<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Forgiveness will NOT return her husband ANYTHING he has lost.

Don't fool yourself. This will take years...but it won't likely be the same. Sorry.

Selfishness has it's price.

Thank you all for your posts, even those that are hard to swallow. I am way past pride, and I am working as hard as I can to understand the depth of the pain I have caused my wonderful husband. Your comments are helping me do just that, thank you. That is why I'm here, to learn from those who know the pain first hand. Thank you all for taking the time to post to me.

Why??? Why did I have the affair? Well, it had nothing to do with my husband or my love for him. It had to do completely with me. Yes, I love my husband, and I always have...that was not the problem, I don't love myself, and never have. It isn't that complicated really...I havr been in counseling for this for 8 months now, and that seems to be it. No, it is not an excuse, and doesn't justify my behavior, there is no excuse or justification for what I have done.

My affair partner said it best himself, he said my husband is more of a man than he will ever be! Yes, he is right in so many ways, my husband is a wonderful man. Everyone who knows him loves him, I'm sure you all would too.

As for the "worm", (thank you, I actually like that, and I think that will be his new nickname since his actually name makes me feel sick), he is at war...safe and sound? Will he even return?Does he contact my husband? I don't know, but I doubt it. My husband contacted him when he found out, but other than that? I ended my contact with OM completely, so that's all I know.

Thank you all for you posts...Keep them coming...All of them. The posts from the BS are really helping me understand, I do thank you!

<small>[ December 03, 2004, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Lost,

I am sorry for the pain both you and your husband are experiencing.

I am also appalled by some of the comments made to you in this thread. It disturbs me to see someone reach out for help then be slapped around with thoughtless words.

It’s already been said here…..you have got to fight for what you want. If you want your marriage, you are going to have to fight for it.

Please continue to get professional advice. You both can work through this. You have eight years invested in each other.

Please try to check out the moving forward post on general questions, or look for broken vessel, kiwi j, crazed love. It is sad that someone that comes here to save their marriage is attacked.

I actually am thankful for all the posts, even the rough ones. Reading that stuff is actually helping me...you all know the pain I've caused...you have experienced it first hand. You are helping me see where my husband is coming from, and the person I need to become in order to save my marriage. He still loves me, and that all the hope I need. I don't want a divorce, but i know I deserve one. I know the road ahead is a rocky one, but I will not lose hope. I made the mistake of a lifetime, and now I will spend the rest of my life trying to help my husband recover, it is the least I can do. Thank you all...Take Care

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 03:48 PM: Message edited by: lostnlonelygirl ]</small>

I am the BW, but you are here on MB so I look at you as a sister. You do not deserve the ranting and raving and disrespectful judgements.

You may feel remorseful, but should not be a target.

Thank you believer...I can't help but notice your situation is much like my parents ( married 8, best friends 17)...My Dad cheated on my Mom, he left her for another woman (who he later married and divorced after only two weeks of marriage), my parents divorced after 10 years of marriage I was only an infant at the time. They have been best friends for over 20 years now! My Step Mother and my Mother even get along great...She offered my Mom a job in the family business...Yep, My Mom, Dad, and Step Mother all worked together for years. Holidays are all spent together, etc! Just one big crazy...yet loving happy family. Now there is one for you guys! There is hope..even after adultery and an ugly divorce, my parents are proff of that!

Sweetie -

I probably do have the same relationship as your parents. We have my kids, his, and step kids.

I am good friends with WH's ex. We all try to get along. We have spent many holidays together.

Just had to let you know I had an e-mail and a phone call from my husband today, and both were positive! I can see little flickers of hope here!

He said he will slow down a little with the divorce, but he still wants the separation now...so I am torn, I still don't want to sign the separation papers, but he is opening up slowly!

Hi there,

I hope that my first post didn't reach over to you as "flaming", it wasn't meant to be.

When I wrote that you will have to accept his decision, I wasn't saying that you had to give up.

It sounds so good that your husband is giving you some positive feedback. I'm happy for you.

It's just so important for you to learn things for yourself and grow from your mistakes.
Within time, others (your husband) will become aware of this.
You can still show him that you truely love him and that you don't wish for a divorce but the last decision will still be his.

I also wrote that everyone reacts differently when they discover the affair. Some freak out, others fall apart and others again are in complete denial.
The first reaction is definately shock!!!!

It's a shock for the BS and a shock for the WS but within time, things do change.

I myself was very loving to my husband when I first found out. I was able to hold him and comfort him. I even rocked him like a baby and he was crying in my arms.
Gosh, I would of gave the world if he would of done this for me but it was the way it was.

Later as time passed, things seemed to reverse completely. I had freakouts and I had times when I was far from loving I was in Complete PAIN and it almost killed me. The pain I was feeling was the worse I have ever felt before in my entire life.
It's unexplainable and if you haven't experienced it, it just will not make sence.

I believe that your husbands first reaction to get a divorce immediately was a shock reaction. Nothing in the world and no words would of gave him something to reconsider his decision. At least not at that time.

But as days go by............things will change and the first shock will sooth.
But still "words" will not help very much. It will only be the reaction he sees and then he will begin to revaluate.

It will still be his decision, no matter what. You can show him your love and you can reassure him that you are there for him whenever he needs you.
But he'll be looking closely and even if he does decide to divorce, it'll probably not be a decision for life.
It's his "broken ego" and his "Torn apart heart". He is trying to "flee from the pain" and he is trying to give you a dash of the pain he is going through. Within time, he too will see that he cannot "runaway" from the pain because it will not just disappear.

It will always be there until he deals with it.

This takes time...................

