I just found out this morning that H has been to a matchmaking service as of last week (that I know of). I am devastated and very hurt, yet I had a very strong feeling that H has been cheating on me since last year when I was pregnant. We have a 6 mo. old son. I can't get into H's email because he changed his password sometime ago. Is there a way that I can get his password so that I can see who has been emailing him? Is there a way to do this w/o him finding out? Just last night when we were arguing, I asked him if he has been hiding anything from me. Of course he lied to me, looking me in the eyes, and told me no. He has called me paranoid and last night threatened to leave me taking our son. The problem, I don't have a job. I did for about a month and a half, but when our babysitter became disabled I had to quit. Our son requires special attention and there are very few people that I trust to watch him. I don't know what to do. Do I confront H about this now? Or do I wait until I have more information? I don't know how long I can go before I bust. How can I act like I'm sorry about last night's fight and like everything is okay when I know he's looking for someone else? - if he hasn't found someone already. What do I do? I need some advice. I have more posted on EN under Cheating Spouse? Please help! I can use all the advice in the world right now.

TS
I'm so sorry that you had to come here but you have come to the right place. There are many people here who will love you and share their advice and experience with you.

I started reading your stuff on EN board and came over hear and saw no replies. I can't say how much evidence you need or when to confront, but from what I've gathered from others is that you want to do it soon. The longer your H is in an affair the longer and harder it will be to get him out of it. There is no doubt that he will be defensive and threaten and so on. I might try another approach to him and try to get him to open up. Don't attack, but try to talk to him calmly about all that you know and feel. Especially the feel part.

Read the stuff posted here about affairs and consider getting the book, Surviving an Affair. It really helped me to understand my WW, what she was thinking, how could I change to be a better man, etc.

Different from you, my wife told me about OM and it totally blind sided me. I had no frame of reference for the horrible information. Anyway. I just wanted to express my support for you.

Best wishes

That sucks.

You need to know whats going on. H sounds a bit wierd to me, why threaten to leave if your suspicious?

If you know about somthing dont feel like you owe an appology.

Maybe if your sure he did some things then tell him you know about some things and want to discuse everything calmly.

teacherstudent

Sorry you are here, but there's no better place to be to find support and advice.

Suggestion, go to your favorite search engine and type in "keylogger software". You can buy a pkg that is undetectable, and it will record every keystroke made on the computer. Only you will have access to it. Don't use a trial version, as it will appear with you boot up.

That will give you the info you are looking for. If, indeed, you find that some monkey business is going on, purchase and read Surviving an Affair before you do ANYTHING. There is a right way, and many wrong ways to confront. SAA will help you understand the RIGHT way to save and rebuild your marriage!!!

Good luck

SD

I would ask your husband for his email password so you can view his emails, if someone has nothing to hide then why would that ever be a problem in a marriage, a loving, trusting one that is.

keylogger software IS detectable if you use have anti virus software on the comuter and will be found within a period of time.

GutR

I couldn't help myself. I confronted H but did it in a very calming way. H denied it - of course. He said that the pop up window just came up when he was on espn.com. This is his excuse for every single time I have ever found a matchmaking service or anything else. Anyhow, this website has tons of other things, now that I had the chance to really look at it - it has things like iq tests and such. In fact, H took me to the site and gave me his password. But I still don't trust him or believe him. I know he has been to the matchmaking section of this site (web.tickle.com) but he just denies it. I also found - after he went to work - that he has opened up another email with yahoo. Of course, this is something that he did not tell me about. I went to my church today and will start getting MC next week. Could it be that I just overreacted? I'm starting to second guess myself - something I do every time something like this happens. Why do I feel in my gut that something is not right? That H is hiding something from me and cheating? I am seriously confused at the moment. I don't know what to make of it all. Is there something that I can get that won't be traced by an anti-virus scan? Something that will help me to see every site H has been to?

http://www.eblaster.com/
Try that

Thank you. I will try eblaster.com. I appreciate everyone's advice and support. Last night H and I were watching Cheaters (the t.v. show that busts cheaters) and we ended up on a conversation about cheating. We talked about a few things but something that bothered me was when H said that the only people that never get caught cheating are those who only do it once and keep it to themselves. It was quite disturbing to me. I almost felt like maybe he was hinting about something.

My mom thinks that maybe H was just looking around and is not actually cheating. She thinks that I could just be thinking it so much that I have made it a reality. I love my mom and think the world of her, and that's why she's the only person I've told (other than this site). The problem is - is she right? I feel so confused.

When I called H today (while he was at work) and I asked him how work was going, he answered fine, but it was in such a tense tone. Certain actions and things tell me H is cheating. But what if my mom is right and I am just coming up with this out of my head? Is it possible that I'm doing this? Has anyone else ever felt this confused when they have been pretty sure that their spouse/significant other has been cheating on them? Is a gut feeling or instinct enough to go on?

I went on a "gut feeling" a few years back and truly believe I was wrong. Our M was in a tough spot and I saw some changes in my W. I would say that you should wait it out until you get more concrete evidence of anything. It sucks during the waiting period, all the emotions you are feeling, but I still say wait it out. Try not to let on like you suspect anything either.

Good luck,

MIF?

