believer:
Nothing new happened. I am recovering from chemo. I cry every day but started sleeping a little. My husband will be calling me on Friday to talk about our situation. All I can do now is patiently wait for this. I am scared! A long week to go!
I communicate a lot with his office staff right now about the websites and other things. It is a trigger. But he is not there. Everybody likes me and if the news spreads he will look terrible in the eyes of his staff!
A man who leaves his wife in my situation doesn't deserve respect or sympathy. Same about his OW!

You are exactly right. But he may not always be the man he is right now. So stick with the marriagebuilders program.

I am glad to see you posting again.

Dear Kamara,

Also glad to see you posting. I tried calling Sunday. I was at a farmer's market in my area and saw something that reminded me of what we talked about. Maybe we can go do a fun lunch sometime when you are feeling better.

Know that patience is not a virtue for most BS'. Given that piece of info, it is ok to vent here.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

I am not doing well. Yesterday I went to my friend's birthday party. I hoped it would distract me from my stuff. But it didn't. I could hardly wait till it was over. Looks like the only thing I can do now is to sit at my computer reading something on the Internet or communicating with people.
I think my husband distanced himself from me because I called his mistress and interfered with his boundaries. He doesn't know what to expect from me now. I am afraid that on Friday he will tell me something like - you get better and then we will think what to do about the situation. This will be uncertainty again. But I should be patient - the situation will not dissolve overnight, nor will it be solved easily.
I have an appointment for reading today. I am scared. They say she is really good.
I wrote him a business message yesterday night. I published the site and informed him about it and asked some questions. No reply. Well of course this is not urgent but he could have used this message to write me back and ask me how I was. It was so good to write to him even if it was just business. I slept this night I think because I felt a little better. He definitely doesn’t feel or think this way.

kamara -
Chin up girl. No matter what H tells you, he is still in the fog. Stick with us, we will guide you through this.

Kamara.. since you couldn't do plan A.. and did not get the chance to do plan A.. I am assuming you are doing plan B. I know it is hard, but try no contact at all with your husband. I know it is extremely hard, but you're letting lead the way. You're giving him power, and now he feels powerful.. he can control and do whatever he wants to do... specially with your emotions. You cannot let him decide what you do m'dear. SO DO NOT CONTACT HIM! even for business.. do not contact him. I know he said he would call on friday.. if you could avoid that even. I guess you need to know how he is feeling and what he is going to make a as a decision. Know whatever he says is not really what he may feel right now. Although he had lots of time to think about things, he may still be in a fog. Whatever he says do not take it to heart.

I suggest you just listen and say not much as you may be angry and hurt at the same time. Anyways, Know all of us been through almost the same thing. And we're here to help you. Tell us what happened on friday hon.. do not think of friday as a final decision either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> whatever he says beleive not much of it.
You're doing fine so far hon.. hey SMILE even when you don't feel it and it might just come naturally.. I try hard enough to smile each day.. It takes the stress off my heart.


HUGS*

I don't want plan B, I think I should go home and try Plan A! I feel like I am getting more and more distant from my husband. I want my life back - and this is not just him, I want to be in my house and to be able to what I used to do before I came here. If Plan A doesn't work when I am there I think I could start plan B. I will have him to move out and then he will probably miss his life too and the rumors will start spreading. He may not want to lose his social image and become a man who left his wife when she was in the middle of cancer treatment and thus killed her! Maybe this will lift the fog for him!

Hon, do not think that anything you do or say will lift his fog. Been there, done that, and everyone else here has too. In fact, yesterday I read a post on MB that the W went into surgery for her cancer, and her WH didn't show up beforehand. She waited and waited, and made the surgeons wait. And finally they did the surgery, and the WH showed up in the recovery room crying and making all kinds of promises. And the next day he was gone again.

Even if he wants badly to come out of the fog, he cannot. And you don't want him home from pity, anyway. Trust me. He will be gone again, then you would be even more confused and hurt.

The best advice I can give you is what I have heard the veterans say over and over again.

DO NOT CONTACT HIM

DO NOT PURSUE HIM

DO NOT PRESSURE HIM

DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR PAIN - HE CANNOT HELP YOU

The more you do these things, the worse it gets. Trust me. Trust God. You are truly where you need to be right now. He is protecting you (God, not the fogged-in WH). Please trust what you are reading here, and keep posting.

We will all get through this together. You have us, not WH right now. Now is the time for you, not him. YOU.

We love you and are here for you. Keep talking to US. Tell us what you want to tell him. What you want to say to him. I write letters to my H all the time, but I keep them in my notebook. I will give them to him when he comes back. I cannot communicate with WH. He is a stranger, and mean, and I don't want to be his friend. I will wait for the love of my life to come back.

You must do the same. Go to the social activities. It will get easier. Go tell your doctor that you think you do need those anti-d's. Take care of you, and the rest will fall into place.

