I've rewritten this several times not knowing really what to write. I've never posted anything anywhere before so please bear with me.

Here goes, I just discovered my H is having an affair with his boss. I've always known that she wanted more than their business relationship/friendship but I never dreamed that my H would entertain anything like that.

Recently, my husband has been emotionally very shut off with me. He's going through some hard times and it's not uncommon for him to shut down when things are bothering him. I asked and offered support but tried not to push. We've had problems in the past but have always worked through them.

I began having doubts about his faithfulness but, again, didn't really belive he'd do anything. He's always been very adament that he would never cheat as his father had done it to his mother. Finally, the signs were just too clear and I questioned my H. He, of course, denied it. Even when the instant message popped up on his computer with a note from her saying how much she missed him and hoped he was thinking of her like she's thinking of him he still denied it. I discovered he had an email account (thanks to the instant message) that I didn't know about and was able to access it after trying a few common passwords he uses. I found many emails back and forth detailing their sexual experiences together. He still tried to deny it but eventually admitted they'd been having an affair on their business trips for about 2 months.

We talked for hours and he agreed to end with her and try to work things out with me. Sometimes I feel like a jerk for even giving him a second chance but we've been together 12 years (married 10) and have three children (5, 2.5, 1). Sometimes I feel I can forgive him and then I just burst into tears. I think the hardest part isn't knowing about the affair but having read their emails to each other where he described his 'longings' for her and provided details about what they'd done together and the feelings he had about it. It's not even the acts but the feelings he described that are bothering me.

Anyway, he's ended it with her and she has walked away without looking back. I know that she's afraid I'll tell her H about the affair and she said that she didn't want to come between my H and his children (should this result in divorce). According to my H, they discussed previously that their 'realationship' couldn't go anywhere and he said he figured it would be over within the next month anyway (no immediate business trips planned and a four hour distance between them so there would be no time together).

Anyway, I'm trying very hard to accept this and move on. I have a true love for my husband and, as stupid as this makes me sound, I know that he loves me also.

So, I guess I'm writing this in hopes that someone can provide me with some support. I don't want to share this with family or friends as I know they'd all think I'm a jerk for remaining with him and, should we get through this, they would always hold this against him. If anyone has any positive support for me I would appreciate it.

And, while I know I should keep my mouth shut, I truly want to tell her H what she's done. I belive that he deserves to know and, I guess more importantly for me, it's eating me alive that she will walk away from this with no consequences for what she's done. She (and my H) have destroyed my world and possibly the hope my children have for a normal life (should we not be able to work through this) and I belive she should have to deal with some consequences for that. Advice?

If you've made it to the end of this, I thank you so much for caring and reading my story. I truly would appreciate any support.

Thanks

confusedbymoc@yahoo.com

Hi,
I am certainly no expert here but from what I have read you should definitely inform the OW's husband. When the A is exposed it is much less likely to reignite.

As far as dealing with feelings and images, time is our only friend. I am 6 monthes into recovery and am still experiencing setbacks, but I believe that if you committ to trying to rebuild the marriage you will succeed. But it takes 2. Are you in Marriage Counsling? If not - Everyone here recommends it immidieatly.
Good luck and try to remain strong. Keep coming to this board as you will get the best advise in the world!

I can walk in your shoes and know evrything you feel and can tell you, it is ALL normal. Most important, you are Normal in all these weird feelings and emotions. There is no set time for it all to go away. Its been 2.5 years for me and I lost a good 4 hours sleep again last night. But What I must say, is please, tell the other spouse they were cheated on also. I wish I had. I did not for fear they would break up and he would have an excuse to come back after my wife. But that is unlikely given the truth about affairs and the short lust period they turn out to be. Its just one more set of eyes and ears to give you assuarnce day in and day out. Hang in there, it will get better.

confused -

You should tell OW's H. It will be less likely that the A will start back up again.

I wish someone would have notified OW#2's H at the end of the 1st A my H had with this OW...maybe I wouldn't be going through this now.

Take care.

sss

HI-
I just read your message and although I cannot offer any advice as I am in your same shoes- see my post from today. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and if you would like to email me as we are in similar stages please feel free. Sorry to hear that you are going through this too- your feelings are not uncommon- I think seeing these emails ir much worse that if he had told me about the a- Take care.
Linda
Lindaanarrie@hotmail.com