Hi everybody:
A short update on my situation.
I have arrived safely in K. Had a jet lag for a while then recovered.
I went to H’s office to say Hello to the people I sometimes work with. I then went to his computer and found everything I needed there. I found his password and this idiot keeps their messages to each other on the computer which everybody in the office uses in his absence!
Anyway, there is nothing for me to hope any more. The love between them is growing, and it is especially strong in their latest messages. They are not sexy at all, but sound like they are soul mates. He never wrote me letters like that, but in our time of course there was no email! He writes that he has never loved anybody as much as he loves her. Etc, etc. Their relationship is very intense.
They are planning to go to Spain for a week in the end of April, then they want to go with her kids to a lake here where our family used to go every summer.
She has either 2 or 3 kids, and works in a different city but comes to this one pretty often or he goes to see her. The project they were working together on is over but I am sure it will not end them.
Strange as it may seem I calmed down. I know that such kind of relationship lasts long and I should not waste my life on hoping that he will be back because he won't.
In one of his messages he wrote to her that he talked with our daughter and she was understanding, that apparently she is not going to break up with him, looks like he was concerned about it - believe me, she is not understanding! She is mad at him and told me that she didn't want to go to K. but was going there only because of me. Now, as one of her sons is in Germany, he said that they would be visiting the kids together!!! Our daughter is going to Germany for an exchange program next year. We will see. I know for sure that if he doesn't get back with me she will not communicate with him.
On the other hand, he says that my health is important to him. I should try and play on this.
I decided not to look into his email - it is a lot of pain but basically it is the same - I love you, I miss you, etc. I have read enough of this!
My husband came to see me after he came back from his business trip, just to say Hello because I have just come. He is rather contradictory in what he is saying and doing. He embraced me but didn't kiss. He said he was glad to see me but was not sexual about me at all. He said we would communicate. We decided to keep the status quo and not tell anybody about our separation. It will be possible because he is traveling a lot on business (and not in the OW direction, thanks god!) and will be away from home anyway. In one of his messages to her I read that she sholdn’t be concerned about my coming here, he would move out and he did. He said he was not going to divorce me. He said he did not plan anything for the future (there is a slight chance that the OW is married, I should try and find this out). We had an unpleasant financial talk and I feel insecure now. He promised an allowance for me but said a couple of things that I didn't like. I need his medical insurance and he said I would always have it.
I asked him how he could build his happiness on my bones, he said he was not building anything - it goes as it goes. Makes no sense to me!
I told him that I was dying and that I could live longer if it were not for the stress he put on me. He got very very upset and there were tears in his eyes. But still he hasn’t changed his mind.
At some point he apologized to me but said that is how things happened in life probably meaning that there is no way back.
He is pretty indifferent to me and didn't try to have any sex, nor do I see any desire in his eyes. He is calm and it seems to me that he knows what he is doing.
He asked if my mother knew and I told him she didn't. I don't know why. Looks like he is concerned about who knows what.
Please any comments. Maybe I should start a new thread?

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

Hi Kamara,

Thanks for posting your sitch. I still think he is a bit foggy but only time will tell.

Do you really want him on a sexual way right now? Think about it. He needs to come back to you clean and ready to start fresh. No smell of the OW s/b in the air.

So preserve yourself for what is yours and what is right.

You have some work to do on the checking. Remember to pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

The OW will settle for crumbs because she is a scumbag. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She is willing to her hurt family as well as yours. Make no deals with the OW. ok?

Hugz,
L.

^^^ bumping ^^^^^ up 'til Kamera returns. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Kamara, I remember you. Glad you are still hanging in there. You are getting the best advice you can here, you have Orchid and Believer.

kamara -

I'm so glad to hear from you again. I missed your last post. Are you doing anything fun for yourself? I would hang in there, and try to squeeze some cash out of him while he is feeling guilty.

How did daughter do on her tests? It makes me laugh that he said she was okay with the whole thing. Talk about fog, but that is how they all are. My H's OW tells him she takes good care of her D. The truth is she has abandoned her completely.

