well, I hope to hear from you tonight Kamara. How are you? Don't put yourself in a limbo. YOu are becoming dependent of his foggy words, which might mean nothing. So don't worry sweetie! I hope that he does call because that is what you want to feel better, but if he doesn't do not hurt yourself over it. Just calm down, talk to us, or talk to your daughter or anyone that that knows about the affair. He is not really your support system now.

SO I want to know what's up ok?
If he calls, tell us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If not .. tell us too and how you're feeling about it.

BIG HUGS***************************

So I talked to my husband and he said that it was over between us, that he didn’t want to be with me any more after what happened. He knows that he behaves like a scoundrel and will look like a scoundrel in everybody’s eyes, will be condemned by everybody, even by his own family. But he cannot pretend that nothing happened between us and that our relations cannot be the same. I said I would come home after treatment, he said, fine, if you want to live here, come, but I will move out. He also said that we had a chance in December when I first found out but we missed it and now there no more chances for us. He said he should have ended it with her then, but he didn’t, etc. He probably meant that I shouldn’t have looked at his email or talked to his mistress. I don’t know if he is with her, I don’t know if it is about her or about us.
I have just told my mother. I told him that I didn’t want to tell our daughter about it and let him do it. He did, OK, I will. He said: I understand that she may never want to talk to me again. But I cannot continue living with you pretending that nothing happened. You will never trust me again.
I said, let our daughter come to our place for summer vacations as usual and then tell her. He said, it is not fair, she should decide if she wants to come knowing the situation. He is right. We didn’t yell at each other, were not emotional. I am absolutely numb now. Does it look like a fog? He doesn’t want to work on our marriage. Also he told me that he was tired of living alone for so long. It is not the first recurrence of my disease, I have had it several times and was treated here. He lived there alone, I came and went back for treatment and lived with him in between the treatments. Everything was OK. He understands that I need to live in the States and he due to his work wants to be there so we do not have future together anyway. I understand that he is tired of my disease.
My mother is mad at him. I ask her not to be mad. He said that my health was important to him, that he is not talking about a divorce right now but we will not be a married couple any more.
Do you think there is any perspective for me here?

He is still in the fog and throes of the fantasy of the A. Continue to Plan A him. Concentrate on your health and on mother and daughter.

Put him on the back burner. This may go on for awhile, so prepare yourself. How old is your daughter?

He is still in the fog and throes of the fantasy of the A. Continue to Plan A him. Concentrate on your health and on mother and daughter.

Put him on the back burner. This may go on for awhile, so prepare yourself. How old is your daughter?

My daughter is 20.

Kamara, darling.. he is still in the fog. It's the same thing all WS use. I know this isn't the answer you were looking for, but this is what his mind is telling him right now. He sounds so confused. He may not be confused. look, he's telling you that the reason he can't be with you is because of what happened. Then again, you want to be with him.. can't he see that? THis is FOG talk babygirl. HOLD ON! I am glad you told your mom... this could not remain a secret.

All my love to you,

HUGS* Continue your treatment, do not run back home just like that. Take your time and take care of yourself.. just like all of US HERE BS! TAKE CARE SISTER!

Kamara - How are you doing now? The WS's are all the same. He is deep in the fog. Saying that it could have worked out in December is just more blame shifting. They all do that also.

Personally, I would tell my daughter. She deserves to know what is going on. Your H is probably not going to do the right thing. He will very likely avoid her.

And yes, your mom should be mad at him. I am mad at him. Don't try to protect him from the consequences of his poor choices.

Kamara -

Well, you survived one of your worst fears. I did too! I thought when my H told me that, I would die. And then after he did, I continued to live. I even woke up the next morning. Shocked the sh** out of myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So, where do you go from here? I panicked, thrashed around, cried, screamed, demanded, pouted, and all kinds of other nasty stuff. And when I was done, I was still in the same spot. I did, however, feel better a few days later.

You will, too. Get a support network going. Rally your girlfriends. We are all here for you.

It is all fogese. I have heard it all from my WH. Either he comes back or he doesn't, but either way, I will be OK. Because I didn't betray myself, I didn't hurt anyone, I can look at myself in the mirror in the eye every morning. WH cannot. He won't be able to until he comes clean with himself, which means coming clean with me. His stuff is not my stuff. Same with you.

Take care. We are worried. Please post.

Love, Amy

I have just called him again and we talked. Strange as it may seem I feel a little better after talking to him. He said that we could exist only I didn't find out. I asked him to give our marriage another chance. He said, you must realize that if I communicated with her while I was with you that is serious. I understand this.
I told him, everything passes, this will pass too. He said, if it passes then we will see what will happen, but I do not know how much time it may take - maybe a day, maybe a couple of months, maybe never.
I don't want to live any more!

kamara-

No don't get so depressed. Your H is still in the fog. He cannot help you right now.

