My H and I have been married for almost 13 years and have 4 kids. I just found out he has been unfaithful AGAIN! This is the third time and I am not sure if I should even consider trying to work it out because I am not sure if he will ever know how to be faithful!! Anybody out there ever been through this muliple times and had success??

Welcome to marriage builders. There are lots of folks here who have survived multiple affairs. Please let us know more about the details. And keep reading and posting here. You will get some great support.

Well like I said we have been married almost 13 years and have 4 children. The first infidelity occured around the fifth year and the second at 9 years. With the second one he left to live with here for 6 months. I tried for 5 of those 6 to reconcile with no sucess. When I gave up hope is when he hit rock bottom and phoned me in distress telling me he needed me to go see him and I did. That was the beginning of the healing process. There was anger and distance on my part but we did get through it and I learned to trust him again and fell back in love with him. So now his job has taken him to another province.(we live in Canada) He has been there 7 months and I have learned that the last 3 months he has been seeing this girl. He was home for a week after I first found out to make things right with me but I have learned that while he was here he would leave the house to phone her and told her that he loved her. He says that he never slept with her but I don't believe him. He says that it is over now and he says he will do whatever he has to do to make things right with us. The kids and I were to be moving to the other province to join him because his job requires him to stay there but I have cancelled all of those plans for now. I cannot go there and have no friends or family not knowing forsure if the affair is over or if he will do it again in 2 years. I have always fought hard for our marriage and have always been completely committed to it and I don't want a divorce now, but I cannot put myself or my children through this every couple of years. I don't know where to begin or what exactly what it is that he has to do even. I need help!!...and so does he!

Keep reading here. You will get great information to help save your marriage. It sounds like it is not a good idea for your WH to be away from you.

Also he may need some counseling to figure out why he does these things.

I would definitely not join him under the circumstances, until he addresses these issues.

Just got off the phone with H...haven't talked to him in 24 hours. He said he liked not talking to me today cause it made him really miss me. He swears that it's over with the OW, but I don't know wheter to believe him....I have no proof and because we are so far apart there is no way of really knowing. The problem I am most struggling with right now is how do I get over the anger of having to heal from the affects of his infidelity AGAIN??? It was a long tough road the last time but we did it, well I did, and now to have to do it all over again!! It makes me so mad! I know that if this can be fixed than that is the best thing to do not only for us but for the children. I trust that God will help me through it all, but I don't know if my H will be able to deal with it! He got frusterated last time by my walls and reservations and now I have to wonder if the healing will take longer?? Anyone have any advice?

mw4B:

This is very serious. My xFWW had three affairs during our marriage..and one was with another woman.

The last affair was with a newly minted two time divorced man she had known for years.He is an alcoholic and so is she .

The last one was just too much for me to take. And the drinking only made the situation even more impossible to attempt to reconcile.

With four sons...this puts you in a difficult but not impossible situation. I woould get my lrgal and financial ducks in a row and give him a choice. YOu need to knowIf there is alcohol involved..or other chemicals..then he needs to "dry" out.

Try to take care of you and your sons. They need your protection from this and him.

And he needs to go into IC to find out why he does this.Don't rule out divorce as an option. But, it shoould be your absolute last resort.

My experience has been ..if they do it once..they will do it again unless there is intervention.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you and your sons the best.

Hi Mom- your husband obviously has a problem - after the other two A's did you both go to marriage counselling?

I agree with believer he definetly needs individual counselling and you need counselling too, a professional to talk to and decide what you want to do, perhaps he is a serial cheater - can you live the rest of your life like this?

After the other A's did you give him your bottom line, I am a ww - after my husband found out about my A he gave me his bottom line in a letter, if I ever have another A he is done, gone, he told me he could not go through this again, I believe him and know what I would be losing,

I think even if this is an EA it is an A - how can your husband tell this woman he loves her? I think you have to lay it down - I think you have to tell him he needs to come home - can he come home? It is going to be very hard to make everything work if you two are in separate provinces. I don't blame you for not wanting to uproot everyone and move if your M is not going to work out - you are in a tough situation - keep posting

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: Sandy0000 ]</small>

There ARE people here....including myself who have survived multiple affairs....but that doesn't always mean it's a good idea. With so little info about your H...I'd say the jury is still out. But one thing I know for sure, is that when dealing with mulitples...each time you have to "up the ante" on accountability. I believe that before considering reconciliation that you have some conditions that must be met...similar to the kind of conditions required following Plan B. They might include:

*individual counseling...a certain amount to be completed before you are willing to move

*a no contact letter to the OW

*agreement to enter marriage counseling....hopefully with an mb trained coach

*accountability for time and money....all the bills are open to scrutiny and his expenditures are recorded and shared.

