DD day was 4 weeks ago, when I found a pile of email love letters. My husband had been having an internet affair for 9 months with a woman in Europe. This woman was an ex girlfriend of his, 30 years ago. He had sought her out.

The reason, he gave me for seeking her out was that this 16 year old girl 30 years ago attempted suicide over him, when he broke off the relationship after 3 months. Apparently, she pursued him for one year after that, to no avail and then slit her wrists in desperation when she realized she could not have him.

At the time, when my husband initiated contact, our 17 year old daughter was having major problems- anorexia, poor self esteem and had threatened suicide and slashed her wrists on numerous occasions. He initiated the affair in those weeks of living hell, seeing psychiatrists for my daughter and not knowing when there would be an outburst or another attempt from her.
He tells me he felt guilty that he had caused this situation with this girl and needed to contact her to apologise.

However, the OW attempted suicide was never mentioned other than he apologized for hurting her in the past.
Other changes which occurred with my husband were the buying of a BMW sports car, concern with appearance - started going to the gym very regularly, buying of young clothes and contemporary music our children were listening to.
As I have the initial emails, my husband went beyond apologizing and continued to email her with each email becoming more intimate and then finally declaring his love for her. The OW encouraged him as she was doing the same thing.
Regular emails, international phone calls and gifts were made and sent- to the point of obsession.

Some of the recent emails , my husband went into a 10 page letter detailing how they were both going to leave their spouses and addressing the concerns of the OW eg where they were going to live etc. They would make their final decision when they met. She was to come to our country this December. In this letter, my husband did not mention our children they appear to not have existed. Her children were discussed and the impact it was to have on her children and how that was to be resolved.

When I asked him about this, he told me that he was in fantasy world and to have mentioned our children was to have faced the real world.He has always been a devoted father- attending all school and sports functions and looking after them as babies when I worked part time. He bonded very much to our children and loves them dearly.
I would like to believe him on this but the emails sent were so explicit in their undying love for one another. In the first few days after I found out, he had difficulty in saying he had not fallen in love with her.
After one month, now he says that he was like an addict and now that he has a clear head, there were many qualities about this woman he did not like. He has written a letter detailing the reason he contacted her in the first place and how he did not love her but was trying to escape into a fantasy world where there were no problems (as was occurring in our house hold at the time) and trying to relive his youth as he was going through a midlife crisis. He also wants to tell her what he did not like about her.
I do not know if this letter should be sent. I do not know how she will react.
I am angry at him everyday. Not only because he betrayed my trust but because he did it at a time when the family needed him the most. During the 9 months, my son was also undergoing many tests for a tumour. This was for about 3 months.

He knew that 2003 was the worst year of my life because of the health problems of our children.
He tells me he is sorry every day but I just cant seem to forget about it - attacking him verbally everyday. I was quite violent- hitting and punching him on DD day.

Can someone help as to the advantages and disadvantages of sending such a letter. As I have little trust in him, the letter may be sent and he could follow up with another saying none of it is true. He has contacted her by phone and emails after DD day, when I told him he was not to have further contact with her.

We have 3 children, aged 17 15 and 13. Been married 21 years and together 26 years. H 47 years and me 44 years.

Get on the marriage builders wagon. It sounds like it was a fantasy for him. He should send no contact letter that should say he loves you and is going to work on his marriage and be a father to his kids, and wants no more contact from her.

You can read all about affairs, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation on the home page "quick clicks".

Hi.
I am not sure if you mentioned that there is no more contact with his ex anymore???

I can relate your pain, and the feelings of anger.
My. H. did the same thing. But he worked with her. The e-mails that they had written to each other were "hot" as a co-worker explained. The feelings of betrayal are almost impossible to pin point every emotion that goes a long with it. My H. had both a EA and PA. Claimed too that he fell in love with this ugly OW. I know and can feel all the pain.

