THis is what I posted on the pregnant/child thread a week ago. IN that short time some of it has changed....memories are improving or he can't believe I haven't killed him yet...probably because I have the gun safe, but he has both keys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Since I posted this....the story has now changed to them having sex one more time after the oc was born but of course he can't remember when. He also admitted to giving her money and seeing her two weeks ago. I'm inclinded to believe he was still sleeping with her and won't admit it. He says he wants to reconcile and understands he will have to take the steps to do it (a common theme in our marriage...I do everything for him), but of course right now he's all words and no action. It's killing me... I realized today that I have to let him go.. take the pressure off. Reasure him that he can decide to not stay married. I'm scared that's what he's going to choose, but I don't want to work and fight for a marriage that is one-sided. Anyways here is my story:

I found out Sunday, that my husband of
10 years had an affair. It started around my 7th anniversary and lasted for a
year (if that part of his story is true). It lasted through a separation,
through marriage counseling (my original goal was to get help to leave him) and a reconciliation and according to him it
basically ended when he found out she was pregnant (shortly after the counseling started, he can't remember when). But apparently he kept in
touch with her (this entire time) and according to him, the baby is most likely his (I can't understand his certainty if they only slept together 4-5 times as he claims). I am devastated. I have worked
so hard on my marriage. I have forgiven an internet porn addiction and A LOT
of lies. I even suspected an affair and convinced myself I was wrong. But I
was right. The worst part is I had relaxed. I had hope my marriage was
working, I even went off the pill two weeks ago because I thought my marriage was ready for us to start a family. And wham,
while looking for a receipt in his car Sunday, I found a birthday present to "My
dad, from Juanantonio". I didn't understand it at first, but it clicked when I
remembered seeing a picture of his friend from his last job with a baby. He
gave me an excuse for having it (the picture) and I believed him. I feel like such a fool
now. All of the signs were there and I just wasn't ready to see them.
Besides the unending pain, the hardest part is not knowing what to do. I kicked him out on Sunday, but I want to know what he's doing. I'm insisting on a paternity test, I want him to see a counselor, but I've told him for years the ONLY possible outcome to something like this would be a divorce. But I'm not sure. I still love him. BUT I don't think I could live with him having a child. I think I could get over the affair, but a child would be a constant reminder. I am very confused right now. I've realized that I am not in any frame of mind to decide anything. I've got his assurance (for what it's worth) that while a divorce is pending he will not do anything to harm his future or to cause me more harm. So I'm going to try to cut my contact with him for a few days (we've been in email contact about the practicle side of separating and I've sent him info on paternity tests and on counseling AND one huge no no....an email with all of the torture questions I have about the affair...you now...did he initiate the sex, did he enjoy it, was she better than me, did he do things with her that he did with me...I need to believe it was emotionless and guilt ridden sex. I can't believe that he enjoyed it. It just hurts too much). I'm going to check out websites on surving the affair and on surviving a divorce (a thought that scares me to death...I'm 34 1/2, I want to be married and having babies....not dating). I'm determined to not decide anything until at least January 1, but even that is hard. I am not what a consider a weak person, but I can't seem to control anything right now (and I'm a control freak, part of the problem).

My family and friends are trying so hard to help, but they don't understand and I'm starting to feel like a burden. I'm so needy right now, especially with the holidays rapidly approaching. Can anyone suggest anything that will help me be patient with getting some kind of resolution. I hate not knowing what to do.

Lori

I just noticed your post but I have to leave right now for an appointment. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Fridays are USUALLY slow, and weekends often are too.

I'll try and get back - later.

Please know we care.

SS

Hi Lori,

We are both happy and sad to welcome a new member. Sad that you have to be here, but happy that you found help.

I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine, that things will work out, but we don't know yet, do we?

This is mostly a site devoted to making marriages work. You can just walk away if you wish, and I wouldn't blame you, but you sound like you want to find a way to stick around and make it work.

