I'll keep this short and cut to the chase: We got married on 24 DEC (2003), got pregnant around 20 Feb (2004) and I have just found out that he continued to sleep with a former lover up until about one month ago. So, yes, while he was getting his new bride pregnant, he was also having an affair with his ex. He confessed to the whole painful ordeal and claims that he will never see her again. His only excuse is that he was trying to break it off and she kept coming back for "more". He also gave me the intimate details (which of course I asked for--I know, shame on me) and explained that he enjoyed being with her physically because she has the body of an 18 year old and can experience "multiple O's" for him. I'm an athletic woman who is very much in shape, but by no means built like an underdeveloped teenager. We are both in our early 30's, recently divorced and have five children already between the two previous marriages. I have been extremely hurt and depressed since finding out about this OW. He tells me that he is not in love with her and wants to continue a life with me. I am feeling inadequate and my self-esteem has dropped to an all time low. My libido has diminished and I can't seem to find the drive to get this relationship back on the right track. I am seriously considering whether or not we should even have this child together now. He is extremely apologetic, and wants nothing more than for me to just forgive and forget so that we can move on with our lives. And, yes, he wants the baby. I, on the other hand, believe in my heart that he will do this to me again at a later date, maybe even with the same woman (she still lives nearby him). He fooled around the entire time we were dating and engaged. To top all of this off, we are both in the military and he is currently deployed overseas until the end of the year.... I'm desperate for advice. I wouldn't dare tell this to my family... WHAT SHOULD I DO? I just want this pain to end.

Stick with us and we will help you through this. It is very difficult when you first find out, and painful too. Being pregnant makes it even worse. You must insist he writes the OW a no contact letter. He must tell her he will have no contact and wants to work on his marriage.

Can you get any counseling right now? It would really help you. But at any rate, keep reading and posting here, and soon you will feel better. You are not alone.

I feel for you. That has to be the worst..finding out your husband has been cheating, while you're pregnant, no less. Then he gives you the details? How cruel is he. I know you asked, but he didn't have to. He didn't have to insult you that way. Where's the respect?? I know how you feel about the baby, but that's YOUR baby, no matter what your husband does. You love that baby, don't you?

Insisting he writes a no contact letter? Sure, you could do that, but I wouldn't trust it unless I actually saw him write it, put it in a stamped envelope and dropped it in a PUBLIC mailbox. My husband and I are in our early 30's too, yet sometimes it seems like he's a teenager. That's how your husband sounds. My situation is a bit similar to yours in that we got pregnant early, too..like the same month we got married. Seriously. I already had a 3 year old daughter. My son hadn't even reached his first birthday, and I found another woman's phone number in the car. I confronted him, and he claimed he didn't know who it was. I called the number, but never could get the woman. He finally admitting to knowing who she was, but said he got the number for me, so we could do some sexual experimentation. That was the first big red flag in our marriage. He was a liar. Still is a liar, for all I know.

Ladies, don't ignore flags or bells, no matter how small they may seem. Don't brush clues under the rug, and don't allow your man to drive you crazy with the reverse psychology. My husband has succeeded in this, and I hate I allowed him to. If you love your mate and want to work things out, great. I don't think I'm there anymore, so maybe I should find another forum. I don't want to discourage any of you. I prayed for my marriage to get better, but now I don't know if I even want it. You have to want it.

Could it be possible he was still in love with his ex when you got together? If this is the case then it most certainly had nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. I have been in the same situation and so have a few of my friends. The guy is still in love with his ex but won't admit it and in most cases tries to move on but can't because he still has these feelings he hasn't dealth with, and he tries to fill up the void with someone new. (rebound). If this is the case then he certainly shouldn't have gotten married. I'm not sure you can trust what he's telling you at this point. Almost all WS's lie to accomodate the A. Read Surviving an Affair if you haven't. Right now just hang in there and know we are here for you. I have no children and wish I did. Cherish that baby no matter what happens.

Thanks so much for the replies. Let me start off by saying that he met this "ex" after he met me. We were dating, fell in love and then he left to go overseas. We both had a tough time dealing with the separation, but he chose to find comfort in another woman. He claims that he never loved her. He only used her as a substitute for me. In either case, I read Plan A/B and decided to add my own twist. I was not comfortable with a simple letter. I asked him to take me to meet her and tell her face to face that it was over and not to ever contact him again. I also wanted him to let her know exactly what he told me: that she was only a physical substitute for me and that he never had feelings for her. She was very nervous when she saw me and asked that her supervisor sit in on the conversation. I ended the meeting by telling her that I hope she completely understands where we're coming from and if I ever find out she has tried to make contact with my H again, I will take it straight to her commanding officer. I believe I got my point across. When we left the office, I was upset at first. Then, I felt relieved. My confidence was back because I took control of the situation, instead of being a victim. I also felt better because the OW doesn't even compare to me. Not intectually, physically, educationally or otherwise. And to top it off, I found out that she is already a grandmother! I'm still trying to understand why he would continue an A with her after marrying the love of his life. But, I am more willing now to work on our relationship. I'm still not sure about the baby. We have so many other challenges to face at this point... Does anyone feel that I was wrong for meeting the OW face to face?

