It is frustrating to know your mate does not trust you. The knowledge can be quite painful. It is also, underneath the hurt, empowering. You know what is wrong, so now you can figure out how to fix it.
Trust is earned, as is credibility. It is not something freely given, no matter how much society tries to pretend that it is. Trust is earned by repeatedly telling verifiable truths. It is earned by not causing harm to another. It is earned when someone is always there to catch us when we fall. It is damaged when someone allows us to fall or, worse, is the cause of the tumble. It is damaged when untruths are detected. It makes us question what else has occurred. What else was dishonest? When else were you pushed and caused to stumble?
The answer to the loss of trust is to realize first that there is a reason for it. Second, you need to take responsibility for it. Third, you need to accept that it takes time to rebuild trust. Fourth, you need to behave in a trustworthy manner so as to actually rebuild the trust.
People come to me all the time complaining that their spouse doesn’t trust them. My answer is to repair their credibility and behave in a verifiably trustworthy manner. “He should just know I’m telling the truth.” No. Read The National Enquirer. Do you just know that any article in there is true? I hope not. The problem is credibility. Until you rebuild your own, you must rely on the credibility of other things that independently verify your truthfulness.
Spouses who have lost credibility make the mistake of trying to stand on it anyway. If you try to stand on a bridge that isn’t there, you are going to fall. Same thing happens when you try to stand on missing credibility. They also try to push it to be the problem of the spouse who doesn’t trust them. “She just has trust issues.” My answer is, “She has issues trusting you because you’ve taught her that trusting you leads to pain and/or humiliation. She shouldn’t trust you. Want trust? Earn it.”
Final analogy: trust isn’t like the lottery, where you get a lot for practically nothing. It’s more like a paycheck that has to be earned.
<small>[ November 26, 2003, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>
