Stanley -

Don't make my call on spiderslayer for a cyber-slap. She is very good at them.

Hey, do you have any money laying around? You might consider a wise investment, making an appointment with the Harley's or Penny on saveyourmarriage central.

It is quite expensive, but often they can do in a couple sessions what it takes a regular marriage counselor months. I forget what it costs - I think $250. to $300. for an hour.

If that is too much, I suggest you read on the home page about restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment and reconciliation. You don't want to be your own worst enemy now that you have Myrta on board.

BELIEVER...thank you for your positive outlook to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I think you should not complain that your wife has not open up to you. The more details a person knows, the more they want. I bet that just because my husband knows details about the affair, he is not any happier than you! Is better I think ,not to know so much. You already know an affair happened, why go to the dirty details, why dig all the dirt out, and hurt your mate more? Why?
My husband is a very inquisittive person. When he wants to know something, he wont let go of the matter. He annoys me sometimes with his insistence.
His new thing now, is that I have to tell him all the time that I am HIS! That I am his property.
Sometimes I think that he stays with me,simply because he does not want the OM to have me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
He wrote several e-mails to the OM, and in not ONE of them, he told the OM, that he loved me and because of his love he did not want to lose me. He just told him that he was too old to look for a new woman. That it will be a mess, to go thru a divorce, because of the kids,sale of the house,etc,etc.
By what you read here, do you think he has true, sincere love for me? Love that forgives evething, even an AFFAIR?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Thank you for your kindness.
Myrta

Myrta -

I don't know you at all, but only through your husband's posts for the last couple of months. I know that he loves you and cherishes you, thinks you are a good wife, wonderful mother, very beautiful and young looking.

You are a good homemaker, a great sex partner, have an extremely kind heart, and he has always wanted only you.

So what is not to love? No wonder he wants to stay married!

BELIEVER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> wow, THOSE WORDS COMING FROM A STRANGER SOUND SO BEAUTIFUL!!! You are really making me feel like a true BELIEVER.
Actually, this affair,made me realize for the first time in our marriage that he truly loves me. Before I always had doubts. Even now, the words from the OM made me doubt, but deep down I truly BELIEVE in his love for me.
Thank you so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I wish you the best luck with yourmarriage. I am sure you will be. YOu sound like an excellent man just like my husband <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And I am sure your wife regrets deeply what she did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know I do!
Myrta

You know, reading Myrta's words confirms my beleif why it is so important to have both H & W contributing to these boards. We now have a much more complete story than when we solely relied on one person [usually the BS]. The whole truth seldom lies on one side.

Aussie2.....I am sure my husband will take you up in your offer to trash the OM, since he really likes doing that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
If you think about it, it really doesnot serve any purpose, but to irritate us. Maybe the first time he saidit he did not know, but after, he did!
But we are doing better at communicating. It has always been hard for me to open up to people. Thats the way I grew up, with walls around me. I was much younger than my sibblings, and really no one paid attention to me growing up, so I got to be very shy and withdrawn to the world.
My husband was always there for me. He really guided me thru my teen years, since I was a bit off track. I always really looked up to him, since he seemed so mature. But I always saw him, like someone so much more above me, that I always felt a bit intimidated by him. See, he was in medical school and I was still in high school, so I felt really important dating him, but at the same time, I felt so inferior to him. I always asked myself why he was with me. But here we are today, 30+years after. So I guess it must be LOVE after all!
Myrta

Myrta - I am the wife and my husband is the one that is living with the other woman - just so you know.

And yes, your husband DOES love you.

Believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I am so sorry about that. Actually I did know that, but I guess something in one of your posts today, threw off track. But I did know you were the wife. Sorry again!
Myrta

Myrta - Don't worry about it. You still are new here, and it takes some time to get to know everyone.

But you are doing just fine. Hopefully we will be able to straighten your husband out.

Myrta-------- Honey-----------that withdrawal and fog is taking its toll.

Believer is a gal!

Myrta is very late and you are getting people mixed up.

Believer, Myrta knows who you are, but she is new at this game of posting and she gets everybody confused such a the post to "Just Believer" where she blended you and JL. I tell you what, Myrta is precious and she can be witty too. BTW, I do the same thing I am bad with names.

Myrta said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
"I felt really important dating him, but at the same time, I felt so inferior to him. I always asked myself why he was with me. But here we are today, 30+years after. So I guess it must be LOVE after all!"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This has always been a puzzle to me. I always treated Myrta with respect and she was the one running the show---- I had her on a pedestal, she was the center of my existence. I have been dealing with this issue since day one and BTW------------------ this was her opening line to the Oops--------- I am going to have to say it-------- the OM who milked this issue to the max.

