I have been reading this board since Dday 2-25-04 after filing for D and this is my story. My wife's A started on 11-11-04 when she went to a bar and met and fell in love with a 25 year old man (she36) me(42). We have had problems for about 2 years when, I started having to work a lot to keep her EN need for money satisfied and I forgot her other EN need for conversation of 5 hours a day. She was a stay at home mom of 5 children and we started having financial problems and she could never seem to understand where all the money was going (big house and 5 kids). In the beginning I had a government job and was always there for her when she needed me but she wanted more and kept saying I could do better than the government. Her dad was a Multi Millionaire but went bust during the 80's after she was out of the house. I quit my government job 3 years ago and became a very successful engineer but with the success come the 16-hour days and business dinners. I never wanted this and I do not have a desire for being rich my only desire is for her to be happy. She has suffered from panic attacks and depression since our second child 12 years ago.

OP is unemployed, lives with his parents and had all the time in the world for her and her needs. She found out she was pregnant and had an Abortion the day after Dday (I had a vasectomy after our 5th). She said she could not face her DD. I have not been able to sleep and have been on anti-depressants since all this has happened everybody says I should leave because she has no feelings for me, but she has been a good mother and wife for 14 years (3 months of A does not define a M) she now says she loves me. I love my wife and 5 children very much and do not want them to separate my 2 oldest (DD13,DS12) want to stay with me but the other 3 (DS 10,7,6) she will probably get. She has been home with me since Dday but has had contact with OP on 2 occasions the last time 2 weeks ago she told me she wanted to go with him but stayed with me at the last minute. She told me yesterday that she wants to extend the reconciliation period of our D for 2 more months because she is afraid I will throw the A in her face when we argue, I would not do that but it does seem that the A is all I talk to her about and my feelings.

I have slept with another woman since Dday thinking it would make me feel better it did not. I cannot be open with her because she keeps throwing my deep dark secrets in my face and tells my kids and other people about them. I do not know how much more I can take. She is doing better at home but I still feel she is still having contact with him and could be planning to move out of town with him after school is out. I know I will not be able to follow or survive plan B.

You can start in Plan A and see how that goes. Read all about it here.

If your wife was a good wife and mother for 14 years, she can be one again. So stick with us and we will help you get through this. Don't listen to what other's say. Unless they have been in this siutation, they know nothing about how you feel.

Shad,
I agree with believer Plan A your fanny off.


One more thing. The following really disturbs me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I cannot be open with her because she keeps throwing my deep dark secrets in my face and tells my kids and other people about them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please tell your wife you spoke to a friend, me (little white lie), and from your friend's experience she really needs to stop involving the kids in your M issues. Regardless of their ages this can effect their entire lives.

I speak from experience. My mother and step-father fought in front of me and siblings. We knew every bit of dirty laundery. He had had an illegitimate child etc etc.

Is your wife open to counseling? Are you?

Keep Plan Aing as much as you can. It'll be difficult but if you want to save the marriage you need to. From your post it's tough to tell whether your W has decided to try and save the M or whether she's sitting on the fence.

Read about NC letters on the main MB page. Do not allow her to meet him in person to call it off. Too risky.

cwmac

This past weekend was really bad. She called the OM and told me she wanted to go with him. She had been drinking and I would not let her leave. She slapped me in front of 2 of my children and I had enough we were trying to reconcile with D papers filed so I called the police and she spent easter morning in jail. She is so mad and hates me now more than ever but, I had to do it for the custody issue not because I wanted to, but now I do not see any hope on saving our M, to much contact with OP and with 5 chilren no time or patients for plan B. She was my Best friend and my life but, with no trust anymore I cannot see the point or the light at the end of the tunnel when we keep going back to square one