PK:

NOrmally..I would give you different advice. And..it is extremely sad to see this at the beginning of your marriage. Looks like he wanted to get you pregnant...and eat his cake too.

My advice to you is to DUMP HIM. An affair is never justified. But, in this case you have very little history between you as a married couple.

If you want to ignore my advice. And I do not reccommend staying with him even if you are having a baby with the fool.

I f you want to remain married...I suggest immediate counseling....and find out how serious this "man" is about marriage.

YOu may be more willing to work on the marriage than ever before..but is He?

Sounds like you want to stay M, that's why you're on the MB site. Have you led him to this site?
Does he have access to internet? Can you ask him to take the EN and LB questionnaires?

How soon before he comes home?

And excellent job meeting with the OW, I hope it wasn't you doing all the talking, but he was the one to break it off. Do you know if there is renewed contact?

I don't feel meeting the OW was a good idea. I talked to OW and nothing was accomplished. And besides, how do you know he wasn't saying all those things just to pacify you for the moment. WS would tell me he loved her and it was over between us and 3 hrs. he'd be at my door. Said he told her what she wanted to hear to avoid problems. I was supposedly the love of my WS's life too. We were together 13 yrs.. Let me tell you, the OW is my situation is 12 yrs. younger than I am and she looks 12 yrs. older. She's nasty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Plus she's married and has kids of her own. I sometimes feel WS is with her because he doesn't have to better himself and it's easier to be with her because he's feeling that's all he deserves. She and I are completely opposite. He's even said so. This OW isn't even fit to tie my shoes. Once the fog lifts I believe he will literally be at my door begging for another chance. She's PG too and I doubt it's even WS's. And if it is she only did it on purpose to keep him because she is scared about his feelings for me. At this point just be good to yourself and let him dig hid own grave. He'll fall in soon enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You can't control the other woman or your husband. I think confronting her would not bring you the result you're looking for. Of course, we women always want to confront her when she's not the problem. Your husband is. You need to deal with him. If he doesn't want to be married, he shouldn't be. There's nothing worse than feeling like your mate is with you out of obligation. Marriage vows are to be taken seriously..I see that NOW, when it's too late. Your husband, like mine, has a lot of growing up to do. Whether he's willing or not is the question.

Thanks everyone for all of the advice. I have to be honest, most of you are more negative about the situation than I expected. Not a bad thing, just an observation. I guess I know in my heart that I should walk away before I spend the next ten years in this marriage feeling like I have to always look over my shoulder. I also hate the thought that he would risk everything just for an A that he knew would never amount to anything. I know that he has some self-esteem issues, because he told me that the OW "accepted" him for who he is and he didn't have to work to impress her. I don't know what more I can do to show him acceptance when I am still with him, trying to trust and believe in him, after all he's done to hurt me... And for crying out loud, I married him, didn't I? Isn't that the ultimate ACCEPTANCE? Why would you marry someone that you don't accept? I am self-sufficient, very educated, beautiful, very loving, make great money and have no debt? I was not IN NEED of a husband. I married him because I fell in love and WANTED to be with him. In either case, I am still hanging in there, taking all advice into consideration and trying to work through this pain.... Please keep me in your prayers and please don't stop giving great advice! Good luck to all of you.

It is WAY TOO EARLY in your relationship for him to have strayed. That tells me he didn't want to be married in the first place. I'm sorry. He is not taking your relationship seriously. You have to understand that the "negativity" you're feeling from all of us is just spoken reality. I'm not saying you shouldn't work things out. You have to follow your heart, but use your brain as well. You're the one who will have to deal with the consequences of whatever you decide. It's good to seek advice, but at some point, you have to make your OWN decision. Don't set yourself up for another disappointment. You have the right to make demands, and not be afraid to ask. You have to make it known there are things you just won't accept. I'm learning this.

If I were you, and I am not, I would RUN to get an abortion and then my second stop would be an attorney to help me file for divorce.

You got a "bad egg" here by mistake. We all date a "bad egg" at times but it does not mean we have to marry them or stay married to them!

You just accidently married a "bad egg"! Perhaps in a moment of passion. Now you know what his true colors are.

He sort of blamed you because you did not have mutiple orgasms! The nerve of him to make you feel bad in that way! I dislike him for bringing you that terrible kind of pain.

