Please talk to me! - Marriage Builders® Forums

I am sorry I am all over the place. But if I am not nobody talks to me.
I got a call from my husband this morning. Yesterday he tried to reach our daughter but she didn't hear her call phone and didn't answer. He wanted to know if everything was Ok. I said yes, He said, OK then, bye. I said, hold on a moment, let's talk. He said, we will talk in 2-3 weeks, not now. I kept on insisting. He said, stop dictating. You are dictating to everybody what to do. This is probably his reaction to my call to his OW! I didn't dictate to her what to do, she was the one to say - I will end it with him. Most probably she interpreted our conversation her own way. I said, Look, I have chemo on Friday. He said, I know. He was very irritated at me.
I think our marriage is over. He doesn't want to even talk to me. In 2-3 weeks he will tell me he wants to end it.
Please, I need help and support. I don't unerstand what is going on!

[ February 07, 2004, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Pay no attention to him. Of course he doesn't want to talk. He is blaming you to justify his awful behavior.

Mine used to come in the morning, 5 minutes before I had to go to work. I would end up in tears on the way to work. He always said he wanted to get back together, but never came around when there was time to talk. In the evening/weekends he was too busy with OW.

Ignore his behavior. It is typical. When we are hurting so bad, they think they can dictate the whole scene. He will get over this, but it may be awhile.

So how often do you have the chemo? Where are you staying? I'm thinking of you from California.

Kamara, this is a terrible time for you to not be able to have the support of your H. To have to deal with chemo and the marriage problems at the same time is so much. You are a very strong person. and remember you do have God to lean on too.

someone else posted:
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. <hr /></blockquote>Hang in there.

Yes, I am in CA. I have chemo every 3 weeks.
Is it a good sign that he called at all? If he is so mad why is he calling? To make sure I am still alive?
I am staying with my Mom. I have very little privacy so she was there when I got his call. She asked me who that was. I said, well, you don't know. I went to the bathroom to talk to him. she is worrying about me - she sees something is terribly wrong - i don't eat, don't sleep and don't talk to her. If he doesn't call me after my chemo on Friday, or if I don't call him she will get suspicious. I thin it is too early to let her know what is going on. I want to call him and tell him - Please allow me to call you on Friday after my chemo just to pretend everything is fine. Oh should I leave him alone?

I'm in CA too, Oceanside. Where are you? I might have to come hold your hand. You need to tell your mom what is going on. You need the support.

Your H is acting like the typical WH. I'm sure he feels guilty and he should. What a time to pull this crap.

Stay and finish chemo. Does it make you sick? There is no use in going back to him. They all go through the same cycle and you might as well talk to the wall.

Hang in there, I promise things will get better.

Oceanside is in Southern CA, I am in San Francisco. Unfortunately you are far away from me!
Yes, chemo makes me sick. I have 1 chemo every 3 weeks, then I am sick for a week and then more or less back to normal. Now I am in my normal stage and tomorrow I plan to go to SF Ballet. But I really don't feel like going anywhere now! I doubt I will enjoy it!
I don't want to tell my mom. She is old and if we ever get back together she will have bad feelings for him. Now she adores him. I tell her that I am not feeling well and that is the truth!
It is hard for me to believe right now that things will ever get better! How will they get better?

Kamara,

You are welcome to come to SFBayAreaMBer VI. You will get excelent support ... please email **edit** (orchid).

-rh-

[ February 07, 2004, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]

There are lots of MBer's in San Francisco. See redhat's post.

I still think you need to take care of yourself and tell your mom. There is no sense in protecting him, while you are going through this. And when things get better, you can let her know you have forgiven him.

Things will get better. Your H is acting like they all do. As you read here, you will get the hang of it. I can almost predict what my H is going to say before he says it.

Another terrible morning for me! I read Surving an affair yesterday. This sent me to depression. So it takes years to recover from all this! And many families never recover from infidelity. In my present situation years of disaster and stress will definitely kill me. I need love and support to be able to fight my disease.
believer, how can you predict what your husband will do next? I thought all the situations are different. I wish I knew what mine will do next. Can anybody tell me this? He said yesterday, that we would not talk for 2-3 weeks. And then what? He will call me and tell me that he wants to stay with her and suggests that I stay where I am now and don’t go back to him? I just want to get ready for what can happen. If he says he wants to be with me, should I expect that he will continue with his OW? Or should I believe him that it is over? And how can I determine which kind of affair he is having? Maybe if I didn’t interfere with it, it would die its natural death within the next 6 months?
Can anybody answer my questions?

redhat:
Thank you for the invitation. How can I get more information about that? I am now not in the mood for the comedy but I do need support!

Kamara...

You need to realize a couple of things in order to move on. You cannot control what your WH does. You need to realize that most of what he says or does while in the FOG is meaningless, because it's not coming from the man you think you knew. Any interaction he has with you that is negative in any way, gives his FOGGY brain additional excuses to justify to himself that the A is where he needs to be.

Plan A is designed to make you and your marriage the better choice. It takes time, no doubt, and focus and concentration. So does the medical battle you are going through. Our hearts go out to you in this dual battle. But do not give up.

Believer and Finally Learning are giving you great advice. You should definately have a heart to heart talk with your mother, and open your heart to her. You should do this now.

You seem to be looking for a quick fix. You marriage did not disolve to the status where the A took place overnight, neither will the ending of the A and the healing take place overnight. Prepare yourself for the long haul.

Congratulations for reading SAA. You must understand this is a philosophy that must be exercised with a passion to save your marriage. It takes strength and courage and dedication. Apply it one brick at at time, and with the passing of time you will have constructed a foundation for a marriage much stronger than you had before.

For your own sanity, try to stop reacting to every little encounter you have with WH, and think of all that happens while he is in the fog, as a play you are watching. Until he begins to emerge from the fog, you will not fully connect with him about anything. Work your butt off on exercising Plan A, and make YOU the best choice for him. Set your time table and when the time is up, re-evaluate your options.

Good luck...

Kamara,

email orchid ... she is my MB sister ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . She will help you out. There are others also could help you but Orchid is usually available and if she is not she will refers you to others.

Also there is Dv care & Relationship support group for people that having a R problem atChurch of the Higlands. every Tuesday night from 7-9PM.

Hang in there ... -rh-

Kamara
You will have to get the support that you need to heal from other people, not WH. It is sad and not fair, but he is in the fog.
My dad is suffering from prostate cancer that has spread to his spine and leg. It is so awful for me to face this alone, so I know a tiny bit of how terrible it must be for you.
When my H's mom was sick, we spent every weekend with her for 18 months. I worked during the week, took care of 4 kids and went to see her on the weekend. I even neglected doing things with my family and kids to support my H. Now when I need his support so desperately, he is out wining and dining OW.
My dad knows of affair and keeps telling me that my H must be feeling awful. My dad is so kind when talking about WH that it makes me want to GAG. At least I can appreciate who is the better man.

Hi Kamara,
I'm in the bay area too. I think it might be good for you to come out with us next weekend, even if you don't want to go see comedy, maybe just come to dinner. I know in my case it helped to meet people "real" people who have been through it. Orchid has become sort of the unnoficial "keeper of the e-mail addresses". If you send her an e-mail she can give you my address. I'm so glad I met my bay area buds. Just having them there has been an encredible support and I think you need that.

I believe redhat has given you orchid's address and the link to the bay area get together thread.

I hope to talk with you soon.

Kamara,

I can't imagine being in your situation with the dual crises, but my heart and prayers go out to you. I don't have any advice...I'm here getting advice myself on my own posts. But what I will tell you is that I think about the same things you do (Will it ever get better? Is my marriage over?), and my WS is doing the same thing that yours and the others do. Knowing that doesn't make my pain go away, but it at least lets me know I'm not alone. Neither are you.

Hang in there.

LL

Thanks for your support. I went to the ballet today. It was great. I didn't want to go but it had been planned long before. I am glad I went there with my mom and daughter.
Lordslady, i tried to find your postings but didn't. I wanted to read your story. Maybe it is on the other board?
Believer, I am so sorry about your dad. I wonder why they betray us in the worst possible moments when there is enough pain without their betrayal!
I will email orchid. Next weekend I will be after chemo, so I doubt i will be able to go out. But later on I think yes I will be happy to meet people.
I also think of seing a psychic. Does anyone know any good one who either does telephone reading or lives in the Bay Area?

Kamara -
Hang in there. You will have good support up there in the Bay area.

My H came back tonight and we had a huge fight. He thinks I should just forgive him and let him move back in. He was with OW 3 days ago. But he says he wants to work on marriage again.

I told him I can't trust him, and he got very angry. So there will be lots of ups and downs for you. But things will get better.

Are they getting better for you, believer?
Do they all go back and forth? I really don't want to be part of this loop!

Oh my goodness!
My situation is much worse than I thought it would be.
Our daughter called my husband because he called her a couple of days ago and she missed his call. He said that he called her to ask her how I was. She was surprised and asked him why he didn’t call her. He said because we had had a fight. I was shocked! I didn’t say a word to her or my mom. My mom heard this conversation and asked me if everything was OK between my husband and me. I said we had had a fight. Our daughter insisted that I should tell her what happpened. I called him to ask him if he wanted me to tell the family what had happened between us. He said it was up to me. I said, look, it will be very traumatic for our daughter and if he thought that we would have to tell her sooner or later anyway. He said, probably. He said he though I had told her. If he was considering staying with me he wouldn't want me to tell out daughter!
We talked for a while, I told him that I was very emotional on the first day and said to him that I was sorry that I had called his mistress. He said that he was not going to discuss anything with me now, that he was still emotional, that we will talk in 2-3 weeks when we both will cool down and will decide what to do, that he looks upon all this philosophically – what has been done, cannot be undone.
I told him that I was hurting a lot, he said he was hurting too and he apologized to me for what he had done to me and even called my a name that he usud to call. But I think it was out of habit not because he felt any affection for me.
i asked him if he had any feelings fo rme, he said again that he was not going to discuss it now.
He is seriously considering a divorce. I am devastated. I should probably be ready to hear that he doesn’t want to be with me any more.
Please tell me what you think.
-------------
Oh, I forgot to say this. I asked him to call me after I have chemo on Friday because I don't want to tell my mom so far and it would be strange if he didn't call. he said, OK, if I am near the phone at that time. Then he said that he would definitely call over the weekend.
I will not survive in all this. I want him back, I really do!

[ February 09, 2004, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Dear Kamara,

I received your e-mail and replied. There is good support out here in the northern CA area. However your issues are probably never resting. Along with your H's lack of care and concer this is not helping you stay focused on your health. By the way, your imagination is also contributing to your depression.

Now you realize you can't control your H's hurtful behavior to you and your family. Your need to protect them is not healthy for you or them. Yet you ache on telling them.

Here's what I did, when I let family and friends know, I gave only some info and different levels to different persons depending on their abilities and situation. I certainly found it easier to post my thoughts here on MB since many understood. So when I informed others, I 1st said that there is something serious happening to my family and asked for their support. After they said yes, then I said what I am about to say is quite hard and hurtful but not against them.....however I need to know that before I went further that I would listen to what they had to say on the matter but I needed them to respect my decisions. When I got that agreed, then I told what I felt I needed to say.

That really helped. I know each had their own opinion and I could not control that, but they at least in front of me, respected my decision. I don't think all agreed but they all respected my decision and that was enough for me both then and now.

Also I realized I could not control the Ws' actions, but I could control my own. So after a few months of shock, I learned to stop taking his hurt. Instead I worked on improving myself, gave his pain back to him and concenctrated hard on my family, work and myself.

I learned to pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. it was important to improve my health as much as possible.

Communicating with the WS was hard. I learned that e-mails were easier and had less emotion. Posting also helped relieve some of the tension and frustration built up. Keeping a journal, reading and posting here helped keep my imagination from getting the best of me . Depression is quite common among the BS. The sooner your mind and heart get in sync, the sooner you will begin your personal recovery to healing your soul.

You have my #. Call when you need to,.

take care,
L.

Kamara, keep posting. He is still in the fog. He is still confused. IN my case my husband couldn't stay in a fog because he knew better. I say tell your daughter and your mom. THey are going to be your support. Not being able to tell anyone is HARD!!!!!!!!! Someone in the real world needs to know what you are going through. I know its a shame!!! Oh I felt that shame!

I know you want him back, but it is not up to you. It is up to him. He's still confused and want to think about things. Give him time, do not insist, it will only make you feel worse! So please.. take care of yourself sweetie. Things will only go up from now on. I really beleive some of the worse is over.. the SHOCK is almost over at least.

