I am at the beginning of a very long road. I have been reading the posts here for a few days only, and I'm trying to figure out why it is necessary to tell the BS. I had a brief affair 6 years ago. Guilt prevailed and I ended it abruptly. I confessed to my pastor and his advice was to focus on my marriage, end the affair, and move on. His most prominent advice was to spare my H and not tell him. While there is more to my story, I feel it necessary to fucus on one item at a time.
So I pose the question to anyone interested in responding..Why tell?

Is it really better that they know, or is the pain sometimes too much?

Seperately, I hesitated to ask the Question, for fear of being verbally blasted, but I opted to post anyway, realizing that the reality is what is necessary to begin the walk down this road.
Blast Away!

This question has been asked many times. I’m fairly new here, and a WS. I’ve noticed the posters here are a bit gentler towards the WS so hopefully you won’t get blasted. But on this topic I believe most if not all the BS will say that telling is the best thing. It’s felt that the truth will one day emerge and when/if it does, will it be more painful then or when you come clean now on your own?

I suppose if you decide to tell your spouse on your own, it may be best to have all the details ready. This way it’s not a long drawn out process. Well, it will be a long recovery no matter what, but at least he’ll have all the details that he wants and/or can handle.

It’s also said that if you don’t tell, then the A will continue or you’ll be free to have another since you’ve never suffered the consequences. In your case, you’re A ended 6 years ago and you’ve not had another and I assume you’ll never do this again. Also, since it was so many years ago, you may not have all the details straight and he may say that you’re purposefully withholding information from him. Maybe he’ll get angry and say things he normally wouldn’t due to the shock of your confession. In this case, you need to prepare yourself.

You know your husband best of course. If you do decide to tell him, you’ll be able to figure out the best way for your situation. I don’t want to say you shouldn’t or should – just maybe look at all the scenarios you can run into.

Best of luck to you.

OK, I'll start this one off.
There are two schools of thought here (I won't go into details), one that states you should tell and the other that thinks you shouldn't. Kind of the flip sides of a coin. Personally, I wish my FWW didn't tell me. It has been almost 3 months since D-Day and my emotions have been out of control and my marriage is so-so (someways better and some ways worse). When deciding to tell you must weigh the possible consequences carefully. Manly how you think your spouse will react. I didn't react very well, and have a broken hand to prove it. I would talk it over more with a IC or pastor before I would make any rush toward honesty. Think about his emotions and the long raod ahead before you decide.

P.S. Now everyone can blast on me!

Sevenselves

The basis for telling is bring honesty, complete honesty back into the marriage which has suffered from a lot of dishonesty which allowed the affair. It allows you BOTH to work on the issues which lead to the affair with regard to the marriage. It gives your spouse the right to make informed choices about where their life is going, something which an affair takes from them.

I will state you are were given this advice with the best possible intentions and it has worked. Six years pass...I'll be honest...I wouldn't tell now, either...nor would I want my H to drag up long dead mistakes. jmho

Why tell?

For me the dishonesty of the affair was worse than the pain of knowing – terrible though that pain was. Even at three months post DDay I said that, though there were times I wondered if I was telling myself the truth.

Not telling is disrespectful and controlling. You are trying to control your spouse’s behavior by limiting their access to the truth. You are treating them like a child – not trusting them to make their own decisions about how they want to live their life, and who they want to be married to. In fact, you are not letting them know who they are married to.

By telling, you destroy an invisible barrier to intimacy that you have erected between you and your spouse.

If they find out from someone else it will be worse.

Every day you delay will be one more day of dishonesty, and dishonesty is one of the worst aspects of an affair. Dishonesty is the ground in which an affair grows. If you are not going to have another, why add to the soil?

Being dishonest by not telling prevents you from eliminating all the conditions that led to the affair, because dishonesty was one of the conditions, so it is actually impossible to completely recover without telling.

Lastly, IMO, it is simply impossible to have a great marriage without honesty. By keeping this information from your spouse, you are FORCING them to accept your view that a great marriage is possible without it, or that a great marriage is not that important, without giving them the option of making that decision for themselves.

Of course, that is just my opinion. How about the experts?

From: “Husbands and Wives; Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire” by Dr. Melvyn Kinder and Dr. Connell Cowan (UCLA Clinical Psychologist, and Univ. of Houston Clinical Psychologist: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> “Let us state at the outset that affairs are terribly destructive not only to marriages but to the individuals involved as well.”

“The most basic effect of an affair on one’s marriage is estrangement. Some people think a lack of trust is the ultimate legacy, but that assumes that the affair becomes known. The fact is that most affairs go undetected. Most husbands and wives will never really know for sure whether their love one has been faithful or not.

“Affairs are inherently dishonest; they all involve varying degrees of subterfuge and deception. Maintaining the “secret” requires an enormous amount of energy even if the unfaithful party does not think so. We have spoken with and counseled many men and women who at first insist they are carrying it off well. The report little or no guilt and are convinced the affair does not negatively affect their relationship at home. This is absolute nonsense!”

In order to keep an affair hidden you are forever walking around with a secret that burns inside. Imagine having a liaison, then coming home, making love with your spouse, and at the height of lovemaking saying “I love you.” Pretty hard to do, isn’t it? Yet millions of men and women have experienced that very moment. What must that do to a person’s sense of honor, integrity, character?”

“As for those who insist they feel little or no guilt, they are deceiving themselves. Guilt is not always conscious. Husbands or wives who play around may feel hidden guilt, which manifests itself in irritability, argumentativeness, with one’s spouse, or vague and ill-defined feeling of depression and self-loathing.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Julie-
I definitely don't feel qualified to give anyone advice, and our situations are different, yet in some ways the same. I told my H about my latest A because I couldn't stand to lie anymore. Then I went back and told him all of my other indiscretions because I was afraid that he would find out another way, or else that we wouldn't be able to really move on and heal because of the lies and deception that were there. I can't tell you the end result, of course, but I can tell you that I feel much better now that everything is out in the open. I truly believe that even if my H were to leave me because of my A's, I would be glad that I had told him... that I had been honest. He is hurting terribly right now, but at the same time - I know that he is glad that I told him... that there are no more secrets.
My A's were recent and back-to-back. Yours was 6 yrs ago and there was only one. I can't say what I would do in your place. Here are the questions that run through my mind, though:
Is there any chance that he could find out?
Is it eating away at you and causing any kind of tension in your marriage?
Have the issues that surrounded the A been resolved?
Like I said... I don't feel qualified to give advice... but there is my situation, and my thoughts. I wish you well! God Bless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
SMH

JE,

You have asked the question that is at the very bedrock of this site. Harley feels from his many years of counseling and his children do as well from their many years of counseling that "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, are the main tools for rebuilding and/or maintaining a healthy marriage.

Harley admits that he was in a very small minority when he first proposed these ideas, but as time goes on one sees more and more people coming to the conclusion that Honesty is crucial for a good marriage.

The main reason that telling is recommended is that it breaks down barriers. I don't know your story, but permit me to speculate if only for discussion purposes. Let's say you were very guilt feeling after the affair, how would you handle it? You could try to forget you had the A. You could avoid certain topics, certain people, certain places so that the chances of H finding out would be diminished. You would do your best NOT to talk in your sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, mostly you would have to carefully watch what you say and how you expressed things in the heat of an arguement, love, pain, etc. IN short you would have to hide from your H your deepest feelings.

Now, if you read here for any length of time most BS's know when the relationship is going south, a little sour, whatever. BUT, they often don't know why,hence the A is a big shock to them, but not the distance in the relationship.

Now here comes the part that most don't think about. You had an A for a reason. It could be that your H was NOT meeting your needs. Perhaps he wasn't attentive enough, or YOU needed something he was unaware of. Hiding the A makes it unlikely that you will address these problems because it will lead to deep discussions, it sadly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> often means that even if you voice your feelings that your H doesn't really take them seriously. The number of BS's here who "woke up" when the affair was reveiled is huge.

So hiding the A often means the WS is NOT really happy, because the BS is not meeting needs or isn't aware of the seriousness of the WS's withdrawal from them. It also means that the BS NEVER gets to see the person they are married to. Somethings are being hidden.

