My husband is coming home today from his trip. As I've written he claims he has not spoken of his feelings with this woman he works with. Seeing how the WS can lie I don't want to be naive. I really want to get to the truth if there is more. Any techniques to get the WS to tell the whole truth? Frankly I don't understand why they wouldn't tell the truth if there spouse wants to know. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

"Never Be Lied To Again" is the name of a book I got from the library, when I wanted to get at the truth. (I think that's the name of it.)

Are you a fast reader? You don't have an awful lot of time to get through it if your H is coming home today.

It's not necessary to read the whole thing. I don't remember whether the book has an index at the back of the book, if it does, look for key words and find the pages referenced.

If not, scan the Table of Contents to get an idea how to read the information pertinent to you.

The hardest part for me whenever my H and I talked was keeping my emotions in check. The feelings of betrayal triggered me into foul-mouthed rages. So I didn't get much information because my H wanted to avoid my wrath. Somehow you have to make him comfortable with disclosing.

Listen for what he doesn't say. Listen for weasel words. Watch his eyes. The eyes shift LEFT when the liar composes his lie. Often they rub their nose when they're not telling the truth. A quick intake of breath, a sharp sigh before answering, or a pause before answering can also be clues.

Let the pauses between question and answer "just be." This accomplishes two things:

If silence makes him uncomfortable, he might rush in with more speech. You just sit (or stand) soft faced, open faced, quiet and receptive, if he does this. You might get more information this way. (Or more fog-talk.)

Another hint: liars provide a lot of details when they are covering their 2ss. Stuff they wouldn't normally be bothered saying. It's a clue that they have worked on the lie to prepare it for its debut.

Good luck.

Warning: Don't let him know you're using signs to "read" him. Be discrete.

Be sure before you begin this discussion to explain to him that the truth is his most powerful weapon. That lies discovered "tomorrow" will only make the truth much more difficult to believe when it does come out. If he is wanting to stay in the marriage, then the most important act of his life will be to tell the truth...NOW! That you are willing to listen and not judge at this moment.

Then use Bellevue's guidelines...especially the one of silence and LISTENING!

Do your very best to create a calm and quiet environment, one where he can feel safe to talk. Whatever you do...do NOT hit the ceiling, no matter what you hear!!!! If you do...the truth will end. You can hit the ceiling later...but NOT when he is talking. Your acceptance that this is HIS truth, which may not be your's...is important. Even if foggy. Be willing to let him have time for reflection, as those things which come off the top of our heads are often incomplete or just plain not true.

You may want to write your questions down so that you can clearly ask what you want to know. Even giving him a list of them and some time to think through his answers isn't a bad idea, but set a time to begin discussions. Yes, it is possible that it gives him time to make up a lie...but you'll discover that lies don't quite fly as they used to do. You've been knocked up side the head and you're looking for inconsitence and those little things which we might not take note of before, are glaring now.

Do your best to keep a tight rein on your emotions. If you let them have a free rein, you will discover that other's stop listening. All they hear is the emotion, not the words behind them.

Know that most betrayers will attempt to lie, or downplay, misdirect, evade...this is what has been working, it usually takes a bit for them to understand that it no longer works. Keep calm, keep explaining that honesty is the ONLY thing which can save him now.

Good Luck!

Well, I think I got the whole painful truth today. I hope I did. Getting it in bits and pieces just further erodes what little trust might remain. If anyone wants to know the details I posted it in the Plan A site, subject being "Plan A Dilemma". Thanks to all of you. I feel like I have been continually run over by a truck. Plus I am having extreme insomnia. Yet I comforted my H today as he cried. WOW! I am surprising myself. I never thought I'd handle an affair like this. I really thought I'd get out as soon as possible. Maybe it's the kids.