BIG HUGS from Brussels*

Kamara-
Well your H is talking like they all do. It may take awhile before he comes out of the fog. My H is saying he wants to reconcile (again) but I can tell he is still in the fog.

He is blaming me for not letting him move back in. He was with OW 3 days ago and wonders why I don't trust him. The only thing that helps me is going on with my own life and not concentrate on his problem.

So take care of yourself. There will be lots of ups and downs.

I don't believe the shock is over. I am preparing to hear that he is going to end things with me. But I have a feelling that it is not about her but about the fact that I caught him when he was lying and he may not want to continue our marriage with this baggage. Maybe i should let him know that i love him, want to be with him and am ready to forgive.
I know it is now his decision and I cannot influence it, nor can I do anything about his relations with the OW. I cannot control that, I already understood it. I am not trying any more. I will give him time and space he is asking me about.

Kamara,

IMHO your words right now are like spitting in the wind. Your efforts while good are not going to be appreciated by him as such.

So spend more of your energy on you. Have you read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley? Learn what needs you are meeting and then decide if you will still meet them.

As for apoligizing? Don't .....not yet. Let your H know his 'family' love him but not tooo sure about this new character parading around in his body. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Present yourself and your daughter as 1 unit. The family vs the A. Not vs the OW (though I know you want to do that).

Something like:

BS: Your family still loves you but not too sure about the other guy.

WS: What other guy?

BS: The one that keeps hurting us.

WS: Oh, ......

BS: Well, I have some important things to tell the real H, please give him our love, ok?

Ws: ok.....

BS: oh yeah, let him know that I would like to show him some new stuff I found so could you please have 'him' call and we can find out when it best to meet/talk.

Ws: Well howz about.....?

BS: Hm..... not sure. You sure my H can be available? I wouldn't want to talk to that other strange guy, he is too mean.

Ws: um....... I'll check.

Bs: ok, thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Does that sound a bit silly? It is but that is what you rae dealing with. Don't tell all, let him keep wondering what you are up to. The more he wonders about you and your family, the less time he will spend on the OW eventually she will NOT like that.

In our case, the OW even resorted to 'offering to share the WS', the nut thought she was being 'generous by giving me 4 out of the 7 days. What a nut! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So sit back, take care of you, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. A dose of patience is helpful also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

L.

kamara - How are you doing? Please let us know. You are in my prayers.

Well, in general I am not doing well. No contact from my husband. I miss him but stay strong. I am not going to call him. I am very sorry that I started talking to him about the divorce. I am sure he didn't think about that but now I set him thinking about it. I was emotional. I should have told him that we are a family and will fight what has happened together. So half of the situation is of my own making!
I have chemo on Friday and will talk to my doctor and tell her about my situation. She may decide to put me on antidepressants. I can hardly eat or sleep at night, I wake up at 5 am.
I wish he contacted me as soon as possible. I am ready to hear that everything is over between us but I can't stand to be in the limbo! Why does it take him so long to decide? Maybe I should call but not beg of anything but say something like - OK, let’s talk about what we are going to do now. Why wait longer? If we want to end our marriage let’s talk about it now. At least I will know where I am. There is nothing worse than waiting! If he wants to end us why should he wait so long? A weak has passed since I confronted him. Isn’t it enough to decide what he wants to do?

Yes you have 50% responsibility on this M but he has 100% responsibilty on his A. Don't be despair.

PATIENCE. This mess is not happing over night what do you think it will solve in a week or so. Probably patience is what you miss in your M. Take this chance to help yourself to be a better mate.

-rh-

Kamara,

RH is right. Patience is all we need. I am rpaying everyday asking for patience. There is a Chinese saying: Thress feet deep of ice did not form in one day's coldness. How do you expect that ice to melt overnight. If he can not decide, it means somethig in your M worth him to think a while. Give him time, and do your best. That is what I am trying. Rh, Believer and all others always give a lot of intelligent advice and couragement. Hang in here.

Yes, the mess did happen overnight. To me at least. It is not my fault that I got cancer and had to go and leave him alone. This is terribly unfair!

K-

I'm sorry to read of what you've been dealing with and you're absolutely correct, this situation is terribly unfair. The betrayal by your H on top of the fear associated with your illness is too much for anyone to bear alone. Work on getting a support network set up, as I discoverd these groups really do help!! Take it a minute, hour, day and week at a time and you get back on top. Good luck and god bless!!

Kamara- Yes, this is very unfair. And your husband has turned into a rat. But let's stick with how to make things better.

How long do you have to take these treatments? While you are going through them, make this your time to learn and work on MB principles. It takes awhile to really make them part of you.

Then you will be better prepared to work on the marriage. In the meantime you must be patient. It is very hard. But as you read these boards, you will see that there are all kinds of changes in WS. Mine was completely gone for months and suddenly showed up again.

Good luck with your therapy tomorrow. I will be thinking about you.

kamara-

We'll all be thinking about you today. Hope your treatment goes as well as can be expected. I have to go to work, but will check back later.

((((((HUGS))))))

Thanks everybody! i am about to go to my treatment. I will see my doctor today, tell her my story and ask her for antidepresatns. I really need some help to survive all this.
I have this treatment and one more in 3 weeks, then CTScan. If everything is OK then it will be it and will be able to go home. But even if everything is OK my doctor may decide to give me more chemo. So this is unpredictalbe.
I will write more when i am back from my treatment. It takes rather much time.

I hope you can start some anti-D's. You certainly might feel better with all that is going on in your life.

Here is the latest update on my health and my plans for the future. I have had chemo. Thanks God, I have recovered from the previous one though my blood is not that good at all but enough to get chemo. I am anemic of course - I haven't been eating next to nothing for a week. I have lost 7 pounds of weight. Also I have a high blood pressure which I have never had. Must be due to the stress.
Talked to my doctor about my situation. I cried, she was very supportive and understanding. She doesn’t want me to take antidepressants yet, I should try and cope with it myself and if I cannot then she will give them to me. It appeared that the hospital has a big support network for cancer patients which is free. She told me to go into counseling first and then consider anti-D. I started counseling straight away, before my chemo. I will be coming once a week to see my counselor. We decided that it would be a good idea for me to have something to do when I feel normal. She suggested volunteering in the hospital and I agreed. Also there is a big amount of free activities in the hospital for cancer patients – dancing, light yoga, meditations, etc. Also women get together to knit and talk. I will participate in all of them. I hope this will help me to cope with my situation and keep me busy. I will start in a week after I recover from this chemo a little.
We have worked out a plan with my doctor – I will have one more chemo, then CTScan, then will see her and depending on the results, if she decides taht i need more I willtake one here and then go home. If I need more chemos I will have them there. My doctor will supervise my treatment there and I will be coming back for scans and consultations.
I could have done this long ago! I could have had all my treatments there, they have all the necessary medications though diagnosing is not as good there as it is here. Maybe what happened would not have happened if I had not left him alone for such a long time!
My mother is planning to move to another apartment. She is counting on my help, she will not be able to do it without me. This will take about a month, and then I will go. So I am planning to be away by the end of March. A month and a half more. I hope I will be able to stand this!

kamara -

I'm so glad that they have all of this support. Sounds like this will be a good place for you.

I hope you are feeling okay. This is going to be hard for you. But the more you get out and do things, the better you will feel.

Hugs to you from me. You are doing fine.

Well, my husband called me to ask me how my chemo was. This time talking to him was a little better. At least he talked. I told him how things were, we also talked about business. I am developing and supporting sites for his office projects and one of them is on the way now. He asked me to write to him if I have some business problems. Business should not suffer, he said.
He is now working on the project in the city where she lives. It will last for 10 days. I am sure they are together! And will spend all 10 days together, maybe he will live in her place and he will get even more involved with her than before. He told me that he would be back home next Friday and then we would talk. So I have one week more in limbo. I don’t know why he needs this week. Why can he not tell me right now that he doesn’t want to be with me any more?
He said that what is most important now is my health, that I have my mother and daughter here to support me so I should take care of my health and get well again, that our relationship is less important than my health. I said: What? It is very important! He said something like there is a connection between my health and our relations.
I told him that I loved him and that I was emotional when I told him that I wanted a sepation, that I want us to be together. I asked him, if it was important. He said, yes. But that he couldn’t live his life feeling that he is a scoundrel all the time. I don’t know what he meant by that – my opinion is that he means – I cannot give her up, I will see her no matter what but if I am with you I will feel like I am a scoundrel. I asked him if he had some feelings for me. He said, yes, there are feeling, but the questions is what are feelings are they?
I don’t know why he needs one more week to take a decision but I see that the situation is hopeless and expect to hear that we will not be together any more. I am devastated. I just wonder, will he not feel a scoundrel if he leaves a woman in my situation?

[ February 14, 2004, 02:46 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

kamara -

Stay with taking care of yourself and reading about the MB program. WS's all talk the same fogese. They all say the same things.

I used to hang on every word that my H said, trying to figure out what was going on. But it is useless, because the WS is in a fog and not making any sense.

Your H is a scoundrel. He is having an affair instead of supporting you. But that is the choice he made, and not your fault. Hopefully he will come out of the fog, but it usually takes awhile.

So get busy taking care of yourself and getting the support you need. If you were home with him now, you would probably be following him and acting crazy. That's what I did at first, and it does not help at all.

Kamara -

I agree with Believer. I think that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. There have been many times I wished to be somewhere with no memories, a neutral place to deal with all this in my life with WH. And there is so much for you to do there! It will be hard at first, but just go through the motions, and in no time you will realize you are actually smiling again, actually feeling again, actually living again.

And for heaven's sake, tell your mother! She deserves to know, and you deserve to have some sage advice. What she has to share with you might surprise you. Especially since you are staying there for 6 more weeks. You are not your WH mother, you do not need to protect him. And if his business needs are not being met by you, maybe he will begin realizing what you mean to him on other levels, as well. The choices he made are his alone - and I don't think it makes a darn bit of difference of where you were physically when he chose to have his A. Mine did it with my "best friend" right under my nose!

Don't second-guess yourself, don't try and figure out what is going on. And if you don't feel better emotionally, you need to tell your doctor and get on anti-D's. They make all kinds now. Kinds that are in your system in one day, and out in one day. You can quit whenever you want, but before I got mine I was a crazy woman, and now I am calm and focused (75% of the time). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care! You can do this. You are doing this. You will make it. You stay here, and you will come out on the other side of this a better, stronger, healthier person. I promise.

Love, Amy

kamara -

How are things going? I had a very quiet Valentine's Day. I just stayed home and did things around the house.

believer:
Nothing new happened. I am recovering from chemo. I cry every day but started sleeping a little. My husband will be calling me on Friday to talk about our situation. All I can do now is patiently wait for this. I am scared! A long week to go!
I communicate a lot with his office staff right now about the websites and other things. It is a trigger. But he is not there. Everybody likes me and if the news spreads he will look terrible in the eyes of his staff!
A man who leaves his wife in my situation doesn't deserve respect or sympathy. Same about his OW!

You are exactly right. But he may not always be the man he is right now. So stick with the marriagebuilders program.

I am glad to see you posting again.

Dear Kamara,

Also glad to see you posting. I tried calling Sunday. I was at a farmer's market in my area and saw something that reminded me of what we talked about. Maybe we can go do a fun lunch sometime when you are feeling better.

Know that patience is not a virtue for most BS'. Given that piece of info, it is ok to vent here.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

I am not doing well. Yesterday I went to my friend's birthday party. I hoped it would distract me from my stuff. But it didn't. I could hardly wait till it was over. Looks like the only thing I can do now is to sit at my computer reading something on the Internet or communicating with people.
I think my husband distanced himself from me because I called his mistress and interfered with his boundaries. He doesn't know what to expect from me now. I am afraid that on Friday he will tell me something like - you get better and then we will think what to do about the situation. This will be uncertainty again. But I should be patient - the situation will not dissolve overnight, nor will it be solved easily.
I have an appointment for reading today. I am scared. They say she is really good.
I wrote him a business message yesterday night. I published the site and informed him about it and asked some questions. No reply. Well of course this is not urgent but he could have used this message to write me back and ask me how I was. It was so good to write to him even if it was just business. I slept this night I think because I felt a little better. He definitely doesn’t feel or think this way.

kamara -
Chin up girl. No matter what H tells you, he is still in the fog. Stick with us, we will guide you through this.

Kamara.. since you couldn't do plan A.. and did not get the chance to do plan A.. I am assuming you are doing plan B. I know it is hard, but try no contact at all with your husband. I know it is extremely hard, but you're letting lead the way. You're giving him power, and now he feels powerful.. he can control and do whatever he wants to do... specially with your emotions. You cannot let him decide what you do m'dear. SO DO NOT CONTACT HIM! even for business.. do not contact him. I know he said he would call on friday.. if you could avoid that even. I guess you need to know how he is feeling and what he is going to make a as a decision. Know whatever he says is not really what he may feel right now. Although he had lots of time to think about things, he may still be in a fog. Whatever he says do not take it to heart.