If you can find it in your heart to stay and work on your marriage, I think you can get a great deal of help here.

If you have been here a week or more, you have probably read a great deal already. There is much to learn, and I recommend you spend lots of time reading here, and get some books also. Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her needs, and Lover Busters. If you can spend some of the anger and hurt you have studying, it will help you get through some of the worst feelings and get to the place emotionally where you can see more clearly what to do.

Usually there are feelings of anger, and hurt, and pain, and we often want to get back at them for causing these emotions inside of us. If you want to save your marriage, then what is needed is forgiveness, charity, and love, so there is much work to be done.

Even though there is no excuse for having an affair, there may have been things you did that contributed to the state of your marriage pre A. You should be able to learn what those things were and fix them to create a stronger marriage and a better marriage than you have ever had.

Anyway, to start, please get the books, and start the reading. You need a starting point, and that is probably the best place to begin.

After you gain a better understanding then you can begin to address what to do about things. Realy, it is your H that should be doing the work, but he is like an addict. They know they need help, but are seldom strong enough to get it on their own. If you want your marriage to work, you will proabably have to do most of the work at first.

Emotionally, many have a very hard time - so hard in fact that it is often hard to function. It is difficult to go to work, or to do almost any normal task. If you fit this description then see your doctor about anti depression meds. It helps a great deal for most, and will help you be able to see much better where you want to go without those terrible feelings of dread hanging over you all the time.

I also suggest getting counselig. The Harley's (this web site) are very good at this, and I recommend them, but please find someone you can talk to - even if it is a clergy person. Those of us that try to help here are just fellow travelers and we can give support and advice, but we are not professionals and there is much to be said for getting someone that is really good at this to help you.

Remember we help when we can, but we have to work and clean house and everything too, so we get back when we are able to. Please tell us how you are doing, so we won't worry. I can see from the gun safe comments you have a good sense of humor, and that helps. I have to think that if you can crack a joke about it, you will get through this OK, but let us know.

SS

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thank you so much for the response. I am holding my own right now. I am off from work for the next two weeks and I already have my list of keeping busy activities. I do want to save my marriage, but I'm not sure he does. I have opened the door, but he has to walk through it. I am seeing a counselor (the one we saw for 1 1/2 years while he lied to her and me about the affair). She seems to think, I have to take a step back and get out of the way. She thinks it will be way to easy for me to fix this for him and him to let me. That is the pattern of our marriage. He tells me what I want to hear to keep the peace. Right now he is saying he wants to reconcile but has done nothing about it. He calls and emails, but he's still not telling the whole truth, he still hasn't made a counseling apt, still no paternity test, still no legal consultation. And he has told his sister he won't give my house key back (I asked for it to have some peace for a bit...I'm so un-nerved and feel so violated that I don't want him here with out my knowledge. I work days and he works nights, so there is ample opportunity. He has agreed not to come over, but I have no reason to take his word right now.). I'm anticipating a call from him about the key and I will let him keep it, but explain why I wanted it. I also intend to tell him he is free to go. That if he is saying he wants to work on it out of guilt or not wanting to hurt me, then I don't want that. I only want him to stay if he really sees a chance for us to make a life together. It's really quite scary. I've controlled him most of our life (because he let me) and I am afraid he may run. But I know the only way to have him fully present in my life is to let him go. Pray that I have the strength to hear and respect his answer and the patience to wait for it to change. I intend to buy the books (but right now $$$ may be an issue, so I will check my library). I just am guarded against doing too much of the work for him.

Thanks again for responding. I need all the help and support I can get right now (especially losing my work support network right now....I am so lonely even with my family around. I want him home now, but know I can't appear desparate).

Blessings!
Lori

I am holding my own right now. I am off from work for the next two weeks and I already have my list of keeping busy activities.

I am glad you are doing this well. You seem stronger than many that first come here. You may not agree with that but it gives me lots of faith in you and your ability to cope.

