After a week of the never ending rollercoaster, I've decided to go to Plan B. Plan A won't work, he's in withdrawal, MOST of the time.

One day he came over to pick up some financial stuff to pay bills, he came in for what was supposed to be a minute. We ended up talking and crying for hours. Both of us cried and mourned our loss. His guilt over the A was overwhelming to him. I was in a supportive role of his withdrawal that day. I encouraged he leave our marriage and have the relationship he had in his heart. The more I suggested this, the more he cried over me, he said, What about you ? I said I would be okay.

That day he left, so shakenly upset he got into a minor car accident on his way back to his mothers. This was the day he was supposed to leave for Ohio on business. He called me, and asked me to come to the accident. I did.

He then asked me to take him to the airport the next day. Which I did.

The next two days, I became pushy and demanding.

I pushed him OUT of conflict RIGHT BACK INTO WITHDRAWAL. Last night we talked on the phone, and he had said as much. He said I was putting too much pressure on him. He said one minute I'm saying things that make sense, and the next, I'm convincing him more and more this won't ever work.

Anger sneaks in, I'm the one that woke up last week to find out my husband was having an A. For a year ? Yet he needs to remind me, how much pressure I'm putting on him ?

So I think I will do what he first asked me to do, and I tried and failed miserably, is to give it time. When I agreed to give him time, he was much easier to approach. But I saw an open door, and went in too aggressively.

How do I write an effective Plan B letter ? Do I stop calling him ? Do I stop being the one that makes contact ?

Is today too soon to do this, or should I wait for his return on Friday to give him this letter ?

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I am fairly new to all this myself but did want to respond. So here is my 2 cents for free.....

First,1 week of plan A isn't long enough --your husband is still in fog. You should read up on plan A and do it effectively for a decided time frame -- I did it for 3 months some do it longer some shorter.

Second, be prepared for more information on the A to come out - it will be difficult but know that he is being honest when he is and work through it.

Third, see a doctor and get on anti-depressants- it will help you through plan A and the emotional rollercoaster ride from HE**.

Lastly continue to come here to vent, get advice,etc --- there are many wise people here that can and wlll help you

I agree. You should be in PLAN A longer. He already felt guilty. It takes some time to go through the withdrawl period. Have some patience and don't press.

If you feel angry or sad or hurt, just come here to vent. Lots of people will help you.

I'm not entirely sure Plan A will work. He seems to truly respond better when he believes I'm moving away. When I pull back, he responds better, and is more open to communicating. There is such a huge part me of that things this is really over. I don't think there is enough in the LB to pull this together.
He admitted to me only yesterday that he talked of a future with the OW.
I don't know if that means more then I'm willing to admit.
If he wanted to leave, why didn't he just leave ? I know he's in the "FOG" but if I'm on plan A, and at the end of the "FOG" he chooses to persue a future with the OW. Then it starts all over again for me doesn't it ?
He assures me it's not about me or her, it's about him. But I don't believe that. I think if she would take him back, he'd learn to overcome his guilt to pursue a future with her. She offers him far more then I do.

Stay in Plan A. It is not about getting him back, but to show him what a good marriage you could have.

It probably is not about you. Why do you say she offers much more than you?

Culturely, they are the same, we are not. She's never been married, never had any children. He can have that with her, children. I have children from a previous marriage. In the beginning, he didn't want children. Lately, (I think since my sister had her first baby) he decided he may like to have some. This isn't an option for me. I wouldn't have entered into this marriage if I thought for a minute that was an issue.

Again, culturely, they are the same. Our cultures differ greatly. I've never had a relationship with his mother because of our differences. My family accepted him with open arms. And loved him unconditionally.

She's only 28, and has been his emotional support for a year. When we have jobs, and health, and kids, and finances to worry about, and argue about, she got all the good stuff. All the attention he wanted. The text page I found was signed mi bella, which means My beauty in spanish, which is what he must call her.

This hurts SO much. I'd give absolutely anything to not be feeling this. Anything.

It's easy to be suppotive when you have no bills, no problems, etc.

It's much too early to have any idea of what will happen. Hang in there.

Thank you for the support. One day at a time. I'm going to be okay. Just one day at a time. I'm trying to just let myself feel what's really happened to my life. Whenever it starts to sink in, I run from the pain because it's just so intense. Things looked better on sunday. But I put pressure on tuesday that made him angry. I'm not stopping the cycle. For his time, and space, and my sanity, I've got to find it in me to just let him be. He said if it's meant to be, it will be. I just have to learn to let go in the meantime.

I will join the chorus and say it's way too early to go to Plan B. But don't think that just because you are in Plan A, you can't give him what he wants - space and time to think. All Plan A means is that you let him make the choices - to come see you, to talk to you, to call you. And that when he does, you respond appropriately.

In the meantime, it's going to be so tough on you. I know only too well how hard it is and how the pain can be almost physical. That's where talking, and talking, and more talking helped me through. I found friends I never knew I had, all because I opened up and asked for help. Posting on MB was another source of comfort - everyone here was a lifesaver, I don't know what I'd have done without them. And a counselor, which I'd never believed in before, but which I now advocate whole-heartedly.