As believer mentioned about the no contact letter. First he has to be done with the A. If he says he is. Great. But put passwords on all the computers so no more of that. Log on to the net and see an itemized bill from your long distance carrier to make sure. Including his cell phone. My H. took the bill and had them send it to his address (he was living out of state do to a job. I was supposed to be joining him down the road) but he wasn't smart to realize we can utilized the internet.
It depends on what you want to say to this OW? If you want to bash her, highly not recommended that you write a letter. First write a letter to yourself on what you would like to say to her. If you find anything offensive then you know you are on the wrong track. If you do decide to write, make sure she knows that you are well aware of her and you are not going to give up lightly. Not sure if this is right, but you can say that you and your H. discussed their little EA and found it was just a get away and he was just using her to get through a rough period??? Man did she play your H. But that doesn't make him innocent.

Let me know.....
Ali

When I confronted my husband, I told him I did not want him to have any contact with her. Instead, he emailed her and phoned her. I had this feeling that contact was not over and was harassing him over this for the past week. He finally told me that he had been in contact and had started a new email address. He gave me the address and password. I read his letters and hers. They were not love letters.

His consisted of telling the OW to patch it up with her husband and to tell him, as I knew her address and phone number. I had threatened to contact her husband. She responded angrily saying why had he left the email letters lying around and why had he not protected her and her family. She was concerned that I would phone and tell her children. She had told her husband and he wanted to work on the marriage. She then told my husband that she did not want him or me to contact her or any of her family.

My husband responded ( 3 weeks after DD DAY- when I had calmed down) reassuring her that I would not be making contact with anybody.

One week later, she replied abusing my husband. This letter she wrote informing my husband that her family were aware of this letter. I do not know if this meant they knew the contents of it???

Here goes as to what she wrote:

You are not a man. Stand up to your wife. She should not be treating you like this. I gave my husband two choices 1. DIVORCE 2.GO BACK TO WHAT WE HAD AS IF THIS HAD NOT HAPPENED.

Tell your wife to grow up. She needs psychiatric help.

Why did you tell your wife "It was a game" I told my husband the truth. What game are you playing now. Why are you lying to her?

She also wrote DO NOT CONTACT ME OR MY FAMILY AGAIN

Tell your wife " She has had her revenge. I have had to tell my husband and family" Tell your wife to ring my husband on his mobile and he will tell her what he thinks about all this. She did not want me to contact him on the home number.

She wrote "Why did you ring and ask me to make the decision. I told you, we could not decide until after we had met. Instead, you put this pressure on me saying " I have to make a decision you or her" Make your own decision.


As he had phoned her ON the day of DD day.It was this last remark in her last letter to my husband which I have been most upset about. I asked my husband about this . Were you going to leave? Did she make the decision for you because you had not met? His reply was "It is all a dream. I do not remember saying this to her. She could be writing this in front of her husband to satisfy him. He said , have a look at the emails after DD day and you will see I did not speak about leaving you but rather her staying with her husband and telling him before you told him. If I wanted her, I would have left and gone after her and we would have had our meeting.

My husband did not reply to this abusive letter. She sent another letter the next day, along the lines of My last letter to you was exagerated and confused. I have been under a lot of stress. Is this how our love is to end? If you need to talk to somebody about this. You can contact my sister or mother who know all about this. They will help you and listen to you. She gave him their phone number. They live in our country, not far from us. My husband replied "Thank you" and has claimed he has not contacted them. I asked him why he thanked her. He said it was a sarcastic thank you. ???How can you tell sarcasm
over an email.

I do not know what to make of this recent contact. I would appreciate input. Is she still interested. Why did my husband say thank you.

Should my husband send a NC letter saying he loves me and NOT her. Should it be explicit as to what he did not like about her. Is this my revenge. What have I to gain other than assurance.

Please someone help

The letter should be short and not talk about her at all. It should say he loves you and wants to work on his marriage and be a father to his kids and wants no contact with her.

I would still contact OW' H. My WH's OW told him and I that she confessed to her H. That was all a big lie. I went and talked to him and he was completely shocked.

Should the letter say "My husband loves me" or "I am the only woman my husband has ever loved." Am I being pedantic or just reassurance again from my husband.