I do want to save my marriage, but I'm not sure he does. I have opened the door, but he has to walk through it.

It is well to think of him as addict. Remember that at some point they have to want help, but what you do can really affect their desire. You can have an affect on him wanting to save things if you can develope a good plan and work it well. That is where the books come in. Reading will give you a better understanding on what happened and how to proceed from here. In marrage recovery knowledge really is power.

I am seeing a counselor (the one we saw for 1 1/2 years while he lied to her and me about the affair). She seems to think, I have to take a step back and get out of the way. She thinks it will be way to easy for me to fix this for him and him to let me. That is the pattern of our marriage. He tells me what I want to hear to keep the peace. Right now he is saying he wants to reconcile but has done nothing about it. He calls and emails, but he's still not telling the whole truth, he still hasn't made a counseling apt, still no paternity test, still no legal consultation.

Judge by what he does, not what he says. There will come a point where you will let him alone to see if he will come, but early on, try to meet his needs with no expectation of results. If you have read about plans A, and B, this is plan A. It does not mean you do anything he wants, or that you are a doormat for him. There have to be consenquences for his actions, but you want to look good right now. There is much written here about plan A, I'll let you find it and read it, but come back and ask questions.


And he has told his sister he won't give my house key back (I asked for it to have some peace for a bit...I'm so un-nerved and feel so violated that I don't want him here with out my knowledge. I work days and he works nights, so there is ample opportunity. He has agreed not to come over, but I have no reason to take his word right now.)

Be nice about it, tell him you are afraid of him, and want the key, but don't threaten or press him. IF he won't give it to you, simply change the locks. It doesn't cost much now days, and peace of mind is worth a lot.


I also intend to tell him he is free to go. That if he is saying he wants to work on it out of guilt or not wanting to hurt me, then I don't want that. I only want him to stay if he really sees a chance for us to make a life together. It's really quite scary. I've controlled him most of our life (because he let me) and I am afraid he may run. But I know the only way to have him fully present in my life is to let him go.

There is a good link here about something you can say to him - look at the post by starfish next to last on the page.

Starfish on letting go


Pray that I have the strength to hear and respect his answer and the patience to wait for it to change. I intend to buy the books (but right now $$$ may be an issue, so I will check my library). I just am guarded against doing too much of the work for him.

I'll pray for both of you. Once you read SAA you will understand much more of what I am suggesting you do. The library is a good place to start.

Thanks again for responding. I need all the help and support I can get right now (especially losing my work support network right now....I am so lonely even with my family around. I want him home now, but know I can't appear desparate).


Those feelings will be with you for quite a while, but they don't have to run your life. You will get through this, and you can do well even in the midst of the trouble.

All the best -

SS

Went to the counselor again today. She is sticking to her line that he has been a liar his whole life. She doesn't think he will change. I don't want to believe her, but I don't want to keep letting him hurt me. She did say she believes the A is continuing even though he says it is over. She suggested calling the OW (I can't do that yet, I'm afraid she will tell me things I don't want to hear yet)or hiring a PI. Most people around me are telling me to leave or he will keep hurting me. They tell me he isn't dealing with life and never has and that he will continue to take the easy way out. I even mentioned the successes on this site and she told me that my h was different. How do I decide to walk away? How do I live with my feelings for him and my fear of life without him? Is it even worth giving a try or is she right, he's not going to change and I need to move on? Or do I need to find another counselor? She saw us during the affair and he lied to her the entire time. Is she biased? She is a Christian counselor and believes he is living with a deep sin of deceit. She got her LPC license while we were seeing her (so I question her experience level). My mother is a Graduate counseling student and she keeps telling me to leave too. Then there is my heart (and Obsessive Comulsive disorder---not clinical....just bad enough to make this state of limbo unbearable),it wants him home and now (AND God forbid, I want him to make love to me....it's been 3 years of very little anything and now that I know why, I want it MORE...there must be something wrong with me). How do I wait to see what should happen and how do you decide to actually work on something like this if everyone believes that your h is a liar and will always be a liar? If I can't trust him, what am I hanging onto?

