Hello. I'm brand new. I just found out that my husband is having an affair w/ a 22 yr old who still lives w/ her parents. I don't know if she knows that he's married.

We've been together 5 years. In April of this year we bought a house and got married, and we were planning to start a family this year. I just turned 33 and he's 35+.

When I confronted him, he wouldn't openly admit anything, but said that I deserved anything he did because I didn't give him enough love and attention (we both work full time, but I think this is just an excuse). His mother has terminal cancer, and lately he's been acting like a bratty teenager - going out, getting drunk all the time, not doing things around the house, putting Rogaine everywhere (he still has all his hair - I don't get it??) and wanting to buy "the same car he had in high school" - it's like he's having an early midlife crisis w/ the young girl and everything.

My husband said that he doesn't want to break up, but he won't grovel or do anything to earn my forgiveness. (??!!) I can't believe how mean he is being. I am also completely and totally devastated by this - the thought of him being w/ this other woman makes me sick to my stomach (literally) and I can't stop crying. I also think about all the lies and how (really) unkind he has been to me lately - that alone was shocking and heartbreaking enough. He is almost to the point of being cruel - actually sometimes he really is.

I have no idea what to do. He seems to have no remorse and he refuses to leave the house even though I know he is still seeing her. He said that maybe I should move out and we should divorce because "we don't trust each other." ??!! I think he is in love with her.

Please, please tell me what to do. Should I just distance myself and avoid him for a while? Should I get more proof and then confront him again and ask him to leave while he decides?

Dear cmj,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm so happy that you found this place however. You will find a lot of support and advice.

First of all, your H is blaming you because he can't face himself yet. He's in an altered emotional and mental state. He's trying desperately to lash out at every one and everything around him except the blessed OW. Why does this happen? I'm not sure, but the answers probably vary with different situations.

He might even be lashing out about his mother dying, but rather than face that head on he's having an affair. He might feel that the people you love die or abandon you so don't hold on to them too tight...don't give them your all. He might in some strange way be afraid that you are going to leave him too, that it's inevitable so he'd might as well find a partner before you do. I know this all sounds crazy, but trust me, WS's are a bit crazy and have to be to do what they do.

For right now, just read this website. Read and read and read. Get the books that people suggest and read those too. Don't make any decisions about the marriage for now...just allow it to be in the state that it is in until you are ready to make decisions. That will probably be at least 6 months down the road. In the mean time, just hang in there and educate yourself. Amazon.com is a wonderful resource for books at a discounted price and they deliver them to your door...free shipping even on orders over $25. You don't even have to get dressed and go to the bookstore.

Survive right now...just survive. Take care of yourself. Do you have any close friend that you can talk to? Do that if you can. Tell your H that you love him and want to be with him, but that his actions have deeply wounded you and that you need to take care of yourself right now.

I'm so sorry.

Stillwed

Tell her parents. Contact herand tell her you love your husband, his relationship with her is damaging your efforts to fix your marriage, and you would appreciate it if she would cease all contact with him. She may laugh in your face, but it is important to send that message. If she does know he is married, he probably has depicted you as unconcerned about him and/or your marriage. Popping that bubble will introduce conflict into their relationship. Beyond that: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you for all the advice. I've been reading like crazy and I scheduled a counseling session for Mon morning. I am trying to avoid any relationship conversations until then, but I would love to get ADVICE/thoughts/opinions on my situation today as we are still living together!

The last couple of weeks and the last few days my husband has fluctuated between wanting to stay and wanting to leave. He won't admit to anything in particular, and although I have a good amount of evidence, I don't actually have a "picture" or an email or something proving the physical side of the relationship. It is obvious to everyone who looks at the evidence (it's serious evidence, but not hard proof) that he is having an affiar, but I'm afraid he will deny it and I'll look foolish.

Here's my question: Do I wait until I have hard, indisputable proof to confront everyone?? Or do I go ahead and confront w/ the evidence I have now??

Also, how do I respond to my husband's back & forth about wanting to be with me and then not. I think he changes his mind each time he talks to her, so I'm anxious to get the affair into the light of day. The waiting is unbearable.

Help!!

Plan A is how you respond. Other than that, read "Surviving an Affair" yourself (you can read it again later with him). It will help you understand what is going on in his head. He is conforming to the WS "script". If you hang around here long enough, you will see the same behavior and actions over and over. Changing his mind each time he talks to her is one of the most common things, as is denial that an Emotional Affair is serious - or contending that it is "not physical" or "only physical" or some similar wording.

