My H had A about 10 months ago. We have been on a rollercoaster ever since with him declaring the A over about 4 times. He is on a sailing holiday with some mates and I found that he and her at the very least have beeb e-mailing their love and support to one another. He has lied to me as he promised NC. He says she is in bed place and he is caring for a friend. B/S***!!
Where to from here? Part of me says you can't let someone disrespect you constantly like that. Change the locks and get a lawyer.
i have three kids who love their Dad and apart from this he really is a good Dad. How and what do I tell them about why I won't let their father back home? Is their any other option for me to work through or is their no hope for us? We have been M 16 years and togethersince we were 20. I do not even know who I am with out him.
PLEASE HELP
S

Arty,

Slow down!! Have you read everything from the Harley's yet? If not, start getting smart.

If you have been at this for ten months, it might be time for Plan B. We can help ou set that up.

First off, a couple questions:

Is OW married?

If so, have you told her husband?

How do WH and OW know each other (work, etc)?

Let's start there. You may be afraid to start Plan B. I was. But if this has dragged on, and he still cant get rid of his addiction, it might be time to force the OW to meet his needs...WHICH SHE WONT BE ABLE TO DO!!

In His arms.

Thanks for your reply!
OW is only 26, H 41. She isn't married and they met at a work related confrence.
I read about Plan B a while ago and can't remeber!
What do you suggest?
S

Read SAA...and this site. I will have stuff posted by tomorrow. You need to get smart!!! You are on the frontlines, so you will have to be an expert at all of this before you can help your marriage.

I'll have more here by the morning.

In His arms.

I have no idea where to go from here!
Plan B is no contact. I'm not sure if I can legally insist on him not entering our home and whether that will inflame the situation. Thanks for your support and looking forward to your wisdom being mine.
S

Arty,

I wish I had some wise and comforting advice for you, but I can at least offer you my thoughts.

You are not alone. That may not be comforting, but sadly, it's so very true. You sound so desperate right now. I sure do know that feeling all to well. You might be wishing that you could immediately get about 20 perfect responses to ease your troubled mind. I know that feeling too. I think a lot of us do. You are not alone....just remember that....you are not alone.

Just to change the subject, might I ask, whereabouts are you from? Not specifically of course, just generally. I ask because you used a term that is not common for those from here in the States where I live (on a sailing holiday with some mates), and because it's usually so very quiet here this time of the night (well, night here in the States). Heck, I'm on the west coast, and it's just past midnight here now.

UN,
I am from Melbourne Australia and it is now 8.40pm.
It doesn't make me feel any better to know that others feel as low as I do. In fact it makes me sadder. My comfort is that I might get some advice from someone who has walked in my shoes. I just want to feel confident in my decisions and the path I take. I feel I have spent 10 months wishing things weren't as they seem to be. I thought we were in recovery and clearly we are miles away from that.
S

Arty,

I have walked in your shoes, okay? Go back to the General Questions II board, and look at my threads starting in June 2002. You will see the progression.

I cannot substitute for you reading up on this stuff. Reading the books. Reading the boards here. Go to the "concepts" part of this website. You must now become an expert in marriage, affairs, etc. Once you have all this information, it will help you calm down, and help you stay the course. It will also help you know what to do.

Read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. Find out how your husband ticks now.

You may be able to kick him out. I dont know the laws in Australia. But I can show you a form of Plan B even in your own home. It doesnt work as well as full, NC...but it is better than nothing.

But you must first do your homework. Read. Find out where you stand legally. Get ready to do battle. I dont mean to destroy your husband. I mean to save him...iand if you cant save him and this marriage, then you will at least save yourself and your children.

Keep asking question. We will try to help you. But please start with filling your head with all the information you can.

In His arms.

<small>[ July 22, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Mortarman,
Thanks. I am starting to read but it is still so hard to make dicisions that will be right for me.

Question 1: He says he finds it hard not to have contact with OW. She helped him in a time of need now he wants to be there to her help. What a nice guy (tongue firmly in cheek). How do I respond without belittling him?

Question 2; He has offered NC with OW but then lets himself and me down bringing as back to a postion of less trust than before. What to do?

Question 3: He says he loves both of us but wants a life with me. He says you can't tell someone how to feel. I say, you can feel what ever you like but I don't have to live with someone who pines for someone else. Is there a better response?

Question 4: If he reluctantly offers me NC but says it will be hard do I allow him the opportunity to stay at home and hurt me again?

Question 5: How do you impliment Plan B when he doesn't want to leave? Is it worth the hurt the kids will feel?

Question 6: How do you turn the tide of resentment around? He blames me for my outbursts of anger and pain being destructive to our marriage -I blame him for A causing the problem.

Question 7: How to reconnect and live in a marriage of trust and depth of feeling not pain and gut reaction?

