Kamara, keep posting. He is still in the fog. He is still confused. IN my case my husband couldn't stay in a fog because he knew better. I say tell your daughter and your mom. THey are going to be your support. Not being able to tell anyone is HARD!!!!!!!!! Someone in the real world needs to know what you are going through. I know its a shame!!! Oh I felt that shame!

I know you want him back, but it is not up to you. It is up to him. He's still confused and want to think about things. Give him time, do not insist, it will only make you feel worse! So please.. take care of yourself sweetie. Things will only go up from now on. I really beleive some of the worse is over.. the SHOCK is almost over at least.

BIG HUGS from Brussels*

Kamara-
Well your H is talking like they all do. It may take awhile before he comes out of the fog. My H is saying he wants to reconcile (again) but I can tell he is still in the fog.

He is blaming me for not letting him move back in. He was with OW 3 days ago and wonders why I don't trust him. The only thing that helps me is going on with my own life and not concentrate on his problem.

So take care of yourself. There will be lots of ups and downs.

I don't believe the shock is over. I am preparing to hear that he is going to end things with me. But I have a feelling that it is not about her but about the fact that I caught him when he was lying and he may not want to continue our marriage with this baggage. Maybe i should let him know that i love him, want to be with him and am ready to forgive.
I know it is now his decision and I cannot influence it, nor can I do anything about his relations with the OW. I cannot control that, I already understood it. I am not trying any more. I will give him time and space he is asking me about.

Kamara,

IMHO your words right now are like spitting in the wind. Your efforts while good are not going to be appreciated by him as such.

So spend more of your energy on you. Have you read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley? Learn what needs you are meeting and then decide if you will still meet them.

As for apoligizing? Don't .....not yet. Let your H know his 'family' love him but not tooo sure about this new character parading around in his body. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Present yourself and your daughter as 1 unit. The family vs the A. Not vs the OW (though I know you want to do that).

Something like:

BS: Your family still loves you but not too sure about the other guy.

WS: What other guy?

BS: The one that keeps hurting us.

WS: Oh, ......

BS: Well, I have some important things to tell the real H, please give him our love, ok?

Ws: ok.....

BS: oh yeah, let him know that I would like to show him some new stuff I found so could you please have 'him' call and we can find out when it best to meet/talk.

Ws: Well howz about.....?

BS: Hm..... not sure. You sure my H can be available? I wouldn't want to talk to that other strange guy, he is too mean.

Ws: um....... I'll check.

Bs: ok, thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Does that sound a bit silly? It is but that is what you rae dealing with. Don't tell all, let him keep wondering what you are up to. The more he wonders about you and your family, the less time he will spend on the OW eventually she will NOT like that.

In our case, the OW even resorted to 'offering to share the WS', the nut thought she was being 'generous by giving me 4 out of the 7 days. What a nut! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So sit back, take care of you, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. A dose of patience is helpful also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

L.

kamara - How are you doing? Please let us know. You are in my prayers.

Well, in general I am not doing well. No contact from my husband. I miss him but stay strong. I am not going to call him. I am very sorry that I started talking to him about the divorce. I am sure he didn't think about that but now I set him thinking about it. I was emotional. I should have told him that we are a family and will fight what has happened together. So half of the situation is of my own making!
I have chemo on Friday and will talk to my doctor and tell her about my situation. She may decide to put me on antidepressants. I can hardly eat or sleep at night, I wake up at 5 am.
I wish he contacted me as soon as possible. I am ready to hear that everything is over between us but I can't stand to be in the limbo! Why does it take him so long to decide? Maybe I should call but not beg of anything but say something like - OK, let’s talk about what we are going to do now. Why wait longer? If we want to end our marriage let’s talk about it now. At least I will know where I am. There is nothing worse than waiting! If he wants to end us why should he wait so long? A weak has passed since I confronted him. Isn’t it enough to decide what he wants to do?

Yes you have 50% responsibility on this M but he has 100% responsibilty on his A. Don't be despair.

PATIENCE. This mess is not happing over night what do you think it will solve in a week or so. Probably patience is what you miss in your M. Take this chance to help yourself to be a better mate.

-rh-

Kamara,

RH is right. Patience is all we need. I am rpaying everyday asking for patience. There is a Chinese saying: Thress feet deep of ice did not form in one day's coldness. How do you expect that ice to melt overnight. If he can not decide, it means somethig in your M worth him to think a while. Give him time, and do your best. That is what I am trying. Rh, Believer and all others always give a lot of intelligent advice and couragement. Hang in here.

Yes, the mess did happen overnight. To me at least. It is not my fault that I got cancer and had to go and leave him alone. This is terribly unfair!

K-

I'm sorry to read of what you've been dealing with and you're absolutely correct, this situation is terribly unfair. The betrayal by your H on top of the fear associated with your illness is too much for anyone to bear alone. Work on getting a support network set up, as I discoverd these groups really do help!! Take it a minute, hour, day and week at a time and you get back on top. Good luck and god bless!!

Kamara- Yes, this is very unfair. And your husband has turned into a rat. But let's stick with how to make things better.

How long do you have to take these treatments? While you are going through them, make this your time to learn and work on MB principles. It takes awhile to really make them part of you.

Then you will be better prepared to work on the marriage. In the meantime you must be patient. It is very hard. But as you read these boards, you will see that there are all kinds of changes in WS. Mine was completely gone for months and suddenly showed up again.

Good luck with your therapy tomorrow. I will be thinking about you.

kamara-

We'll all be thinking about you today. Hope your treatment goes as well as can be expected. I have to go to work, but will check back later.