I suggest you just listen and say not much as you may be angry and hurt at the same time. Anyways, Know all of us been through almost the same thing. And we're here to help you. Tell us what happened on friday hon.. do not think of friday as a final decision either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> whatever he says beleive not much of it.
You're doing fine so far hon.. hey SMILE even when you don't feel it and it might just come naturally.. I try hard enough to smile each day.. It takes the stress off my heart.

HUGS*

I don't want plan B, I think I should go home and try Plan A! I feel like I am getting more and more distant from my husband. I want my life back - and this is not just him, I want to be in my house and to be able to what I used to do before I came here. If Plan A doesn't work when I am there I think I could start plan B. I will have him to move out and then he will probably miss his life too and the rumors will start spreading. He may not want to lose his social image and become a man who left his wife when she was in the middle of cancer treatment and thus killed her! Maybe this will lift the fog for him!

Hon, do not think that anything you do or say will lift his fog. Been there, done that, and everyone else here has too. In fact, yesterday I read a post on MB that the W went into surgery for her cancer, and her WH didn't show up beforehand. She waited and waited, and made the surgeons wait. And finally they did the surgery, and the WH showed up in the recovery room crying and making all kinds of promises. And the next day he was gone again.

Even if he wants badly to come out of the fog, he cannot. And you don't want him home from pity, anyway. Trust me. He will be gone again, then you would be even more confused and hurt.

The best advice I can give you is what I have heard the veterans say over and over again.

DO NOT CONTACT HIM

DO NOT PURSUE HIM

DO NOT PRESSURE HIM

DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR PAIN - HE CANNOT HELP YOU

The more you do these things, the worse it gets. Trust me. Trust God. You are truly where you need to be right now. He is protecting you (God, not the fogged-in WH). Please trust what you are reading here, and keep posting.

We will all get through this together. You have us, not WH right now. Now is the time for you, not him. YOU.

We love you and are here for you. Keep talking to US. Tell us what you want to tell him. What you want to say to him. I write letters to my H all the time, but I keep them in my notebook. I will give them to him when he comes back. I cannot communicate with WH. He is a stranger, and mean, and I don't want to be his friend. I will wait for the love of my life to come back.

You must do the same. Go to the social activities. It will get easier. Go tell your doctor that you think you do need those anti-d's. Take care of you, and the rest will fall into place.

Love, Amy

Thank you for your support.
I am still waiting for Friday to hear what he has to tell me. I don't expect too much. But I have the right to be home and wait for his fog to lift there. I want my life back, let him move out! I will not communicate with him but I will be at least at home enjoying support of my friends and doing things I am used to! Why should I stay here in my mother's place? I will go home. Our daughter will go there for her summer break as usual and let him tell her what happened. Why should I break the world of my child? Let him do that!

I had a very interesting reading yesterday. She told me a lot, described my husband and even gave his name.
She told me about another woman and said that he would not be with her. She said everything would be fine with us.

Does anyone of you have a reading that later came out to be true?
I received yesterday night his reply to my business message – it is so cold and strictly on business! In the end he writes: I hope you are feeling well. And that is it. A complete stranger! God, my life turned over just overnight!

kamara -

Yes that is how they are. Suddenly they are not the person we knew all of our marriage.

But that usually changes. Please don't be too upset, although I know you are. Take care of yourself.

Sorry, I posted twice!

[ February 19, 2004, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Oh, please please talk to me! Friday is coming, I am waiting for it and for his decision, I am all shaking and cry every day. I am scared to death of his call, yet I can't wait for for him to call me. What if...
Please I need words from you!

Take some deep breaths. What is the worst he can say to you? Imagine it, imagine what you will feel and say, and maybe it won't be so scary.

Have you told your doctor you might need some meds? I really think you should talk to her again about that. You seem to have much anxiety, and there is medicine that can help you think more clearly. Especially since your body is so vulnerable right now. Your mind needs to be more calm. Do not damage yourself to get attention from him. It will not work. If you look and feel like crap, he will not come back to you.

Anyway, the other thing I have to say, is that you are not dealing with your H right now. Try not to take what he says to you personally. Think about if your H that you know and love would say those things to you. If not, it is fogese, and you should listen, but do not enroll in it. Do not argue his feelings with him. If he cannot argue with you, he will have to look inward for his answers. Does that make sense?

PLEASE take care of yourself. He is not worth dying over, or damaging yourself permanently for. No one is. Set a good example for your daughter. Let her see that you are staying level-headed, you are taking care of yourself FIRST.

You know on the airplane how they say if it is going down, to put on your oxygen mask first, then put on your kid's? That is what you need to do now. And not just for your daughter, but your WH is lost in the fog. He needs a strong W to come back to, someone he can have confidence in. He cannot take care of you right now - although he should - but he cannot.

We will all get through this together! Have hope! So many people have saved their marriages using these strategies. You are at the right place. Hang in there, and good luck.

Love, Amy

kamara -
We are here for you. I am really worried about tomorrow. Your H still is in the fog, and I doubt he is going to give you what you need. WS's hardly ever do.
But hang in there and remember that you are very early in this. Don't expect too much.

Thank you very much for your support. It helps as usual.
What am I dreading to hear?
1. That he doesn’t want to continue this marriage and wants to move in with OW.
2. That he knows that he should support me now but he is so much in love that he cannot leave her right now no matter what.
3. That he hasn’t decided on what to do yet, so I should continue with my treatment and then come home and we will decide. Meanwhile let’s stay out of contact.
4. That he is tired of being alone all the time and doesn’t want to be so anymore

That is what occurred tome but ther maybe many more things tha he can tell me and I will go to pieces.
Should I not lose hope?
I don’t look like crap, strange as it may seem, I look good. Everybody says I do!
I am taking a sleeping pill to be able to sleep tonight! And maybe more than one!
What chance is it that his decision will be final and no matter what I do he will remain in the fog?

[ February 19, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Oh kamara, don't worry what he will say. He is still in the fog. He may say he is desperately in love, she is his soulmate, he never loved you, it just happened, they are just friends, he needs to find himself, needs space, needs to follow his heart, blah, blah, blah.

That is what they all say. It is just fog talk. So I am worried that you will take his talk seriously. You cannot do that. It is still too early. There is a lot more to come. It is harder for you than for the rest of us, because you need him now while you are going thru the treatment.

Please take your sleeping pill (only one, girl) and know that this will turn out all right. Stick with the MB program. You may be like me and when he wants to come back, decide that you don't want him. But don't worry about it now.

Hugs and nite nite. Will talk to you tomorrow. Rest tonight and be calm.

I also worry that he will not call on Friday as he has promised!

Dear Kamara,

Worrying is not healthy for you. So if you 'have to' worry, worry about what U have control over.

Whether he calls or not, what is important is how you will react. Have you figured it out yet?

L.

Orchid, I think hearing something from him is better than the limbo I am in, uncertainty and maybe false expectioan of somehting!

Kamara -

What you hear from him tomorrow may not be better than not hearing from him at all. I know how hard it is to wait, and to hear things you do not want to hear. But I think you need to stop fighting the process. It will unfold as it will unfold. No matter how upset you get, it will not speed up.

It is like you are thrashing around in a place you don't want to be - because you don't want to be there. I know - I did the same thing! But you need to find your center, and hold still. Does that make sense?

We all love you and support you and are worried about you. Get some rest, and post in the morning. I will be looking forward to it.

Love, Amy

well, I hope to hear from you tonight Kamara. How are you? Don't put yourself in a limbo. YOu are becoming dependent of his foggy words, which might mean nothing. So don't worry sweetie! I hope that he does call because that is what you want to feel better, but if he doesn't do not hurt yourself over it. Just calm down, talk to us, or talk to your daughter or anyone that that knows about the affair. He is not really your support system now.

SO I want to know what's up ok?
If he calls, tell us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If not .. tell us too and how you're feeling about it.

BIG HUGS***************************

So I talked to my husband and he said that it was over between us, that he didn’t want to be with me any more after what happened. He knows that he behaves like a scoundrel and will look like a scoundrel in everybody’s eyes, will be condemned by everybody, even by his own family. But he cannot pretend that nothing happened between us and that our relations cannot be the same. I said I would come home after treatment, he said, fine, if you want to live here, come, but I will move out. He also said that we had a chance in December when I first found out but we missed it and now there no more chances for us. He said he should have ended it with her then, but he didn’t, etc. He probably meant that I shouldn’t have looked at his email or talked to his mistress. I don’t know if he is with her, I don’t know if it is about her or about us.
I have just told my mother. I told him that I didn’t want to tell our daughter about it and let him do it. He did, OK, I will. He said: I understand that she may never want to talk to me again. But I cannot continue living with you pretending that nothing happened. You will never trust me again.
I said, let our daughter come to our place for summer vacations as usual and then tell her. He said, it is not fair, she should decide if she wants to come knowing the situation. He is right. We didn’t yell at each other, were not emotional. I am absolutely numb now. Does it look like a fog? He doesn’t want to work on our marriage. Also he told me that he was tired of living alone for so long. It is not the first recurrence of my disease, I have had it several times and was treated here. He lived there alone, I came and went back for treatment and lived with him in between the treatments. Everything was OK. He understands that I need to live in the States and he due to his work wants to be there so we do not have future together anyway. I understand that he is tired of my disease.
My mother is mad at him. I ask her not to be mad. He said that my health was important to him, that he is not talking about a divorce right now but we will not be a married couple any more.
Do you think there is any perspective for me here?

He is still in the fog and throes of the fantasy of the A. Continue to Plan A him. Concentrate on your health and on mother and daughter.

Put him on the back burner. This may go on for awhile, so prepare yourself. How old is your daughter?

My daughter is 20.

Kamara, darling.. he is still in the fog. It's the same thing all WS use. I know this isn't the answer you were looking for, but this is what his mind is telling him right now. He sounds so confused. He may not be confused. look, he's telling you that the reason he can't be with you is because of what happened. Then again, you want to be with him.. can't he see that? THis is FOG talk babygirl. HOLD ON! I am glad you told your mom... this could not remain a secret.

All my love to you,

HUGS* Continue your treatment, do not run back home just like that. Take your time and take care of yourself.. just like all of US HERE BS! TAKE CARE SISTER!

Kamara - How are you doing now? The WS's are all the same. He is deep in the fog. Saying that it could have worked out in December is just more blame shifting. They all do that also.

Personally, I would tell my daughter. She deserves to know what is going on. Your H is probably not going to do the right thing. He will very likely avoid her.

And yes, your mom should be mad at him. I am mad at him. Don't try to protect him from the consequences of his poor choices.

Kamara -

Well, you survived one of your worst fears. I did too! I thought when my H told me that, I would die. And then after he did, I continued to live. I even woke up the next morning. Shocked the sh** out of myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So, where do you go from here? I panicked, thrashed around, cried, screamed, demanded, pouted, and all kinds of other nasty stuff. And when I was done, I was still in the same spot. I did, however, feel better a few days later.

You will, too. Get a support network going. Rally your girlfriends. We are all here for you.

It is all fogese. I have heard it all from my WH. Either he comes back or he doesn't, but either way, I will be OK. Because I didn't betray myself, I didn't hurt anyone, I can look at myself in the mirror in the eye every morning. WH cannot. He won't be able to until he comes clean with himself, which means coming clean with me. His stuff is not my stuff. Same with you.

Take care. We are worried. Please post.

Love, Amy

I have just called him again and we talked. Strange as it may seem I feel a little better after talking to him. He said that we could exist only I didn't find out. I asked him to give our marriage another chance. He said, you must realize that if I communicated with her while I was with you that is serious. I understand this.
I told him, everything passes, this will pass too. He said, if it passes then we will see what will happen, but I do not know how much time it may take - maybe a day, maybe a couple of months, maybe never.
I don't want to live any more!

kamara-

No don't get so depressed. Your H is still in the fog. He cannot help you right now.

Please take care of YOU. Please be strong enough to get thru this. We will be her for you. Do not give up now.

Kamara,

I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way too. But Believer is so right. Don't count on him. We need to count on GOD and take care of ourselves.

I almost wish I were there, but I'm not, so I will have to do a cyberspace reinactment of what has to happen here:

Slap Slap

Shake Shake

Come out of it, woman!

Shake Shake

He is all foggy! Do not listen to his words! He has no clue what he wants right now! He is acting like a schmuck, but he is not himself.

