anything conceived in deceit will not last...when the passion pass, there will only remain doubts and suspicions and it will lead to destruction!

LSIB:

I assume you are talking about an extra-marital affair, or is it something else? I believe this to be true nonetheless. This from someone who is experiencing the hardship of this first-hand.

Let me know if my assumptions are incorrect.

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostsoulinboston:
<strong> anything conceived in deceit will not last...when the passion pass, there will only remain doubts and suspicions and it will lead to destruction! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Your assumptions are correct. My wife is having an emotional affair with a married coworker. My story posted in previous posts. I'm new to this. All i feel is pain and all I do is cry all day.

I'm very sorry for your situation, my friend.

The pain is normal and will, believe it or not, help you get through this time. How long have you known about it? If it is recent, as I suspect it is, you will feel a range of emotions, from anger, betrayal, denial, hatred, fear, etc. These are normal and expected. No, it does not make it any easier for us.

Do you have a support system? Don't spend too many hours on your own right now, and work on your own well-being.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, as is my wife.

Shaken

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostsoulinboston:
<strong> Your assumptions are correct. My wife is having an emotional affair with a married coworker. My story posted in previous posts. I'm new to this. All i feel is pain and all I do is cry all day. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

first, thanks for taking your time to help out. I need it so much. My story in a nutshell:
1. been married for 7 years very good for 2..started to go bad after the 2 years.

2. i started drifting apart and falling into deep depression. (later we found out just a few weeks ago that it was partly because of hormone imbalance and chemical imbalance). That made me distant and i was not connected emotionally. Of course that lead to our problems. I would be ok one time and next not.

3. She started communicating with a male friend at work more often with marital problems of his own for about 6 months. He started to have feelings for my wife 2 months ago...my wife for him...1 month ago. I just found out this past valentines day.

4. this emotional infidelity hasn't lead to anything other then work. but she says she feels happy with him and made a connection...and thinks she loves him. and she says she is numb with me....and thinks it started when she started to have feelings for him.

5. now, her emotions for me is no where to be seen. its like if she is someone else. she still loves and cares for me but just cant feel anything for me. before the love was so powerful even if i had to smallest discomfort she would want to take it away. if we seperate for a little while our hearts would ache. now with her...nothing. she says she doesn't recognize herself with me. but she does have these feelings like she used to with me with the OM. she did say she wants to have it with me but can't go on with me if she doesn't have this feeling. she keeps saying she doesn't deserve my love and i'm too good for her bla bla...but i know that isn't true.

6. she doesn't blame me for what happened....i don't blame her either because i was sick and it was biologically and physically impossible for me to connect fully as I wanted, we both don't hold anything against that.

7. Right now, i'm getting help for my health. antidepressents, endrocronologist for hormones and therapist for mental and emotional trauma....but i can't help but cry all day long. She knows i will get better and has all the faith that I will. And knows that I will be that person she onced loved. but the problem is that she can't feel it. She can't feel that love. And she doesn't know if she can let go of the OM.

8. the OM is married and has 3 small children. He also has been married for 7 years...but we don't have children...we are still young...I'm 29 and shes 26 been really married for 4 years but been together for 7 but we call it 7 years of marriage because that is what it was for us. the OM's W wants him back...at least that is what my W is telling me. And my W doesn't want to lie to me. She will tell me about things openly...we still have that.

9. I asked if she would want to go to marriage councling. She said no. I asked again, would she go for me, she said yes. I don't get it.

10. She doesn't hate me. She doesn't dislike me. She just doesn't feel for me. She just doesn't know right now. Someone mentioned she is in deep fog. What can I do to be the beacon to let our hearts meet again?


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anything conceived in deceit will not last...when the passion pass, there will only remain doubts and suspicions and it will lead to destruction!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostsoulinboston:
<strong>
2. i started drifting apart and falling into deep depression. (later we found out just a few weeks ago that it was partly because of hormone imbalance and chemical imbalance). That made me distant and i was not connected emotionally. Of course that lead to our problems. I would be ok one time and next not.

At least you acknowledge the fact that you played a big part in your wife distancing herself from you. This is the first step, and I am pleased you are not denying your part in this.

3. She started communicating with a male friend at work more often with marital problems of his own for about 6 months. He started to have feelings for my wife 2 months ago...my wife for him...1 month ago. I just found out this past valentines day.

Yes, this is normal. When one spouse feels rejected or her feelings are not being validated, rightly or wrongly they will gravitate toward someone who will validate their feelings. It often does not matter what this person looks like, what their marital status is, etc.

4. this emotional infidelity hasn't lead to anything other then work. but she says she feels happy with him and made a connection...and thinks she loves him. and she says she is numb with me....and thinks it started when she started to have feelings for him.

Most women need to feel an emotional connection to a man before they embark on anything sexual in nature

5. now, her emotions for me is no where to be seen. its like if she is someone else. she still loves and cares for me but just cant feel anything for me... she keeps saying she doesn't deserve my love and i'm too good for her bla bla...but i know that isn't true.

