Well, here I am again.

Last week it was the urge to talk to the OW. We talke through it and decided it was better not to do that, don't think it would help me feel any better.

We had a great time together last night, it was as if nothing had ever happened. I felt loved, secure, worry free. This morning I woke up and couldn't bear the sight of him.

I hate him so much for destroying my life. I hate him for turning me into this awful mean person that I never thought I could become.

I haven't been wearing my wedding rings for the last week...this morning he noticed and asked what was going on with that. I told him I would put them back on when I was ready to work in our marriage (if that day ever came). He got really upset and took off his ring. Said good bye, see you tonight and slammed the door on his way out.

I can't understand why it's so important that I wear my rings....there is a symbol to those rings you know?...union and FIDELITY!!!...why the heck are they so important now when he didn't give a damn about the one he wore for two years!!!...I don't even think he took it off when he was with her...it was as if I didn't even exist...
Ahhhhh!!!....I am just soooo mad...

At this rate I don't think things are going to get any better...I know it's only been two months but it feels like years...I can't keep living feeling this way... the person I love the most in my life is the person I hate the most...

Put your ring back on. You took vows and did not break them. My H betrayed me and is living with OW. I have still kept my vows. It makes me feel good.

I have had chances to break them and did not. I'm 7 months past D-day and feeling fine. I will always know that I honored the marriage.

You can be angry, that is your right, you deserve to show some and he deserves to see some.
But....why did you take tyour's off? Did you want him to see them not on? I understand your anger and wanting him to hurt as bad as you do sometimes. That will solve nothing for either of you. Trying to piss each other of only serves to....piss each other off. He saw your's off and you knew he'd be upset. IMVHO you were setting him up so you could tee off on him. He then reacts out of anger takes his off and proceeds to leave.

I'm not taking his side, he is in the wrong on this one. I don't mean to come off crass or short with you and I could be totally off on this but one of you needs to remain level headed.

Someone posted this to Brown Eyed Girl:

Give him time and don't let him give up...even if he says he doesn't want to be with you anymore (I do it all the time eventhough I love him so much)...if you know that he loves you, the probability is high that he is only saying that because he is hurt (trust me)...stand by his side and tell him over and over again how sorry you are...and if the affair didn't mean anything...tell him that too...tell him everything he wants to know.

Show him that you love him. Be patient and don't give up.

This is excellant advice from someone who seems to understand things pretty well.
You guys are still barely into this and feelings and emotions are still pretty raw. Is you H willing to go to counseling with you?

God Bless

Believer and D_Rose, thanks for your advice.

D_rose, you got me with the quote...I did say that didn't I.

Well, I guess it's just one of those days...I am fuming!!!...breaking it all off, selling the house and just moving seems a lot easier than dealing with having to look at his face day after day.

I am sooooo sad, I just wish I had someone I could talk to, I am all alone in the US, my entire family is out of the country and he was the only person I had to talk to...my friends don't understand to them it's easy...just make up your mind, either stay with him and accept what he did or leave him...just stop whinning!...yeee..thanks for the advice and for being so understanding! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Today is just not a good day...I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!!!!!...no way I am putting on those rings....I wasn't the one who failed the marriage, he was...I thought the ring I wore was a symbol for his fidelity towards me, he broke his promise therefore that ring means nothing!...I on the other hand, eventhough I had the chance (like you Believer)...took the high road and put my marriage and my husband and my respect for him first before having an affair. It's his problem...not mine. I am not wearing that ring!...I can't even stand the look of it...

D_rose, you got me with the quote...I did say that didn't I.

Well, I guess it's just one of those days...I am fuming!!!...breaking it all off, selling the house and just moving seems a lot easier than dealing with having to look at his face day after day.

Wasn't trying to get ya' but it puts in perspective how clearly we see things sometimes while others we can't see or understand crap.
Take the cash and split, buy a convertible, drive to Mexico and fill in the blank. I had those fantasies ever so often. Short term it would be but once all the emotions settle down then it might seem a little different. When we make a decision we need to be in the best possible frame of mind possible.

I am sooooo sad, I just wish I had someone I could talk to, I am all alone in the US, my entire family is out of the country and he was the only person I had to talk to...my friends don't understand to them it's easy...just make up your mind, either stay with him and accept what he did or leave him...just stop whinning!...yeee..thanks for the advice and for being so understanding!

Do you have a church you can go to? I turned there and it really helped. I was nervous at first to share with a stranger face to face but it really helped a lot. The pastor I talked to referred me to a family counselor who was wonderful. Your friends don't know what to say most of the time. Mine told me to "move on, she screwed around." They have no idea what you are feeling and for the most part they are genuine in their concern. When it comes to stuff like this it is always "easier said than done", huh? : )

Today is just not a good day...I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!!!!!...no way I am putting on those rings....I wasn't the one who failed the marriage, he was...I thought the ring I wore was a symbol for his fidelity towards me, he broke his promise therefore that ring means nothing!...I on the other hand, eventhough I had the chance (like you Believer)...took the high road and put my marriage and my husband and my respect for him first before having an affair. It's his problem...not mine. I am not wearing that ring!...I can't even stand the look of it...