Please do not talk like you do not want to live. Would you think it foolish if your 20 year old daughter said that about a man? Any man that she was involved with?

You can do this! Do not doubt yourself! Take care of yourself!

We are here for you. Keep posting. Keep talking to us. Keep typing!

Hugs. We love you. Amy

Thanks for you rlove, girls!
I think this "schmuck" really doesn't know what he is doing! I wouldn't have done this to him!
Just talked to a very insightful friend of my friend. He used to be a PI. His prospective for my situation is very good. He says that I should just sit here and wait and take care of myself (everybody here tells me this but I would not listen!) H may wake up one day and see what he has done and be willing to get back with me. He is sure this will happen. And pretty soon. My mom also has this presentiment that he will be back sooner or later. But I don't know. Not all of them come back. Is that right? I am sure the fog always lifts but sometimes it is already too late to change things! All they have to do is to be sorry for what they have done.
My H has damaged our marriage so badly. Unbelievable!

OK, looks like my cyber-slapping did the trick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You sound better. And no, they don't always come back. However, by that time, I believe you will be OK either way.

He has made a mess of your marriage. It is the nature of the A. But it happened, and now we all must move on the best we can and take care of ourselves.

Looking good and living well are the best revenge!

BTW, when I mentioned the other day that if you look and feel like crap, he won't come back, I didn't mean you have to be physically attractive for him to come back (although I am glad you look good!). I meant that you doing those things to yourself will not make him come back (by making him feel bad). After re-reading my post, I realized that I wasn't clear.

Hang in there. We do all care about you. You are going through so much, and you are a very strong and capable woman.

I am 8 weeks into this ordeal, and I have been with my WH since I was 16. I did not know I could be strong without him. All my friends did, but I did not. Now I know I am stronger than I ever imagined, and I really like the stuff I am made of. I did not know either of those things 8 weeks ago.

Gotta find the silver lining. Take care. You will find your silver lining, given more time.

So strap in, expect it to take time, and make yourself as comfortable as possible in the process.

Hugs and love. Amy

kamara - Hang in there girl. There is a lot more to come. You can do this.

amy - I think you will be our official cyper-slapper. Expect to be on-call.

Aye-aye, Captain! Can and will do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Another terrible morning. I cannot get out of bed. I want to sleep for hours and hours in a row and never get back to reality. I need anti-depressants but they are not good for kidneys. I have chemo destroying my kidneys already. But I feel like I really need to get away from reality somehow. He is destroying me and has no mercy!

Kamara -

Please do not make me fly over there! And drag you up out of bed. And shake you up.

You are destroying you. You are giving him too much power. You need to be using all your power on you right now. Maybe since you cannot get anti-D's, you should walk yourself down to the chapel and talk to a clergy member. God is the only love you NEED in yourself.

WH love is what you want. I think you need to clarify to yourself what you NEED and what you WANT.

If I can get through this, trust me, you can as well. 8 weeks ago I was a frightened, fearful, scared, hurt, angry, pathetic ball of emotions that I let make me miserable. Which is normal!

Feel them, and let them pass through you. Take your mind away from where it is. Control you. Read some books, rent a movie, write a letter, call an old friend, go to the chapel, turn on your favorite music and sing as loud as you can to it.

I used to play Christina Agulara's "Thanks for making me a fighter" song over and over and scream the lyrics. My kids thought I was going nuts, but now they see I am OK, and they don't really even remember. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know, I am a nut. I want you to do something nutty today. Go outside and SCREAM! Do the Tarzan call! Sing! Cry and beat the crap out of your bed. I did that for one full day, with a lot of screaming involved. And the next day, I felt so much better!

Don't keep it all in. Process, let go, take care of you.

We are worried. Keep posting. Keep typing at us.

Love and hugs! Amy

Amy Maree:
Thank you for worrying about me. I will get out of bed. But let me get over this first couple of days of shock. I want to call my WS and tell him I am not surviving and that he is killing me. That we cannot separate right now, not in my situation. Let him have his mistress and keep the family. I will look the other direction. If no I will ask him to come and stick a dagger into my back. That would be more human!

[ February 21, 2004, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

kamara-

I see how you are feeling. Try your best to take care of you and not focus on him. The more contact you have with him, the worse you will feel. See if you can go out walking. Exercise will help like the anti-D's.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

Thank you, bieliver.
Do you know if begging and trying to persuade them ever helps?

[ February 21, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

I know for a fact that it does not. He is simply incapable of doing what you want him to do for you right now. Period. The end.

I said all that stuff to my WH. "Open another artery! Do you need more of my blood? Do you enjoy this pain you see me in?"

Nothing. In fact, it made him run further from me. You see, he felt pressured to end my pain, but the only way he knows to do that is D. He cannot help me, except in his mind to cut me loose. So, the more you beg and plead, the more he feels pressured to make a hasty decision.

Back off. Make him wonder. Do the opposite of what he expects at this point. He fully expects you to beg and plead. Give him silence.

Leave him alone with his own thoughts. He is torn, he is in pain. If you could see him right now he probably looks like crap. His mess is his alone. Take yourself out for now. You can do nothing for him until he is ready for you to. And he will let you know when that time comes.

Hugs and love, Amy

Amy:
He is not in pain! That is what he says to me. He says that he takes everything philosophically. And wants me to take them philosophically. He was in pain for a couple of weeks but not any more. I doubt he looks like crap. His voice sounds fine at least.
You think he WILL let me know when the time comes? Do you think the time will come?

[ February 21, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

kamara - The time will come, but I'm worried about you. It is a waste of time to try to reach them now. My H walked out the door to see his girlfriend and left me crying in a heap on the floor.

He is changing now, but too late, I think. The more you obsess and go through pain, the harder it will be to ever forgive him. So get busy thinking and doing something else.

Why is it late for you, believer? You don't want him back? How much time passed?
What if my H and OW will live happy ever after?

kamara -

No they won't be happy. Something that starts out so ugly will not end in happiness. The statistics are that only 5 percent get married, and then they have a 75% chance of divorce. Like it says in the Bible, you reap what you sow.

I think it is too late for us because there has been too much hurt. I am a simple person, easily contented. This has been going on a year now. My H is never satisfied, nothing is ever good enough.

He stopped giving me money, we went bankrupt, I lost contact with my grandchildren, who I was very close too. His kids who I feel like my own are taking his side. I helped raise them. I have caught him telling lies over and over. He says he has NC with OW, then I catch them in bed together. I spent every weekend with his mom, when she was sick - for 18 months. Now my dad is seriously sick - prostate cancer that has spread. My H has been no support.

So I am pretty much done with him. I always thought it would be forever, but can't see a way out of this.

HOWEVER, I am happy, my life is going well. I do things and get out. I enjoy every day. You will get there too.

SO TRUE!!!!!!!!! You see the trees you planted! And you see... my H figured that out fast! ha ha.. He couldn't have a life what that girl.. the fact they don't even know each other. And this was an ugly start! Anyways.. don't worry they will never make it... because he had to break something else to make it!!!!!

Babygirl... chin up!! love you much!

That's exactly right kamara. And I think you know, having gone through all this, how important your family is.

I kinda feel sorry for my H. He is off chasing rainbows, while he has it all and doesn't even realize it.

You see, believer, I cannot work any more because of my cancer. I depend on his insurance. It covers only 80% of medical expenses. We cover $6000 out of pocket a year. I cannot doit without him. That's a lot of money. Since he is working abroad I am probably not protected by the US laws. We have a daughter in college, se is in her third year. I am worried about the finances and my daughter’s future. I doubt in a year I will have a good life at all. I have a spread cancer and my doctor's estimate for my life is 2 years. Without treatment it will be a year. So I do not see anything good for me in the future. The only thing I could have is living the rest of my life in piece knowing that I have my family and they love me and will grieve me. He has taken that from me. I do not have time on earth to wait for him to come back. So what to do? To wait for the end? Yes, that is all I have now!

Thank you for your love, girls.
It helps to know that he willnot be happy with her. But I hope I will live long enough to see it!
Harudah,how long did it take your husband to come back?
He says he is not hurting about me or the situation. That he has alrady moved on. Has he? Is it possible to move on in 2 weeks after so many years? He wants to keep communication though. To write each other eamil and call once a week. Why? For me or for himself?

[ February 21, 2004, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

kamara -

Have you read manolinman's post on cancer, infidelity and death? It is extremely sad. It might give you a vision of how your H will feel if he loses you.

My best friend had breast cancer that spread. Her doctor gave her 2 years. Well she joined hospice and they finally had to kick her out. She lived 8 more years, and only died because she didn't want to take meds anymore - they made her "fat".

So if I were you, I would enjoy every single minute of my life, with or without H.

No, I haven't read manolinman's post. Where can i find it?

kamara - I bumped it up to the top of general questions. I will warn you. It is very sad.

Thank you, believer I have read it. But I think my situation is slightly different. Mandolinman's wife didn't know about his OW. If she had found out I am sure he would have broken it off with OW. He wouldn't have told her that their marriage could exist only if she didn't know. He wouldn’t have left her to die alone like my husband did.
Maybe my H will fell very bad after I go but it will be too late for me. I need his support now. It is crucial to me!

No he probably would not have broken it off with OW. Most do not, right away. I know that you need your H right now. I just don't know what to do about it.

Thank you, believer. Nobody can do anything right now. I just hope that the fog will disappear quickly and my husband will understand what he has done.

kamara -

I wish you could come down and visit Southern California. We could go to Disneyland, then sit on the beach, and watch the waves. Then we could go down to Mexico and dance the night away.There are lots of wonderful things in life, besides our WS's.

You know what, believer? If you are serious, I think I really could come!
It is probably 6 hours driving ro LA from here. maybe a little more but I could make it!

kamara -
I am serious. Why don't you fly down and we will do it. We will go to Disneyland, go to the beach and go dancing in Mexico.

We will have fun, and I will take care of you, hug you, pat you on the head, and be there for you.

Thank you, believer.
How could we discuss our plans? You think driving is not a good idea?

kamara-
No I don't think driving is a good idea. You need to fly. I will pick you up at the airport. I will buy your ticket. Let me know when you can come. Email me at digsblues@aol.com.

believer, I have just sent you a message.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Believer, you have brought sunshine to my heart today. Kamara, please go and enjoy yourself. Give Believer a hug from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

wow... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

awww I love this. I hope you guys have a blast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kamara -

I got your e-mail. So now we can e-mail and talk. I hope you will come, and I'll start looking for MB folks in this area. Maybe we can get together. I already know of a couple people.

I want to go! I want to dance in Mexico! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You gals are so great. I cannot wait to hear about the plans, who is going, and what you all do. Wow. I have chills all over.

Of course, I am slightly hung over, but I think the chills are for all the love and compassion I see on this site each day. This is an outstanding example.

Love and hugs, Amy

Amy -
You already had your dancing night, now it is our turn.

Hello, girls!
Another terrible morning for me. When will t be over?
believer, I am trying to call you but your line is busy. Maybe you could give me time when I could call you?

Why is it terrible? Has anything new happened, or is it just sadness?

We totally understand. We have all been there. Each day, when you wake up, it is getting better. It is so small, you do not notice it now. But you will soon.

It has been 8 weeks for me, and I am 180 degrees different than I was then. I feel so much better, I wanted to say 360 degrees, but I'm concerned that would put me back where I started, so I've just turned around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm trying to be witty, but it might not be in the cards for me today. At least for a little while longer, until my body has fully processed all the beer from last night.

Karmara, you all are going to have so much fun. And please know that in spirit, I will be right there with you girls. With all of you. Dancing and laughing and living.

You have found something very special in Believer. Stay here with us and post post post!

What's going on with you today? Type at me girl!

Amy

Nothing new, Amy. Just foing from hope to no hope. When there is a hope i feel good, when no I feel like I don't want tlive any more. I want my marriage back and I don't know how to fight for it!

oops - I will get off computer.

Well, it sounds like you are going to get to talk to Believer. Please post about your fears and feelings. Sometimes, getting them out in the open takes the power out of them.

Like when the A is exposed, it becomes much less potent.

Hang in there. I am thinking about you.

Amy

Hi girls:
Another terrible day for me. I spent it with my daughter. She lives on the university campus. She doesn't know yet - I don't want to disturb her during her midterms. There were lots of triggers everywhere - how during his last visit we were there all together, we passed the motel where we had spent the night. The daughter started talking to me about her plans for summer - we had planned a lot. This will not happen. Or maybe it will happen for her but not for me. This summer it is his mother's 80th birthday. We were planning to go there together. My daughter may go but I doubt I will! This hurts and I cannot stand it any more. I will take valerian pills, as I cannot take anti-D, they calm me down and it helps.

i want my life back! I really do.
Is it possible that he never thinks about me? That there are no triggers for him?

