April 5, 2004, 8:00 am, was the worst day of my life. While on my way to the store to buy cereal for my sons, I found a crumpled letter from my husband's lover in my van. I had suspected he was unfaithful, even confronted him in counseling in front of our pastor. He neither confirmed or denied it. Now I had proof. The bad part...she was doing the breaking up, not him. After an immediate call to our church for help, I waited until my sons went to school and came back home to confront him. He blamed it all on me! Said it was my fault for reading his letter! Said if I minded my own business, this wouldn't be an issue. I have read LB and HnHN twice as directed by our pastor and understand the concepts. But my WS never read any of it and could care less. He would never share his needs with me, talk to me and wasn't really interested in meeting mine. Selfish is his middle name. Though I get and understand the concepts of Dr. Harley, I could not do anything with my WS because he gave me nothing to work with. His attitude so far is that since he said he was sorry and according to our faith, I forgave him, he feels I should just move on. Actually he told me it was "No Big Deal" three words I hate. This woman works with him, he sees her every single day and won't even tell her to her face it is over. He says he wants to make the marriage work, but hasn't done anything to prove this. I have been obedient, understanding that I am to serve God right now and not necessarily my WS. But it has bee 3 weeks and counting and I have yet to see any signs that he gives a care about me and our marriage. He told the pastor that I looked like crap, didn't dress up anymore and was ugly first thing in the morning. We have four children, the oldest 22yrs and the youngest is 17 months. I work full time 40+ hours and come home to a home my WS has systematically destroyed with one home imporvement project left unfinished after another. He has totalled 2 cars in six months, one being my Valentines' present, arrested twice, jailed twice, driving on a suspended license, ignoring three new warrants for his arrest and more interested in doing for all of the women he comes in contact with because they need him. So did I at some point. Because divorce is not an option in our faith, I stayed and have tried to make this work. I made immediate adjustments: went out and had my hair cut, wear makeup everyday despite the breakouts, changed what I wear even though it sometimes interfers with my job, enlisted the help of friends with my home and attend counseling alone with our pastor. I spend time in prayer, reading scriptures, reading articles on MB website and trying everyday to improve myself. All the while he does as he pleases. The second job he has where he sees the OW everynight ends this Friday. I am happy about this but he does not appear to be. He keeps making excuses for trying to hang on to it. I am sick of this. He has destroyed our family and me. I can't sleep, have lost weight, which he said I needed to do when the affair was discovered, and have trouble functioning at work. I have spoken to the OW and my WS who both state it was a one night thing. It doesn't matter, he cheated on me. His parents, who are ministers, are so sick over this they even offered to pay for the divorce if I decide to go through with it. I can't stand it. My children are worried about me and are now in counseling with their youth pastor. Everyone at his 2nd job know what he has done and are laughing at him behind his back. He spent almost 7 years preaching to them about how they should treat their spouses and then he goes and does this to me. I am so embarrassed and humiliated. These are people we were socializing with. Now what? There are days when I dread getting up. Some days the very sight of him makes me want to throw up or strangle him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

wiltedflower,

I am curious as to what religion you belong to that requires you to forgive someone who doesn't repent. Just saying your sorry doesn't count in my book, it's a statement of being. And yep, he's being pretty sorry right now. I'm also not certain of which religions don't allow for divorce on grounds of adultery. There are a lot of religions out there, so this may be one of the many I'm clueless about. Also, what is your pastor advising you to do?

Aside from the religion issue, do you want to be married? For yourself. This is an important question.

Your H's behavior seems erratic and self-destructive in some extreme ways. Do you know if he's possibly suffering from a psychiatric ill or drug/alcohol addiction? Was he like this before or is it a recent thing? I'm very concerned for you.

Wiser members than I will hopefully have more advice. I do want you to know that you're being listened to.

He sounds like he doesn't deserve you. I know MB is about holding onto your marriage but there are some bad people in this world and I think he sounds like one of them. Sorry.

My WS and I are Christians who belong to a non-denominational church. We are taught that in order to begin the healing process, forgiveness is essential. There is so much pain for me right now there are times when I can't even breathe. My father cheated on my mother for over thirty years. He molested me until I was 16yrs old. My WS was always aware of this. He knew everything about me. (I understand the total honesty concept - he does not). He used the pain of my childhood and rejection by my mother against me with this A. I can't tell my family because they will not be supportive only demeaning and full of I-told-you-so's. I don't need that right now. What I need is to see some real remorse and less righteous indignation on his part. He's so busy sucking the life out of me he can't see the pain he has caused. Do I want to stay married....some days the answer is a resounding NO!! But he has screwed up our finances so badly that I would have to file bankruptcy if I left him. The OW has three kids, is divorced after her husband betrayed her. She has no idea of the baggage my WS has. I want to go to his job tonight, confront her and give her a royal baptism in the ladies room. I'd feel good for about fifteen minutes and he would yell at me forever. So now what?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

wiltedflower,

I can see your point of forgiveness, but I don't know how much it can help you. It's like forgiving someone for beating you up while they're still kicking you in the ribs.

You haven't answered whether you WANT to save the marriage. If not, there are ways to get out. Also, please answer my question about whether the irresponsible behavoir is a change from his norm or a more recent thing.

No matter what you decide, please seek counseling for yourself. If your insurance won't cover it, many communities have programs that are prorated. You need a lot more help than we can offer here. I want you to take care of yourself for right now. If you can't do that, then how can you take care of the rest of the family? And I suspect you're bearing a lot of weight on your own.