And "of course" he wants you to have his baby for any number of reasons:

1. Because he will not be bearing nor caring for the child, you will. No skin off his back.

2. So he can see his genes carried on.

3. So he can see what his sperm can make.

4. To keep you bonded to him so you cannot leave as he cheats with others.

5. To keep you "off balance" and busy with the baby so he can cheat freely and continue to tell you lies like, "She was after me, honey, what could I do but sleep with her!"

6. So he can get "other women" pregnant too and make your lives and marriage a living hell (that will be next, the OW will come forth and tell you guys she is having his baby also...I predict it. Did he use condoms? Do you believe him if he says he did?)

7. So he can "appear" to be a nice family man to the outside.

8. He can feel powerful to see that "his sperm" can impregnant somebody.

9. Add your own here____________________.


Whatever it is, face the truth now and do not wait. Please take care of your precious self. Having the baby is not going to help you care for yourself but it is your choice. you may end up raising the child as a single mom or a mom whos husband cheats on her. I hate it that he brought you this kind of pain.

Woa, woa. First, let me say, there is NOTHING wrong with being a single mom. I was a single mother, who once felt I needed a man to make our lives complete. So not true. I am totally against this abortion advice. This baby, no matter how IGNORANT the father, is TOTALLY innocent. She does NOT have to be "stuck" with a cheating husband!!! She has the right to dissolve the marriage, and SHOULD if she feels that's right for her!! Having an abortion, in my opinion, will only bring added pain. You wanted the baby before you learned of the affair, right? This is your child, too!! Do not give that man the power. It's not about his wants. It's about your needs. He doesn't have much say, in my opinion. I would not base any of my decisions on what that nut wants!!!

Sweetheart, you have to do what is right for you. I might not be the right person to give advice, because I'm working towards ending my marriage. But, here's a bit of sound advice. Ladies, pass this on to anyone you know contemplating marriage: get to know your mate THOROUGHLY before tying the knot. Sure, there are things you may not find out until years after, but..please. Talk about CHILDREN, MONEY, FUTURE CAREER PLANS. Get to know each others' families. Spend time..quality time, with this person!! This is, after all, the person you will spend your life with. Many of us, I think, are clouded by euphoric feelings when we're in love. I know I was. Looking back, I was just plain STUPID. Old enough to drink or drive a car, but didn't have the sense of a penny. I'm not sitting around waiting for my prince charming to arrive 10 years from now. I don't see him changing into what I NEED him to be. If he's going to be in my life, there are certain things I will not accept. That goes for anyone!!! I know you can't change a person, but you can refuse to accept them for what they are if they're not willing to change.

paininkuwait-

Please think very carefully about your innocent child. I believe that you need to forget about having an abortion. You married your WH for better or worse. This is the worse part.


I can tell you that for most women having an abortion is not the answer. I had one in 1987, because I was in an abusive relationship, and had a chance to go back to work to support my 2 boys. I can tell you that I have regretted that decision for the last 17 years. I think about that child almost everyday.


So please try to hang in there through your pregnancy. Men make mistakes. Don't compound his mistake by making one of your own.

I am glad it is a free country and you have both sides of this important issue now! Think hard and make the best decision you can.

Well, I've been thinking - he did confess to you. Most WS's lie for months, even after being confronted. So I will give him some points there.

Are you getting some support from friends while he is gone? It is really getting scarey over there.

None of us can really advise you on the baby since if you decide to have it, you will be the one giving birth and raising it for 20 years. If we were raising your child for you, we could tell you YOU MUST HAVE THIS BABY! No abortion allowed!

But you are the one who must decide...

I see your WH is posting. That is a very good sign. Please hang in here with us.

Thanks again for the advice. Just to fill you in: I am here in Kuwait with him (been here for two weeks, that's how I met the OW), I still haven't decided on the baby (leaning more towards abortion when I return to the US), and I haven't decided on staying married. He apologizes daily for the stupid mistake he made, but I don't feel that he will be faithful once I leave. I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Side note: He fooled around on his ex-wife and he was the reason my previous marriage ended. I was separated from my ex-husband when I met him and trying to decide if I would go back for the children or just get a divorce. Of course, he helped to convince me that life would be better with him and he would never cause me any pain (as my ex did). He was my Knight in shining Armor and now I feel like a complete fool for ever believing in him. I feel that he just wanted to steal me away from someone else to boost his own ego, but he never had serious intentions. And maybe the only reason he married me was to prove that he "caught me". Am I crazy to think this way? Right now, he seems so sincere, but my gut instincts tell me to run like hell... HELP.

believer,
I just read his post. Now, knowing both sides of this, what are your thoughts? I am still so leery and I don't want to make a mistake this time around. Do you feel he's sincere?