As for confronting: Notice the wording of what I said - "your relationship w/ my H is damaging my efforts at restoring my marriage". Those words were chosen very carefully - they do not accuse her of having an affair w/ your H, nor do they accuse your H. Evidence is irrelevant to that statement. So, your decision to provide it is up to you. Sorry I can't be more help.

First congratulations for coming this far. You are stronger than you ever expected, remind yourself of that whenever you get low.

As for H wanting to be with you and then her, this is really your choice as to dealing with it. I would say you need to make the decision for him and distance yourself from him right now so he can see the reality of what he is doing. But that's something you can't do until you realise the extent of your own strength and are ready.

I wish you luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hello. I'm brand new. I just found out that my husband is having an affair w/ a 22 yr old who still lives w/ her parents. I don't know if she knows that he's married.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What a perfect time to enlighten both her and her parents!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I confronted him, he wouldn't openly admit anything, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They never do at first. It would shock me to hear that he had.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but said that I deserved anything he did because I didn't give him enough love and attention (we both work full time, but I think this is just an excuse).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, please read up on the Love Bank and Emotional Needs. His poor decision to go outside the marriage to have his ENs met is his responsiblity alone. You do, however, bear responsibility for not meeting his ENs and the deterioration of the marriage.

Your assumption that this is just an excuse is a Love Buster (also read up on these) called a Disrespectful Judgment. Only your H knows how well you meet his ENs, and if he says they are not being met - they aren't. He is the final authority on his own needs, just as you are on yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it's like he's having an early midlife crisis w/ the young girl and everything.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband said that he doesn't want to break up, but he won't grovel or do anything to earn my forgiveness. (??!!) I can't believe how mean he is being. I am also completely and totally devastated by this - the thought of him being w/ this other woman makes me sick to my stomach (literally) and I can't stop crying.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get the book "Surviving An Affair" NOW and read it cover to cover.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think he is in love with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please read Cerri's concept thread. There is so much in there that can help you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please, please tell me what to do. Should I just distance myself and avoid him for a while? Should I get more proof and then confront him again and ask him to leave while he decides?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to get into a good Plan A, to which I referred in my first comments.

A good plan a is to eliminate all LBs, confront your H and tell him what you know and how you know it, expose the affair (there is a letter that does this and it isn't vindictive or mean) to friends, family, the OP, OP's spouse (in this case, I advocate parents), anyone who can have influence to end the affair. You also need to begin respectfully negotiating the end of the affair and commitment to marital recovery.

Your marriage cannot recover while the affair continues.

Any questions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The worst has happened. I did the gentle confrontation w/ both my husband and his girlfriend and my husband is now furious with me. In the confrontation, the girlfriend was politely told that her parents would be informed (she still lives at home).

My H keeps calling me & telling me that I'm a horrible person for doing this, that he never wants to speak with me again, that he's filing for divorce and he's glad he won't be with someone who could do something like this. He said he wanted to work things out with us, but now he's glad that we will never be together and he can't wait to get me out of his life.

How am I the horrible person?? All I did was let them know that I know, and I did it acording to the MB recommendations - I even had a counseling session ahead of time to make sure I was doing the right thing.

My husband wasn't even sorry in the least. He seems almost proud of it.

I think this has caused our marriage to be over completely. I thought that this would help things, but it's all fallen apart now and somehow I'm the one feeling bad even though he's the one lying and having an affair.

Please, help me. Should I stop talking to him? Should I stay at a friend's house tonight? I think he is with her and may even bring her to our house tonight. I have no idea what to do next.

Hi cmj,

I'm sorry you have to go through this.Listen,hangin there.Most likely your husband is just bluffing and is mad because you are attempting to expose his affair to the light of day and like a vampire,he is rebelling against that light bigtime.

Remember this,you are not in the wrong here.Wayward spouses rarely if ever feel remorse when the affair is happening so don't count on that.Try as hard as you can to stay calm and don't yell at him even though you may want to.Keep your dignity and respect as much as is humanly possible.He will continue to look at your words and actions to jump on the chance to bail because "it's all your fault".He will be grasping at straws.

Continue to read and do a Plan A for now as much as you can but trust your judgement too and if you feel threatened in any way,leave the house and go to a family members or friends house.If he should bring the other woman to the house,only you can decide if it is the time and place to confront them both.Again if you feel threatened,let that discussion happen another time when tempers are more reserved.

Things are going to get more ugly before ANY type of reconciling could occur and right now we don't know if that's going to happen but you have to hold on tight and brace yourself for a wild ride.It won't be easy but stay true to yourself and keep coming back here to post.We are here to support you.