I was talking earlier today with Myrta about why she did what she did. Myrta said it was simply a rebellion at age 49 and the fact that our old two kids were having severe marital problems. She was stressed and the OM provided the outlet for rebellion. However, she is also a little naughty!

Stanley - Sometimes naughty is fun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Myrta is doing fine. She is very new here. When I first got to this site, I was a mess, completely unable to "get it". But the good folks here pulled me through. (Ouch! Sometimes they had to pull me by my hair.)

Believer....hmm....I admire the way you are handling your big problem. You dont seem like a bitter person, lots of people going thru this get so angry at everyone. But yet, you are so nice and positive, advising people in a good way.
I am sure, you will find a very good man, that really loves you.
Again, sorry about the mix-up last night. I was very tired and it was late, so all my thoughts were <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> like that!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Myrta

Myrta -

My attitude is thanks to this board. When I was first going through all of this, I was a complete mess.

It took me a long time to post to WS's. When I started understanding how hurt they are too, it gave me empathy. The men that have strayed and then come here are treated decently.

For some reason, the wives that have strayed are not treated as well. It irritates me. What good does it do to drive someone off the board who is trying to make their marriage better?

This thread has gone very well. I think partly because your husband is here and defending you. There still may be some bitter people who come here, but you can just toss them out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope you will keep posting and reading. You are doing just fine.

I know I will not go back to the affair, but yet I still think about the "things" we did, our talks,etc. Despite him being a typical OM, I think he was different with "ME".


I will be frank----------- over the last few days I have been stressed about the possibility that Myrta may fail. She keeps saying “I will not go back”, but this is what she said before while she was engaging the OM on the phone. Despite everything being so positive with Myrta I am still scared!

BTW, Myrta just send me an email giving me plenty of reassurance and that really makes me feel better. She says it finally dawned on her that I always loved her. I always did!!!!!

Since I was very young, I was very aware of my sexuality. He was always more serious and trying to make me a "good girl". I think I am, but, he might think that I am not! He always tells me that he likes the way I am. That he would not have me any other way, but at the same time, he wants to change my thoughts and actions.

Yep, if you saw the movie Lolita--------- that was Myrta at age 13-14. She was quite young, but to a 17 year-old kid like me she looked like a full-grown woman. She was naughty back them whereas I was more serious. I counseled her a lot during those days. I might have influenced her a little bit, but to be honest people are who they are and tend to change little over a lifetime.


Sometimes I think that he stays with me, simply because he does not want the OM to have me.
He wrote several e-mails to the OM, and in not ONE of them, he told the OM, that he loved me

I simply wanted to save face, it was 2-3 days after D-day. I told OM I could not go thru a divorce because I didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to find a new partner at age 53, and wanted to avoid the headache of a divorce. That is how I felt at that moment. However, shortly after discovery I was 100% sure I wanted to leave Myrta, there was no doubt in my mind. However, the magnitude of a divorce and the idea of throwing away a lifetime hit home. I also realized I loved Myrta thru thick and thin. The fact that Myrta immediately stopped the affair and wanted to stay married helped quite a bit.

He just told him that he was too old to look for a new woman. That it will be a mess, to go thru a divorce, because of the kids, sale of the house, etc, etc.

Oh yeah, the OM used this information and kept telling Myrta I did not love her. And Myrta believed him! During those days the word of the OM was the gospel. I also politely asked the OM never to call my home again and he kept doing it.

Actually, this affair, made me realize for the first time in our marriage that he truly loves me. Before I always had doubts. Even now, the words from the OM made me doubt, but deep down I truly BELIEVE in his love for me.


The one who now has doubts is me. I know Myrta cannot say “I love you” with the same emotion I do. She has a divided heart and that is VERY HARD on me. I used to LB her a lot by asking her to go away with the OM if her heart was divided, but now, thanks to Mbs I have realized I have to wait it out. Myrta certainly did not help her withdrawal by talking and seeing the OM!


That’s the way I grew up, with walls around me. I was much younger than my siblings, and really no one paid attention to me growing up, so I got to be very shy and withdrawn to the world.

Yep, I remember that!

My husband was always there for me. He really guided me thru my teen years, since I was a bit off track. I always really looked up to him, since he seemed so mature. But I always saw him, like someone so much more above me, that I always felt a bit intimidated by him.