Well hello, there! I'm sorry you are having a poopy day again. Those are to be expected at this point, though. If you can, take comfort knowing that what you are feeling is "normal," and that time will make it better. I wish I could give you more comfort. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My WH, during his extremely few unfoggy moments, claims that he thinks about me every single day, especially at night before he goes to bed. I don't know WHAT he thinks about in regards to me, since he claims he never loved me, but that is what he says.

I'm sure there are triggers for your WH, too. I just don't think you can be with someone, with your family, that long and not have fond memories - even though there is NO WAY they will admit it while fog-bound. So, I don't think you will get any satisfaction from him in that area. I don't think he'll tell you anything you want to hear in that department. Or probably any other department anytime soon.

Maybe not expecting anything will ease the pain of not getting anything. That is kind-of where I'm at.

Did you have a good conversation with Believer today? She has dropped off the Boards today. I hope we all survive over here on our own until she comes back to get us all in line again!

Hugs, Amy

I'm back. A person has to go have fun once in awhile. I went fishing (in the rain) with my boys and their friends.

Chin up everyone. We will all stick together.

Good morning everybody!
I want to ask you all a question - how did this incredible stress affect your health?
I am afraid I will not be able to survive the double stress. I have a desire to call my husband and cry, cry and cry. I don't understand how can one person kill another one in cold blood? He is physically killing me. How can he not understand this?

I want to sleep days and nights for a week to survive this terrible period of time I am having. Maybe I should do this?

Hi, Karama,

I am here. I know exactly how you feel. Just come here, we are all with you. Let me give you a cyber hug. I cry with you. Don't call him. Crying to him is to tell him that I am pitiful. he will turn his head away. I know that a magical healing is for him to turn back and hug you, and say I love you. But they won't. At least now. Maybe in the future. So just hang in there.

Lostnhurt,

I am having the same feelings that you are having this morning. I thought that we, my H and I were doing much better, but I was the only one thinking this I guess.

He will not come back to his family 100% yet. He will remind me that we are seperated so I guess this means that he can do whatever he wants huh!

I did call him. Idiot! Why don’t I listen to anybody!
But I feel a little better now. He said that he is also in pain and suffering but cannot do anything. He told me some new things – that if he hadn’t come here to visit me our relationship may have continued for a while. That he made a effort to stay with me when I first found out, that he was ready to pack and go the moment I found out, that he was concerned about my health situation and tried hard but he cannot any more. That living separately took its toll – our relations changed and there is no way back. He did everything to keep me happy but cannot any more. he said, he doesn’t want to give me any hope – there is no hope. Then he says that if I hadn’t found out he would have probably written to me and told me that he was ending our relations. He said that he understands that he is taking the curse upon himself and that the God will punish him for what he is doing to me but he cannot continue it with me.
While we were talking there was a call on his cell. It was 11 pm his time, it was definitely she who was calling. He didn’t stop talking to me. I asked him to try and help me. I sighed and said, OK, I will help you. I don’t know how he will help me though.
I am afraid that if I get out of his life he will easier let it go.
I told him our daughter wanted to go to his mother’s birthday in summer. He said, of course she can.
Girls, I am done. He is deeply involved with her, that is clearer and clearer to me!
How to survive all this?

Karama,

I know exactly how you feel. Stop thinking of him for a while. This is hard to do. I knew that I failed. But maybe that is the only thing we can do. believer should have better advice. I don't feel that I am qualified to give you any advice now. But I am here to be with you and support you. Hug, Hug. God loves you.

Kamara -

You just have to hang in there and take care of yourself. I had a big blowout with WH tonight. I told him I am tired of our marriage being dishonored by him and OW. It got really ugly with lots of LBs on my part. I guess I just fell off the MB wagon.

Even though it does not seem like it, your WH is probably feeling very badly. Do not give up. Get on with your life.

Believer -

I, too, am falling off the MB wagon. Just kind-of in slow motion. It was so cruel that WH made me sit through an awards ceremony with OW. Horrible. What can he be not thinking??? How can someone remember to eat or breath with that little brain left?

Why would I want to be with someone capable of this horror??? Amy

Amy, I am so sorry for you! I should also ask myself this question - why should i want to be with somebody who left me in such a hard situation?
Believer, yes, I am sure my h is feeling very badly. He said to me that he was suffering and in a lot of pain but... But what? I didn't ask him what. I think it is only the beginning for him. I will be all the time between him and his OW. And he definitely doesn't want people to know about what he is doing, he says to me all the time - if you come here, I will move out and everybody will know about it. So what? I am not doing anything. I will get a lot of support from everybody and he will not look like a hero.
He always talks about being a scoundrel and that people and God will punish him for that. He difinitely doesn't want to be a scoundrel! Otherwise he wouldn't have talked about it. I wonder how long he will play the role of a scoundrel? It looks like OW bewitched him!

Yep, that is what it seems like. He is bewitched. At least he knows he is a scoundrel. My WH feels sorry for himself and says he needs my support. I told him I cannot support him any longer. Go to her for support.

GOOD LORD! Maybe I started the trend. All of us are falling apart. That's crazy. Everyone calm down... have some orange juice. Do some jumping jax... take a warm shower and post back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HUH GIRLS?!!!! I love you guys!!!

We all have so much love to give, we all have so much pain inside, but you know what? OUr love is still there and we must love all around us and those who cherish that love. So.. big hugs to you guys. WHen I was falling apart the last two days, you guys held me through.

Don't you guys fall apart! It's ok to have bad days.. this is just a bad day .. huh girls?

"Quand t'aurai ta place FONCE..IL FAUT BRISE LA GLACE... et surtout rester SURE de toi!"

"When you have the chance jump. You have to break the glass and make sure you stay confident."

MMUUAWH!!!

Brown Eyes - Destiny's Child

Remember the first day when I saw your face
remember the first day when you smiled at me
you stepped to me and you said to me
I was the woman you dreamed about
remember the first day when you called my house
remember the first day when you took me out
we had butterflies although we tried to hide
and we both had a beautiful night

The way we held each others hand
the way we talked the way we laughed
it felt so good to find true love
I knew right then and there you were the one

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you know that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

Remember the first day, the first day we kissed
remember the first day we had an argument
we apologized and then we compromised
and we haven't argued since
remember the first day we stopped playing games
remember the first day you fell in love with me
it felt so good for you to say those words
cause I felt the same way too

The way we held each others hand
the way we talked the way we laughed
it felt so good to fall in love
and I knew right then and there you were the one

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you know that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

i'm so happy so happy that you're in my life
and baby now that you're a part of me
you showed me
showed me the meaning of true love
and i know he loves me

I know that he loves me cause he told me so
I know that he loves me cause his feelings show
when he stares at me you know that he cares for me
you see how he is so deep in love
I know that he loves me cause its obvious
I know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tells his soul

He looks at me and his brown eyes tell his soul

My love isn't like that anymore. I thought it could be stronger with this blow, but no. My husband doesn't love me the way I love him. It's ok. NO TEARS! I am still smiling and remembering the good days. And the bad is very apparent... but that's ok. That is life. I am accepting!!!!!!!! OMG.. I thought this day would never come!

OK, Kamara. I am doing what I keep telling you to do. I am pulling myself up by my bootstraps.

Or, in my case, my Birkenstock straps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I need to get my head back on straight.

Believer, I do not know how you have managed to stay on this ride for this long. Just looking at her and having her speak to me last night was horrible. I couldn't imagine the pain and emotions brought up by actually catching them in the act.

You deserve sainthood. Now that Mother Teresa is gone, who is in charge of coordinating that? I need to make some calls, apparently.

I wonder if it will be cheaper to have Harudah make some calls for me from Brussels. I still need to look that place up on the map.

Anyway Kamara, use your humor. It seriously is laugh or cry, you know. Post me a funny story. Or something zany you have done. Or, more challenging, find humor in something incredibly unhumorous.

It is a challenge. I double-dog dare you to make me smile today!!! Sometimes, cheering up others can cheer you up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugs and love, Amy

Girls:
Do you think there is a chance that my husband will change his mind and decide to work on his marriage?
I doubt it more and more. Who would want to work on their marriage with somebody who is having cancer and may pass away any moment? I doubt he would miss me but he may not want to be a scoundrel for the rest of his life! That is my only hope!

I think he will be back. You have been married a long time. I think he is stressed and giving himself a nice little fantasy vacation - the scoundrel!

Thank you for your support, biliever. Meanwhile I called the headquarters of his organization to find out how I will be protected in case of divorce. I can only talk to people who do not know me (a lot of people there do know me and can even recognize my voice). I was unable to reach anybody but have some names of people who would be able to answer my question and I will call them later today or tomorrow. I didn’t give any names – but I am sure the rumor will start spreading around – somebody is about to separate over the OW! People are always interested in such news! And if we legally separate or just separate people will put 2 and 2 together and know who is leaving the wife for the OW! There is no way he could hide from his colleagues the fact that he is a scoundrel! And I will not be the one who has spread the rumor! I just called anonymously to find out about my rights. Every decent person would do that!

Good for you. Please don't feel like you have to protect him. He is the one who is acting poorly.

Be sure to call again and find out. That will give you some peace of mind.

It might, but it will not if they don't deal with it! I just don't want the rumor to spread before I feel we can't reconcile. But if they do some legal provisions for that I will feel much better and secure and will probably be able to talk to him differently!

Bad news, girls!
I am not protected by CA laws since he is not here. I can get a divorce here but not a spouse support. But even if I could get it, the organization he is working for is not withdrawing anyting from their employees paycheck! I just talked to an administrative director. I am at my husband's mercy! It is hard to be at the mercy of a scoundrel! God, I am ruined, I have lost everything!

[ February 24, 2004, 06:57 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

No you have not lost everything. You can still not divorce your H. I think he will still support you, because he does not want to be a scoundrel.

Also you can apply for social security disability if you have ever worked here.

If that does not work, you can get Medi-Cal.

Sorry you are going through all of this, but you do have options. Hang in there, girl.

Kamara,

Did you hear this: When a door is shot, GOD will open another one for you. hang in there. Believer's advice is good.

Yes, i did work in this country. That's good advice. Thank you. No matter what my husband may decide I need to know that I can live without him. The problem is that it is very hard to get SS disabilty for cancer. Only if my doctor states that my cancer is terminal. But anyway, I should try and get it and Medical. We have dicussed it with my mother and she agreed to it!

Kamara -

See, things are looking up already. Much more information and options that you thought you had. And we are right here with you, all the way.

Hang tight. You can do this. You are one strong lady. Given a bit more time, you will see in yourself what we can all see in you right now.

You are powerful. Hugs, Amy

What is happening my dear? Luckily you are not down here now. We are having a huge storm and it has been blowing and raining like crazy.

I am bad, had another terrible night. Things don't get better. We also had a storm.

Seems like lots of members here are having a bad time lately. Hang in there.

It is still pouring down rain and blowing here. The weather kind of fits my mood.

((((((HUGS)))))

Girls!
I just found out that my H's OW is a memeber of the Board of Directors of a bank. I found this info ont he Internet. It is not a big bank, its capital is about $1500000. I don't know much about it but it seems to me that it is a small bank. So she must be relatively rich and is not after his money. Also it means that she is a clever and mature person. I don't know yet if it good or bad news. Probably it is bad!

If she is clever and mature, why is she messing around with a married man? But at least she is not after his money - that will leave more for you.

How did your daughter do on her mid-terms, or has she taken them yet? My boss graduated from her school and he is very very smart.

Thank you for asking, believer.
My daughter is in the middle of her mid-terms. One has to be smart to be in that school!

kamara-
Are you getting out and doing anything? You need to do that you know.

I've been keeping busy and things are going well. I saw H last Monday and that was kind of a downer. But now I'm back on Plan B (again) and doing fairly well.

yes, i do something. I went out to belly dancing tonight. I exercise from time to time. Bu there is not much for me to do unfortunately! And i am pretty lonely here. I do have friends, but they work hard and have very little time for me. Going out alone is not fun!

[ February 27, 2004, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Girls:
I have just received a message from my husband. He had received a request for information from his company's headquarters. He forwarded it to me asking me to send them the information (because I have it and he doesn't) and cc it to him. He didn't even ask me about my health! He doesn't give a damn about me or my health. I am just shocked. If nothing else it is impolite! People I harly know pray for me and ask me how I am. But my husband completely ignores me. Is he sane?

Kamara -

Well, no, I don't think he is sane. I am sorry he is being so mean, and downright rude to you! He is being a horse's [censored], and making a fool of himself. A scoundrel even!