((((((HUGS))))))

Thanks everybody! i am about to go to my treatment. I will see my doctor today, tell her my story and ask her for antidepresatns. I really need some help to survive all this.
I have this treatment and one more in 3 weeks, then CTScan. If everything is OK then it will be it and will be able to go home. But even if everything is OK my doctor may decide to give me more chemo. So this is unpredictalbe.
I will write more when i am back from my treatment. It takes rather much time.

I hope you can start some anti-D's. You certainly might feel better with all that is going on in your life.

Here is the latest update on my health and my plans for the future. I have had chemo. Thanks God, I have recovered from the previous one though my blood is not that good at all but enough to get chemo. I am anemic of course - I haven't been eating next to nothing for a week. I have lost 7 pounds of weight. Also I have a high blood pressure which I have never had. Must be due to the stress.
Talked to my doctor about my situation. I cried, she was very supportive and understanding. She doesn’t want me to take antidepressants yet, I should try and cope with it myself and if I cannot then she will give them to me. It appeared that the hospital has a big support network for cancer patients which is free. She told me to go into counseling first and then consider anti-D. I started counseling straight away, before my chemo. I will be coming once a week to see my counselor. We decided that it would be a good idea for me to have something to do when I feel normal. She suggested volunteering in the hospital and I agreed. Also there is a big amount of free activities in the hospital for cancer patients – dancing, light yoga, meditations, etc. Also women get together to knit and talk. I will participate in all of them. I hope this will help me to cope with my situation and keep me busy. I will start in a week after I recover from this chemo a little.
We have worked out a plan with my doctor – I will have one more chemo, then CTScan, then will see her and depending on the results, if she decides taht i need more I willtake one here and then go home. If I need more chemos I will have them there. My doctor will supervise my treatment there and I will be coming back for scans and consultations.
I could have done this long ago! I could have had all my treatments there, they have all the necessary medications though diagnosing is not as good there as it is here. Maybe what happened would not have happened if I had not left him alone for such a long time!
My mother is planning to move to another apartment. She is counting on my help, she will not be able to do it without me. This will take about a month, and then I will go. So I am planning to be away by the end of March. A month and a half more. I hope I will be able to stand this!

kamara -

I'm so glad that they have all of this support. Sounds like this will be a good place for you.

I hope you are feeling okay. This is going to be hard for you. But the more you get out and do things, the better you will feel.

Hugs to you from me. You are doing fine.

Well, my husband called me to ask me how my chemo was. This time talking to him was a little better. At least he talked. I told him how things were, we also talked about business. I am developing and supporting sites for his office projects and one of them is on the way now. He asked me to write to him if I have some business problems. Business should not suffer, he said.
He is now working on the project in the city where she lives. It will last for 10 days. I am sure they are together! And will spend all 10 days together, maybe he will live in her place and he will get even more involved with her than before. He told me that he would be back home next Friday and then we would talk. So I have one week more in limbo. I don’t know why he needs this week. Why can he not tell me right now that he doesn’t want to be with me any more?
He said that what is most important now is my health, that I have my mother and daughter here to support me so I should take care of my health and get well again, that our relationship is less important than my health. I said: What? It is very important! He said something like there is a connection between my health and our relations.
I told him that I loved him and that I was emotional when I told him that I wanted a sepation, that I want us to be together. I asked him, if it was important. He said, yes. But that he couldn’t live his life feeling that he is a scoundrel all the time. I don’t know what he meant by that – my opinion is that he means – I cannot give her up, I will see her no matter what but if I am with you I will feel like I am a scoundrel. I asked him if he had some feelings for me. He said, yes, there are feeling, but the questions is what are feelings are they?
I don’t know why he needs one more week to take a decision but I see that the situation is hopeless and expect to hear that we will not be together any more. I am devastated. I just wonder, will he not feel a scoundrel if he leaves a woman in my situation?

<small>[ February 14, 2004, 02:46 AM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

kamara -

Stay with taking care of yourself and reading about the MB program. WS's all talk the same fogese. They all say the same things.

I used to hang on every word that my H said, trying to figure out what was going on. But it is useless, because the WS is in a fog and not making any sense.

Your H is a scoundrel. He is having an affair instead of supporting you. But that is the choice he made, and not your fault. Hopefully he will come out of the fog, but it usually takes awhile.

So get busy taking care of yourself and getting the support you need. If you were home with him now, you would probably be following him and acting crazy. That's what I did at first, and it does not help at all.

Kamara -

I agree with Believer. I think that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. There have been many times I wished to be somewhere with no memories, a neutral place to deal with all this in my life with WH. And there is so much for you to do there! It will be hard at first, but just go through the motions, and in no time you will realize you are actually smiling again, actually feeling again, actually living again.

And for heaven's sake, tell your mother! She deserves to know, and you deserve to have some sage advice. What she has to share with you might surprise you. Especially since you are staying there for 6 more weeks. You are not your WH mother, you do not need to protect him. And if his business needs are not being met by you, maybe he will begin realizing what you mean to him on other levels, as well. The choices he made are his alone - and I don't think it makes a darn bit of difference of where you were physically when he chose to have his A. Mine did it with my "best friend" right under my nose!

Don't second-guess yourself, don't try and figure out what is going on. And if you don't feel better emotionally, you need to tell your doctor and get on anti-D's. They make all kinds now. Kinds that are in your system in one day, and out in one day. You can quit whenever you want, but before I got mine I was a crazy woman, and now I am calm and focused (75% of the time). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Take care! You can do this. You are doing this. You will make it. You stay here, and you will come out on the other side of this a better, stronger, healthier person. I promise.

Love, Amy

kamara -

How are things going? I had a very quiet Valentine's Day. I just stayed home and did things around the house.