By becoming emotionally numb, it allows the hurt spouse to protect themselves from further hurt. It does not necessarily mean they no longer love you; but it does mean there are likely serious problems to work out. Ignore alot of what she says. Spouses who are emotionally or sexually attached to someone else will often say things they don't really mean.

7. Right now, i'm getting help for my health. antidepressents, endrocronologist for hormones and therapist for mental and emotional trauma....but i can't help but cry all day long.

Good, though sometimes anti-depressents and other drugs can make you emotionally vulnerable. Nothing wrong with crying though.

8. And my W doesn't want to lie to me. She will tell me about things openly...we still have that.

This is a really great sign. I strongly suggest you keep encouraging your wife to open up to you. Don't discourage it at this point, but don't push it. I would do anything if my wife would make herself emotionally vulnerable with me just one more time...

9. I asked if she would want to go to marriage councling. She said no. I asked again, would she go for me, she said yes. I don't get it.

My wife said the same thing. She would go to help me, but not to work on the marriage. Now she doesn't go at all...

10. She doesn't hate me. She doesn't dislike me. She just doesn't feel for me. She just doesn't know right now. Someone mentioned she is in deep fog. What can I do to be the beacon to let our hearts meet again?


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anything conceived in deceit will not last...when the passion pass, there will only remain doubts and suspicions and it will lead to destruction! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

This morning I made breakfast...actual did it all the time because I know how tired she is right now.that and i'm a great cook. anyway, she seems to grow more distant, inconsiderate, cold. she even left the table after she finished eating but i was not...which never happened. she didn't start breakfast before i sat down at least and said thanks but the thanks i think is just habitual not real. my heart just doesn't stop hurting...feels like i swallowed a grapefruit

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostsoulinboston:
<strong> anything conceived in deceit will not last...when the passion pass, there will only remain doubts and suspicions and it will lead to destruction! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">all I can is you are right!!!! IT IS VERY TRUE!

Hi lostsoul,

I just wanted to say I've been there.. I've been in your wife's shoes.. and my husband found out as well. I know from his perspective what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. If you would like some suggestions I'll be happy to try.. The first one is read everything you can here and also the books that are recommended by marriagebuilders.. My husband did that and he got past the heartache to welcome me back with open arms and he never once stopped loving me or trying with me. And even though I was deep in the fog and felt I was in love with the OM.. it didnt take long for me to find it was all a fantasy.. it was something I used to make me feel alive again.. My real and true love is and always was my husband.. and I will never put him through this kind of pain again.. I live with the guilt today but am determined to be the best wife possible from this day on..

Please dont give up and take heart. You can win her heart back but it will take time. Affairs never last and they are fraught with pain and insecurity and anxiety even at best. The fog of the addiction makes the lovers feel as if they cannot live without each other..but give it time.. Time changes so much..and most affairs die a natural death as a result of those involved waking up and seeing things realistically.. They cant live in la la land forever.. and things will change..I promise you..especially since OM is married as well..

I will be thinking about you.. Just wanted you to know I will be here for you if you need to talk on this forum..Hope something I said helped just a little..

Take care,
Lori

Hi Lori,

It does help tremendously. Getting advise from someone who already went through what I am going through now is so incredible. Gives me prospective. What helps in this case is that you have gone through what my W is going through and can help me better understand the emotional and mental state of my W.

I do wish to help and give much support. But I do know I cannot last forever like this. I will be strong for both me and my wife. I am thankful we do not have children...but the OM's family is with 3 little children. Breaks my heart to even think what it is doing to the W of the OM. But i have to focus on me. She has been walking all over my generosity and compassion for this situation. I understand she is in a very selfish mode, but i cannot allow myself to be in deeper pain. I can't pity myself and be a victem of their state of weakness. I must be strong. For my...for my W and if we do...for our future. I am grateful that i have found forums and support groups. To see the caring people out there has touched my heart. I have to say it is uplifted in this dark part of my life. Thank you....keep the advise coming.

Hi again Lost soul..

Just have a few minutes before I have to go but will be back tomorrow and will look for your post. I am happy that anything I said has helped in any way. What your wife is putting you through has not registered with her as yet..but believe me it will.. give her time to see the light. Right now she is in the fog and living the fantasy and she doesnt want to see the light. However, affairs are addictions, and soon it will begin to cause her more pain than pleasure.

Believe it or not she is in pain as well right now. She thought she could get away with this, she thought the excitement and bliss of forbidden love and fantasy would go on forever..She thought she could juggle you and the OM and keep both of you content.. but when it was discovered and the affair saw the light of day, it all changed. The OM must live in fear you will call his wife. The fantasy world they have created has already begun to crumble and crack.

If you can be patient and just love her, althewhile letting her know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate this behavior... that is a good beginning I think..then it is up to her. Stand your ground but never give up... let her know your love is there and it is unfailing..but she must prove something too.. She needs to show remorse and act that way ...she has hurt you and broken your marriage vows.. Dont let her off the hook ..

I am thinking of you and will return tomorrow.. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled but I am very short on time right now.. I'll look for you on here tomorrow..

Hugs and take care of you
Lori