The OW wants me to contact her husband. She has provided his mobile number. How do I know the person on the other end is her husband or a friend. She wrote to my husband that if I attempt to contact her husband on the home phone number, he will abuse me.

i believe she does not want her children to get the wind of it . ????

I agree that the letter needs to be short and not talk about her.

What did she mean that she shouldn't be treating you like this???? What? That you got upset that you found out about his A.?
As you probably figured it out, she is the one who is nuts! And when the BS eventually finds out, the A. usually ends. I think this is what all the heat is coming from.
Would it be therapeutic for you to write a letter to her? As psycho as she is being, I would not recommend it after reading her reaction! Is she north or south of the border? I thought she was over seas and that would have put a body of water between the two of you.
Funny, my H. OW said the almost the same thing. She said; "You better control your wife!" He got upset because I did call her to let her know I was onto them. She is a very evil women and the things she said to me with such nerve is unbelievable. Actually, not so. I prepared for what was going to be said.
There was a lot of trama too in my family when my H. decided to have an A. When he left for that job, my youngest was scheduled for surgery, my H. took a $30,000.00 paycut. We found out that are oldest was diagnosed with autism and the psychological dent that was in my H. emotions because of his job loss's where very difficult.

But do you have a plan? Because what is going to take place is going to a long hard bumpy road. You might be in that fog yourself right now. Not sure if you understand the term fog. But when you get further out into D day, you might become more confused, upset and and even angrier.

I knew something was happening with my H. since around the time it started. I doubted my self over and over until I came down there to visit. He treated me worse than dirt. He nearly risked my life by trying to convince me to get on a plane to go "home" after I was admitted into the hospital. The Drs thought I had a gull bladder attack and warned him that if they don't admit me, I could die. He was adamant about getting me on that plane still so he could start his A. He took me home and had to admit me again because I became worse. The whole time I was down there, she was enticing him with the e-mails and the little suprises. Totally making me look bad! She could not wait to spend an evening alone with him and see "What he feels like without his clothes on!"
Sooooo. my point was that when the truth from his mouth came out, a couple of days later, I was told him that I wanted us to work, how much he meant to me etc. When in fact I was still in a daze with my head spinning really trying to find out if this is a nightmere or reality. So.... you will have a long ride a head of you if you do not make a plan.

Getting back to that letter to psycho women. Again tell us what you think you would be gaining from it?

Keep me posted...
Ali

Just read your recent post.

If you tell her that your H. loves you and only you, you are making a fool out of yourself in her eyes. Because he wrote to her that he loved her.
So by justify that you are making yourself look bad.

Ali

I do not want to write the letter. My husband wants to write the letter. He wants to write to tell her that it was all a fantasy and that he was not in love with her but the courtship game as it made him feel young again. He was having a mid life crisis.

I do not know if this is the way to go. I do not know how destructive she can be, as she has all these emails my husband sent.

What are your thoughts on this

Hi Anne,

I would suggest that he does not contact her in any form. That way, the point that he will be making is that he really doesn't care about her.
If he does contact her with a letter, it will be as if he is justifing his actions and it will get her upset even more.

He needs to focus on the two of you. Now is the time to talk about what was he missing in your M. And how you two can meet each others needs again. It works both ways. He should be meeting yours as well as you meeting his.

I know I might sound inconsistant. But I didn't see how unstable she is. Also, if there is a chance that her H. might beat her, there will be no chance of him finding a letter from him. Her kids are innocent and should not be subjected to domestic violence.

So, that is my opinion. Do you need to find closure in all of this? Or has your H. given you the chance? It is very important for closure.

Good luck Anne. I will be thinking of you.

Ali

Hi Anne,

You need to move forward and try and concentrate on fixing what broke between you and H. It is really easy to want to get even with the OW but you will use too much energy - use that energy to build your relationship with your H. It sounds like you have had a very very stressful time with your daughter etc and of course your H has too and sometimes they do get forgotten. He found comfort in this friend and off the EA went. The good thing is it sounds like he wants to move on. Sometimes it is best to try and ignore the other person. If she writes don't even read her messages. The OW will get mad when she realises she is no longer fueling yours or his fire but eventually she will give up.
Work hard on your H and try and use positive energy on that instead of negative energy on her - she is not worth it!!
DR H suggest the NC letter but maybe in your situation it will get a very angry person even more angrier...and may therefore not be the right approach for your situation.
Keep at it it is a hard uphill struggle but having been there too I know it will be very much worth it.

