Please help me, I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have 2 dd. I have never had anything concrete to tell me if he has been cheating on me but had (feelings that he had).

This week I took dd to othro and was going to make phone calls while she was in the office. I took our phone book from home to get a few numbers. As I was looking through the book I noticed on the back of it there was a 1800 number on it "eataway". I thought at first it was a resturant. But I dialed it just to see and it was a porno #!!! I couldn't believe it so it dialed it again and the same thing happened. My h has never exibited any interest in porn before. I haven't said anything to him about it but he knows something is wrong with me because I am so quiet.

We have not been close emotionally or physically. We go through periods where we are not inimate months at a time. I have had feelings that he is might be seeing someone else but I have always dismissed it because I am being petty and insecure. He is home everynight when he should be and is never late. But he travels around the city during the for his job and alot of time I don't know where he is at. He has a cell phone from his work that he alwasy plugged in the house, but now he recharges it out in his truck. If I could figure out how to use it I would do some investigating but I can't firgure it out. He recently has lost 30 lbs. and is taking more pride in his appearance.

I have also noticed that if we are out together (which isn't very often, he always walks away from me to talk with other people, and when I join in he then walks away!

He has always told me that he would never cheat on me because of the scar his parents' divorce cause him.

Am I being too critical? Please any advice will be welcomed!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. When I first suspected my husband of an affair, I didn't wait for confirmation. I knew our marriage was in trouble and I jumped into action. I found a marriage counselor and signed us up for Retrouvaille (retreat for at-risk marriages).

My husband did not deny he was involved with someone else (emotional affair at first), but would not tell me exactly what was going on. I knew at that moment what we were dealing with.

You will need to talk to your husband. Read everything you can on this site and post as often as you wish. There are lots of people with great advice here. I wish you well!

Thank you for replying. I am almost scared to confront him! Doesn't that sound crazy? I can't talk to him because he is so defensive and he gets quite angry very fast so it ends up that I am the one who is crazy or is insecure and naturally I get frustrated and just give up and walk away because he does not fight fair. He keeps asking me what is wrong with me and I just can't tell him. I wish I could find something concrete so I would have proof. Is there any suggestions that could help?

Thanks.

Read all that you can here about the Harley principles and begin Plan A immediately. It may be some time before you find out the truth. In addition, since this sounds like it could be sex addiction (porn), do some searches on that topic in JFO and Recovery and read. Patrick Carnes has excellent books on that subject. Prepare yourself, do your homework and put in the work so that you aren't as behind in the game as you would be had you not taken this very first step.

So sorry for your pain!

Just keep your eyes and ears open...this is sounding very familiar to me. What confused me was my h never yelled at me but all summer he was totally out of character, yelling, short, distant. Those particular things I took on myself as a fault with me..I now know it was guilt. The glibness, nasty flirting with everyone I knew...

He also was home when I was home or when I knew he would be home. Now I know he was out and about when I was working. July/Aug and Sept he refused sex several times and the two times I got him involved he faultered.

He also lost weight, started lifting weights again...

Beware.....

Hi, I read your post and wanted to respond. My H had an 2 month A last Dec.-Feb. (Yes, this is the month it began <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , but all is good now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) I noticed that some of the things you mentioned were similar to my circumstances. My H is a successful businessman who is also an alcoholic. (Thankfully many months of sobriety now) So, some of his actions were due to his alcoholism. He was at the apex of his drinking during the A. Anyhow, he too, started leaving his cell phone to charge in the truck, when he previously had always charged it inside. It ended up that this was the phone they used to make contact. (he had two phones) After finding out about the A, he gave me access to EVERYTHING and I was able to go online and see all of the calls they made to each other. So, is there any way you can get access to his phone account online? Mine had never even set his up, so I set it up myself. Maybe you could do this if he hasn't already. Another thing, you could sneak out at night (I know this sounds bad, but I'd rather know than to be taken for a fool) and check his call log...both incoming and outgoing. The best thing would be that you could get some peace of mind from finding nothing. The worst is that you would have info to confront him on and begin repairing your marriage.
You also stated that you found a porn number. Well, I found a porn website by looking on my computer history. He had started this prior to the affair and always said he wasn't doing it, but every so often I'd find it. He was just out of control and had lost all common sense.
We, too, had lost the intimacy in our marriage. I was disgusted by his drinking, but like your H, he always came home after work...never gave me anything to doubt. He would drink all evening at home (never drank during the day, nor did he go out)so I would go to bed and leave him to drink alone. I figured the lack of intimacy was because he was totally wasted and frankly I had no desire for him...had already told him I was leaving after the school year was up. So, for me, like you, the intimacy had been gone for quite a while and that didn't really tell me that he was involved in an affair. I did find out afterward that they always met for lunch (she was a coworker) and they would meet for about 30 minutes after work in a parking lot. (Classy, huh? But at least no hotels or visits to her home...she was divorced) It was mostly a phone affair. HOURS of calls, pretty unbelievable how high the bill was, but he would go out and call her after I went to sleep and first thing in the morning on the way to work. I just never put two and two together. Of course, until I woke up one night and heard him. That was the end of it all. It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to us. He finally realized that he had blown it and new that he had no choice but to become sober if he wanted to keep me. Our marriage is unbelievable now...like I had always dreamed of. Maybe that can give you a little comfort if you do find out something bad.
I sincerely hope that this is not going to be the case for you and your H, but it wouldn't hurt to just check things out. Have you just flat out asked if anything is going on with him? Myself, I have no problem with doing that. The way he may react could be a pretty good indicator.

