Where to begin? My W is in Iraq with a Nat Gaurd unit. Has been there about 7 months. When home on leave she called out another man's name during sex. When she called home after returning at first she lied but admitted it when I told her truth was the only thing that could save our M.

She says the other man is no longer there and do beleive she no longer has contact with him but was followed with other lies.

This has not been her first affair but after the last one I thought things were working out. I can not provide the emotional things she needs and it will be another 4 months before she gets home.

I recently had to close my business because of poor health and we depend now on only her income. Our childern are grown now and no longer at home and do not know if she will remain if my health continues to decline. We have been married nealy 30 years and have weathered many storms.

I don't know how to respond to this affair and can not apply very many or the suggestions because of the circumstances.

She is in a war zone and needs my support and love as she faces death on a dailly basis.

I realize the army is no place for a married woman but she has only 3 years to retirement.

I have told her we will work this out when she gets home but how do I treat her in the meantime?
If I ignore the affair and act like nothing has happened I am afraid she will see this as a free ride.

Sorry you had to join us, but it is a good place here. Start by reading everything on this site about marriages. Even though she is gone, you can begin saving your marriage.

When you communicate to her be calm and respectful. But you can also let her know this was hurtful to you.

Keep reading here and posting, things will get better, if you follow the program.

Thanks for the encouragement. I have read a lot on this site but I can not think of how to apply any of the information with my wife thousands of miles away and communication spotty at best. Should I continue to send her packages and letters? I don't know how to let her know what she stands to loose.

It has been hell with her gone and I didn't know there was anything worse than hell till I found out about the A. I thought she ended the last affair because I found out and tried to make things better between us. Now I am afraid she ended the last A when she started a new one and not because of me. I am afraid she will not change untill she wants to and I think she would like to keep things the way they are. What do I do for the next 4 months till she returns?

I watch my post creep to the bottom of the form along with it goes my hope and soul.

deephurt...yes, continue with the packages and everything else. Read up on Plan A, even tho her affair is over. While there are some emotional needs which you can't meet at this time because of distance, you can do your very best to met each and everyone of those you can. So read over the emotional needs questioniare and see if there is room for improvement.

While I know four months must seem to be forever, it isn't. Look around and see what you can do to make things better at home while she is gone, which would please her on her return. Keep busy. I know you said you had to close your business because of health concerns, is there some other less stressful/less demanding job that would not only bring in some income, but keep you from going crazy? (not crazy as in nuthouse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Are you taking care of your health? Are you staying under a doctor's care and doing what you should? Have you shared with your doctor the emotional stress you are under because of what is happening with your wife? If you answer "No" to any of these...you may want to rethink your reasons for not doing so. jmho

I want to stress...there are many emotional needs you can fullfill right now!!!! The written word is powerful...use it! Often! Small kindness, gentle thoughts..can mean so very much.

God Bless and guide you on your healing path, and may He bring your Wife home safe.

Thank you for the reply. There is no treatment or cure for my health problems. I have been losing weight to make it a little eaisier to get around and tring to swim when possible.

You are right I need to find something to do but I can not stand very long or walk very far.

If I show her the love and affection like I did before the A won't she take this as my approval for her lies and betrail?

No, you can be clear that you still love her, but that betrayals hurt! They damage your marriage which you value. You expect better of her, you know the woman she truly is and you know that this distance has put a mighty strain on the bond that the two of you have shared throughout the years. BUT...you love her, even tho right now you are hurting.

You want to wait until she comes home before the two of you come together and really work on making your marriage what the two of you always knew it could be, but fell short. (as they all do)

You can and should be honest about what you expect of her, her faithfulness to the vows you shared in front of family, friends and God.

(sidenote...maybe try a temp agency...they usually have part-time work of all types which doesn't pay much of anything, but some which can be done within whatever limitations you have...I've got RA, so I know the problems of having something which can't be cured and takes away from our physical ability in some areas.)

Have you tried putting in for social security disability? That might be a possibility. In the meantime, keep reading here and posting.

I have not reconciled with H, but this site has really helped me. We can help you get through this.

PS - When your post starts sinking to the bottom of the page, just post something. It is not that people are not interested or don't care, it is just that there are so many hurting people here.

Tried to file SSD but had not paid in enough on the right quarters in a ten year period. They told me I should have gave up years ago when I was still hitting the math right. Odd sometimes how the government works. I would have qualified 20 years ago but at the time Regan was cutting SSD to the bone so kept trying to get by.

My W has always said it did not matter that we had to live on her income but sometimes I wonder.
Just got a box ready to send over to her with a short positive note. I just hope she is doing some soul seraching.

Well you need to keep sending her things and writing her. Also read all of the information here. It will really help you. I promise.

When I write my wife what do I say? All I can think about is how much I hurt. If I give her the same love and support as I did before I found out about the A why would she ever want to change? I've read about plan A but how do I let her know how much she has hurt me?

Whenever anyone has hurt me she has been outraged and showed genuine concern for me. Does she not relize that her actions have hurt me more than anyone else?

She is thousands of miles away in a war zone with someone else to hold her hand, touch her face and give her hugs. She says she writes letters but have not received any for allmost 4 months! She has lied so much in the past I don't know if anything she says is true.

I now dread her comming home in 4 months because not only will we have to deal with readjustment to civilian life and being seperated for over one year but when will we deal with her latest A?

What do I write to her? How do I make plan A work when it's next to impossible to talk to each other and it takes 3 weeks to get a letter?

Keep writing to her and sending her pictures. That is all you can do at this point. Don't talk relationship, just let her know what is going on at home. Send her articles from the paper about the war, and the support of the American people.

Keep reading here until the plans become second nature. Don't worry now about when she comes home. Also take care of yourself, since she is not meeting your needs. Early in my H's affair I promised myself that I would be good to myself.

Although my W has admitted to the A I think she lied to me about who it was with. Her superiors must have known something was going on because she was moved out of close contact with OM. I have sent several packages and letters but have received none in return and have not had a call for a couple of weeks. How can I get her to stop lying?

You will just have to continue to Plan A, meeting what emotional needs you can. It is good that she has been moved away from OM.

Are you doing anything to take care of yourself? Please try to do some nice things you enjoy, otherwise the waiting will be miserable.

Is this good or bad? My W recently called and I also got a letter. Before the A when this happened I was walking on cloud 9. Extremly happy and filled with love for her. This feeling would last for a week or so and then I started longing for her next contact.

Now I have no such feeling and it makes me sad. When she calls I find it very hard to be happy to hear from her and I know it shows in my voice. I know she has not been completely honest with me about the A but I don't want to confront her anymore at this time because of the cituation we are in. I am in limbo for the next 4 months and I don't like the way I am feeling.