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: Britt777 ]</small>

Thank you Ali and Brit for your advice.

Thought of my husband telling another woman he loves her is consuming me. The love letters were so descriptive and their plan to be together forever is nauseating. I have lost so much weight.

I lash out at him everyday and then we make up. Lots and lots of love busters. I seem to want to know every detail. I have told him to leave every day for the past month but I dont mean it. I tell him I do not want to stand in the way of him getting together with the "perfect woman" as described in the letters. He tells me he loves me and does not want her.

I suppose this letter might be some form of closure for me. It is like I want that love back. I dont know if I need to do this though. My husband is putting up with a lot from me. I am very angry towards him , insulting at times and very sarcastic. He told me he is worried I may have a nervous breakdown.

I am angry he started this EA when his daughter was in such a state and when I needed his support the most.

In the past few months he had become distant and aggressive towards us all . One night , in bed I appealed to him telling him that he was killing me with his behaviour towards me and the children. He did not respond. It was after this night that I was convinced he was having an affair. I got up at 3.00am the next evening and started looking - his wallet and low and behold a phone card. why did he need this card/ This made me look more and more.

As I look back over the nine months, I am overwhelmed at the deceit that had been taking place. I never expected it from him. He has always been regarded as a family man.

I reread some of the letters and in one of them before love was declared, she stated " I detect a sadness in your marriage." She knew things were not right but it was not between my husband and I but rather the tragic ordeal of coping with a suicidal daughter. It was after this letter that she wrote to him again and declared her love. It then proceeded from there. She is such a *****.

Enough venting . I thought it best to air my feelings here. Mu husband has been copping it everyday. He does love me and apologizes profusely for the stupid mistake. He cannot believe it happened. When I go berserk, he holds me tight and cries how sorry he is.

I believe him. I need to expend my energy more positively.

My thoughts go out to you and believe me like most of us here we have all been there.

My H had an EA with a girl at work I found out when he started doing things out of character and read his emails....and boy just like you some of the stuff they were saying was heavy heavy heavy. At the time it was completely numbing to read and think what they were saying was true. In one email I read how my H had spoken to a lawyer about whether she would get custody of her daughter - all these emails were in the spate of about 2 weeks - so things moved very fast. The EA is all over now - 1 year on and my husband and I are closer than we have ever been. I still get sad and angry and of course do think at times he is still speaking to her, but that has to be only natural ( I know in my heart of heart he isn't). Some of the things that have come out of all this is looking back he totally agrees it was an addiction. HE was suffering from low self esteem and he was doing everything with her that was boosting his self esteem - I mean come on he is a man! He said it just felt so good everytime she told him she loved him! It is like an alcholic having another drink I guess.
The emails hurt me of course they did. But once we started putting units back in our love bank, my H also went on Anti depressents without a doubt he was depressed, thinks slowly improved. He told me it was over between them and for maybe 3 months after whilst I know they weren't seeing each other real time they did IM at work and call. But eventually I guess I had restored the love bank units, the anti Depressents kicked in. Plus I left her a very strong message on her cell phone after her calling him one day to discuss something about work. That was the turning point I think she was angry about the fact my H had told me she called and told me what the problem was and of course given me her phone number...you see suddenly she now couldn't trust him - so I guess felt let down by him too.

SO it does take time and you will feel you want to get your revenge but please make time for your husband - he was secretly hurting more than you know when you daughter was sick and wrongly he sought help from the OW. You need to be there to help him through this. Men are too brave to show their true feelings to their wives and children and as soon as someone else shows some support - bingo that's it. And of course because they are in this fog the OW was fueling the addiction and your H couldn't see anything else.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Just keep pushing him down the NC - but make him want you. He will give her up, it may just take small steps.

Good luck