You just take care of you, and let him deal with his guilt and shame. Because I believe that is what drives their cookey behavior.

You are in my prayers. And I want to know how you are feeling. How is your health? What's going on with you?

HUGS! Amy

HUGS AND KISSES FROM BRUSSEL~

Remain professional, at the end you'll need your dignity. You are on plan B...sorta...

It's no contact.. do not show him your pain like that. He will think he is control. I know its hard, just act like he no longer have any responsibility towards you. Please do that. Live for yourself, and your daughter, and I know your mom is supporting you. We're here also. Don't worry about him, he isn't much help right now. He maybe in some time, but you see.....he can't even make a choice right now. I am just telling you the truth. I will not sugar-coat anything because I beleive its lying. I want to tell you right now from the state of your husband, he isn't ready for reconciliation or coming home to you. He may never come back and stay with the OW, but know these things never last long. The excitement will be over soon. I want you to be a strong woman and take matters into your own hands. You're working aren't you? GOOD.. you work, you take care of you, and I know its hard.. "IGNORE HIM"

LOVE YOU <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

kamara -
I missed your call last night. I went out to the casino gambling all my money away. It was so fun. Really I just stay on the penny machines so I only lost $15.00. I had fun fun fun. There was live entertainment and a great buffet.

Hope you will listen to Harudah and put this guy on the back burner for awhile. He is no help at all right now.

Kamara,

R U up for joining us tonight? Dinner and a comedy club. Come on..... You will hear some crazy stories over dinner and I promise not to get on stage and talk about PBR. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

kamara -
Please go. I want a report on everything that happens. After you come down here, I will fly up there for the next one.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by believer:
 kamara -
Please go. I want a report on everything that happens. After you come down here, I will fly up there for the next one. <hr /></blockquote>YIPEE!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

What's up girl? Please let me know what it going on with you. I hope that you are okay.

believer:
Nothing's up. I am sometimes very bad sometimes just bad but other than that there are no changes!
How are you?

kamara -

I'm doing fine. I'm very busy at work and the days fly by.

Did your daughter get through her mid-terms? I read here about someone else's daughter who found out her dad was cheating, and was having a hard time concentrating on her mid-terms. I think you did right by not telling her now.

It is sad how many people are hurt by two selfish people's choices.

kamara-

Please go to PlanA/PlanB board and read ChristyV's post. It is great.

kamara -

Where are you? Please let us know what is going on.

Nothing is going on. Just nothing! We have been in NC for a week now. I have a feeling that my husband forgot that I exist!

kamara-
How about you? Are you doing anything for yourself. Please don't sit around and wait for him. He will be in the fog for awhile yet.

yes, I am doing soemthing for myself and my family. But I am very sad!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Kamara:
 yes, I am doing soemthing for myself and my family. But I am very sad! <hr /></blockquote>Separation is always sad ... but in the long run you will see that you save yourself from a lot more heartache.

-rh-

Hi everybody:

I was supposed to have a treatment today but I didn't because my blood counts are low. So it was postponed till next week. Nothing surprising - I hardly eat or sleep these days! Before my previous treatment I recovered in 3 weeks without any problem! My doctor says that no matter what this will be my salt treatment and I should go home and continue there. She said that the stressful situation I am in now is interfering with my treatment.
I am mad at my husband - this a**hole is literally killing me and doesn't even call me to find out how successful he is in this!
My daughter called him yesterday but he didn't tell her anything about our situation. I don't know if it is a good sign or if he is just scared of doing this.
I am in a lot of anger today!

I hope you feel better. Just a big hug.

kamara -

Sorry your blood count was low. Please start taking care of yourself. I can imagine how hard it must be with having no support from your H. However you must start taking care of you.

Dear Kamara,

Sorry to hear about your lo blood ct. It is important that while your H is contributing to your illness by attempting to break your spirit, it is vital you not let him do so.

What has the dr. given you to help you improve your blood ct? I w/b wiling to press you some fresh fruit and vegetable juices if you want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for him telling your daughter, wait and don't do it for him. He needs to be responsible for his own demise.

Tonight I saw a rerun of the show MASH. There the Col. Henry Blake had a fling with a 21 year old civilian worker while he was about 40ish. It showed how he got giddy and was introducing her to all the people in the 4077 MASH unit. It was sad but then he got a call from his W and he realized the girl he loved was his W and not this 'prury yun thing'. Yea, it was a show but it portrayed how temporary these A feelings are and how shallow they are.

Consider the fact that your H has a virus of an A epidemic and right now there is no cure until he implements a plan to get him some real help. You on the other hand are under a doctor's care and you are loved and supported. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Work with what you have and don't fret over what you can't fix. Easier said than done but it is possible.

Hugz,
L.

Kamara,

In my humble opinion, let me just start by saying your health should be first and foremost. That may not be the case for H but it needs to be for you. I would rarely advocate selfishness, but self-preservation in your case, should be your focus.

Keeping in mind two things: a) your fight is not against 'flesh and blood', it is against many waring factors in your life and the lives of those around you, including H. b) you cannot effect change in others they do not want to make.

Hopefully some of this is freeing - sounds like lunacy to me, but that is some of life's many truths.

Your focus will dictate the direction the rest of you takes. From someone who focused on the relationship, and has lost it, I find that focusing on changes you can make in yourself is the best thing you can do for others around you.

Please do not misunderstand me. Be kind to yourself --- be as healthy as possible, and as well as you can be. We give power to that which we focus (our energy) on.

Focus on God, He will help you gain the focus you need and the support needed to help you through these trying times. If in doubt, we return to the source, we will find home.

Blessings to you and peace- health to your bones, nourishment to your body.

2P2

Kamara, take good care of yourself. We are all here with you.

kamara -

Hope you are feeling well. Also hope you are going out some.
I had a great day, with lots of fun. I did a lot of things with my boys.
Also WH is running out of money, and will have to ask OW to get a job.

I am going out, yes. I am not doing great though. But probably it is too early. Yesterday I was hysterical, was crying out loud and my mother said - Why are you grieving over this scoundrel so much? Then somebody else told me - he doesn't deserve you. Suddenly these thoughts started making sense to me - why do I want this scoundrel back so much? He doesn't even call me to ask me how I feel and how was my last chemo. He doesn’t care. And I feel disgusted and mad at him. This is probably the next stage of grieving - anger.
I dream that I go back home and call his mistress and tell her - do you not see that he is a scumbag? And do you still want him? OK, you can have him but don't celebrate it when somebody betrays another person for you, because the next moment they will turn around and betray you!
And I dream how I ask him - does your mistress not see what a scumbag you are? She probably does. She certainly cannot love you! Nobody can love a person like you are! Then what does she want from you? A little revenge.
I will probably pass this stage, but this is where I am now. What is the next stage of grieving?

kamara -
I went through the anger stage too. It allows you to look at the whole thing more honestly. My WH keeps saying how wonderful the OW is. Well now she has completely abandoned her 12 year old daughter. Doesn't sound so wonderful to me. I think it makes her pathetic - and my WH too. All they care about is themselves.

I think the next stage is acceptance.

Kamara,

Take care of yourself. We are all here with you. Forget about him. I know it is easy to say than do. But we have no choice. I will pray for you.

Update on my health. My chemo was rescheduled for today. My blood has recovered and they gave me treatment. In the middle of it I suddenly started having rashes and itching and got red in my face and neck. The nurses came running up to me ands stopped my chemo. My blood pressure dropped to 74 and I was feeling lousy. They gave me some medicines so I recovered more or less. My doctor came and she said no more cicplatinum, may be something else, depending on cat scan results. I will have it next week. Cicplatinum used to help me and now I can not have it any more because I have developed an allergy to it and itis very dangerous because it can bring to a breath stop and death. Well, my chances to recover are less now. The doctor will think about another medicine. I am scared - I react badly to different medicines, but I could tolerate sisplatinum up to now.
My husband sent me a Happy birthday message today. Very cold and official. " wish you Happy Birthday and all the best. I hope you are feeling well and the treatment succeeds.
Regards." That is it!
Well it is not my birthday today. My birthday is on the 15th of March! Did He forget the exact date? I doubt it! Maybe he will be traveling and will not be able to send it later.
Is it a bad sign or a good one? Should I write back “Thank you but my birthday is ...” Should I write to him about what happened to me today. Should I write to him at all? My daughter is going to call him, they have something to discuss, she will tell him about what happened to me anyway. I could write to him that the treatment is not going well but the daughter will tell you all about it.
Please you r opinions, guys! Is a cold Happy birthday message better than no message at all?

Dear Kamara,

Sorry to hear about your allergic reaction. That must have been scary.

As for the HB e-mail, at least be glad he sent it. Time is quite distorted to those in the fog. Maybe he tought the time zones were in the opposite direction this week. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Let your daughter tell him. E-mail him when you are not so spiteful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Well maybe that would take too long but wait a few days. E-mail him on the 15th instead.

JMHO,

L.

kamara -

Oh, I'm sorry that happened in the middle of your treatment. Hope your doctor can think of a good chemo that you can tolerate better. There must be some.

It is good that he even remembered your birthday is in March. Last year mine forgot completely. Of course he was in the middle of an A that I didn't know about.

I'm sure your daughter will set him straight. I would not bother to contact him right now.

My car engine overheated and now the car does not run. I thought about contacting WH, but everytime I've asked him for help it has been useless. I'd rather not even ask anymore, because it is too disappointing while he is in this fog.

Girls:
My husband has just told out daughter that we have separated and he has another woman. She called me back crying. She is shocked. Why did he not ask my advice when it is better to tell her? She is in the middle of a very difficult semester in the university, I hoped she would end it and then we would talk. I hope this will not disrupt her studies! Why is he so cruel to her? OK, I don’t matter but her!
I am devastated and in the same shock as when I first found out. I wish I had died yesterday of allergic shock.
We are getting together with my daughter tomorrow and will talk. I have to support her and help her through this.
I will call him tomorrow and tell him what I think about him!
How much can one person stand?

Dear Kamara,

I am sorry to hear about how rude and cruel the WS has been to your daughter. It is clear to see how bad that was.

Make your D your priority. Be each other's support. Let her help U 2.

As for the Ws, well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ........ let him know he has disappointed many. Not sure why he is choosing to be stupid and cruel but he is.

Let me see if we can hail up Sing. She is our MB Fairie who has a wicked 2x4 swing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Sorry that happened, but at least it is now out in the open. You and your daughter can support each other. If I was your daughter I would want to know, no matter how painful.

She is very smart and will hopefully throw herself into her studies as a distraction from this mess your H has made. I hope she let your H know how much he has disappointed her. He is not thinking right.

Just talked to him on the telephone. Told him that we should have coordinated how and when to tell our daughter. He blamed it on me as usual. He said - I was not going to tell her but you told me that I should! Of course I am responsible for everything. I know.
I told him, the situation was pretty difficult here but he made it even worse because now I would have to support D. Because I will have to support her not vice versa! I told him how she called me back and was crying. I said there was no need to tell her now because the plans that he had with her for summer didn’t change so what was the use of telling her now?
I also said to him that the most important thing was for him to be happy. We will survive somehow. We don’t matter, I said. He said to me, thank you for saying this to me but was obviously upset. There were long pauses in the conversation. He didn’t know what to tell me.
I also told him that I will come home in April, he said, OK, come. Last time he said – don’t come, it will be even worse for you here because people will find out. He didn’t mention that he would move out if I came. We will see. He said that he didn’t tell anybody about his situation.
I feel physically bad this morning – I hardly slept last night, took some herbs to help me calm down and sleep. I was planning to go to a Pilates mat class that I am taking but just couldn’t get out of bed. Will stay in bed sleeping all day long today.
This is terrible and unbearable!

Kamara, I feel the pain for you. Please be good to yourself. I will pray for you.

kamara -
Sounds like you handled it very well. What is going on with your daughter now?

I talked to my daughter on Friday and on Saturday. She says, I would have accepted it but I cannot, considering your situation. He is planning to travel a lot with her (D) in summer, the whole month of June and part of July. He sent her his itinerary. In winter before all this happened we planned to travel altogether. I am out of it now! I wonder how about his great love? Will he be able to stay away from her for so long?
My daughter says that her life has gone to pieces. She wants her family back. She is going to write to him how much she hurts and how much her family means to her.
She told me that when they were talking on the telephone he said to her that if I came home he would move out. But what hurts me most is that when she was telling him about my allergic reaction to the medicine he was not really interested. She only realized it when was telling me about it. He doesn’t care! I don’t understand this! How could he become indifferent to me so quickly! He sent me a couple of business messages. He never asks about my health. Just to be polite if nothing else! And I am not feeling well these days. He has shortened my life significantly and I doubt D will forgive him for this!
There is no end of pain for me! And no hope.

