Hello, 1st let me say I am so glad I found this site. It is REALLY nice to know that your not crazy, and others have experienced the same thing.
My wife of 14 years has for the last 2 years been in an internet affair. I nailed her about a year ago. she claims that I was over reacting, evil for snooping and violating her privacy, that I was insane & if it actually occured it would be my fault She agreed @ that time to back off to just innocent chat with all). Well I continued to snoop and finally on Dec 14th of this year she slipped. I gained access to her "secret" yahoo account and while there was no sexual letters there was major lovey dovey junk flowing thick & her letting OM know that as soon as she was divorced they could meet.
Being the calm cool man I am (NOT) I did what I think was a BAD thing. waited till midnight and pounced on her with the evidence in anger. She stated basically that our 17 years was done, she did not love me and the OM while present has nothing to do with it. I told her fine & walked out of the room.
After calming down I told her this would go three ways 1
stay married for kids, I personally would live in hell for my kids so this is an option and I feel staying married is in their best interests.
2 we could go to a councelor and work on our issues and this would lead to either staying married and having a real relationship or divorce.
3 divorce without trying to work it out, just walk away, if this occurs without counceling & effort first I did insinuate that since I have better legal resources I would do everything I could to leave her with as little as possible.
I also pointed out that as far as I was concerned divorce was nothing but total destruction (sepecially for kids). That it was running away and not faceing the problem.
I waited a few days and then emailed he telling her my current state (still being totally in love with her while at the very same second barely able to touch her I am so angry)
So now she does not say she does not want a divorce but she did send an email at my request cutting ties with her online OM (at least she says that what it said. I never read it) I set an appt with a counselor she is willing to go. In my email I told her that after 17 years of always being the one reaching out I was tired of it. she then reached out a bit to me.
While she has not said she wishes to work on marriage & not divorce she is making strides in that direction. I printed out bunches of materials from this web site and gave it to her last night. I told her I think this is what we need to do in order to continue towards a happy ending. She says she will read everything then do questionaires. I did point out the policy of radical honesty (she has always struggled with opening herself in all things) I told her that while it may be hard we must follow that rule. (she put materials aside after I pointed this out and did not pick em up again as of this morning) I am 99.99 there is much more to the story and I supect it goes back at least 4 - 5 years. (I mean why do you keep a business card of some guy (with his home #)for 5 years when you no longer work with them. (and you don't keep any others "for professional reasons")
I sincerly hope she is willing to work through things honestly (even if we don't make it) I would love to know the truth (either I really am overly jealous twit or I do have very sharp instincts) either way it will be a massive releif.
I know that I am as resposible for the state of our marriage as she. I now look back and see how I allowed and in some instances pushed us in this direction. So now that I have rambled on and on let me say thanks to all for showing me that I am not alone and I also hope that by using what I have learned here we can rebuild our marriage
Thanks again,

Hi VOTN

Looks to me like you have a pretty good handle on things. You may have LB'd a little with your initial reaction but I would think thats forgivable granted you just found out. Remember, you forced the issue, so that likely is/will be "control" issue, just something to be wary of in the future. Sounds like you and I are a little alike in our mindsets. I wouldn't be one to wait around for my W to decide what she wanted, but I would (was) also aware my "control" could push her away. (My reaction back then was "if so, so be it").

It's very early on for you. Work hard, do whatever you have to in order to be patient without being a door mat. Stay pro-active. Listen to your counselors, don't give up! Work for the better, and brace for the worst (truth may not all be out yet).

In the end, it's survivable however bad it is.

M.

VOTN-
Lat month I discovered that my WS has had two A's which she started with internet "friends". They started as online romance, ie., cybersex, but developed into physical relationships in reality. At first, I had little leverage proving that I WOULD know whether or not she ended the affair and stayed faithful. Then I realized that she was facilitating this stuff using MY (our) computer. I installed keystroke monitoring software, similar to what parents use to track computer usage by children. See http://www.spectorsoft.com/

Armed with this tool, I have been able to force her to realize that I will find out if she continues contact with the OM, and that I fully intend to go to Plan B if that happens. This forced her to quit straddling the fence! Luckily, she picked Recovery, and cut off contact. I am confident of that because I have technology tools helping shine a bright light on what was happening behind my back. Of course, there are lots of legal issues to consider!

Best of LUCK!

VOTN,
I am a victim of the net as well....and I can tell you it totally sucks. ESPECIALLY if you have a spouse that is prone to addiction. Mine was and in fact, the Internet was a way to act out his Sex Addiction.

The best thing that happened to us was NO MORE COMPUTER. He took a job that was out of the computer field and in the actual outdoors. There are still many ways to make contact (i.e. cell phones). He changed his cell phone number and I have full access to the calls. It took us a LONG time and many slips before finally getting to where we are now. It even took me ready to Plan B and even preparing for Divorce.

I wish you the best of luck. Honesty is really hard for addicts. Following Dr. Harley's principles is a great way to start. Buy Surviving An Affair, very good book for both of you. Also, she should show you the NC letter if you feel that she really didn't send it. That was the key to our success and it actually took 4 of them before he finally sent one for real.

The Internet is an addiction of it's own because you can escape to a world that is complete fantasy and you are filled with feelings that are NOT real, but you think they are. I did much of that after my first Divorce. Once I learned how to get on the Net, I got alot of attention that way. Once I met my H now, I had no reason to be on it, but just like alcohol, it can be hard to break the habit.

Good luck and God Bless!

Thanks for the advice and support. I unfortunatly am in the computer business and so the beasty cannot leave my house. Having said that I think the addiction part can be overcome by simply using only for work. I plan tonight to sit down with her and go over fully plan A (She has come to the sight and has been reading) I am sure there is more, my gut tells me there is. I will keep all informed on how it goes.
Man I tell ya I don't know what could possibly suck worse then this
VOTN

VOTN-
If you are in the computer business, then you know that you can put software in place on your PC to control/record how she uses/abuses your computer. Don't TRUST.....or like Pres. Reagan said: "Trust but VERIFY"

Yes all. I know about spy software and I am sorry for not mentioning, I did install some, several years ago in fact. thats how I caught her 1st time, then she moved it to work. @ this time she was chatting on pogo so I set up a few accounts and watched her when she was @ work, caught her a bit more (through all of this she screamed about what an evil spying scum I was who did not respect her privacy) She then did as I suspected she would started coversing via yahoo email from work, I waited, it took about a year but she logged into this account once from home by mistake and this is when I had the proof
VOTN

Through all the problems with your wife have you ever got to the point of hitting her? I know you had to be hurting so bad it was unbearable at times. I need to know how bad the anger is. Maybe it will help me to overcome somethings in my marriage. Thanks

I have never hit my wife, not that I have not had the urge it's just that physical violence is unacceptable. I should mention I have 17 years in AA Recovery from addiction is a matter of
1. admitting the addiction, realizeing that you cannot beat it yourself
2. ask for help
3. make the changes in your life that caused you to turn to booze, drugs whatever.

Having lived with this self review now for 17 years makes it much easier to look at how I "feel" like responding to a given situation, making a concerted effort to not respond in a ill manner and move foward. Now don't get me wrong I am no angel. I have yelled threw items against the wall and generally been a jerk. but amazingly not in this situation (the internet affair(this time around, two years ago bad response, yelling attacks (non physical) etc) and I have never allowed myself to rage to the point of physical violence on another person. when I really feel it comming on and I am concerned I may loose control physically I leave for a bit. I have also found that I stop and look at my contribution to the entire situation, What did I do to bring us to this point? Knowing where I have failed in this marriage and in my relationship helps me temper my rage. I am not responible at all for my wife having an internet affair and chooseing the path she chose. I am however responsible a plenty for my love busting failings that have allowed the situation to come about (she is also responsible, but I have no control over anything but my failings) I will say a pray for you & your wife please say one for us too
VOTN

Good luck to you V. Since you are a recovering addict, you know what it takes to be in this for the long haul. But as you know, she has to be willing to admit it and seek the help that she deserves.

Good luck and God Bless!

I'm so sorry for what your having to deal with right now.I have also been a victim of the net.My husband of 18 years has stared many affairs through chat.One he flew to OH to meet her.Left me and our 3 daughters.He has them call our home phone and his cell phone which I'm not allowed to answer.He locks his computer now everytime he's not on it which is 24/7.I don't know what happend to us.I even asked him what he wasn't getting in our relationship.He said "you give me everything""friendship,love,sex whenever,ect."He said he wasn't "in love with me anymore"but he loves me.The OH affair ended after his second visit(she went back to her husband).He cried in my arms.He'd sit for hours at the computer and play all their love songs.When I look back now what a nightmare I've been living.All this just happened 2 months ago.Since then he's had at least 4 other women he's chatted continually with.They don't know he's married.I have proof that he tells them he's divorced,able to buy them anything they want(he's been unemployed for many years)I'm supporting the 5 of us.My children know everything,they hate it.He doesn't let them on the computer anymore at all. I'm sorry I'm telling you all this but your situation sounds so much like what I've lived like the past 2 years now.The only difference is you still have faith and hope,I don't anymore,he's put me through too much abuse with this situation and he's continually lying to me.I truely hope your wife can really look at herself and see what she has before it's too late.It's a shame that the doubt of trust has been entered into your relationship.Please for your own protection and your marriage keep checking.My husbands fully blown addicted to the chat.He hosts a music chat room so it's constantly on and he's constantly chatting and meeting different people which I never had a problem with but he's made it something different now.Please have your wife talk to a counselor for herself and you your self and together for the both of you.I sincerely hope your able to make it especially when you've been together for so long.God Bless You.At least she's showing some interest in making it work??My husband would rather live in a different house.I don't know why.He's told me time and time again it's not me.I can't figure out what went wrong and why he doesn't want to help our situation.It hurts.Anyway take care of yourself and I wish you all the luck in the world......Thank you for allowing me to vent also,sorry....Mand
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