Give him his space and show him that you are working on yourself. (I'm more than sure that you are doing this)

I also believe that a WS that "gets it" recovers much quicker than a BS.
Patience is the key. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Patience and time............

take care
bb

Thank you all for your posts. They are really helping me sort out this mess I've created. Advice would be great as far as the papers. I'm back to the thought that I should just sign them, I don't want to give him the impression that is what I want, but I don't want to stop him from doing what he thinks he needs to do to move forward and heal. What do you think? Time is ticking...

I guess the reason this is so scary it it is not just separation papers that he wants me to sign, but the full settlement agreement as well. The separation part is fine, I know he needs that, the the settle ment agreement can wait till down the road in my opinion?

Also, the settlement agreement gives me nothing. I think it is fair because of what I've done, but he works, and I am a full time student. Hw has fully supported my not working. He didn't want me to work, he just wanted me to go to school. So how will I support myself? I figure that is my problem right? I was the one who had the affair, why should he continue to support me? Any thoughts here? As for now, I have put my all my pride aside, and am back living with my family.

LLG,
Another comment.

As I said if it were me I wouldn't sign any of it. I'd tell my H that I made a huge mistake and needed time with H to work on the M. If after some time, recovery isn't going well then each of you can decide. That way you can both look back and say that both of you gave it a good shot.

OK now if you ignore all the advice that you've neen given that is obviously your choice. If you do have an attorney read the documents.

BTW why do you feel you should get goose egg, zip & nada? What state are you in? What state is H in and how long has he been there?

I'm a BH and if I ever decided to divorce my W bc for some reason I can't get over it. I'd want her to get something.

Just MHO,

cwmac

I'm in California (no fault 50/50), amd my Dad is a lawyer! He specialized in divorce for 10 years. He has advised me...He said not to sign. He said my husband is not being fair, and his lawyer is trying to pull a fast one. He has advised me what to do, but I won't, since I feel it will hurt my chances of working on my marriage. My husband asked me yesterday what my Dad said, I just said he told me to do what I thought was best. I couldn't tell him exactly what advice I had been given. I can't post it here either, that would be stupid. My husband is not reading this, but I still can't. Sorry not to include more details. Oh...Husband lives in Virginia (fault state) has been there 6 months, and will only be there 3 more months, so unless he plans of flying back and forth, a divorce there will be difficult.

I am not saying I will never give him the divorce he is asking for...if in time it is clear that he cannot forgive me, I will let go. I love him, and I feel that would only be fair after all he's been through. But I don't think he deserves to be left without a fight either.

Why do I feel I deserve nothing in the settlement. Plain and simple...I had the affair! He ahs fully supported me all the way through college. I have supported him too though...I have helped him become the success he is today...fat pay check and all. I pushed him, he resents me for that I think, but he is happy with his dream job he now has, and his increased cash flow.

Harley suggests that both parties to an affair, betrayed and wayward, not make rash decisions in the heat of the moment after discovery.

Your H hasn't had the benefit of reading Harley so we'll have to help him by not signing the papers. lol.

I'm glad your father has advised you.

Are you and H talking regularly? If he keeps conversations short, you may want to consider writing him a letter. Tell him how badly you feel. You made a horrible mistake and you'd like to give the marriage a shot. Tell him you're willing to go to IC to find out the why's of your behavior.

I understand that you wouldn't want to devuldge any confidential info from your father. Sometimes when I post I catch myself thinking what if the wife used some of this against me if we ever decided to split. Oh well.

cwmac

Our communication is pretty good at this time, not as much as I'd like, but he is nice, and that is good enough. I try to keep it short, and avoid the heavy stuff, at least for now.

I sent him the SAA book, and he freaked, he thought I was blaming him for my actions I think. Who knows, maybe he burned it, maybe he took a little peak? I would love to get him to the conference in Sept., it's only a couple huors from where he lives. We'll just have to see where we are at in Sept. It could help, if he would go. What do you think?

My husband and I should be talking for sure tomorrow, so I'll keep you informed. He will ask about the papers, and I think I will tell him the truth...I understand his need for separation, but we already are separated physically and financially. I will sign a simple separation agreement only, not a detailed settlement agreement, that can be done later down the road.

I honestly don't think he knows what he wants. I think if I do sign a simple separation agreement it will give him the space he needs to decide what he wants to do next. Then he can tell everyone who asks..we're separated. I think his pride needs that for now. I will not give up on our marriage, and I don't think he will either, but he needs time, and space, and to him the separation is space. I may be making a mistake? We'll see.

LLG,
Next time you speak with him please tell him that you had no intention of saying that he caused your affair. Tell him that was your decision and yours alone. Tell him that you had many choices but you made the wrong one.

Tell him that the reason that you sent him SAA was that you were hoping that he might take a look. No pressure just hoping since you'd like to give M a shot.

cwmac

Thank you cwmac, I think he is slowly coming around. I would love to sent him "Not Just Friends", but I will wait...My jaw dropped when I read that. If only...If only either of us had read that book before...things could have been different. What's done is done, but I sure have learned from this. He wants reasurrance I won't do it again...I think the only reassurance I can give him is to keep learning...the affair didn't just happen, and it won't just happen again. My affair makes perfect sence now, as crazy as that sounds. I have learned a great deal, and I won't stop. I owe it to myself and my husband. I cannot have another affair...I cannot deal with the emotional pain...Once is enough. I learned!

LLG,
It sounds as though you're off to a good start. My IC said that regardless of the outcome of the marriage both individuals should use it as an oppurtunity to grow and develope as people.

I think I've read about a dozen books on infidelity and marriage improvement. My W on the other hand hasn't one all the way thru. She has just recently started IC. She was hesitant at the beginning. In her mind it was me that needed to change by 180 degrees. She was fine. (I had to keep reminding her that there had to be a reason she had the affair) Was it insecurity? Poor self-esteem? She's finaaly got it. (I think)

Keep improving yourself.

Mac