Would you tell if you thought both parties were in NC? I know you can never be sure. Struggline with telling and how my WS will respond.

Yes. You would want to know in their place, wouldn't you?

Yes I would tell. He deserves to know.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

has to know... just so you have another opinion.. yes you should if you could get in contact with them.

Telling the OP's spouse dramatically reduces the possibility of the A continuing, or, worse yet, restarting. Tell them. Always.

SD

In my situation, the OM's W suspected that her H and my W were having an affair. In fact she came to the house one time they were here alone. Then she chickened out and didn't knock on the door. Of course, she never told me. I found out on my own about 4-5 months later. I wish she had told me so that I could have been more observant. (But then hindsight is 20/20.) If I were you, I would inquire of the other man's W, kind of question her, get some input before you come right out and tell her what you know. (But that's me. Good luck!)

yep - you should tell - the OP's spouse deserves to know, by keeping the secret you are keeping the secret - please tell

Hi,

on our d-d, my husband ended the affair immediately, by phoning OW. (he also ended it in person a day later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )
OW said that she was going to tell her husband about her affair. (she did tell her BS)

A few days later, I phoned and asked to talk to OWH. (we were all friends at one time so this wasn't too unusual that I phoned) OWH and I talked shortly and then we met in person to talk about the situation. OWH and I assured each other that if something "strange" occured in the future,(concerning our WS's) we would share it.


I didn't know MB's at that time but the fact that we all knew what had happened did bring in "reality".


bb

<small>[ April 22, 2004, 01:15 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

durham - based on this and your post on GQ II, you are obviously scared stiff to expose becuase you fear your H's reaction.

He may have even warned you NOT to tell anybody - especially OW's H.

Well, I'm here to tell you that this is all straight from the WS script. OF COURSE he doesn't want you to tell OW's H!!! And, of course, when you do and he finds out he will be livid that you invaded his privacy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But this is fundamental, rudimentary, Affair 101 stuff.

Do NOT kowtow to your H on this. Take a stand and do the right thing.

Take a breathe, get your nerve up, make a plan to do so and then TELL, Tell, tell!

In our situation NOTHING bad has come out of the truth being told. Either By Myself or by my WW. In fact, as the secrets have come out it has worked out better (or at least as well) as I could have ever hoped for. ALL our problems came from playing the OM games and trying to beat him at his own rules (to lie, deny, ect.,). Exposing the A to the light of truth took all his power (over me, my wife and the entire situation) Away. For good!

The worst mistake I made after finding out about the A, was becoming a coconspirator and keeping the secret too. IT was kept from the OMW, his other OW, and everyone at my WW workplace. (this is where everything in the A took place) It was all just between My WW, the OM, and me. Big , big mistake. It was the worst time in my life and definatly did nothing to help my marriage (or my own sanity).

Eventually, the truth came out and not only did the spector of the OM go away, he went away in fact as well. In our case, the Truth definitely set me (us) Free! Wish I had been smart enough to do it immediatly. Then all those many awful months would never have accured.

Oh yea, because of all the Truth being exposed, the situation between my WW and OM really turned for the worse (for the 2 of them anyway). They really turned on each other (trying to save their jobs, marriages and overall asses). So after the fall out I am 99.8% sure that there will be NO re-start up of this particular A. IT is a great help to me to at least be confident that it won't ever happen with this Pr*#K again.

Yes, I realize that it is somewhat scary to do. Cause you can't control what will happen afterward. But are you in any kind of control now? Did not telling his secrets keep your WS from being with the OP in the first place?
Telling the truth is never wrong. A's only thrive in secrecy and deceit. Also, doing this can help to END whatever fantasy feelings are still left in your WS. The more reality you expose about the A, the less fog and fantasy there is for the WS to cling too. The only advantage to NOT telling is to leave a back door for the A to start up again. Close and lock that door Now for good!

Your WS will of course be livid after you out him. But this too will blow over. And in the end it will only help the 2 of you. If only because it can help Your mental and emotional outlook by being able to believe that you've done SOMETHING to make sure it doesn't happen again. That's about the best you can do on that front. Whatever you decide, I hope it all works out for you.