesitated and that was all it took.

In a flash all I could think of was that I didn't want to be without her. NOT that I didn't want to be alone...no...I didn't want to be without my wife.

And yet at the same time (and at this moment) I feel like this absolutely will NOT work. That our communication breakdown and her selfish nature do not allow for us to work through anything.

Maybe it is because of the holiday season. Maybe it is because my one year old woke up and we had to bring him out into the living room and it seemed we just couldn't end the conversation in front of him. Maybe I'm not ready to admit failure.

Whatever it is, or was, I brokedown....told her how much I love her (the truth) and that I never wanted her to go away (the truth) and that I wanted to be with her forever (a lie).

DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE?

I DON"T UNDERSTAND A DAMN BIT OF IT AND I FEEL LIKE A LOSER!!!!!!!!

What I want most is the ability to forgive and forget, but this seems impossible given her selfish nature.

now what?

Peter

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All is not lost
A new dawn is here
And I am alive by his Grace