Now, lets talk about needs for just a second. Interestingly Harley found that people often TRIED to meet needs and make their spouse happy, but the spouse doing this did NOT know what the needs were or did not know how to meet them. For example you may appreciate a new lawn mower, but NOT for you anniversary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The concept here is that people need to honestly explore their needs and then communicate them to their spouse. Often the A is the catalyst for such exploration once it is revealed. It is a retardant for such exploration if it is NOT revealed.

Finally, if you always tell the truth you never have to remember your lies or what you said a month, year, decade ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But, an A is a terribly painful thing for the BS, but it is often the catalyst for jump starting the marriage and making it into something beautiful. Sadly, most of us assume we know what our spouses want and are wrong.

So, short term not telling seems the humane thing to do, long term not telling stunts the growth of the individuals and their marriage. That is the view around here, in my words anyway.

I should say that revealing the A, should be done after serious consideration. If one suspects that a spouse won't handle it well, it is often recommended that it be done in the presence of a pastor, counselor, or someone close to both. If physical violence is suspected then more care should be taken. Often people discuss with their counselors HOW to tell the spouse, what way will be best received. There is no painfree way to do this, but as you can see from some of the responses the reaction varies.

The issue still comes down to a given situation. While painful, telling is often a very loving thing to do. Your situation and the length of time would require some considerable thought into the how to do this. I do think one needs to reveal the A for the purpose of healing not hurthing the spouse. I have seen here it done for a good purpose: to improve the marriage and tear down barriers.

Good question. I suggest you read the articles on radical honesty here and Harley's thoughts on revealing an affair. There are others with similar views these days, a trip to the bookstore might be useful to you.

It seems to me the "let sleeping dogs lie" approach suggests that one could just let them starve to death.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Julie-Elizabeth:
<strong>Is it really better that they know, or is the pain sometimes too much?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For some people the pain is too much. I think for most it is not. As another poster noted, it was the lying that left me feeling betrayed much more than the affair(s). I felt like all of the time we were living our lives while he was lying about the affairs cast doubt on every aspect of our relationship. What else was a lie - how he felt about me?

Honesty is such a critical need for me, that there could be no (and was not) any significant healing or recovery until I felt the lying was completely and fully done.

I think you do your husband a tremendous disservice to not let him make the decision about how he should respond to your betrayal. But make no mistake, it is horribly, terribly painful - for both of you.

I thank you all for your opinions, input, and suggestions. I have still yet to determine the decision regarding telling my spouse.
I will attempt now to continue my story. I do hope, that no one feels deceived that I had not mentioned the present. I was curious to gain a perspective on an A that happened many years ago. I have realized, that revealing a present A is part of the healing process, for all of those involved. So, If I offended anyone, please accept my aplogies.

Presently, I am at the end of a year long A. It is ironic that I found this site when I did. My job is closed for vacation for 2 weeks, and the OM and I work together. We have throughout the past year intesified and tried to distinguish our A. We both knew their were too many lives at risk to continue. (We both have families). It was a tug of war. The irony lies in the fact that yet again, we are trying to end our A.

We have decided not to speak for the interim. I realize now(thru this site) that I am beginning the grieving process. I now have to figure out a way to end my employment with raising suspicion(VERY SMALL TOWN). Simply, I can just quit. I realize that,however I am not prepared (financially) to end so abruptly. I am stuck.

Please note that I have not told my H about this A. I honestly had no intention of it PRIOR to my visits here. I coudn't imagine putting him thru the pain. He is avery sensitive man, and I do believe this would crush him. On more than 1 occasion he has stated, that an A would be the only reason to end a marriage.

We are having relationship issues as a result of this A. I thought I was ready to walk out the door. YOU have given me new insight as to the repercussions of a hasty decision.

I am certain their are many details that I have left out regarding my story, and also certain that with feedback I will continue to realize those. It is with great shame that I post here.

I realize the unity which this site brings..for both sides of this tainted coin, and I appreciate your openness regarding your lives. As I stated, I am at the beginning of a long road, and I'm scared to death to take the first step.

J-E

I feel for you and I also was afraid to take the step of radical honesty. But I now see that it's the only basis on which to build a GREAT marriage, not just a good one, and that a GREAT marriage is the only long term defence against affairs!