This 25 year old loser punk sounds like a creep, id tell him to stay away from your wife (if you want her back)or your going to drag him out of his house kicking and screeming by his hair into the street and smash his face into the curb and bust out all his teeth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thanks Bog, I did kick his A** once, almost got me arrested but the cop stopped them and in the police report she said I was her soon tho be X and that he was her boyfriend, that was good for the divorce papers when I was trying to prove the A, but the with the abortion I don't need any more proof. Well This morning she came home after 2 days and nights at a hotel. She is still pissed I thew her in jail, but says she wants to stay with me and the children. I don't think she really wants to stay with me, but she know I will fight for all 5 of the kids and she will be on her own. I told her why she did'nt go with him and found out he has a new job 300 miles away now so maybe there is hope. I will still try to meet her needs but I want and deserve to be happy myself and am thinking if it is even worth the effort. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I think all WS's like to do whatever they can to make you look like everything is your fault. I believe this a way to protect themselves from looking like a fool. You can be glad this loser moved away. I wish the OP in my situation would drop off the face of the earth. It's going to take some time but I do feel once the fog lifts your wife will be glad she didn't stay with this creep. You have a chance now that most BS's here wish they had. Be patient and try Plan A and see how it goes. Good luck!

Personally I would drive your wife and your 5 children over to the OM's home and tell him that he can take over the responsibility of taking care of your wife and raising the 5 children. I will bet that this 25 year old kid will want nothing to do with your wife. She knows this. That's why she is not so gung ho to get divorced.

yosh you are right I am a professional with a college degree, I have been a good provider and dad. My wife and OP have high school degrees and OP just started a job if they think they can raise 5 kids then I should let them try . I told the WS last night I would give her the 5 children without child support and they could move with in with him, she needed to think about that. I talked to my IC and she said my wife will never love me like I need and deserve (Un-conditional, till death do us part). Again I go back to the soul searching she is doing. I feel like getting out of the equation and letting her go and realize what kind of a person she is leaving behind but, I will not let her back because I know what kind of person she is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shad:

I told the WS last night I would give her the 5 children without child support and they could move with in with him, she needed to think about that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Shad I hate to break it to you, but unless you plan on leaving the good ol' U.S. of A (of course I'm assuming you live here) that offer is just a fantasy. You are better off fighting for custody of your children because if you win, then it will be her who will be forced to work her fanny off to make monthly child support payments and that will seriously cramp her lifestyle.

Shad,

Concur with TMCM's comments. DO NOT under any circumstance mention giving up your kids. This can/will be used against you in any custody fight.
The custodial parent gets the peso and has the say so.

Your kids come first. The "family" court system is highly adversarial. Your WW may choose to fight you if for no other reason than 5 kids means lots of CS from you. And affair notwithstanding, the courts are biased against you because you are their father. I know from which I speak. Affairs are so common that courts rarely pay attention to them. Welcome to "no fault" divorce.

By all means, stick with Plan A but you would be wise to talk to a lawyer, preferably one that is an expert in custody litigation. It's always good to be prepared for all contingencies.

IMHO,

ITB

Guys, many thanks for your input into the D subject. I am still doing plan A and trying not to mess things up but, it is still hard. So far these past few days have been great. She is at home as if nothing ever happened, I hope this is a permenant situation and not a lull before the storm. I want to believe the A is over and I will take it one day at a time. I have decided that if she messes up one more time she will be out of my and our childrens lives for good. I will not let our children go thru the pain of thier mother leaving home for a few days so she can be with the OM and have her come back to my open arms when reality kicks in.I have been in plan A for 2 months and am tired of the roller coaster. I can't believe with her getting pregnant with his baby and then having me pay for the abortion how I can even feel anything for her in my heart. I pray that God forgives me and for her and gives me the patients for reconsiliation.

Shad -
Back up a minute here. Didn't you say she has been a good wife and mother for 14 years??? And now your IC says she will never love you like you need? And then you had her put in jail on Easter?

Check out Plan A again. I think you are missing a few points. Your wife made a terrible mistake, but are you going to let that negate 14 years? You hold all of the cards right now.

Can you afford counseling with the Harleys or with Penny at saveyourmarriagecentral? It is expensive, but will be much better for your marriage than the IC you are seeing now. And they will get quickly to the point.