I think this was always a problem and Myrta was gratified to finally meet an OM who was messed up and with similar childhood problems. The excerpt below from psychology today explains it quite well.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of
Infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in
love.

You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful
(wonderful people don't screw around with married
people) but when you are going through a crisis in
your own life.

An affair with someone grossly inappropriate--someone
decades younger or older, someone dependent or
dominating, someone with problems even bigger than
your own--is so crazily stimulating. It's like a
drug that can lift you out of your depression and
enable you to feel things again.

Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in
distress, people without a life but with a lot of
problems, people with bad reality testing and little
concern with understanding reality better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OM was a dumsel in distress, no doubt. He felt tremendous guilt over the pain he caused his children over the breakup of his marriage following his infidelity. Myrta helped the OM deal with this pain. In turn the OM adviced (and still does) Myrta to leave her marriage. Is this a contradiction or typical OM-speak?


I felt really important dating him, but at the same time, I felt so inferior to him. I always asked myself why he was with me. But here we are today, 30+years after. So I guess it must be LOVE after all!

With the OM Myrta felt she was at the same level ------ see above.

Sorry, I just want to understand all this madness!

<small>[ September 24, 2004, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Believer:

It took me a long time to post to WS's. When I started understanding how hurt they are too, it gave me empathy. The men that have strayed and then come here are treated decently.
For some reason, the wives that have strayed are not treated as well.

Believer, I post profusely--------- it is my only therapy. I have not discussed this with anyone and we don’t go to MC.

In any event, it is a shame women are always judged to a different standard. But now that women work out of the home and we have Internet the rate of infidelity among the genders is similar.

BTW, I have a question for JL, the resident physicist who is probably well versed in mathematics.

All books say that men are more unfaithful than women. However, who are these men being unfaithful with? Women!

If we exclude the gay community from the analysis one could say:

(1) That every time a man is unfaithful there is a woman involved.

(2)And every time a woman is unfaithful there is a man involved.

If that is the case. One would expect the rate of infidelity to be the same for both sexes.

What do you think believer?

As for WH(s):

I think men tend to be a little different in that they have a higher rate of leaving the marriage if they fall in love with the OW.

God knows what he is doing because if ever fell in love like Myrta did with the OM I would be a goner. In other words if ever fall in love outside the marriage I don’t know if I could come back. Maybe guys are wired differently, but I suspect that the men who come back to the marriage following an affair were never in love with the OW. The ones that fall in love probably leave the marriage. In that regard women are better in that a significant number of them try to make the marriage work.

Myrta,

You asked a few things I thought I would answer by using your H’s words. This will be a long post but unfortunately I am on a limited time schedule today. So please excuse my jumping around. You asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband gets angry if I defend him, but he attacks him too much, and it makes me angry. He always compares himself to him, and tells me that he is so much better than the OM. I know that, he knows that, the OM knows that, so why say it so much?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband does mention him a lot, sometimes I want to forget, but not a day goes by that he has to mention HIM. I would like for him to take some breaks and not talk about him, and just relax and talk about other things. But HE is always in our conversations. When we make love he is there too. Because my husband wants details then!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, what you don’t appreciate is that short of your marriage to Stanley and perhaps the birth of your children, THIS IS THE MOST TRAUMATIC THING that has ever happened to your husband. He has been shaken to the very foundation of his soul by what you did. Do you remember me telling you that you don’t appreciate the damage? That some things are broken that you don’t even recognize yet? Well, here is a glimpse. Read what your H said.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never thought I would end up with no pride in my relationship with Myrta. Life is strange!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now I am so insecure that I feel I can only save my marriage by watching her and by making sure she has NC with OM. This makes me look as a needy insecure person and Myrta will be the 1st one to tell you that I have never been like that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta says over and over again that I have nothing to worry about. I guess she is so sure of herself that she felt it was OK to talk to the OM and even see him in person. However, when she opened up she admitted seeing the OM in person was hard on her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you see what he is saying? Myrta, these are NOT attacks on you, these are your H baring his soul. And there is more in there. Now do you see why he is so focused on the OM. You brought OM into his life, you betrayed his marriage with OM, and you keep telling yourself OM is no big deal. However, you now admit that meeting him was hard on you.

Myrta, a lot of this will settle out, but it takes time and it takes patience on your part. The damage you did is much greater than you realize and the reasons you did not realize it are mentioned later in this thread. Myrta, I hate to tell you this but your H is a human being, he is not perfect and he does have fears. He is telling you those fears. Listen to them, and appreciate that they are there. He will need a lot of reassurance, but gradually things will improve. Part of the reassurance is you telling him the truth. I will talk about that in a moment.