As you read here you have to see that he is acting like the typical WS. Most of them go off with OW (their fix) and abandon spouse and children, even little children. It is almost unbelievable how cold they can be. But I see it everyday here.

kamara -
Happy Birthday. I hope you will do something nice with your family today. HUGS from believer

Thank you, believer. Thanks for remembering.
I hoped to get something nice from my husband for my birthday but alas! he already sent me a Happy birthdy message a week ago! that is enough in his opinion. What a cruel indifferent jerk!

[ March 15, 2004, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Well you can still have a nice, happy birthday. Can you get together with your mother and daughter, and not even think of him?

I can be with my mother and daughter but i doubt I will not think about him. I always do unfortunately!

It's your birthday, don't think about him. Don't talk about him. Just enjoy yourself.

I will try to!

kamara -
Hope you had a nice birthday. My WH came over and it was awful. He is still so much in the fog. He blames me for everthing.

I am sorry to hear that, believer. Why is he coming if he is stil in the fog?
I had a huge number of calls today. Everybody, all my friends and realtives called me to say happy birthday. I received many email messages. I have so many people around me. But this jerk of my husband never wrote to me. OK, he did say happy birthday on the wrong date though. Fine.
But suddenly I realized that what happened to me on Wednesday during my chemo session is very serious, I cannot take the medicine that used to help any more and it is not clear if a substitute will be found. And he doesn't care! He never asks me how I am or expresses any compassion for my situation. He doesn't ask me when my CTscan will be and probably will not ask me about the results. It hurts and I cannot understand it. D wrote to him yesterday expressing her pain about what had happened and that she had a feeling that he was also leaving her. No reply. He cannot take bad news, he must be happy. He doesn't care that we, his family, are hurting. Can this be forgiven? Will he when the fog lifts forgive himself what he has done to us? What a disgusting a**hole he is! And I am sure if he doesn't show interest in the results of my CTScan D will not want to have anything to do with him!

[ March 15, 2004, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

I'm glad you have so much support. It is unfortunate that the one you need the most support from is MIA. But that's what they do.

My WH comes by every once in a while, but never when I need anything. My car is broken down now and WH knew (from his daughter). He could fix it, but cleverly waited until I got a mechanic.

This has happened over and over, so I don't expect anything from him. It makes it easier to be strong.

kamara - What is going on now? Must be nothing new to report. I finally got my car fixed, what a relief.

Believer:
I am glad you had your car fixed.
I had cat scan today, the results will br available to me only on Wednesday when I see my doctor.
My husband is in contact with D now, he wrote to her that he was not at all in a position to
defense himself or give arguments or justification. He sad he had no excuse
for what had happened.He worte that he loved her a lot and was thinking about her. And then he said: "Let us give things a chance to go their own way and see what will happen."
I don't know how to interpret it. He knows that what he is doing has no excuse but he is still doing it. So what is the own way for things to go?

[ March 19, 2004, 06:04 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Well at least he isn't making excuses. He know he is being dishonorable. Hopefully he will change.

Mine lied and denied, and made excuses for so long I got completely tired of him.

Good morning, girls:
I want to ask you something. My H is now communicating a lot with D, he asks her about me and my health. Yesterday she told me after talking to him that she got a hope that everything would be OK.
If I need something I contact him through her.
So it is not me but him who is following paln B with me. Almost. So my question is -
why? Why does he avoid any contact with me. Is this a normal case?

kamara-
Yes, completely normal. He is ashamed, and should be. Hopefully he will still come around. How is your daughter doing at school?

She is doing just fine, thank you. I had a great time with her yesterday. She is going to ski for the spring break next week.

kamara - Well I have had a quiet weekend - yesterday I stayed in bed all day and slept and watched TV. It was very pleasant and relaxing.

I hardly ever do anything like that. I am the type who has to stay constantly busy. So now I am all rested up and ready to get going again.

Good for you! Have your completely recovered and are now enjoying your life?

Yep, I consider myself in recovery. After all the pain, then many days by myself, I figured out that I am happier without him, than with him.

Also he is still with OW, despite saying she would be gone, if I let him move back in. He seems to think of himself as some kind of prize. So I finally decided - she can have him, they deserve each other.

Kamara - What's up girl? Hope things are going well. Has your mom moved? Also update us on your medical condition. Has doctor figured out what to do next?

kamara - Please keep in touch. I am starting to worry about you.

Believer, thank you for worrying about me. I went skiing to lake Tahoe with my daughter and after we came back I spent a night in her place. So I didn't have a computer.
My mom is moving on the 3rd of April. We have started packing.
I got results of my scan - I am stable. That means that the tumors do not grow which is good but, on the other hand, they do not shrink, which is bad. My doctor wants to see if it was the medicine that made me stable or I am stable by myself. So there will be a break in treatment for a while and then another scan and she will see what is going on there and will decide what to do next.
She named a couple of medicines to me which she is considering if my tumors start growing.
I booked a ticket to leave on the 7th. I don't know I may be cooking a disaster for myself but still I want to go there and stay there and see how things are. I may lose any hope but I feel at this point that I want to go home.

Oh, that is good news - that you went skiing. It is nice to get out and do things.

I'm so happy that you are stable. If you go home, will you be able to continue whatever treatment the doctor decides? If you can, then I say go. At the very least you can see your friends again.

Then you can Plan A your WH and see what is up with him. Mine is still with OW, and I a tired of it. But I don't have the awful hurt that I did before.

kamara -

Where have you been? Please let us know how you are doing.

Believer:
Thank you for asking. I am not feeling well so I rescheduled my trip and am going home on the 9th instead of the 7th.
Talked to my husband on the phone - he said he was moving out. He was hesitating before, now he is sure he wants out. What am I going to do? Why am I going there? Should I cancel my trip and stay instead?

Hi. Glad to see you here again. That is a decision you are going to have to make. He may move out. Who knows? Or he may just be saying that. He is still in the fog.

What do your mother and daughter think?

I guess you could make the trip and check things out. If you are not happy, you could come back.

You are right - I can make a trip and then come back if I am unhappy. My mother thinks I should stay. My daughter doesn't think anything - she is having a midterm today so I didn't tell her. I will tell her later today.
I will probably go but it looks like he is still not ready for me! He may never be, who knows.
I would rather keep status quo and have him live in the same place. Why does he not want it? Is the OW pushing him to move out? If he doesn't care what differece does it make if he is there or not? Is he afraid that I will be aggressive, yell at him or beg him to come back? Why do you think he wants to move out?

He is probably afraid of what the OW will think. My WH only comes to see me when OW is at work. Yes, she finally got a job. Now I feel like the OW.

If you go back, will you still be able to post to us? And what is that country called again?

I will be posting for sure. But the time difference is huge - 14 hours. It is Kazakhstan I am going to.
Today i talked to my husband again. I had a very bad day and was thinking of cancelling my trip. I called him and told him, look, maybe I shouldn't come? I don't want to be in the way. You don't want me there. He said, you wanted to come, so come. There is a place for ou to live, so come.You will not be in the way.
He is moving out. Does that mean that he doesn't care any more that all friends and coworkers find it out and that he will look terrible? Or that no matter if I am there or not he will continue to see OW and I will not be in the way?

I expected he would say somrthing like - it's up to you, or yes, it would be better if you didn't come.B ut no, he repeated several times that I should come. Strange!

I am leaving early morning tomorrow. I am scared to death - I don't know what I will find there. I woke up this morning in fear. I don't want to go but I am going!
I will be back on line in a couple of days. Please write to me!

I think you need to do this for your peace of mind. Remember, we will be thinking about you. If you don't go, you will always wonder.

Plus it will be good to see your friends. Just relax and try to look at it like a vacation. Don't forget to post and give us all of the details. I will be thinking of you.

I am already in K. I had a long lasting and difficult flight. My
husband's office driver picked me up and brought home.
I found out that my husband's things are gone! So he has moved out! I
thought I had a couple of days of hope (he is away on business now and is coming back on Wednesday). It appeared that I don't have any
hope left!
The fridge is empty - he didn't think that he should put something into it
for my arrival, he didn't leave me any local money, he didn't leave me a message or anything. The things he would have normally done for me and I for him! I asked him to put money on my cell phone account (you buy a card for your cell phone here). My cell is dead! I am fully and completely ignored. I am devastated and
somehow have no hope any more.
I wonder if the driver who picked me up knows about what happened. On the way from the airport I talked to the driver of course. He told me that
by what my husband told him on the way to the airport the project in another city (where the Ow lives) was over. That of course doesn't
mean that his relations with her are over too! But at least I hope he will not be going there any more! No more working with her!
He told me when we talked last time that he would call me from where he is
now and that on Wednesday from the airport would come right here and we would talk. I am not expecting a call from him! I don't want to talk to him!
I am afraid the next step will be talking finances! The things are getting
more and more final! I am devastated.
Do you think I should try to persuade him not to move out? Or should I pretend I don't care if he is here or not. I have no idea how to behave!
please help me! This vacation trip may turn to be a disaster for me!

[ April 11, 2004, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Oh my, what a coward he is. He is probably ashamed to face you. It is how they are. But he could have at least done the cell phone for you. Have you been able to see any of your friends, or are you just resting up?

I don't know what to tell you to do. I'm having trouble with my WS too. I've been trying to help him to retire and found out he has been lying to me about money.

I hope you can at least get local money and some food. Sounds like he is still very much in the fog. They really are like they have been taken over by aliens.

I'm getting to the point that I don't want to talk to WH anymore. Why bother wasting time listening to more lies? But I hope you will still talk to your husband. Try to be as calm as you can under the circumstances. Gee I should take my own advice.

Please let us know about your continuing saga. HUGS to you from me.

My husband has just called to find out how was my flight and if the driver picked me up. We talked as friends. He was very contradictory. He said that he had moved out because it would be stressful for ME to live in the same place with him. I said, maybe it would be stressful for You not for ME? How do you know about me? He said that my health was very important for him. Boloney! If it was, he wouldn’t have done all this to me! He wouldn’t have moved out but would try to work on our marriage! He is coming on Wednesday from his busin3ess trip and said we would see each other and talk. Talk what? Probably finances. He definitely doesn’t miss me!
We have a cleaning lady working in our house. He had to tell her because she saw that he was packing all his stuff. She talked to me today and asked what happened. I told her. She was shocked (like everybody else). She says we have always produced an impression of a very happy couple. She told me that she noticed something was wrong. He has changed a lot, lost a lot of weight (trying to look better for his other woman?), often was sad and all this after he came back from visiting me and I confronted him. She said that when she asked him about me he answered rather aggressively that everything was fine. That is strange! Why should he get angry? Unfortunately she is a rather foolish person so I wouldn’t trust her in terms of her judgments. Anyway, I asked him if he would want her to come to his place and help. He said, he didn’t think about it and maybe he would be doing everything himself. Himself? He has never done his own laundry! Will he bring it here for the cleaning lady to do it and then iron his shirts? She says that he eats very little so maybe he will cook for himself, but washing and cleaning? I asked him for how long he was going to rent this apartment, he said for as long as he needed it. What does that mean? Till I die? Or go back to the States and never come back? Or what?
He sounded very indifferent, it was a usual conversation which we could have had before all this. He never asked about our daughter or my mother. He is a cruel and indifferent jerk!
I don't know if itw as a good conversation or a bad one!

That is how they all are. They change into different people. I don't think they even know what they are doing. Try to stay calm and talk to him like a friend.

And I hope that you will try to have some fun. Enjoy yourself a little. Everything can not be about HIM.

Dear Kamara,

Glad you made it there safely. What a looong flight. You knew that the situation could go either way but am sure you are still disappointed.

As we previously discussed you need to move forward. Spending time second guessing him is more hurtful for you. Hard to resist but just don't let it tailspin you into a depressive state, ok?

Remember to watch for the babble and don't take any of his blame or guilt. Your housekeeper's words and that of the driver are quite telling. Don't underestimate it. See a WS can't completely cover over his feelings. His guilt is highly noticeable. He is aware of what he is doing. His words of not wanting to hurt you causing his decision to move out is not accurate but according to the WS script.

When you are strong enough, ask him to speak the truth and stop babbling. When he gets angry, remove yourself from his area of anger (whether by phone or by sight). Your H is probably a man of pride and may feel injured that you want to meet this problem head on. There are ways of handling these types. It does require you be strong. In that way we can help.

Keep posting and practice in the mirror - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Hugz,
L.

kamara - What is going on? Please let us know.

Dear Believer,

Kamara e-mailed me. She is in shock and pain but trying desparately to get back on her feet.

She has more on her side than the A does so she is better supported. Right now she is working on her support system there.