Believer,

You are so right in your comments, I do hold all the cards. I love my wife and am trying not to LB, I think it is all the giving and giving I have done thru our marriage and trying to make her happy that the 14 years of my life and our marriage were wasted. She did not have a chance in the past to cheat on me because she was staying home with the children, but when my last one stated school then there she went. I know it was FOG talk when she said she never loved me, but how can a person hurt someone so much as to take the only thing I had in my life that made me happy, that is my love for her for granted and treat me like trash. I put all my eggs in one basket and they are broken. I would like someone to think of me like I am the greatest person in the world and love me as much as I am capable of loving them. I am venting now so sorry, I know it will work out and she is coming out of the fog, but all trust is gone and I find myself thinking about what she is doing and where she is I don't need this in my life. I want to be happy again. MAN IT HURTS SO MUCH.

You are still very new in this. I promise things do get better. Right now she will not be that sorry, but later she will. And yes, it sucks that the BS has to do all of the work, but that's the way it is. You need to be the lighthouse, showing her back to safety and your marriage.

It is really hard to fugure out what goes through the mind of WWs when they have a H who is good provider and is there for them in all matters. You can break you back working and can do all you can and that still is not enough. All of a sudden, a creep tells her a few lies and she buys into them. The unfortunate thing is that the %$@#&* does not have cent to his name and cannot meet even his own financial needs. I personally do not agree that children should be pawns in the game of control. Child support should be worked out between both partners, but if she is not a reasonable person- the bets are off.
At least you were able to confront the predator, many of us do not have that opportunity to face him because he is like a thief who hides.
Sleeping with someone else was not the answer either and not the way to attack the problem. You have fallen to the same level as her. Think of the children first and foremost and leave pride aside. If she is irresponsible, then you need to step to the plate and show the children that at least one of their parents is thinking of them and acts responsibly.

Man I LB this time I don't know why but we got realy drunk and I ended up going home with another woman nothing happened but my wife is pissed off I don't blame her but my actions have been real irresponsible my mind only wants to do everything to hurt her and I am just pushing her away I don't think I am going to be able to ever forgive her and drinking will not help matters at all. I really messed up this time and hope GOD and my children will forgive me. She on the other hand will not because she does not love me. I need to quit thinking about this and be happy again with or without her. Pray for me and my family because tomarrow I will be filing for the final decree in the Dv. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well no Dv wife is still home and I asked for forgiveness for my actions it was all my fault and I am going to try to do everything to keep on plan A. WW and OP talked on the phone on Sunday after the night at the bar. We have both acted very poorly with this whole A and I guess I am having major problems with the forgiveness and reconsiliation part. I am now determined to make this work and with the OP far away I cannot let this chance get away. My WW wants us to move away from this city, but my family is here and I have a much better chance of getting custody of the children here. WW does not want to go to MC anymore because she thinks its a waste of time and money and she does not want to go to IC either. She needs the IC to help with the depression and now the abortion or she will be a powder keg with all this stuff kept inside. I am going to use MB for my guide and hopefully it will be enough.

Shad,

You speak of financial responsibility a lot in your posts - that you work long hours to be a good provider for your family, and that OM doesn't have a great job and couldn't provide well. You mention your W's EN of Financial Security. How do you know this is one of her top ENs? Is it possible you're spending all this effort and time where it doesn't really matter to her? She suggested moving to another location, perhaps she'd stay in the same city near relatives and be content moving into a smaller house if that meant having more time with you. Have you considered this possibility?

How's the Plan A going?
Is she still in contact with OM?

Turtlehead,

I wish the problem was spending more time with her but she has put us in huge debt with her spending and when I tore up the cards she got her own and put $10,000 on them. I wish I didnt have to work so hard and in the past few months I have been only working 40 hours and it still has not changed anything. The last couple of days have been good and she has told me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and she will never drink again. I am plan Aing my butt off and hope it works. Thanks for your input