My wife has had a male friend calling her for the last 5 years. She met him at her gym. Told me he is just a loser and she feels sorry for him. Her friend...more of a work out partner...very trustable said I have nothing to worry about because he is just an ugly loser from the gym.She tells me when he calls. She tells me he was drunk and just depressed or had problems of some kind. I hate the fact that he calls....I know I am a [censored]...I should just tell him when he calls to get lost...but my wife says he is a friend and she likes to talk to him.....Tonight it really bothered me....he called and she went into our room to talk to him....I went outside to easdrop through the window to see what they talk about. The conversation was very neutral...just small talk and stuff like that....like she would talk to a girlfriend...then she ended with..."I don't want to go there right now...no I am not going there...bye"...something she did not want to get into....Then she was very loving tonight when she went to bed....wanted a hug and to tell me how much she loved me....guilt?...He calls the other day to sing her that song from the Chevy commercial where the guy is singing...I feel like a women...sometimes he just calls to be funny and make her laugh....boy that bothers me....I know what your thinking " why dont you just tell your wife to make this guy stop calling"..well maybe if I married a weaker kind of women I could...I like the strong personality types....the kind who will stand up for themselves....so if I just tell her to get rid of him she will tell me to go to hell he is a friend and she likes to talk to him....I have talked to her about it and she just tells me she likes to talk to him....I dont know what to do at this point....I could try to get a device to tape there conversations...so I know exactly what he is saying....anybodyelse have a situation like this?

Just tell her you overheard part of the conversation, ask her what it is she "didn't want to go there" about, as why she was suddenly so loving, that you sense guilt, and tell her your very unhappy with the situation with this guy as a whole. She's your wife dude, not your room-mate. If HE is causing problems in YOUR marriage... he needs not be part of the picture at all.

M.

There cannot be 3 people in any marriage.

This guy is a predator and has his sights set on your wife. He goes, permanently and he goes now.

Who is your wife more concerned about, the jerk from the gym, or you and your marriage?

It is time for a loving confrontation with your wife, but DO NOT accept any form of continued contact with that guy.

btw, what would your wife think or feel if YOU were getting constant calls from a female friend, including her singing to you?

Time for you to take your blinders off. If an affair has not occurred yet, it is dangerously close to becoming a reality. There probably already is some Emotional Affair going on. It is your responsibility as her husband to protect her from predators and rapists and muggers.

This guy is out to get her and rape and mug your marriage. Stand up, open your eyes,....and ACT!

God bless.

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

Next she'll be sleeping with him because "she feels sorry for him." You need to lovingly tell her that she is hurting you and your marriage by her contact with this man. If she refuses to stop, please see a marriage counselor.

OH my.. this is somewhat difficult, but if you suspect something is going on.. there probably is unless he is gay. I am serious.. you should ask your wife.. tell her you trust her and love her, and just feel a bit insecure about her relation with her and him. I wouldn't suggest you yell at the guy.. for the moment be nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Maybe I'm too nice that's why my H had the affair.. oh well.. anyways.. keep your guards. Just love her the way you've been.

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Harudah ]</small>

Mr X it is very important that when you make your concerns to your W(ife) that you DO NOT come across as a controlling H(usband) because it just might have the undesirable effect of pushing her further towards him. Acknowledge to her that you are NOT demanding that she end all contact with him but that it is your desire that SHE make this choice on her own, otherwise your love for her could eventually end and with it the marriage. It is not an ultimatum you'd be issuing to her but a statement of fact.

Hi Mr.X,

If your wife has to leave the room to talk to this guy then I would be very suspicious.She may be having an EA(emotional affair) or worse.If she were to refuse to end the friendship because you were uncomfortable with it,there's another clue.If she is more emotionally involved with this guy than you she will put up a big fuss to stop talking to him.When men/women start to privatize these supposed "friendships" you can almost guarantee that they are headed for that slippery slope toward an A, if she is not in one already.

How are the other areas of your marriage with W? Are they talking rather frequently or just once in a while?

O

Mr X,
Here is a link to another post that describes an EA and a great book to buy asap.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=027838;p=4#000048

BTW, per the reading I've done once a woman is invlolved in an EA it usually eventually turns into a PA. It typically takes a woman a longer time for the PA to occurr because they have to rationalize it with the love that comes with the EA. Somtimes there are EAs that are "love but don't touch" types but these are rare.

Hope things are going better for you. Please also see the advice in the other post about ADs.

cwmac

I agree. Let her know you don't like these converstations with this man and that you prefer them to end.

If this man has problems, he can go to a counselor.

He sounds at best like a man who is wasting time with your wife rather than solving his problems, and at worst like a predator.

Draw some boundries around your marriage. Secret conversations in another room with a man are NOT good for a marriage. When it gets to the point that you have to eavesdrop that is NOT good for the marraige.

Mr X, any progress?

cwmac