*accountability for honesty....his cell phone records are available to you, any passwords for financial or email accounts.

*remorse....which would include a real explanation for the serial nature of his cheating.

He may balk at these things...but please hold your ground because without them, there won't be enough trust in place for you to really consider the option of moving.

Welcome to the forum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ....sorry to meet you under these circumstances. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thank you so much for replying. My H and I got councelling from our pastor after the second A. This time and the first time were both EA which hurt all the same. No my H can't come home at this time, the buisness that he works for is just starting up where he is and he will be running the company so therefore he has lots to learn and he could be putting his job in jepordy. No there are no drugs or alchol involved. That has never been an issue in our life. I have never been very blunt about never putting us through this again until now. I told him on the phone the other day that IF we can work through this that I would NEVER EVER put up with it again. If he cannot make it his mission to be faithful and make this M the happiest it can be for both of us than we have nothing more to talk about. He has agreed to go for IC and then we need to see someone together. Divorce is not something I am ready to consider mainly because of the boys but if he will not get the help he needs than I know he will do it again and I cannot live like that for me or for the boys. My H's father had multiple A on his mother for many many years until his mom left when my H was 17 and I refuse to let my boys grow up doing this to thier future wives because they saw thier dad do thier whole lives. My biggest issue at this moment is if he does what he needs to do eventually the kids and I will have to move there because we will not be able to truely get through this living apart but when will I know when that time is??

You will know when he can DEMONSTRATE through consistent actions that address the accountability issues that I mentioned. Talk is cheap! He must follow through with getting counselor. He must follow through with the NC letter. He must follow through....etc. And it must be done FIRST. I'll tell you one thing that I did....because I also found out about the affair during a move...to a foreign country. Before I was willing to even consider moving...I wrote up the goals for our marriage in contract form....and what the results of breaking the contract would be. I required that it be signed in front of a notary....I still have it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Dear Star*fish.....Thank you so much for your reply. I am curious about how your M is doing after mutiple A? You said there are people who have survived and that is good to hear. That is my biggest hope. I am confident that we can have a great M and be closer than ever! I just wish he believed the same. I like the idea of writing up a contract and having it signed....did you do that infront of a lawyer? I know that I have to be strong and hold firm in what needs to be done but sometimes it's hard for me because I have tried to be the kind of wife God commands me to be so I let my love and kindness rule which is not always in my best interest. I have faith and I don't plan to give up anytime soon but I am firm in my decision to not move at this moment.

I just thought of something else I need advice on.....I have a couple of family members who are willing to stay with the kids so that I could go to see him. I was suppose to leave tommorrow to go spend my birthday (Friday) with him. When I found out I told him that I was not going to come. He has tried to get me to reconsider but I have stood firm because I don't want him to think he has gotten his way again. But I was thinking that I might go next week so we could spend some time together alone and talk face to face rather than on the phone. I am really indesisive about whether that is a good idea or not so some feed back would be really appreciated. Should I go or should I wait till he has some counceling under his belt??

Hello, I'm new to the chat room. I recently got married not even a year ago to the father of my children. And I just learned that 6 out of the 8 months we were together that he was having an affair. I had to confront him he admitted it, has never said sorry and conitues to lie about going to work and leaves when I'm not home. I really do lve him and this hurts so much. God hasn't placed it in my heart to leave. So I guess I'm asking for your prayers for out marriage. Any advice?

Hi I am new to all this.
My husband had an affair (coming up on) a year ago. She was everything he ever wanted ina woman and I was just the mother of his 2 girls. We've been married less then 2 years at this point. We got back together 7 months ago and it wasn't all peaches and cream. It was pure hell. Nothing but fighting.
About 2 months ago, he started calling and getting calls from a "friend" of ours. He was working with her and I thought it was just a working thing. But his cll phone said he talked to her more then me. Her calls were always answered and mine weren't. Well, one day I called his voicemail and heard his messages. One was from her and she said "I was hoping to see you today." I lost it. This would make 2 in 1 year. I just don't know what to do. I put stipulations on him towards seeing her, but he didn't like that. I told him to stop seeing her first, but that was ignored. He told me he would never have an affair with her becasue she wasn't his first mistress. I just don't know what to do. I had to cell phone number changed, and the only ones who get it are me, him and our babysitters. I even went as far as recording the lifetime and all calls times. I love him and I want to make our marriage work, but I am the only one working in it. I try my hardest to meet his needs and mine are going unfullfilled. It's not fair and I don't know what to do. So please help me if you can. Thinks for reading.