I hope all goes well for you!
Faith

Thank you for all your replies. Faith, thank you for your reply. I have a couple of questions though, first, how can I check his cell phone online when I can't even figure out how to turn the thing on? It's a Nextel and it's confusing to me, can anyone help? I would love to be able to check the incoming and outgoing calls. This is a company phone also does this make a difference? I feel like I need to be detective and I don't know how! I have even thought about taking a day off (I am a church secretary) and follow him around. Has anyone gone this far?

Tonight he has been especially nice to me, coming up and giving me a hug and a kiss. He hasn't done that in weeks.

P.S. Where is plan A at on the website.

Thanks so much for your replies.

I'm glad to hear that he was being sweet tonight. Like I said, it may be nothing to worry about. Maybe he's just stressed or something, but it doesn't hurt to be safe if you're getting a "feeling" that all may not be well. My husband's main cell phone is a company phone, also Nextel. The problem with that is that if it's like his company, they get the invoices and pay the bill. You will not have access to the account because it is a company wide account. But, a Nextel phone is easy to check on. Just turn the phone on and there should be something on the screen that says "phonebook" (may be an abbreviation like phbk) or "menu". My husband's has a little picture like a piece of paper at the bottom of the screen right in the center. If you push the little button below it it will give me a new screen that says "recent calls" at the top. It shows incoming and outgoing calls with the phone number or name of person. The little arrow beside it will point to the right if he made the call or to the left if the call was received. You can choose "view" for each number and it will tell you time, length of call, name of person, etc.
Now on the same screen that said "recent calls" you can scroll down to "messages". Select this and you can see if he has any voice mail messages and text messages.
It sounds good that he is being affectionate. Probably wouldn't be if he was involved with someone else. Have you thought of just sitting down and telling him you feel like something is awkward between the two of you...not mentioning your suspicions? Is he very open to talking? Maybe he is having issues at work and hasn't shared them? Maybe worried about something?
One other thing you can try. I never did this, but was tempted at the beginning of our recovery: go purchase an inexpensive voice activated recorder and put underneath his car seat. I have read of some posts where they have found out by doing this, or at least verified their suspicions. They velcroed it to the underneath of the seat.
I know you must be scared. Your thoughts are probably all over the place from one minute to the next. My advice is to try to talk with him. It may put your fears to rest.

God Bless!
Faith

You probably cannot check the cell phone records online if it is a company phone but you can still learn how to retrieve information. Find out the phone mfg and model and go into a store and ask one of the clerks. You can act like you want to buy one but want to check out the features first. Ask them to show you how to look at incoming and outgoing calls, how to retrieve voice mail, text messages, etc.. Then check his phone and write down all the numbers. You can then check them out later. If they are home phone numbers, you can look them up in the online white pages and get the name and address of that person.

My FWH didn't go out at night or travel out of town. During his first PA he left the house at the same time every morning and was back home before I got home from work. Found out he was seeing OW mostly before work and sometimes after work at least once/week. She was a coworker so they could spend breaks/lunches together during the day.

During his second PA he started going to work early some mornings but not often enough to make me suspicious. She was also a coworker and they spent breaks/lunches together, and sometimes met for a few minutes after work in her car to make-out. The mornings he left early he was going to her house before work. I also found out he was taking some afternoons off to be with her. For me, there was nothing suspicious about his comings and goings because he was always here when I got home from work.

One thing I did notice was his behavior regarding his cell phone. The first thing he did when he got into his truck was to check his cell phone. This is not a business phone and no one should be calling him but me or our sons so I thought that was strange. I was right, OW was calling him almost daily.

You have reason to be suspicious. Go with it because your gut is usually right.