My advice is: do a Plan A for a month, then tell H where the ideas have come from. You will be amazed at the impact. Then show him the site. Then tell him about the Affair.

this is a quote from a member here: I came upon it, and it broke my heart. I can only imagine the pain he is feeling. I cannot imagine intentionally causing this much pain to my H....
quote...

To Redhat, yes I am a Christian. Actually, both of us have been for over 20 years. I married her because we knew each other since childhood and both practiced celibacy before marriage. Why would she ruin all of that and put that cross on my shoulders? If I there wasn't anything holding me and if I had not made a promise at the altar, I would have walked. I do not think I can ever trust her or have the feeling that she is special.

To freetobe: I have in fact practiced much of what I have read recently before I actually read it with regards to her needs. I read Love Busters, Five Languages of Love, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, Surviving an Affair, etc. To me, life should not be so difficult if one lives it honestly, without hurting anyone, being considerate and respecting others. I used to think that trouble came into someone's life due to negligence, acting without thinking, etc. Then, as you put it, Bam-ka-Boom and you are left picking up the pieces.
I have lost my drive, my motivation to go on and even my lifelong dream of being what I am now, has no meaning and I find it very difficult to work since I cannot focus.
Interestingly, today we went for lunch and we were listening to a program run by a psychologist who takes calls. A woman called because she had cheated on her husband who she describes as a good man and did not know what to do. The guy used her and dumped her after he got what he wanted. My WS did not comment and was silent. I wonder, what goes through their minds?
I have tried unsuccesfully to find Biblical scriptures that would guide me. Joseph was about to leave Mary when he found she was with child and an angel adviced him. Biblically, immorality has been severely punished, but I am lost as to what I should do.
I am not bitter at her, but I am very sad and disappointed that she is not who I thought she was and now I wonder when she would do it again or how many lies and secrets she is keeping?
It is hard to live with someone who you do not trust and who has traits that are against your moral values. I wonder who in my life I did not pay attention to or ignored because I was in love with her at the time. I feel she has denied me a happy and normal life. I feel so sad for my children and how this may affect them although I have tried to protect them from knowing anything, but I cannot be the loving and affectionate husband I once was.

J-E,

I think NOW you might understand why telling him is sooo crucial. If you had told him six years ago about your A then, it is likely you two could have taken steps that would have prevented this A. Now you may lose actually you must lose this job, and you have already hurt your H via the last year's behavior.

I will mention to you that while your H may decide to leave, what he said doesn't mean he WILL leave. Biblically an affair is the only reason to end a marriage, so he has the right to do this, but will he?? Most don't.

KS41 is surely right, there is no way that this won't be painful, yet pain is often theraputic.

I would like to strongly urge you to read the articles on radical honesty, the 4 rules for a good marriage and the Policy of Joint Agreement. If you really want to understand what has happened get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Harley. You might want to look at His Needs Her Needs as well. There are other good books but these are the ones I have read.

Clearly the best way to end this affair is to tell your H. Now how to tell him is something to discuss and ponder. If you want to continue to be married to him, then he will need assurances that you want to be married to him, and that you are telling him this news to end the affair NOT the marriage. He will need to see that you have voluntarily told him of your affair to address the marriage issues and your own, NOT to punish him.

I know this sounds strange, but the most common response is "why did they do this to me?" when in fact "me" was not even considered in the decisions. Affairs are selfish actions, but it is hard for the betrayed not to feel it was done to hurt them and without regard to them or the marriage.

These things can and are overcome but it takes time and patience on your part and your spouse.

I would also like to urge you to find a pro-marriage counselor to work with. A third person is very helpful in addressing the issues.

In any event, I am glad to hear the rest of your story, but I am sad to hear what the story is.

By the way, do you have children??

must go.

JL

Julie,

Nice name. My sister's name is Julie. Anyway, talking from my own point of view...