O

cmj
IMO I think he is lashing out at you because he knows what he has done is hideous and he has to find fault with things that you do to make himself seem not so bad, or to validate what he has done. They do have a tendancy to try and turn things back on us, the BS, to ease their guilt. It is hard to see this when we are in the middle of this nightmare. I have been able to see why my husband's character changed over the 5mths his A went on and I am trying to hold onto that thought process now, (and focus on the person he was for most of our marriage), when he tries to tell me I am sneaky for checking on him, asking questions, putting caller id on the phone etc. As I told him one night, go ahead call me sneaky, call me whatever you want. (What I wanted to say in reality is call me whatever you want but atleast I am honest, loyal and trustworthy, I will settle for sneaky any ole' day.)

You have done exactly the right thing. Of course he is mad, they all are when they are exposed. He feels protective towards her, but if she did not want her parents to know, she should not have gotten involved with a married man. It is her own fault.

Stay in Plan A, and don't worry about this. Go on with your life, it will all blow over.

CMJ: Affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? They get angry. I'm sorry we didn't warn you, because this response is pretty common. You are doing nothing horrible. He is. You are fighting to save your marriage. He is destroying it. You are telling the truth. He is lying.

What I don't understand is why you accept in even a small way the validity of his view of things. His brain is not functioning properly. Really. Now - don't SAY that to him, because it is disrespectful, but that is the truth. Smile and nod. Or maybe say: "I can see how you might feel that way." Or: "Oh, I would never want you to stay married to someone so horrible. I AM willing to change as soon as you terminate your relationship with the OP, though." Or: "Yes, fighting to save my marriage is really horible." Being logical in your response is not necessary.

<small>[ January 01, 2004, 02:41 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Help! (again) It turns out that everyone knew my husband was having an affair except me!! The "other woman" knew he was married, her parents know, my husband's parents knew all about the affair - everyone except me and no one seems to think that this is a bad thing?!?!

Also, now that I have revealed to my husband that I know about the affair, he has told me that he's glad to be rid of me, that he wants to be with the other woman, that we're through, that he wants me to move out of the house ASAP, and that he's filing for divorce as soon as possible and that we will be divorced within 30-60 days.

So that's it. No remorse. Not one person or family member to tell my husband that he is doing the wrong thing. Nothing. It seems like it's completely over and the only thing I did was anger my husband and drive him into her arms.

Is there anything I can do?

Since he has chosen her, should I go to Plan B?

Help! I cannot believe all this is happening and it just keeps getting worse!!

Whoa!

Ok,are your husband's parents really ok with what he is doing or are you just overblowing what he said? Have you talked to them? How about your parents? Are they there to support you? What about the house..is it jointly owned or just in his name?

You don't have to move out if you have any ownership in the house.He is just trying to scare you into making decisions HIS way.AND remember,it usually takes longer than 30 days or even 60 days for a divorce to be started,completed and granted so again,he is just spouting off.I must say he is really being an...well never mind.

YOU didn't push him into any decisions,he is doing this ALL BY HIMSELF.If he is he** bent on getting what he wants without any regard to anything else,you may need to get a Lawyer asap.That should slow things down a bit.Quite a change from when he said he didn't want to "break up" in your first post.

I'm not able to gauge just how bad this all is for you at home but if I were you,I would not go into Plan B now.At this point,some lines of communication need to be kept open because things are so heated right now and I don't know what's around the corner.

Please try to still remain as calm as you can.If he is confronted in any agressive way he is just going to blow up at you more.Have you made an appointment to see a counselor with or without him yet?
He hasn't actually filed for divorce yet right? so he may be just venting some more.

Are you both working? And what is the home life like right now,has he brought the OW to the home? Are you still speaking to eachother when you are home or what is going on?

O

Thanks for responding!! I really needed just some advice. Here's some more info...

I don't know if my H's parents are ok with the affair or not, but they said they knew about it and felt my H should be happy. At the least, I don't think they ever told him it was wrong. I have talked to his dad 2x today. I'm so hurt that they let me go to their house, cook & help them clean, etc, and the whole time they knew my H was sleeping w/ another woman. It just adds to the betrayal. My parents are deceased. It's just me and my sister and some distant relatives in Europe. My sister lives on the west coast and I moved to the east to be with my H.

The house is jointly owned.

I called an atty and hopefully I'll speak to her tomorrow. My H has an atty and just told me that he has already filed the D papers (I haven't been served and had no idea - I think he did this because the other woman pressured him to - not sure.)