I think I may have actually overreacted and that maybe my "gut feeling" was/is wrong. About 3-4 days ago, when I checked H's cell phone to see who he called last, there was an unfamiliar number on there - so I dialed it back up and a woman answered. This convinced me that H was cheating for sure. However, I did not confront him about it. Today, I think I made a HUGE mistake. I called that number again and when she answered I asked who she was - when she wouldn't tell me, I told her I was wondering if she knew my "brother" (actually H) because I found her number on his cell. She said she was a co-worker and then asked if I was H's W. I said no I was his sister. I know H will find out about this. Now I feel bad because his coworkers are going to be talking about this behind his back. Or maybe make fun of him to his face about what an insecure W he has. I messed up bad. I know I did. I don't want to admit what I did to H though because he will really hit the roof. I saw my pastor yesterday for some MC, but obviously I can't seem to get it together. Any advice on this situation? I could really use some advice from anyone who has gone through something like this also.

I hate to say it, but go with your gut. I learned that the gut feeling I had for 10 months was God trying to clue me in. It sounds like this co-worker may be the OW because why else would she ask if you are the wife? I could be wrong so I don't want to steer you in the wrong direction. I suggest you pray to God from the bottom of your heart for some answers and He will let you know for sure. I called the OW because I knew she was in his life ( I thought only as a friend) and her hesitancy was obvious. That's how I knew. I asked for answers as my gut feeling got stronger, and He showed me my H's cheating ways. My WH didn't even confess until I confronted him and told him I already knew about the A for sure. God bless and stay strong.

M 7 yrs, together 12
WH 34
BS 29
no kids
A was from 5/03 to 2/04 with co-worker
d-day 3/7/04

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: 1withGod ]</small>

I AGREE!

Trust your intuition.Mine was on target the *entire A process even up until this last "discovery" of my WH lies to me.I just knew every single time when WH wasn't being honest,he had these strange ways of acting toward me that sent all the red flags waving.

O

H found out (of course) that I called the OW. He said that it was one of the women that he worked with (one that I actually trust) and that she called him today to ask him about it cuz she thought something was a little strange. Of course, H didn't call me until after he had been at work - I guess this OW (I'll call her R)called him when he was working. When H called me and asked me about it, I denied it. Then I ended up calling him back and telling him the truth about everything - how I found the number and called because I was pretty positive that he had been to the matchmaking site and I was suspicious, etc. He listened to what I had to say, then told me I made him look bad, and that he hadn't been to the site, and why her number had been on his cell. Then he hung up only to call me back a short time later - when he called back he was very understanding. To me, this is not ordinary behavior - H being understanding and all. It's unusual and kind of makes me wonder why exactly he's being so understanding about it. The problem is that this whole conversation took place over the phone, so I couldn't read his facial expressions or body language to see if he was lying.

My question is if it was R, then why didn't she just tell me who she was when I asked her? I don't know what to make of H's behavior either. Is he truly trying to be understanding of my suspicions, or is he being understanding to cover up cheating? I want so desperately to believe him. I want to believe that H is truly not cheating on me. I will continue to pray and ask God for guidance. I am just very confused about everything. Any thoughts on H's behavior?

Some, if not most, WS's will go to any length not to be caught in lies. However, the more they lie, the more they have to lie. Many will deny anything and everything until you have hard evidence.

You should probably lay low for a bit regarding any further confrontation, but continue to be very observant. Check cell phone calls, use the keylogger, check credit card receipts, some say check mileage on vehicles, check pockets, glove boxes on cars and look for suspicious items.

There is no need for secrecy or privacy in any marriage, including healthy ones. Trust your gut feelings, as they are normally correct.

I have been laying low for a little while now. Since I was last here. But I'm really not sure what to think anymore. This OW, who claims to be his co-worker R, has called him several more times. H claims that she's just calling to check on her brother's status in the basketball pool that H is running. Maybe that's all it is. I don't know. H is on the computer constantly. If he's not at work, he's on the computer. It's driving me crazy. I seriously want to just smash in the computer with a hammer sometimes. I have been having a hard time meeting H's EN lately too. I still meet them, but not with my heart in it. I feel very depressed today. And very cranky. H has been considerably nicer to me and trying to be more understanding. Ever since the phone call. Ever since he knew that I basically was accusing him of cheating. This makes me more confused. I'm not sure what to think. I still have this feeling that he's not being faithful. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he is and I'm just truly neurotic. How can I just put aside my feelings for awhile so that I can work on our marriage? How can I meet H's EN and truly mean it? Right now I feel so depressed that I don't even care if we spend Easter together. I'm so tired of H ALWAYS having to do whatever on his own. Like he's not even married. IB - that's one of the biggest LB's in our marriage. H has always done IB. Now I feel like just going the same route with IB. I feel like why should I even try if he doesn't want to. And besides, how do I know his niceness isn't an act to cover up cheating? Any advice?

Hi TS,

It looks like you need to know for sure. You are treating him as though you had proof, when you only suspect.

I think you ought to get the proof.

If he is in an A, you know the steps to take as outlined elsewhere on this site. If he is not, you can explain your feeings - and further that your marriage needs help, and the steps you want to take to get back on track.

Spyware would help you to know for sure.

A, or no A, there are things that need to be worked on - IB as you said.

My W had a problem with IB, and we are working on it - at times it seemed she was having an A, but it turns out there was no A, and that she was afraid of how I would react if she ASKED, so she didn't ask, and just did what she wanted. I needed to work on my responses to her requests - which I am doing.

Now, I am not saying you have the trouble that I had, but there is often more going on than what we first think. I recommend counseling for YOU, even if he will not go, but I think you would benifit from going to MC together.

The first step would be to find out for sure if there is an A. Then go on from there based on what you find out.

If this continues as it is, your LB will continue to be drained, and as you loose love for him, it will be harder to want to take the difficult steps to fix things. Please think about this, and do something quickly about finding out.

Remember that others have dealt with what you are facing, and have gotten through it - and you can too.

Don't let your fears dictate you actions - gather more information, and act based on the truth.

Let us know how you are doing.

SS