Your rings, your promises. If it meant nothing it wouldn't be such a big deal to put it on.
It is his problem but since you two are married it is also your's too. You can deal with it or bury and run away. If you deal with it head on then you know it has a chance be resolved, if you run, how far is far enough. when do you stop running?

Be angry here, have a bad day here, get what you need to get through the day here. Leave the ring off for a while, take a breath andsay a prayer.

God Bless

Feeling very sad,

Listen, we all feel your pain...more than likely, most people responding to you have been through this and know it all too well... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am sooooo sad, I just wish I had someone I could talk to, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you in counselling? Is there any way you can get into counselling?

What about other interests? What do you do? Do you belong to clubs? Have outside interests?

Professional help is good, as is counselling such as d_rose suggests. But you don't need to talk to others (friends, acquaintances) about the A and your M, you need to get out of the extremely negative headspace you are in right now and give yourself a break. Other than that, post here...people NEVER get tired of talking about A's here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Before answering you, I went back and read some of your earlier posts...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think he is getting tired of my depressed mood. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...are you on anti-d's? Are you aware that anger is part of depression?

Try to get a grip on your emotions...they are not helping...I know this is NOT what you want to hear but it is all part of tough love...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't keep living feeling this way... the person I love the most in my life is the person I hate the most... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sadly you can keep on living this way although I fervently hope that you will not...the only one that can help you out...is YOU! Not him, YOU.

Listen to d_rose...all you are doing is pissing each other off...that is not going to help ANYTHING. Do you hear this message yet???

You can either feed your anger and slowly destroy any chance at recovery or you can deal with your anger outside of communications with your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> breaking it all off, selling the house and just moving seems a lot easier than dealing with having to look at his face day after day </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a good release...think about it in detail...let all the emotions loose...then let it go! It too is a fantasy...it seems easier just like the A seemed easier to the WS. Unfortunately running away from your problems is only ever likely to exacerbate them.

You are a smart woman...what do you WANT to do?

although it may not seem like it, a BIG cyber-hug to you sweetie...hang in there...awed

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Read on further and saw you are on anti-d's...do you think they are working? Have you discussed how you feel with your doctor?

I can relate to you on being angry .I too feel like I hate my husband ,but there is something keeping me here with him .I have just taken the quite road and not tried to get into it with him ,ny situation is a bit different he has mental problems and so I am better off being quite for now. Just try to be calm I know it is hard but it does help.

My rings too came off,well in fact on d-day they were thrown in his face. I understand when you said they meant nothing to him why should you wear them. It has been less than 2 months, we are working very hard on rebuilding but with some huge walls to tear down. But there was one thing that has given me hope, H put my ring on my finger again. I told him when he really knew that he wanted us to be together than he could put them back on. Be honest with him why you can't wear them, tell him when you know for sure this is what both want then you will gladly put them back on, but not until you know in your heart this is right. The thought of new ones has crossed my mind also. New start and all. I don't think the pain goes away you just learn to handle it better and make huge LB deposits.

Hello everyone! I am back. Feeling a little better today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks a lot for your advise...and thanks a lot for the hug AWED...that was very nice and it put a smile on my face.

H and I are going to counseling together and I am also going by myself, meds I don't think are working...I still feel terrible <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am loosing my mind. Yeap, definitely loosing my mind. My H slept in a different room last night...again!...spent most of the night crying my eyes out...and finally 6:00am came along and got up to come to work...yes!!! I am doing a little better today, at least I am getting some work done <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Can't stand to look at him...still...I just want to hit him really really hard!!!!...Last night I found the card a gave him for our anniversary last year... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> how could I have been so naive?...I told them I hoped this years we had been together had been as happy for him as they had been for me and how I could never think of anyone else to spend the rest of my life with...pathetic, isn't it?...all that time he was sleeping with someone else... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Anyway...I better calm down, this is not good. I feel worst now than I felt two months ago. Oh well, that's life so I guess I just have to learn to deal with it.

Finding stuff to do is hard, my favorite hobby is (was) scrapbooking but ever since I found out about this I can't even look at a picture without crying!. I love pictures, and I have so many of them and just the thought of everything that was going on behind back while we were doing all these things together...ahhh!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> it just kills me. So, that's done. No more scrapbooking for me.

I wish I could speed time up a little. I am dying inside.

Please keep talking to me. I am sorry for rambling.

When you said keep talking to you I could feel the same pain. I'm probably not anyone to give you advice since d-day has only been 38 days.

I truly understand everything you feel right now. And I keep telling myself this will get better. If he really wants to work on things then I would say that is the biggest piece of hope to hang on to.

Being here and having other people help you through all this is the only thing that keeps me sane at this point. So keep letting it out, some time soon you may be helping someone yourself. My prayers go to you (and everyone else that needs to be here) but at least we are here trying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi! I have been visiting this site for sometime now (Oct 2003). That is the daty that I found out that my H was Having an A. I immediately got angry and threw him out of the house.