Things are worse. My H came home and was pounding on my bedroom door (I locked it b/c he was so angry when I found out about the affair) - I asked him to give me a few minutes to get dressed (I was showering) and he just kept pounding on the door and telling me he was coming in. Well, I was scared so I ended up calling the police and he was escorted out of the home. He has a bad temper and had frightened me before, but never hit me. Anyway, I'm sure he absolutely hates me now and we will never reconcile. Maybe I shouldn't have called, but I was really scared - he is a big guy and very strong and I thought he was going to break the door down. I don't think that was a very good Plan A.

I have another phone counseling session w/ Dr. Harley tomorrow morning. I set it up a few days ago. My H refuses to go to couples counseling w/ me and says it's all junk and he doesn't think people should try to save their marriage unless they've been together a long time and/or have children. (we've been together 5 yrs, but no children)

We both work. We were both living at home and still sleeping in the same bed (until last night when I confirmed the affair - he then went to a hotel w/ her and didn't come home)

I don't think he's brough the OW home, but he said he would move her in as soon as he got me out and we were divorced.

Before yesterday's blow-up about the affair, we were still speaking and he was holding me, hugging me, snuggling me at night, telling me he hoped things would work out with us, kissing me, holding my hand for the commute into work (45 minutes), etc, etc. I feel like such a fool now for believing anything he said.

Well, that's a lot of info. I suppose I blew it when I called the police and he will never forgive me. I should have just let him into the room, but I was scared.

Any advice/thoughts? I really, really appreciate it!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

HI!I'm also brand new here. I kicked out my husband out about a little over a month ago his drinking and his late nights out really took their toll on me we've been together for 13 yrs married 8 yrs. about a wk before I kicked him out i checked his cell and found a # from one of his coworkers a 19 or 20 yr old girl he says she gave him the # because he was looking to rent a room to move out, so supposely she gave him the # to talk to her step father about the room but when i looked at the time the call was placed and when it ended it was too long to just be talking about a spare room. anyway i confronted him and he was mad.I tried confronting her but she quit the job before I got a hold of her although i still have the cell #. he was very bitter when she left he denied EVERYTHING because her supposely boyfriend works with the same company located somewhere else. so I left everything at that.I kicked him out about a week later and he's been out ever since, not wanting to talk to me or whenver he did he would treat me horribly. I was for some reason having suspicions something was happening I confronted him and he admitted he had been with some girl after I kicked him out but he won't admit it's this same girl he says it's some other girl he had met at the job so he says he's been seeing her and has been having sex to make matters worse she may be pregnant she has a 1 or 2 yr old, lives with her parents and now they want to kick her out because she may be preg so she asked my husband to find a place to live together
all this in a month it's killin me we have a 3yr old son that loves his dad now he rarely sees him.this is like that altimate but somehow through all this I stll want him back and I can't explain why. by the way he's 34 and our probs are so much more. I practically begged for him to come back but he says he hates me and hates our home he would never come back. I don't know if keeping myself away and trying not to call him will make him stray even more or eventually come back, but now he has a new set of probs if this girl is preg.I want to hate him so bad.He's been missin work like crazy and ignoring his responsibilites.I don't know where to go from here. I feel like it's all my fault a few months ago he asked to go to marriage counceling and I refused this just went down hill from their on and i think he truly hates me.... please help!!!

destiny - I wish I could tell you what to do or give you some good advice. I'm so new here and I just don't know what to do myself.

I wish my H would leave the house, but he won't.

Maybe someone else can give us some advice?

cmj,

My one piece of advice would be not to leave the house. He's the one that is having an A and wants out, let him leave and find a new place. Don't be intimidated into moving.

Stick with the counseling. You will get excellent advice. You have not blown anything. Your H is acting like they all do. You have a right to protect yourself.

Don't worry about his family. They usually rally around the cheater.

Time to calm down. Stay in the house. Keep reading everything here. You have lots of support here, and I promise you, things will get better. You are going through a very hard part right now, but it won't always be like this.

Thanks for the reply, but I don't plan on moving out, he moved out and as far as the marriage counceling he wants nothing to do with it or for that matter anything that has to do with us tring to get back together he said he's done and over with everything. my fear is the younger women has all the power over him and she will convince him to live together. meanwhile he's out I get most of the money until she starts taking that away too. I think it's time for child and spousal support the legal way,but I'm afraid I won't get as much as I get now from him.
to make matters worse I will be loosing my job in a few months so I'm going insane.