Dobie,
I am staying in the marriage for now. As far as if this is the norm for my WS's behavior, it was before we got married. While dating, I would discover other women he was quietly involved with. My WS has this thing about helping and being there for women who are in distress and "need" him. He is just not there for me when I need him. Once we got married though, the other women disappeared. I was pregnant with our first son when we married and I often wonder if that was his reason for marrying me. He said it was not. As a matter of fact, D-Day, when asked why he had married me, he stated he did it because he thought he could make a difference. I felt like a Make-a-Wish kid. And I do receive counseling, for myself with our pastor and then we are supposed to go together. All counseling is weekly. He goes alone, I go alone and then we go together. I am the only one consistent. From the start of the marriage, I have had us either in marital or myself in personal counseling to deal with the issues. Over the years, I have grown and learned. He just doesn't seem to get it. I pray he does. In the meantime, I am responsible for raising Godly sons who are learning how not to treat a woman and have respect for her. My oldest son is in counseling due to what he has seen and heard in the home. I want this curse broken off of my family. His father is faithful to his mother and vice versa. My WS developed this crap on his own. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I feel you pain as I read. I know what it's like to need to stay together for financial reasons. I'm sort of in the middle of this myself, and it really hurts. I have not been with my husband much since Dday, but when I am an feeling an intense desire to punch him or something, like you. If there is any way for you to get away from him for a while, I think that might be a good idea. For both of you, maybe just for this weekend or something, get away from each other so you can think. It's impossible to think clearly when you are beside yourself with grief and anger. Keep posting, maybe somebody will say something that will help you.

I;m quite new to this MB site but your post made me sit up and re-read. It really sounds like a terribly sad situation especially given your own family history. If you've been seeing the pastor in your church so consistently and have obviously felt a need to be in counselling right from the start of your marriage, you must be a troubled lady. Are you sure there is nowhere or no one you can turn to just to 'escape' for a break. A sister/cousin etc.It's a terrible thing to feel financially bound to another person. I'm sure there are many of us posting on MB who might change their course of action if their lottery numbers came up. You need some peace in your life - I really hope you can find some soon.

wilted,

I want you think long and hard about what I am going to say. I am a very strong marriage advocate, and I am currently getting my certification as a marriage coach. Look at the things that you have done to save your marriage. I can easily see....that you have taken your Plan A seriously...and are doing everything in your power to change yourself and make your marriage work. The affair has been exposed (although I'm wondering about the work thing....since they still work together) but there is NO RECOVERY plan....and your husband is not onboard. So....how do you proceed since he is showing all the evidence of still being fogged, and has not stopped contact or recommited to the marriage?

This is what you do. You continue your Plan A...for 3 more weeks...not much longer. During that 3 weeks...you make sure not to love bust! At all! You fill the needs and keep up the changes that you know are important to him...so be consistent. You confront him with your feelings about the affair. You do any exposure that has yet to be done. And you look at what REAL recovery looks like:

*accountability for time and money
*15 hours a week together
*access to his life
*honesty
*no contact letter
*marriage coaching
*extra ordinary precautions to avoid his lover

Recognize that right now in his fogged state...he sees your efforts as pathetic...they aren't...he is. And remember, that that is HIS problem, not yours. Try your hardest not to let his poor attitude about you destroy your self esteem.

After two weeks....if he still shows no response at all....please get a good coach...and go to Plan B!!! Plan B is NOT a prerequistite to divorce...at all. It is an effort to protect the love you have for your spouse...and his for you. In the state you now exist in...your love for each other is being destroyed everyday. He needs to understand how much he depends on you, how much you add to his life, what life without his family is REALLY like. This is what happens in Plan B. You make sure he understands what conditions will need to be met for reconciliation in your Plan B letter....those above. You make sure he understands that you are not interested in divorce, but that this lifestyle is harmful for you and destroying the love in your marriage as it exists now. With no consequences...and no recommitment...and no end to contact...you have no hope of rebuilding your marriage. Plan A must have a time limit...or it is not Plan A.

In his present state...your husband is emotionally abusive. A long Plan A with this man will not be productive an unless he realizes that while you will not divorce him...neither will you withstand abuse...nothing will change.

Please accept my blessings and prayers!

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Your situation sounds a bit odd. What religion do you practice that makes you tolerate all that? Scripturally, adultery is ground for divorce, but you ignored your husband's behavior before you were married. Forgiveness is something that must have a limit, otherwise you become a doormat and others lose respect for you. What do you want of your husband? Do you still love him? What can you do to let him see that he does not need to go outside the home to have real woman? Keep posting and asking for suggestions. You will get very good advice and ideas. Good luck.

I know it is easy to blame the OW, I know I did, but the real problem is your husband. He did this to you. I think you really need to explore what happened to you in childhood and the abuse you are now putting up with. He needs to make some changes, it isn't you. Strange as it sounds, for many WSs, it wasn't a great love affair, it was just two ships passing in the night. Just a thing that's over. What he doesn't understand is how much this hurt you and your family unit, and I don't believe you can heal without true remorse. Good luck.

I know this is Marriage Builders and we're all for trying to save marriages here. But I agree about the divorce thing. I go to a very conservative Baptist church that interprets the Bible literally, and even in my church, divorce is acceptable on the grounds of adultery.

At any rate, it sounds like your husband is being extremely disrespectful of you. I encourage you to stick around this board, as there are people with a great deal of wisdom that can be of real help to you.

I'm so sorry about the pain you're enduring. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />