I'm new to this group and wish I didn't have to be here, but here I am. My husband dropped the bomb on me in November about his "emotional" affair with a co-worker that began (so he says) in August 2003. The day he confessed, he also told me that he told her it was "over". But, alas, it's February now and I think he's told me that at least 3 or 4 times now. Most recently, he told me he wrote her a note ending the relationship and even told his boss about it. I know I should have been happy, but frankly, he lies so much I don't believe anything he say anymore. Every time he tells me "it's over" that is just the beginning of another cycle of contacting her and lying to me. Except for the initial bomb-dropping, he only admits to things he knows I have hard evidence on. Until then, he denies, denies, denies, and even concocts these elaborate stories to cover his tracks. It's really a mind-blower that I'm married to a LIAR.

My question is this...he say's he hasn't slept with her, which, of course, I don't believe. He has alluded to instances of other types of physical contact, but he will not give me specifics. He says "it's not healty to talk about that", and that "it's not important". He maintains that "It wasn't physical". Well, there was some sort of touching (he admitted kissing), so that to me is physical. Furthermore, even though I know who she is and what department she's in and EVERYTHING, he still can't even admit her name to me! I even ask him, "Why can't you tell me her name is [blank]?" He just shakes his head and says "It doesn't matter who it is. I'm rambling, I know. Sorry. Without details, I'm left to just wonder. He says everytime I start asking about it, it just makes him think about "those things". Well, if it wasn't physical, how can there be any "things" to think about??!?? UGH!! I can't handle the lying!!! The affair is bad enough, but it would be a little easier to move forward if all the cards were on the table. Marriage isn't supposed to have any secrets, right??!??! Why should just live the next how-many years with this big question mark hanging over my head??!??!

Your questions mirror my own. How to get the truth from a WS. Thier A is build on lies. The big question is how do you know the A is over or no contact is being made when you don't know who the OP is? From what I've read complete honesty is one of the keys to recovery. I'm sorry I don't have any answers so I hope someone will post some helpful suggestions on getting the truth out of you WS.

But I DO know who she is...I just don't know all the specifics of what went on with them. He says he doesn't want to talk about it, I can't move on until it's out in the open. I totally believe in the Radical Honesty thing, but what do you do if only one of you is on board?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by question:
<strong> I'm new to this group and wish I didn't have to be here, but here I am. My husband dropped the bomb on me in November about his "emotional" affair with a co-worker that began (so he says) in August 2003. The day he confessed, he also told me that he told her it was "over". But, alas, it's February now and I think he's told me that at least 3 or 4 times now. Most recently, he told me he wrote her a note ending the relationship and even told his boss about it. I know I should have been happy, but frankly, he lies so much I don't believe anything he say anymore. Every time he tells me "it's over" that is just the beginning of another cycle of contacting her and lying to me. Except for the initial bomb-dropping, he only admits to things he knows I have hard evidence on. Until then, he denies, denies, denies, and even concocts these elaborate stories to cover his tracks. It's really a mind-blower that I'm married to a LIAR.

My question is this...he say's he hasn't slept with her, which, of course, I don't believe. He has alluded to instances of other types of physical contact, but he will not give me specifics. He says "it's not healty to talk about that", and that "it's not important". He maintains that "It wasn't physical". Well, there was some sort of touching (he admitted kissing), so that to me is physical. Furthermore, even though I know who she is and what department she's in and EVERYTHING, he still can't even admit her name to me! I even ask him, "Why can't you tell me her name is [blank]?" He just shakes his head and says "It doesn't matter who it is. I'm rambling, I know. Sorry. Without details, I'm left to just wonder. He says everytime I start asking about it, it just makes him think about "those things". Well, if it wasn't physical, how can there be any "things" to think about??!?? UGH!! I can't handle the lying!!! The affair is bad enough, but it would be a little easier to move forward if all the cards were on the table. Marriage isn't supposed to have any secrets, right??!??! Why should just live the next how-many years with this big question mark hanging over my head??!??! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H admitted his A when I cornered him with evidence and that I thought I who she was (he confirmed I was correct). He ended the A right there. BUT he did the whole "We only kissed, and some groping" story. Deep down I did not believe him. Believe in your instincts - they are there for a reason.

After 3 months of trying to get on the road to recovery, I was stuck. Kept having him repeat every answer he'd given me, kept obsessing over the OW, and everyday felt more and more depressed, angry and out of control. I eventually had a conversation with the OW and she told me they had a PA. Finally, I again, backed him into a corner and he finally admitted to the PA.(only after hours of denial and then hours of ME assuring him of MY love for him - WTF? Who had the A???)

If you "feel" he is still lying and he cannot answer all your questions, he is still hiding things. He needs to come clean - all the way for recovery to begin. Once my H did, he answers all my questions immediately and honestly. Even now, months after, I still have these random questions that pop into my head.

You need to stress this to him. Maybe he doesn't feel safe in coming clean. My H said he was sure that I would up and leave when I found out about the PA. I know it sucks that we, the BS have to create a comforting, safe feeling for the WS to confess or talk about things. WE should be the ones being comforted, made to feel safe, etc. But it doesn't always work that way. I guess if you want to know everything, that is what you need to accomplish. It still makes me sad that for both confessions, I had to "catch" him. That he didn't come forth with the info on his own. But I realize now that he has so many issues from his past with family situtations, that he didn't know how to come clean.

Are either of you in IC or in MC together? We are in IC and soon to being MC and have found C very helpful for us to understand not only the reasons for the decline of our M but also the ourselves.

It took one month, starting on 1/8/04, to begin getting the truth. I agree with the previous posts. Trust your intuition and I don't think you can heal until the truth is out. At first H was just saying he felt feelings of love that he had not revealed to the OW. Two weeks later I had to tell him my gut was telling me there was more and I NEEDED the truth. That's when he acknowledge in-love feelings being expressed for months. Two weeks later my gut made me question him about whether it was physical. His silence and avoidance told the story, and he knew I knew. I know he is relieved that I know. He's told me recently that he is finally feeling like himself again.

The lies are so rough. I asked him last summer if he was having an affair. I was naive enough to believe if I asked him he would tell me. I think they get so caught up in the lies and deceipt they don't even know how to tell the truth. My H knew I hated affairs and was probably terrified I'd dump him immediately. I'm in shock that I didn't. Good luck! I hope he comes clean soon. I also called the OW after I heard they were revealing feelings. In my case that is when the whole thing began to unravel for them, and especially her.

question,

Somehow.....your H has to understand that by leaving questions unanswered it's leaving you feeling like he's given you a 500 piece puzzle and he's taken some of the pieces AND the box so you can't put the puzzle together.

On the other hand.....you need to understand that by hearing the answers that you now think that you so desperately need....might in fact not help you at all.

I'm not saying that they may not be the answers you think they will be or that you might not like the answer.

I'm saying that at this point you think that by putting the puzzle together it will make you feel better....help you move on. It doesn't always work out that way.

Sometimes......just sometimes.....we have to deal with the fact that we aren't going to get all the answers that we are looking for.

Fraggles mentioned finally having a conversation with the OW. I wouldn't suggest that at all.
You can't really be sure that you can get anything out of her that would even remotely be near the truth....besides this woman is NOT a part of your life keep her as far out of YOUR life as possible. Besides.....it would probably look like a betrayal of sorts to your H.

I can't remember how many times the bomb was dropped on me.....and how many lies I was told.....but I finally got to a point where I quit relying on my H's account of everything and just started going on gut feelings.