I am sure MB support w/b greatly appreciated and she will come back and post soon.

take care,
L.

Orchid -

Thanks for the update. I was wondering what was happening.

Hi everybody:
A short update on my situation.
I have arrived safely in K. Had a jet lag for a while then recovered.
I went to H’s office to say Hello to the people I sometimes work with. I then went to his computer and found everything I needed there. I found his password and this idiot keeps their messages to each other on the computer which everybody in the office uses in his absence!
Anyway, there is nothing for me to hope any more. The love between them is growing, and it is especially strong in their latest messages. They are not sexy at all, but sound like they are soul mates. He never wrote me letters like that, but in our time of course there was no email! He writes that he has never loved anybody as much as he loves her. Etc, etc. Their relationship is very intense.
They are planning to go to Spain for a week in the end of April, then they want to go with her kids to a lake here where our family used to go every summer.
She has either 2 or 3 kids, and works in a different city but comes to this one pretty often or he goes to see her. The project they were working together on is over but I am sure it will not end them.
Strange as it may seem I calmed down. I know that such kind of relationship lasts long and I should not waste my life on hoping that he will be back because he won't.
In one of his messages he wrote to her that he talked with our daughter and she was understanding, that apparently she is not going to break up with him, looks like he was concerned about it - believe me, she is not understanding! She is mad at him and told me that she didn't want to go to K. but was going there only because of me. Now, as one of her sons is in Germany, he said that they would be visiting the kids together!!! Our daughter is going to Germany for an exchange program next year. We will see. I know for sure that if he doesn't get back with me she will not communicate with him.
On the other hand, he says that my health is important to him. I should try and play on this.
I decided not to look into his email - it is a lot of pain but basically it is the same - I love you, I miss you, etc. I have read enough of this!
My husband came to see me after he came back from his business trip, just to say Hello because I have just come. He is rather contradictory in what he is saying and doing. He embraced me but didn't kiss. He said he was glad to see me but was not sexual about me at all. He said we would communicate. We decided to keep the status quo and not tell anybody about our separation. It will be possible because he is traveling a lot on business (and not in the OW direction, thanks god!) and will be away from home anyway. In one of his messages to her I read that she sholdn’t be concerned about my coming here, he would move out and he did. He said he was not going to divorce me. He said he did not plan anything for the future (there is a slight chance that the OW is married, I should try and find this out). We had an unpleasant financial talk and I feel insecure now. He promised an allowance for me but said a couple of things that I didn't like. I need his medical insurance and he said I would always have it.
I asked him how he could build his happiness on my bones, he said he was not building anything - it goes as it goes. Makes no sense to me!
I told him that I was dying and that I could live longer if it were not for the stress he put on me. He got very very upset and there were tears in his eyes. But still he hasn’t changed his mind.
At some point he apologized to me but said that is how things happened in life probably meaning that there is no way back.
He is pretty indifferent to me and didn't try to have any sex, nor do I see any desire in his eyes. He is calm and it seems to me that he knows what he is doing.
He asked if my mother knew and I told him she didn't. I don't know why. Looks like he is concerned about who knows what.
Please any comments. Maybe I should start a new thread?

[ April 15, 2004, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]

Hi Kamara,

Thanks for posting your sitch. I still think he is a bit foggy but only time will tell.

Do you really want him on a sexual way right now? Think about it. He needs to come back to you clean and ready to start fresh. No smell of the OW s/b in the air.

So preserve yourself for what is yours and what is right.

You have some work to do on the checking. Remember to pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

The OW will settle for crumbs because she is a scumbag. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She is willing to her hurt family as well as yours. Make no deals with the OW. ok?

Hugz,
L.

^^^ bumping ^^^^^ up 'til Kamera returns. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Kamara, I remember you. Glad you are still hanging in there. You are getting the best advice you can here, you have Orchid and Believer.

kamara -

I'm so glad to hear from you again. I missed your last post. Are you doing anything fun for yourself? I would hang in there, and try to squeeze some cash out of him while he is feeling guilty.

How did daughter do on her tests? It makes me laugh that he said she was okay with the whole thing. Talk about fog, but that is how they all are. My H's OW tells him she takes good care of her D. The truth is she has abandoned her completely.

Dear all:
My life is extremely bumpy here. Well, I believe that is how it should be.
My husband feels guilty but is continuing to do what he is doing.
We had an ugly money talk a couple of days ago. He is not going to generous! I persuaded him to keep status quo for 3 more months. I hope he will come to his senses during this time. If no I will pack and go back to the US!
On the other hand, he wants me to visit his mother’s birthday in June. We are going there altogether. He suggested that I should go too. That means that he is not ready to tell his family about his new situation.
I still have an access to his email account and found out that he and his other woman are planning to conceive a baby! They are going to Spain in the beginning of May and will work hard at it! OK, there is nothing I can do about it. Well, if this happens, I have no chances and should really stop worrying about him.
I have a plan how to protect myself and my daughter financially and will follow it. I have 3 more months to put it into action!

kamara -

So glad to hear from you again. Well it sounds good that he wants you to go to his mother's with him. At least he isn't taking OW, like some of them do.
WH says like he is still in the fog. What a crazy plan, to try to have a baby while he is a married man. The OW must have no self-esteem.
What do your friends there think? I would quickly protect yourself and daughter financially the best that you can. It sounds like he is not thinking right.
Please keep us posted, I think about you all of the time, and wonder what is happening.

Oh Kamara.. you are doing so much better than before.. now you are there.. I am glad you decided to go..that way you have no regrets. I am sorry, he is far from coming back to earth. I wish I could say its fog talk...but I think he is aware of what he is doing. He feels guilty, but inside himself what he is doing is right. I cannot say if he still loves you or not, but I think he still cares about you, but not the kind of love you'd hope for. Does he touch you? Does he seems to be doing things opposite than his feelings? I am no expect.. I'm just a confused 22 year old who had to grow up too fast. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know I am stupidly in love, and so is my husband that's why he cannot let me fly.. he won't let me fly away............he is also stupid.. see your husband is not dumb, mine is! My husband directly told me about the affair because his conscience couldn't take it anymore. Or he had this idea that me and that girl would get along fine.... ha ha (yes he is kinda crazy) anyways about your finances, since you are older than me... I haven't really built anything yet.. I am still in school... just hope you get your fair share of the deal. IF HE IS GOING TO BE GENEROUS!!!! MAKE HIM BE! DO NOT BE NICE EITHER!!! MAKE THAT YOUR FOCUS SWEETIE.

YOu know I thought I was the only one in this mess, but I realize how much affairs hurt people. Please take care of yourself and focus on your $$$$ I'm telling you girl... you have so much to live for... you're still young.. get your therapy... make sure you keep your spirit up. Meet new people. MOVE ON TO PLAN B! You are the best candidate for it. Be nice to him, but don't be too nice that way you do not become a RUG!

LOVE YOU*** BIG HUGS****

Hey Harrudah! It has been a while since you answered my notes. I didn’t know you were so young! Actually you are my daughter’s age, my daughter is 21. I don’t want her to go through what I am going through. You a have a whole life in front of you, girl, so cheer up. I know it is hard to do. But there are so many nice guys around, just look at them and you will forget all your misfortunes with your husband! It is different from being old and having cancer as it is in my case!
Believer, nice to hear from you too. How is everything for you?
Sorry I seldom post these days – it is not easy to do it from here. Internet is expensive and sometimes is not reliable. Emailing is much easier and better. So I am trying to keep in touch with Orchid.
My husband is in Spain with his mistress right now. He didn’t tell me the truth about where he was going to – he told me that he was going alone to a lake in the neighboring country. I don’t know if it is a good or a bad sign that he is lying to me about this. But I know the truth and it makes me stronger. Spain or no Spain, it doesn’t matter. I am really depressed these days, just feel a lack of energy. I have hard time to get out of bed and start my day.
But I have my yoga classes and this helps. I think I am better off with my husband around and his taking care of me. Like before he went to Spain he brought me drinking water and toilet paper (I asked him about these items). When he is back I will ask him to take more care of me – to take me out once in a while because I feel so lonely. The problem is that he is traveling a lot on business in May and June and will hardly be around. He is not traveling in the direction of his OW, thanks God. But on the other hand, the more time they spend together the sooner he will come to his senses. Is that correct?
Unfortunately I am not feeling in his LB because every time I see him I remind him what a terrible guy he is and what bad thing he is doing to me. I know I should stop it, he already knows that, I should look like an angel and behave like an angel then he will feel more guilty!
Please drop me a line even if I do not reply quickly.

boy am I glad to hear from you sweetie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Big Hugs* Where are at this time? Are you in USA or elsewhere? I'm a bit confused. Anyways whereever you are.. big hugs ( don't worry about their stupid trips.) Take it from someone who's been there... nothing good ever come out of a coupling that sprouts from lies, deceptions, and stupidity....

BIG HUGS***

Dear Kamara,

Wanted to let you know that I received your e-mail. Will respond tomorrow.

As for that Spain trip, I thought you had to do something for him to make that trip happen? Did you get his passport approved? Is the Ow traveling as his W? Arrrgh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well whether he is at a lake or being chased by a bull (LOL!!!), he can't be having as much fun as if he was with his real family. The WS pretend to have fun but there are times when they cry. Ask my H about his vacation with the OW and how 'happy' he was. At least the version I heard from him was different than the one the OW tried to remember. She attempted to gloss over the time(s) he cried on their 'vacation'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So don't fret to much. We are all sending very negative thoughts out to the A places in Spain right now. You never want to underestimate the MB power that can transcend all regions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I hope you area is hot like it has been here. In the 90's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Get out, get some sun and fun. Go to your yoga classes and take up tennis. Maybe the tennis coach will be...... cute?!!??!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

kamara - It is so good to hear from you. Please email me at digsblues@aol.com.

Hang in there. Your WH is still in fogland. Mine is too.

Hello girls:
I tried to communicate with you by email but that doesn’t work for us! I need your opinion again, please.
Today I saw my husband again, went to his office. Yesterday he returned from Mediterranean coast where he went with his OW.
He doesn't look good, you would never tell he has just arrived from Mediterranean coast! No suntan at all. Is it too early for it? I noticed that his hair is very grey, much more grey than it used to be. And he doesn't look like a happy person. But he keeps distance from me - didn't give me a hug or a kiss, neither at greeting nor at farewell. I didn't either. We talked like complete strangers. I don't see how he can come back to me. There is nothing between us - no sexual desire, nothing!
Our daughter called him, she had to discuss some money questions with him. She wrote me a message that he was strange while talking to her. I don’t find him strange. She is going to spend a year in Germany. He told me, you know, it is not the right time for her to go to Germany. I said, what? Hello, if you changed your plans it doesn't mean that we have to changes ours too. We have been talking about her going to Germany for 2 years! He said, no, I don't mean my plans, but I mean that you may need her when in the US and she will not be not around. Wonderful! How about him? I need him and he is not around! I said, let her go, after I am no longer around she would not go anywhere. He didn't say anything. I said, then I will have to stay around for at least one more year and I will stay here, because it is closer to visit her from here. He said, yes.
All this hurts a lot.
Tomorrow there will be a barbeque at work. He will be there and me too. But it is nothing. He will not be around me, we will not be together. People can notice that we have become strangers. I am not sure I should go.
I stopped by a store that sells stuff for camping, the owner is his tennis partner. He told me, Oh, you are back from the States. H. said you were staying in the States for ever this time. So he is preparing the ground! I was upset. We talked a little, I told the I had problems with my health. I didn’t specify what problems. But I will next time I will see him! Now my task is to let as many of his friends know about my disease as I can. So when he introduces the OW everybody knows that he betrayed me!
I am surprised at how people can become strangers after so many years together so quickly? We were not strangers when we were a couple. So why is it?
Maybe I should stop communicating with him at all? He will probably never miss me if we are in contact. What should I do?

Go to the barbecue and hold your head up. I went to my WH's retirement party last week. I was dreading going. Everyone at work knows he has OW. But I went and held my head up and chatted and pretended all was well.

Afterwards I felt great. I showed that I took the higher road.

OH My GOD!

You all are making me cry. What a sad, sad, sad story.

Believer, you are so strong too! You have a great heart!

How is the chemo? Did he go to Spain? Why the h*ll would he want a child when he wants to commit back to you? Did he give you a reason?What? He wants to leave his mark?

I am sorry I never posted on this thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> A little over my head for me. I do want you to know that I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ali

Orchid,

It has been very hot here too! What part of the US to do live in??? Except last week, we went to heat to A/C back to heat and now the A/C. We hit 93 Saturday and Sunday. Ahhhhh, summer at last!

Ali