i'm hoping someone has some advice for me. briefly, i've been married 7 years - most seemed good but looking back it was obvious we weren't meeting each others needs. i cheated (a lot) back several years ago, but realized the destructiveness of it and quit about 3.5 years ago. i've just found out she's been seeing someone for about 5 weeks. things have seemed wrong to me for about 4 weeks, i started suspecting an affair with the guy last tuesday, we were at a wedding last weekend and we got along great, were having a blast, but she wouldn't have sex even though the timing would have been perfect (we had been laughing, touching and kissing, we were in the bed, etc.) Later that day she said she needed to be "single". I asked her if there was someone else, she said no. I returned from a business trip this Tuesday morning at about 4:00 AM (I wasn't scheduled to get back until about 8:30). Her car was gone - I drove to the suspected OM's house, and passed her on the way (the guy lives close by.) Confronted her at home a few minutes later, she denied and then admitted.

I can forgive, and I am willing to work on the M, but she's still at the point where she thinks this guy is her "soulmate". She's planning on leaving soon, but is still willing to go to a marriage counselor with me. The whole situation is really destructive - the company she works for would fire her over it - and I am, of course, sick.

The only good thing is that she is a reasonable person and will listen - I just don't know what to say as I am too distraught.

Hi,
Sorry for your circumstances. But the One word I cannot stand more than anything is "soulmate". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Sorry.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My exWW said that once And at first I wanted to puke, but shock quickly ensued.
I recommend reading the material on this site and read about others who may have similar circumstances so you can develope a good plan.
It sounds hopeful that your wife will at least listen, some here have spouses that are so deep in the fog bank nothing will get through.
Good Luck

Often times we see our partner partake in actions we may find highly out of character. There are always reason as to why this may be. Yet when we have strong feelings for someone we do so get easily hurt when we feel we have been lied to. And that hurt often makes us take actions that may jepordize what we have built with our partner.

To feel uncomfortable about a situation and not confronting it in the beginnning often leads us further down the path to an ending. We must find a way to talk to our partner in which they do not feel threatened or embarrassed.

No one wants to hurt the person they love and if one finds that through his actions he hurting the person he loves, then it's only logical the only way to ease that pain is to leave. But if we do not want it to come to that point, communication is the only way. Don't just ask why...rather offer support. Is there any way I can help you with whatever is bothering you. Or What do you feel is missing from our relationship that we can work on?

A gentle tone, and understanding voice can coax the heart to be laid bare. And there in lies the truth of what troubles the heart no? When hearts start to stray...I believe love is the sheperd that can lead us back to where our hearts have made a home.

Good luck.

Thanks for the replies. I can't stand the term soulmate, either, and it may not be exactly the term she used, but the thought is there.

I'm hurt, really hurt, but more than that I'm scared. I think she's going to go through with it, leave me, lose her job and friends and alienate some of her family, and in a year when she realized why she did it and the relationship with the OM is over, she'll be very unhappy. I don't want that for her, but its hard to see what to do. "Exposing" the affair - telling friends and family about it - seems too destructive. She's a smart person and would, most likely, be able to see what she's doing if a counselor put it the right way, but the marriage counselor we've got an appointment with is the "I respect your decision to have an affair and leave the marriage" type.