Dear all:
My life is extremely bumpy here. Well, I believe that is how it should be.
My husband feels guilty but is continuing to do what he is doing.
We had an ugly money talk a couple of days ago. He is not going to generous! I persuaded him to keep status quo for 3 more months. I hope he will come to his senses during this time. If no I will pack and go back to the US!
On the other hand, he wants me to visit his mother’s birthday in June. We are going there altogether. He suggested that I should go too. That means that he is not ready to tell his family about his new situation.
I still have an access to his email account and found out that he and his other woman are planning to conceive a baby! They are going to Spain in the beginning of May and will work hard at it! OK, there is nothing I can do about it. Well, if this happens, I have no chances and should really stop worrying about him.
I have a plan how to protect myself and my daughter financially and will follow it. I have 3 more months to put it into action!

kamara -

So glad to hear from you again. Well it sounds good that he wants you to go to his mother's with him. At least he isn't taking OW, like some of them do.
WH says like he is still in the fog. What a crazy plan, to try to have a baby while he is a married man. The OW must have no self-esteem.
What do your friends there think? I would quickly protect yourself and daughter financially the best that you can. It sounds like he is not thinking right.
Please keep us posted, I think about you all of the time, and wonder what is happening.

Oh Kamara.. you are doing so much better than before.. now you are there.. I am glad you decided to go..that way you have no regrets. I am sorry, he is far from coming back to earth. I wish I could say its fog talk...but I think he is aware of what he is doing. He feels guilty, but inside himself what he is doing is right. I cannot say if he still loves you or not, but I think he still cares about you, but not the kind of love you'd hope for. Does he touch you? Does he seems to be doing things opposite than his feelings? I am no expect.. I'm just a confused 22 year old who had to grow up too fast. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know I am stupidly in love, and so is my husband that's why he cannot let me fly.. he won't let me fly away............he is also stupid.. see your husband is not dumb, mine is! My husband directly told me about the affair because his conscience couldn't take it anymore. Or he had this idea that me and that girl would get along fine.... ha ha (yes he is kinda crazy) anyways about your finances, since you are older than me... I haven't really built anything yet.. I am still in school... just hope you get your fair share of the deal. IF HE IS GOING TO BE GENEROUS!!!! MAKE HIM BE! DO NOT BE NICE EITHER!!! MAKE THAT YOUR FOCUS SWEETIE.

YOu know I thought I was the only one in this mess, but I realize how much affairs hurt people. Please take care of yourself and focus on your $$$$ I'm telling you girl... you have so much to live for... you're still young.. get your therapy... make sure you keep your spirit up. Meet new people. MOVE ON TO PLAN B! You are the best candidate for it. Be nice to him, but don't be too nice that way you do not become a RUG!

LOVE YOU*** BIG HUGS****

Hey Harrudah! It has been a while since you answered my notes. I didn’t know you were so young! Actually you are my daughter’s age, my daughter is 21. I don’t want her to go through what I am going through. You a have a whole life in front of you, girl, so cheer up. I know it is hard to do. But there are so many nice guys around, just look at them and you will forget all your misfortunes with your husband! It is different from being old and having cancer as it is in my case!
Believer, nice to hear from you too. How is everything for you?
Sorry I seldom post these days – it is not easy to do it from here. Internet is expensive and sometimes is not reliable. Emailing is much easier and better. So I am trying to keep in touch with Orchid.
My husband is in Spain with his mistress right now. He didn’t tell me the truth about where he was going to – he told me that he was going alone to a lake in the neighboring country. I don’t know if it is a good or a bad sign that he is lying to me about this. But I know the truth and it makes me stronger. Spain or no Spain, it doesn’t matter. I am really depressed these days, just feel a lack of energy. I have hard time to get out of bed and start my day.
But I have my yoga classes and this helps. I think I am better off with my husband around and his taking care of me. Like before he went to Spain he brought me drinking water and toilet paper (I asked him about these items). When he is back I will ask him to take more care of me – to take me out once in a while because I feel so lonely. The problem is that he is traveling a lot on business in May and June and will hardly be around. He is not traveling in the direction of his OW, thanks God. But on the other hand, the more time they spend together the sooner he will come to his senses. Is that correct?
Unfortunately I am not feeling in his LB because every time I see him I remind him what a terrible guy he is and what bad thing he is doing to me. I know I should stop it, he already knows that, I should look like an angel and behave like an angel then he will feel more guilty!
Please drop me a line even if I do not reply quickly.

boy am I glad to hear from you sweetie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Big Hugs* Where are at this time? Are you in USA or elsewhere? I'm a bit confused. Anyways whereever you are.. big hugs ( don't worry about their stupid trips.) Take it from someone who's been there... nothing good ever come out of a coupling that sprouts from lies, deceptions, and stupidity....