Well, I have so much more to ask but lets leave it there for now.
S

Arty,

most of these questions cannot be answered until you come to understand Affairs.
You cant look at your hubby for these answers,, he is in La LA land. Hes looking for reasons to justify his affair IE: blaming you..
In all honesty if you continue to just take the anger approach he will find more reason to continue contact with OW.
I had to accept the fact that the BS must be this better person to help end an affair. Be caring when you tell him your unhappy,,, even if you are telling him you want to separate.
Its just not how you wish to live your life.
Dont trust anything your husband says right now ,, he is fogged out bad.
You also have to remember AFFAIRS ARE NOT REAL!
The pain an affair causes is very real,,, but the affair itself is a false state of feeling from the get go. An escape, false love, confidence builder,,, whatever they reason for an affair they are not real,, this woman is actually no match for you, yes even in your husbands eyes.
You are his wife,,,,, the mother of his children, the one he exchanged his vows with. You are still all of this to him. So why in the heck is seeing another?
Well, speaking from an outside view I would say it is an ego issue, based on the difference in age and her single life. It probably gives your husband great confidence to be with such a younger woman. It is a good feeling to him. I would bet before his affair began he had pretty low self esteem. Maybe it was the Marriage auto pilot state of mind we all tend to fall in to.
I put my marriage on auto pilot,,, fell into that feeling of (WE ARE MARRIED AND THATS THAT) But I totally forgot why we were married. My wife was in desperate need of excitement and had lost so much of her self wealth.... It did not take her long to find a person who would act,,,, and I emphasize the word ACT as he was the ultimate man to fullfill her needs. Its all one big act not true emotions. I would bet your husband cannot imagine loosing you and living with the OW. \
Right now he is getting the best of both worlds. If he refuses to NC. You have no choice but to plan B him. Take away the needs met by you. Do you think this OW can fill your shoes,,, I seriously doubt it. Give him something to think about. Remember you have to do all of this without love busting him. No more outburst of anger. Be sincere and be firm in gentle way. Talk to your husband,, when he tries to get you to verbally abuse him, tell him your sorry he feels that way. He will want you to lash out at him because when you do, he says do you think I want a woman who does me this way!!! Do him the way you did when you first met and you were both falling in love,, fill his love bank. Give him something to think about.

Good luck and hope this helps you.

Eric,
Thanks for your kind words.
His need to build up his ego has destroyed mine.
I will do my best to keep calm and tell him how I feel without lashing out. I'll keep you posted.
Do you recommend exposing to family about A? I think he would be shattered if his family knew.
S

Arty,
Harley reccommends EXPOSING the affair weather it is to a spouse of the OP or to whomever can make the affair just to complicated to continue. Right now the affair only has you to intervene. If you believe the families knowledge would create a burden on the affair, then I say let it out. Will he get angry and lash out at you,,, you can go ahead and expect that. When he does,, try to still keep your cool let him know why you exposed the affair. You are fighting for your marriage and your family unit.
As for your ego,,, I understand completely. That is why it is so hard to be the BS. You have to hurt and still be loving to the WS. I never said any of this was easy. It takes a strong and dedicated spouse to plan A. Be strong and be dedicated, your goal is to rebuild your marriage and get your husband out of the fog. You cannot concentrate on the rebuilding until your hubby is un fogged. Plan A him to death. Plan A is not some kinda miracle cure for marriages it is a guide that takes alot of dedication to follow. You can do it,,,,, I know If I could anyone can.

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: eric. n ]</small>

Eric,
I suppose I lulled myself into believing we were in recovery and the got dissapointed when he didn't give more.
My problem is eaach time I get tough and suggest separation he concedes to NC with OW. How do I know when he means it and is out of the fog enough to keep it.
I so want to trust him but the hurt of his betrayal grows with each time.
How do youI don't want to have to keep mistrusting him, checking his e-mails etc.
S

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: arty ]</small>

Arty,

My first question to you is WHY is your H on HOLIDAY without you (his wife) and his family!!!??

Trust is ONLY gained thru N/C. You would have to be terribly naive to think that it is over now............H gets to reap the reward for breaking that trust. Unfortunetly we the BS's pay a higher price in our "pain"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

H needs to send N/C letter and let you read it.
WATCH it go in the mail.
Or have him call, you listening on other end.???I would have nothing LESS than ONE OF THOSE! period.

There is no way to trust your H at this pt. in time. He has not earned it.

Until and unless he does the letter or call....there is no reasonable reason for you to think you are anywhere near close to being in recovery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ultimately it is WH's choice...... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and I for one will pray he's got sense enough to realize what he doing to you and your children in the process!!!

NO more Holidays ALONE.

Period. EVER. for YEARS. it is a deal-breaker in my book....

Read, read, read.
Pray, pray, pray!!!!
Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We have been going away with close friends on girl and boy week ends for some years now. An opportunity to holiday while the kids are still well cared for etc. The guys go sailing we do our things. In general I don't mind cos he works so hard etc. They go sailing which doesn't interest me and he loves. It is only in this context where it clearly doesn't work.
S