Thank you, bieliver.
Do you know if begging and trying to persuade them ever helps?

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

I know for a fact that it does not. He is simply incapable of doing what you want him to do for you right now. Period. The end.

I said all that stuff to my WH. "Open another artery! Do you need more of my blood? Do you enjoy this pain you see me in?"

Nothing. In fact, it made him run further from me. You see, he felt pressured to end my pain, but the only way he knows to do that is D. He cannot help me, except in his mind to cut me loose. So, the more you beg and plead, the more he feels pressured to make a hasty decision.

Back off. Make him wonder. Do the opposite of what he expects at this point. He fully expects you to beg and plead. Give him silence.

Leave him alone with his own thoughts. He is torn, he is in pain. If you could see him right now he probably looks like crap. His mess is his alone. Take yourself out for now. You can do nothing for him until he is ready for you to. And he will let you know when that time comes.

Hugs and love, Amy

Amy:
He is not in pain! That is what he says to me. He says that he takes everything philosophically. And wants me to take them philosophically. He was in pain for a couple of weeks but not any more. I doubt he looks like crap. His voice sounds fine at least.
You think he WILL let me know when the time comes? Do you think the time will come?

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

kamara - The time will come, but I'm worried about you. It is a waste of time to try to reach them now. My H walked out the door to see his girlfriend and left me crying in a heap on the floor.

He is changing now, but too late, I think. The more you obsess and go through pain, the harder it will be to ever forgive him. So get busy thinking and doing something else.

Why is it late for you, believer? You don't want him back? How much time passed?
What if my H and OW will live happy ever after?

kamara -

No they won't be happy. Something that starts out so ugly will not end in happiness. The statistics are that only 5 percent get married, and then they have a 75% chance of divorce. Like it says in the Bible, you reap what you sow.

I think it is too late for us because there has been too much hurt. I am a simple person, easily contented. This has been going on a year now. My H is never satisfied, nothing is ever good enough.

He stopped giving me money, we went bankrupt, I lost contact with my grandchildren, who I was very close too. His kids who I feel like my own are taking his side. I helped raise them. I have caught him telling lies over and over. He says he has NC with OW, then I catch them in bed together. I spent every weekend with his mom, when she was sick - for 18 months. Now my dad is seriously sick - prostate cancer that has spread. My H has been no support.

So I am pretty much done with him. I always thought it would be forever, but can't see a way out of this.

HOWEVER, I am happy, my life is going well. I do things and get out. I enjoy every day. You will get there too.

SO TRUE!!!!!!!!! You see the trees you planted! And you see... my H figured that out fast! ha ha.. He couldn't have a life what that girl.. the fact they don't even know each other. And this was an ugly start! Anyways.. don't worry they will never make it... because he had to break something else to make it!!!!!

Babygirl... chin up!! love you much!

That's exactly right kamara. And I think you know, having gone through all this, how important your family is.

I kinda feel sorry for my H. He is off chasing rainbows, while he has it all and doesn't even realize it.

You see, believer, I cannot work any more because of my cancer. I depend on his insurance. It covers only 80% of medical expenses. We cover $6000 out of pocket a year. I cannot doit without him. That's a lot of money. Since he is working abroad I am probably not protected by the US laws. We have a daughter in college, se is in her third year. I am worried about the finances and my daughter’s future. I doubt in a year I will have a good life at all. I have a spread cancer and my doctor's estimate for my life is 2 years. Without treatment it will be a year. So I do not see anything good for me in the future. The only thing I could have is living the rest of my life in piece knowing that I have my family and they love me and will grieve me. He has taken that from me. I do not have time on earth to wait for him to come back. So what to do? To wait for the end? Yes, that is all I have now!

Thank you for your love, girls.
It helps to know that he willnot be happy with her. But I hope I will live long enough to see it!
Harudah,how long did it take your husband to come back?
He says he is not hurting about me or the situation. That he has alrady moved on. Has he? Is it possible to move on in 2 weeks after so many years? He wants to keep communication though. To write each other eamil and call once a week. Why? For me or for himself?

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: Kamara ]</small>

kamara -

Have you read manolinman's post on cancer, infidelity and death? It is extremely sad. It might give you a vision of how your H will feel if he loses you.

My best friend had breast cancer that spread. Her doctor gave her 2 years. Well she joined hospice and they finally had to kick her out. She lived 8 more years, and only died because she didn't want to take meds anymore - they made her "fat".

So if I were you, I would enjoy every single minute of my life, with or without H.

No, I haven't read manolinman's post. Where can i find it?

kamara - I bumped it up to the top of general questions. I will warn you. It is very sad.

Thank you, believer I have read it. But I think my situation is slightly different. Mandolinman's wife didn't know about his OW. If she had found out I am sure he would have broken it off with OW. He wouldn't have told her that their marriage could exist only if she didn't know. He wouldn’t have left her to die alone like my husband did.
Maybe my H will fell very bad after I go but it will be too late for me. I need his support now. It is crucial to me!

No he probably would not have broken it off with OW. Most do not, right away. I know that you need your H right now. I just don't know what to do about it.

Thank you, believer. Nobody can do anything right now. I just hope that the fog will disappear quickly and my husband will understand what he has done.

kamara -

I wish you could come down and visit Southern California. We could go to Disneyland, then sit on the beach, and watch the waves. Then we could go down to Mexico and dance the night away.There are lots of wonderful things in life, besides our WS's.

You know what, believer? If you are serious, I think I really could come!
It is probably 6 hours driving ro LA from here. maybe a little more but I could make it!

kamara -
I am serious. Why don't you fly down and we will do it. We will go to Disneyland, go to the beach and go dancing in Mexico.

We will have fun, and I will take care of you, hug you, pat you on the head, and be there for you.

Thank you, believer.
How could we discuss our plans? You think driving is not a good idea?