We've been married for three years and have two children (under age 2). I found out that he was having an A from a family member even though I'd suspected it for months. He'd stopped sleeping in our bed, and would come home in the wee hours of the morning.

I admit our marriage has not been an easy one. We have had several obstacles in our way. I have been selfish on a lot of things, and so has he. We had only known each other for six months before we married. I thought that I had found my soulmate!!

Some of you are experiencing some of the same things that I have been going through so I decided that I can't get help unless I join the group.

When I first put my H out I had found receipts to hotels on dates that he was supposedly visiting family. I found theater tickets on a holiday that he was suppose to be at his family's
house. There were several purchases made of the female nature and I had yet to receive anything from these places.

He swares that I don't know what I am talking about. He stated that if he did do it he would never admit it. Take it to the grave, I said.

He tells me that I pushed him out there with my attitude towards him, the constant yelling, and calling him a sorry excuse of a H, and so on.

After reading the website I admit that I did do all of the LB. Now his LB is empty.

I may have made him turn from me, but his vows should've kept him from another woman. His children also. I have learned alot by reading this site and reading your posts. H will not go to a marriage counselor, been there and done that a year ago did not help.

I have completely calmed down and am trying to get him to come home. I love him. I still have a problem not bringing up the other woman. Oh yeah I even know her name. Her mail came to my home address and I called and verified that it was the woman my family suspected. I was right!! Yet still no confession. H stated that if I did not see him then I am just assuming it happened.

How do I get past this? How do I move on with our lives? How do I know that it won't happen to me again? Does he love me?

Help! Please! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know exaclty how you feel. I too took my ring off the day I found out since to me it represented a union and a reminder of vows taken. Once she broke those vows, the ring lost its meaning. I felt with her actions she had divorced me emotionally. There was a lot of anger on her part and verbal abuse from her towards me while the affair was going on and I did not know. She was trying to get me to get tired and give up. It has been a little over a year and I do not think I can ever feel romantic love for her. I lost that. I feel the caring that one feels for a friend, perhaps a special friend. I had to stay because we have small children and I am the sole bread winner. She has not held a steady job since we were married. I would feel awful knowing that she is hurting or suffering in spite of what she has done. We too are all alone in this country and I have not had anyone to talk to. She is in IC because she has a lot of personal issues from the past that have affected her.

To me, a pure and undefiled marriage was important as was my choice in partner. We are both from a conservative culture. It is a living hell having to live with someone who has stepped outside of the marriage vows. I however do not feel anger towards her, but a lot of disappointment knowin what she is capable of.

I haven't worn my wedding ring for over 5 years. After D-Day I haven't put my ring back on and can honestly say that I never will. Once the vows were broken by her affair, all symbolic value of the rings we exchanged was shattered along with the vows and sanctity of our marriage.

The clincher to never wearing the ring again - we had renewed our wedding vows (15th "anniversary") as her affair was in its infancy. Our 20th anniversary recently passed without a word or card. I thought I'd be depressed that day but it passed like any other.

Haven't seen the rings in years, she eventually took hers off as well. I was happy when she did, thought she was hypocritical to wear it.

She'd talked about getting new rings, shown some settngs in magazines, sent email's with pictures or links to look at - I told her I honestly wasn't interested in seeing or getting new rings, she's finally dropped the ring conversation.

I lost her heart, she fell in love with OM (and out of love with me) and OM was head over heels in love with her. The hurt diminishes but remains after 5 years in realizing the most cherished person in my life sought and found happiness in the arms and bed of someone else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is a living hell having to live with someone who has stepped outside of the marriage vows. I however do not feel anger towards her, but a lot of disappointment knowin what she is capable of. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So so true. WW wasn't in the best frame of mind when this happened, but it was a CHOICE.

I don't look at her the same, I've lost my respect for her as a person. I'm sad when I look at her, I wonder what a 50th anniversary party would feel like, I look at other men wearing their wedding rings with envy - because I know I'll never wear one again. (At least while I remain "legally" married to WW.)

Oh, the cynical and sarcastic finale to our renewing our vows story - turns out the priest who performed the ceremony was having an affair with a married member of the church!!!

Thanks everyone for your responses.

It feels sooo good to know that I am not alone on this one. I feel very strongly about the ring situation and there is no way I am putting them back on...at least not for now.

I am doing a little better today...H has been treating me really nice, he is being very patient just listening and breathing very deep whenever I lash out at him.

He has been telling me a lot lately how sorry he is about what he did, he says he was an idiot to do that and on and on...I think he just wants to somehow make me understand that it wasn't anything I did wrong, that it was all his poor judgement. Sometimes I feel I believe him and other times I just feel like he says those things because he knows that is what I want to hear.

In any event, Valentines Day is approaching and it is the first time in 9 years that I have nothing planned and will do nothing for my H. I hope he understands. I just have no motivation whatsoever right now.

Thanks again everyone for listening. I appreciate your support.