Let it go and concentrate on yourself. Just keep remembering, you can't make him do anything, not really - these are all his choices.

SH94

I can feel your pain, because I am having the same pain. It is very difficult. No sleeping, can't eat, heart beat fast, fatigue, etc. But we have to do it. COme here to talk.

I'm trying. Thank you so much. I can't believe how many people go through this. I can't believe how many people feel what I feel.

The rollercoaster is the worst. In desperate attempts to get off it, I make more mistakes.

Things seemed more hopefully until I thew a couple love busters this week.

I can't keep blaming myself though. As much of a FOG he is in, this happened to me too. I may have had issues, but I never lied, betrayed, or cheated on my husband.

I know he loves me. I know he doesn't have a clue what he wants. He seems convinced this can't work out.

He has to deal with all new stuff, I took care of everything financially. He doesn't know what gets paid and when. He wrecked his car. He's messing up on his job. He cries, then gets angry and says he has to be on his own for awhile. He has to find out what went wrong with him. I'm so afraid that in the end, I won't have my marriage. I know I have to give it everything I have, to save it, to save him, to save me. It shouldn't BE THIS HARD.

I'm not sure the A is over. So I can't move on to plan B. I've read that if his FOG is going to lift, it will take about 3 weeks. If that time comes and goes, and I see no effort on his part, do I begin to move to plan B at that point ?

I am as painful and confused as you are. I also don't know whether I should be in Plan A or Plan B. I guess that our biggest fear is that the M is over. Everytime i think about this, my heart broke. But we can do nothing. Let's put it to GOD.

That's all we can do. I'm going to let go and let God. I'm giving him time. Perhaps one day he'll remember how good we were together. Perhaps not. One day at a time. We'll get through this. Whether or not our marriages our saved, we have to get up every day and keep going on . I don't regret the 6 years I had with my H. He taught me love and happiness. And even if it didn't last forever. It was worth having while it was here. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You are good. hang on there.

Stay in Plan A. It may take several months to have him figure it out. I know that is not what you want to hear. In the meantime, work on changing the only one you can, yourself.

Huge change in plans. I'm walking away. By NO means do I think any of you should, but last night was a deal breaker for me.
OW called me AGAIN. Wanted to pretty much tell me to back off. She's very sorry, but she loves my H. And hinted to the fact they are having a baby.
Tried to contact WH for MANY hours. Was not able to. Finally got through to him. Said seeya, good luck to ya both. Tell that Psycho to stop calling me. I am filing for divorce today.
This may seem wrong to all of you, and I apologize, but this isn't worth it to me any longer.
I had to listen to her tell me how young and beautiful she was. I told her KEEP HIM. I don't want him.
What a fool I turned out to be. Listening to his lies about "needing time".
In reality, "time" was seeing if his A with her could take the punch of finding out he in fact was married. Well after she found out, and dumped him, she took him back quick enough. I'm worth more then this. Not to anyone else, but to myself.
I'll check back, to lend you all support, fight for what is true and meant to be. Be strong for yourselves, and thank you for you support through this VERY difficult time.

Huge change in plans. I'm walking away.

I think this is the smartest thing you could do.
I am one of the few on here who think relationships are saved more often and FASTER when the BS does exactly as you said you are going to do. It would not surprise me one bit, if this new attitude of yours is the catalyst that will bring him back.

Stay strong... there is nothing weak about letting go and showing self respect and confidence, and as a matter of fact usually brings them back to their senses if there is a chance to save the relationship. I have many examples of it happening just that way......

Good luck

Thank you SO much for your support. But honestly I don't want this to want him to come back. I want him to lie in the bed he made. This girl (15 years his junior) is vicious and mean. She had absolutely nothing to gain from attacking me the way she did. She doesn't know me from Adam. If she can be that way to me, boy is HE in for a rude awakening. I hope he finds out in the long run what betrayal and lies feels like.
I was a very supportive wife, and put up with a lot. A LOT.
I want NC from him what so ever.
I'm independant financially, and never depended on anyone buy myself.
He's the loser here.
And my mom always promised me what goes around comes around.
I've seen that too many times to know she wasn't lying to me.
Every day is one more day, but it's a new day.
Thank you again !

Wow, that was quite a shock. Time for you to do 180's and move on with your life. I just told my H the same thing, they deserve each other. He is having financial problems. I told him time for his soulmate to get a job.

I'm doing much better now. You will too.

Financial trama is what my WH will experience as well. He doesn't know what gets paid or when. He wrecked his favorite sports car last week, his job is in jeopardy.
This exact thing happened to my Best friend about 2 years ago, and he went through such a trama, he tried for 6 months to get his WW back.
In the end.... she's close to bankruptcy, the OM she left my BF for never left his W. My BF has been dating a pharmacist for the last 8 months, and sees a wonderful future ahead of him.
We weren't the ones doing the devasting deeds.
I think the same thing will happen to my WH. Good for him. Shame on him, and shame on her for keeping the A going after she found out he was married. The words.... I'm so sorry...but I love your H.... did it for me.... 180. I'm so deeply tapped into my own life now. I trust and believe this will turn out well for me, and he'll regret this for the rest of his living days.