Please take care of YOU. Please be strong enough to get thru this. We will be her for you. Do not give up now.

Kamara,

I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way too. But Believer is so right. Don't count on him. We need to count on GOD and take care of ourselves.

I almost wish I were there, but I'm not, so I will have to do a cyberspace reinactment of what has to happen here:

Slap Slap

Shake Shake

Come out of it, woman!

Shake Shake

He is all foggy! Do not listen to his words! He has no clue what he wants right now! He is acting like a schmuck, but he is not himself.

Please do not talk like you do not want to live. Would you think it foolish if your 20 year old daughter said that about a man? Any man that she was involved with?

You can do this! Do not doubt yourself! Take care of yourself!

We are here for you. Keep posting. Keep talking to us. Keep typing!

Hugs. We love you. Amy

Thanks for you rlove, girls!
I think this "schmuck" really doesn't know what he is doing! I wouldn't have done this to him!
Just talked to a very insightful friend of my friend. He used to be a PI. His prospective for my situation is very good. He says that I should just sit here and wait and take care of myself (everybody here tells me this but I would not listen!) H may wake up one day and see what he has done and be willing to get back with me. He is sure this will happen. And pretty soon. My mom also has this presentiment that he will be back sooner or later. But I don't know. Not all of them come back. Is that right? I am sure the fog always lifts but sometimes it is already too late to change things! All they have to do is to be sorry for what they have done.
My H has damaged our marriage so badly. Unbelievable!

OK, looks like my cyber-slapping did the trick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You sound better. And no, they don't always come back. However, by that time, I believe you will be OK either way.

He has made a mess of your marriage. It is the nature of the A. But it happened, and now we all must move on the best we can and take care of ourselves.

Looking good and living well are the best revenge!

BTW, when I mentioned the other day that if you look and feel like crap, he won't come back, I didn't mean you have to be physically attractive for him to come back (although I am glad you look good!). I meant that you doing those things to yourself will not make him come back (by making him feel bad). After re-reading my post, I realized that I wasn't clear.

Hang in there. We do all care about you. You are going through so much, and you are a very strong and capable woman.

I am 8 weeks into this ordeal, and I have been with my WH since I was 16. I did not know I could be strong without him. All my friends did, but I did not. Now I know I am stronger than I ever imagined, and I really like the stuff I am made of. I did not know either of those things 8 weeks ago.

Gotta find the silver lining. Take care. You will find your silver lining, given more time.

So strap in, expect it to take time, and make yourself as comfortable as possible in the process.

Hugs and love. Amy

kamara - Hang in there girl. There is a lot more to come. You can do this.

amy - I think you will be our official cyper-slapper. Expect to be on-call.

Aye-aye, Captain! Can and will do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Another terrible morning. I cannot get out of bed. I want to sleep for hours and hours in a row and never get back to reality. I need anti-depressants but they are not good for kidneys. I have chemo destroying my kidneys already. But I feel like I really need to get away from reality somehow. He is destroying me and has no mercy!

Kamara -

Please do not make me fly over there! And drag you up out of bed. And shake you up.

You are destroying you. You are giving him too much power. You need to be using all your power on you right now. Maybe since you cannot get anti-D's, you should walk yourself down to the chapel and talk to a clergy member. God is the only love you NEED in yourself.

WH love is what you want. I think you need to clarify to yourself what you NEED and what you WANT.

If I can get through this, trust me, you can as well. 8 weeks ago I was a frightened, fearful, scared, hurt, angry, pathetic ball of emotions that I let make me miserable. Which is normal!

Feel them, and let them pass through you. Take your mind away from where it is. Control you. Read some books, rent a movie, write a letter, call an old friend, go to the chapel, turn on your favorite music and sing as loud as you can to it.

I used to play Christina Agulara's "Thanks for making me a fighter" song over and over and scream the lyrics. My kids thought I was going nuts, but now they see I am OK, and they don't really even remember. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know, I am a nut. I want you to do something nutty today. Go outside and SCREAM! Do the Tarzan call! Sing! Cry and beat the crap out of your bed. I did that for one full day, with a lot of screaming involved. And the next day, I felt so much better!

Don't keep it all in. Process, let go, take care of you.

We are worried. Keep posting. Keep typing at us.

Love and hugs! Amy

Amy Maree:
Thank you for worrying about me. I will get out of bed. But let me get over this first couple of days of shock. I want to call my WS and tell him I am not surviving and that he is killing me. That we cannot separate right now, not in my situation. Let him have his mistress and keep the family. I will look the other direction. If no I will ask him to come and stick a dagger into my back. That would be more human!

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

kamara-

I see how you are feeling. Try your best to take care of you and not focus on him. The more contact you have with him, the worse you will feel. See if you can go out walking. Exercise will help like the anti-D's.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you.