I've been married for 17 years. I got married to my wife when we were pretty young. We were both in the military. The week after we got married she had to go overseas. She was there for several months before she found out she was pregnant and ended up getting out and returning to the states to live with me. Anyway, in the time she was gone, I had been working out and was in the best shape of my life. I partied a lot and ended up meeting a girl that lived in our dorm. We started doing things together and it didn't take long before her advances were more than I could take. One day we ended up 'being together'. I felt the worst guilt in my whole life. I carried that guilt with me for 16 years. I confessed to her when she was having her affair. She still is having her affair. Anyway, that guilt has been knawing at me all these years. I always wondered if she would find out. My best friend knew, but he was the only one. His wife and my wife were really good friends and I always had the feeling my best friend would tell his wife and in turn tell my wife. GUILT and DISHONESTY. Two very powerful words. I think that guilt and dishonesty has always been a disruption in our marriage. When I told my wife and asked her forgiveness, it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Now whether she will ever really forgive me is up to her, but at least now, I know I've done my part in being honest with her and I feel like a different person...

Apparently this guilt has been knawing at you for a long time. 6 years is a long time to keep a secret. I don't feel you can be as close to your spouse without brutal honesty. I have been reading alot lately and I've seen what secrets, lies,deceit, and affairs do to people. Myself included. If my wife ever decides to come back and work on our marriage, I know I'll be honest with her. I want to rebuild this marriage on a firm foundation. Ours always had little cracks and eventually broke down. I will never be the same person I was and my wife will never be the same she was, but I know we can have a better marriage if we can rebuild it on trust and honesty. This my not help you out a lot, but it is my feelings in writing. Keep us posted......

JE

I gather by your third post your husband is also using this sight. He can have a seperate username than yours and probably should to avoid confusion.

To both of you read READ anything and everything you can get your hands on regarding infidelity. Seek non secular books where you can to give a Christian outlook on how to deal with this.

Through reading you will come to understand much of what has happened. That knowledge will make it easier to go through this process regardless of whether you go together or go your seperate ways.

Husband:

You can survive this. Right now you are in shock, pain, rage, denial and a million other emotions. But again you can survive this. And God willing you can forge a stronger marriage.

Good morning All,
I thank you for your insight, wisdom, and opinions.
SDFR:
Let me clear up, my H knows of this site, of my frequency invisits, however, is NOT aware of A. I was quoting another member whose words, and whose pain affected me, deeply.
Believe me,
I "get" the idea of telling is what will help rebuild our marriage. I can say honestly, that I cannot imagine hurting him with the truth. Hurting my family. (we have 3 children). Letting my family know. We can't sneeze with out in laws(neighbors) knowing. This is MY screw up, MY fault, MY weakness, MY mistake, MY burden.
Why, should I hurt others with MY problem?

I cannot grasp this. As a mother, it's in my nature to protect my children. How can I justify bringing to light something that I can GUARANTEE will cxause them pain?
This is where I am idle.
Please, offer your insight, I most certainly appreciate it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why, should I hurt others with MY problem? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You already have hurt them.

In particular and especially you have hurt your husband, and the only way to cure the wound is to open it up and clean it out. As for telling your children - that is something you should discuss with your H. We told ours, simply because we thought there was some danger they would find out elsewhere. Not everyone does. I am not sure it is necessary.

In the case of your husband, it will cause him pain, but it will not cause him harm. You are like someone who does not want to stop giving their child painkillers because the child has his hand on the electrical burner of the stove, and stopping the painkillers will "cause" them pain. It's not the lack of painkillers, it's the stove! If you cease the administration of painkillers, they will take their hand off the stove and the injury will stop. In fact - you are holding his hand on the stove.

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Julie,

My story is very similar to yours only I'm the BS.

Out of the blue one day my husband sat me down and told me about an A he had had 4 years previously.

Well I was stunned - you see I was one of those people who NEVER thought an affair could happen in my marriage.

Why did he tell me? The very act of secrecy/dishonesty was eating him alive and having a negative impact on our marriage. He absolutely had no intention of telling me until one day.

That one day he was in the doctors office and while waiting picked up a copy of Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs". He liked it so much that he bought his own copy.

In the book is a chapter that discusses this very thing. After reading the book, cover to cover he knew he had to tell me.

We're almost 2 years past d-day, and although it was extraordinarily painful for both of us - we're better off now than we were before.

You see you're at the point of "not knowing what you don't know". The things my husband learned about himself and the reasons for the affair would have never come to light if he had kept his secret.

Who he is now is far better than he was before he told me. Who I am now is far better too.

There's probably not much any of us can say to convince you. I simply suggest you get the book - you can order it from this website and get it fast; and make an informed decision of whether it's right for you to tell.