BIG HUGS***

Dear Kamara,

Wanted to let you know that I received your e-mail. Will respond tomorrow.

As for that Spain trip, I thought you had to do something for him to make that trip happen? Did you get his passport approved? Is the Ow traveling as his W? Arrrgh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well whether he is at a lake or being chased by a bull (LOL!!!), he can't be having as much fun as if he was with his real family. The WS pretend to have fun but there are times when they cry. Ask my H about his vacation with the OW and how 'happy' he was. At least the version I heard from him was different than the one the OW tried to remember. She attempted to gloss over the time(s) he cried on their 'vacation'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So don't fret to much. We are all sending very negative thoughts out to the A places in Spain right now. You never want to underestimate the MB power that can transcend all regions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hope you area is hot like it has been here. In the 90's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Get out, get some sun and fun. Go to your yoga classes and take up tennis. Maybe the tennis coach will be...... cute?!!??!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

kamara - It is so good to hear from you. Please email me at digsblues@aol.com.

Hang in there. Your WH is still in fogland. Mine is too.

Hello girls:
I tried to communicate with you by email but that doesn’t work for us! I need your opinion again, please.
Today I saw my husband again, went to his office. Yesterday he returned from Mediterranean coast where he went with his OW.
He doesn't look good, you would never tell he has just arrived from Mediterranean coast! No suntan at all. Is it too early for it? I noticed that his hair is very grey, much more grey than it used to be. And he doesn't look like a happy person. But he keeps distance from me - didn't give me a hug or a kiss, neither at greeting nor at farewell. I didn't either. We talked like complete strangers. I don't see how he can come back to me. There is nothing between us - no sexual desire, nothing!
Our daughter called him, she had to discuss some money questions with him. She wrote me a message that he was strange while talking to her. I don’t find him strange. She is going to spend a year in Germany. He told me, you know, it is not the right time for her to go to Germany. I said, what? Hello, if you changed your plans it doesn't mean that we have to changes ours too. We have been talking about her going to Germany for 2 years! He said, no, I don't mean my plans, but I mean that you may need her when in the US and she will not be not around. Wonderful! How about him? I need him and he is not around! I said, let her go, after I am no longer around she would not go anywhere. He didn't say anything. I said, then I will have to stay around for at least one more year and I will stay here, because it is closer to visit her from here. He said, yes.
All this hurts a lot.
Tomorrow there will be a barbeque at work. He will be there and me too. But it is nothing. He will not be around me, we will not be together. People can notice that we have become strangers. I am not sure I should go.
I stopped by a store that sells stuff for camping, the owner is his tennis partner. He told me, Oh, you are back from the States. H. said you were staying in the States for ever this time. So he is preparing the ground! I was upset. We talked a little, I told the I had problems with my health. I didn’t specify what problems. But I will next time I will see him! Now my task is to let as many of his friends know about my disease as I can. So when he introduces the OW everybody knows that he betrayed me!
I am surprised at how people can become strangers after so many years together so quickly? We were not strangers when we were a couple. So why is it?
Maybe I should stop communicating with him at all? He will probably never miss me if we are in contact. What should I do?

Go to the barbecue and hold your head up. I went to my WH's retirement party last week. I was dreading going. Everyone at work knows he has OW. But I went and held my head up and chatted and pretended all was well.

Afterwards I felt great. I showed that I took the higher road.

OH My GOD!

You all are making me cry. What a sad, sad, sad story.

Believer, you are so strong too! You have a great heart!

How is the chemo? Did he go to Spain? Why the h*ll would he want a child when he wants to commit back to you? Did he give you a reason?What? He wants to leave his mark?

I am sorry I never posted on this thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> A little over my head for me. I do want you to know that I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ali

Orchid,

It has been very hot here too! What part of the US to do live in??? Except last week, we went to heat to A/C back to heat and now the A/C. We hit 93 Saturday and Sunday. Ahhhhh, summer at last!

Ali