Love, Amy

Thank you for your support.
I am still waiting for Friday to hear what he has to tell me. I don't expect too much. But I have the right to be home and wait for his fog to lift there. I want my life back, let him move out! I will not communicate with him but I will be at least at home enjoying support of my friends and doing things I am used to! Why should I stay here in my mother's place? I will go home. Our daughter will go there for her summer break as usual and let him tell her what happened. Why should I break the world of my child? Let him do that!

I had a very interesting reading yesterday. She told me a lot, described my husband and even gave his name.
She told me about another woman and said that he would not be with her. She said everything would be fine with us.

Does anyone of you have a reading that later came out to be true?
I received yesterday night his reply to my business message – it is so cold and strictly on business! In the end he writes: I hope you are feeling well. And that is it. A complete stranger! God, my life turned over just overnight!

kamara -

Yes that is how they are. Suddenly they are not the person we knew all of our marriage.

But that usually changes. Please don't be too upset, although I know you are. Take care of yourself.

Sorry, I posted twice!

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

Oh, please please talk to me! Friday is coming, I am waiting for it and for his decision, I am all shaking and cry every day. I am scared to death of his call, yet I can't wait for for him to call me. What if...
Please I need words from you!

Take some deep breaths. What is the worst he can say to you? Imagine it, imagine what you will feel and say, and maybe it won't be so scary.

Have you told your doctor you might need some meds? I really think you should talk to her again about that. You seem to have much anxiety, and there is medicine that can help you think more clearly. Especially since your body is so vulnerable right now. Your mind needs to be more calm. Do not damage yourself to get attention from him. It will not work. If you look and feel like crap, he will not come back to you.

Anyway, the other thing I have to say, is that you are not dealing with your H right now. Try not to take what he says to you personally. Think about if your H that you know and love would say those things to you. If not, it is fogese, and you should listen, but do not enroll in it. Do not argue his feelings with him. If he cannot argue with you, he will have to look inward for his answers. Does that make sense?

PLEASE take care of yourself. He is not worth dying over, or damaging yourself permanently for. No one is. Set a good example for your daughter. Let her see that you are staying level-headed, you are taking care of yourself FIRST.

You know on the airplane how they say if it is going down, to put on your oxygen mask first, then put on your kid's? That is what you need to do now. And not just for your daughter, but your WH is lost in the fog. He needs a strong W to come back to, someone he can have confidence in. He cannot take care of you right now - although he should - but he cannot.

We will all get through this together! Have hope! So many people have saved their marriages using these strategies. You are at the right place. Hang in there, and good luck.

Love, Amy

kamara -
We are here for you. I am really worried about tomorrow. Your H still is in the fog, and I doubt he is going to give you what you need. WS's hardly ever do.
But hang in there and remember that you are very early in this. Don't expect too much.

Thank you very much for your support. It helps as usual.
What am I dreading to hear?
1. That he doesn’t want to continue this marriage and wants to move in with OW.
2. That he knows that he should support me now but he is so much in love that he cannot leave her right now no matter what.
3. That he hasn’t decided on what to do yet, so I should continue with my treatment and then come home and we will decide. Meanwhile let’s stay out of contact.
4. That he is tired of being alone all the time and doesn’t want to be so anymore

That is what occurred tome but ther maybe many more things tha he can tell me and I will go to pieces.
Should I not lose hope?
I don’t look like crap, strange as it may seem, I look good. Everybody says I do!
I am taking a sleeping pill to be able to sleep tonight! And maybe more than one!
What chance is it that his decision will be final and no matter what I do he will remain in the fog?

<small>[ February 19, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

Oh kamara, don't worry what he will say. He is still in the fog. He may say he is desperately in love, she is his soulmate, he never loved you, it just happened, they are just friends, he needs to find himself, needs space, needs to follow his heart, blah, blah, blah.

That is what they all say. It is just fog talk. So I am worried that you will take his talk seriously. You cannot do that. It is still too early. There is a lot more to come. It is harder for you than for the rest of us, because you need him now while you are going thru the treatment.

Please take your sleeping pill (only one, girl) and know that this will turn out all right. Stick with the MB program. You may be like me and when he wants to come back, decide that you don't want him. But don't worry about it now.

Hugs and nite nite. Will talk to you tomorrow. Rest tonight and be calm.

I also worry that he will not call on Friday as he has promised!

Dear Kamara,

Worrying is not healthy for you. So if you 'have to' worry, worry about what U have control over.

Whether he calls or not, what is important is how you will react. Have you figured it out yet?

L.

Orchid, I think hearing something from him is better than the limbo I am in, uncertainty and maybe false expectioan of somehting!

Kamara -

What you hear from him tomorrow may not be better than not hearing from him at all. I know how hard it is to wait, and to hear things you do not want to hear. But I think you need to stop fighting the process. It will unfold as it will unfold. No matter how upset you get, it will not speed up.

It is like you are thrashing around in a place you don't want to be - because you don't want to be there. I know - I did the same thing! But you need to find your center, and hold still. Does that make sense?

We all love you and support you and are worried about you. Get some rest, and post in the morning. I will be looking forward to it.

Love, Amy