I feel we have a responsibility if not just to ourselves, but to our children - to be the very best role model we can be. No one is perfect, everyone has different strengths and weaknesses - it's what we do about those strenghts and weaknesses that truly define for each of us who we REALLY are. With your husband and children being the most important people you could possibly have a relationship with, don't you think they deserve the best you, you can be?

Knowing what the right thing to do is one thing; but DOING the right thing especially when you know what that is - is the only thing. Anything less will eat away at your sense of self worth and integrity.

The relief my husband felt after telling me was enormous. Of course there was plenty of anguish, guilt for hurting me etc. to go around.

Read the general principles on this website and consider counseling with one of the Harley's. Even before you tell your husband - I know they would be enormously helpful. Blessings, CSue

Althought he situation is a little different, if you want to understand viscerally the negative impact that dishonesty has on a relationship, read this thread: DDay #2 and in particular this part: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What hurts the most is the continued lying. ...How can he be so stupid to think that lying to keep from hurting me further (what he claims) would help anything? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I recently got some new information about my wife's affair that upset me. When I asked her why she hadn't told me before, she said "I didn't think it was significant. If I knew that it would hurt you, I would have told you." Believe it or not, that answer was very re-assuring, because it showed that she understood that her efforts to protect me from pain by not talking about things she felt would hurt me had been the source of many of our marriage problems, had enabled her affair, and she was not going to continue that pattern. We have a new, better marriage now. Far better than it ever was before. There are still problems. There is still pain. But I would not go back for anything.

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Julie,

I liked John's stove analogy. Csue is as is everyone else giving you the straight stuff on this. I thought I would revisit some of your words. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I "get" the idea of telling is what will help rebuild our marriage. I can say honestly, that I cannot imagine hurting him with the truth. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So hurting him with lies is better? You have now had two affairs. There is a reason for it and you are NOT seeking it because you don't want to admit that you are an adulteress and that you, your marriage, and perhaps your H need help. You ARE hurting him as the others have said. The marrige is being robbed when you focus on another man. You are putting your H's health at risk as well as your own: condoms (if you used them) are better than nothing, but not all that great at preventing disease. Don't believe me?? Consider the pregnancy rate with condoms and then consider that only at certain times can women get pregnant. Then consider that virus' are much smaller and more active).


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hurting my family. (we have 3 children). Letting my family know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The concept of "radical honesty" only extends between H and W, NOT the rest of the family, even children. Divulging your affair to anyone else is a decision you and your H would make.

As for your children, let me ask you a question. Has this affair affected you emotionally? Have you felt conflicted by what you are doing and the image you protray? If the answer to any of these questions is YES, then you have affected your children because the energy, focus, and time you spent in your affair was taken from someone: H and children is the answer.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We can't sneeze with out in laws(neighbors) knowing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do the neighbors have to do with this?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is MY screw up, MY fault, MY weakness, MY mistake, MY burden.
Why, should I hurt others with MY problem?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, you are wrong, it is your H's problem, it is your children's problem, AND it is your problem. Your H is married to a woman that has had two affairs. He deserves the right to know that and decide if he wants to remain in such a marriage, where his W if focused on other men more than him, where his W may bring home a fatal disease that could orphan his children.

It is your children's problem as well. It is evident that you are NOT providing much a role model for them with regard to how a W treats and loves her H. Your H may not be providing much of a role modle either. I am already mentioned the disease aspect, but if you are tense, they notice. IF you are distracted or gone to be with OM, they notice.

Julie, this is a problem YOU created, but it no longer is YOUR problem. You owe your H a chance to address this problem any way he sees fit. That could mean divorce, it could and should mean counseling, it could and should mean he and you decide to make a marriage that you BOTH are happy in.

But, it is clear that by yourself, you cannot control yourself or protect your family, or marriage. You have done this twice now. Face the fact that you need help and a major source of that help oddly enough will be your H.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

John, that's a remarkable story. How wonderfully safe you must feel as a result of that conversation. Your relationship is to the point that honesty is safe which to me is a great definition of intimacy.

I think I'll mention this to my husband. It's extraordinary and I would love it if we reached this level in our recovery too! CSue