Lori

Lori,

I cann't offer much help to you, but I will keep you in my prayers. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Ilove my wife and will rejoice the day she recommints to our marriage.

Most people around me are telling me to leave or he will keep hurting me.

Those close to you want to protect you. They want you to have freedom from the pain he is causing/ has caused.

They may see things you don't see. It is impossible for those of us typing to you to have a good feel for what he is like after so short a time. I do think you need to consider what your loved ones are saying. You need to consider everything, but by now you may have more background information than the others and may be better able to see what the truth is. That is a hard one to call.


They tell me he isn't dealing with life and never has and that he will continue to take the easy way out. I even mentioned the successes on this site and she told me that my h was different. How do I decide to walk away? How do I live with my feelings for him and my fear of life without him? Is it even worth giving a try or is she right, he's not going to change and I need to move on?

Again, we just don't know. You can tell if he is serious about your marriage by his actions, but their may be some regression. He may fall off the wagon sometimes. You are going to have to list all the pro's and con's and see what that shows. I don't think you can do it right without a lot of study and soul searching but you also need the facts, and making a pro and con list will help with that.

Or do I need to find another counselor? She saw us during the affair and he lied to her the entire time. Is she biased? She is a Christian counselor and believes he is living with a deep sin of deceit. She got her LPC license while we were seeing her (so I question her experience level).

I have a hard time with counselors that tell you to quit. If she worked with him a long time though, and never saw any improvement, she would be trying to save you lots of heartache and pain. I am not qualified to tell you what to do, so we may not be much help with this except to encourage you to study it out so you know.

Then there is my heart (and Obsessive Compulsive disorder---not clinical....just bad enough to make this state of limbo unbearable),it wants him home and now (AND God forbid, I want him to make love to me....it's been 3 years of very little anything and now that I know why, I want it MORE...there must be something wrong with me).

I don't think there is something wrong with you. You want to know he wants you. That's one way you feel wanted and needed. Remember that it will bring you close, but we want him close too. We don't want you feeling closer and more vulnerable and have him not caring.


How do I wait to see what should happen and how do you decide to actually work on something like this if everyone believes that your h is a liar and will always be a liar? If I can't trust him, what am I hanging onto?

You want to know you did all you could - and it sounds like you don't know that yet. To start, you lay it all out for him. Tell him what you need. He opens his life, he keeps a schedule, he gives you passwords, closes non needed accounts. Shows his phone log. He commits to meet your needs, and he commits to being honest. Then he begins to do that daily, and weekly. If he refuses, if he balks, or won't work with you, you know where you stand.

There has to be some give and take, you don't want him feeling chained, but if he doesn't want to do those things most of the time he isn't being truthful about wanting it to work.

In other words, you make a recovery plan, listing the things you need to stay and work on it, and see if he is willing to do them. Give him a chance to SHOW he wants things to work, not just say it.

I hope you can have a good evening tonight, and a good day tomorrow despite the problems. I know that any words of mine can't make things better or heal your hurt, but I care and will be praying for you.

SS

Thank you so much for the reply...I've posted an update under General Questions..."What to do???". It amazes me how much can change in a day or two. I told someone the first week that I needed to wear one of those magnet signs for my mood...Right now I'm Hopeful...but check back in five minutes I may be mad...in another five minutes sad...At least now my moods are lasting hours and not minutes.

This place is helping a lot.

Blessings!
Lori

I have had the same mood swings. I have always been a happy postive person until now. I guess it's just part of what everyone refers to as the "rollercoaster".

Lori

I want to give you major hugs right now because I understand what I read of your post too well. I'm in no position to advise you as I'm a mess myself right now, but I've just been trying to suck up all the pain as if I'm a sponge, get as low as it is possible to get, and thenr ealise I'm still here and I'm coping.

I really hope you realise from this how strong you are.