Next you asked and commented
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is always asking me who is better in bed, and I always tell him that they are both different and cannot be compared. But he thinks that I like sex with the OM more. And to tell you the truth I have always liked having sex with my husband, and I also liked having sex with the OM. I am sexual, he knows that. Since I was very young, I was very aware of my sexuality. He was always more serious and trying to make me a "good girl". I think I am, but, he might think that I am not! He always tells me that he likes the way I am. That he would not have any other way, but at the same time, he wants to change my thoughts and actions.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, I suspect your H really likes and enjoys the fact that you are a sexual person. It makes you very special to him, which implies that to him that sex is something special to you as well. However, it is hard for him to hear that OM and he are about the same. You really don’t prefer one or the other. Now, on many levels this is undoubtably true, given human physiology. But it also tells him that emotionally you were as connected to OM as you have ever been to your husband.

Do you see why he might worry about that? Do you see why he feels he has no pride or self-esteem left? You should not lie to him and you have not since you have come here. That is a very good thing, but one thing your H has lost is the belief that he was “special” to you. He now knows that is not true, and he has to deal with it and accept it. That is hard to do, it takes time, and it takes talking it out which is what you are seeing from him. It is very hard to accept that you are not “special” to your spouse, but it is a reality that he faces. One of those things you probably did not realized was destroyed. There are more of those types of things. The purpose here is to change things and rebuild things so that those loses are overcome.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yesterday I told him many things, I opened up quiet a bit, but he got kind of shocked with the new information. I hurt his feelings, even though he ways I did not. Thats why I dont like to tell him things, because he gets more hurt,and it kills me to see him like that. I feel like a monster saying things like that to him.
Well, I felt like I had to say this things here</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did very well Myrta, and I am sure you are right he was and is hurt by what he heard. But, Myrta he needed to hear them. He needs to face the reality of this, and he seems willing to do that. It is important for him to know what he needs to know, so that trust can be rebuilt, so that understanding can be rebuilt, so that “intimacy”, I mean emotional intimacy, can be rebuilt. You are doing well, and I know it is hard on you as well, as it forces you to face the impact of your actions on him. It is not pleasant, but I firmly believe that you will be a stronger couple for it in the long run.

You mentioned to Believer

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you should not complain that your wife has not open up to you. The more details a person knows, the more they want. I bet that just because my husband knows details about the affair, he is not any happier than you! Is better I think ,not to know so much. You already know an affair happened, why go to the dirty details, why dig all the dirt out, and hurt your mate more? Why?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, if he knew no more than he did when he first found out, he would have left you, told the children, and ended the marriage. With more details he has decided to stay and rebuild this marriage at great cost to his ego, pride, self-esteem, and emotions. Why? Because with more details he can put the story together, he does not fear light, but the darkness of ignorance is something he fears greatly as do I. want proof? Look at your next statement about him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband is a very inquisittive person. When he wants to know something, he wont let go of the matter. He annoys me sometimes with his insistence.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right, what you are seeing is his fear of the darkness of ignorance. He needs to know what he is forgiving. He needs to know the person he is married to, and at this point he is pretty sure he does not. That ignorance has caused him the worst pain in his life. So expect many questions, he seeks knowledge to defend himself, just as you sought his ignorance to defend yourself.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His new thing now, is that I have to tell him all the time that I am HIS! That I am his property.
Sometimes I think that he stays with me,simply because he does not want the OM to have me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am guess but I think you are in error with both of these points. He is seeking reassurances for what he lost. He is seeking a place to stand upon,when what he feels is that he has lost it. He is trying to get balance, and with that you will see swings and over reactions, and then adjustments. This will go on for months, but what you will notice is that the swings will become less as he gets the picture and understands more about himself and you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By what you read here, do you think he has true, sincere love for me? Love that forgives evething, even an AFFAIR??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah! Myrta, if we were in the same room I would put my arm around you and give you a hug. He HAS forgiven you and it is very clear he loves you deeply. What you are seeing his him struggling with himself, trying to get up from being knocked down; trying to figure out where to put his faith and trust. Trying to understand how he could have failed so badly. Yes, he does feel he failed. This is the point of all of my posts to you. You don’t need to defend, he loves you, that is clear. He is NOT really attacking you, but himself, questioning himself, and he needs the data and input from you to do it.

Myrta, he would not be there if he did not love you deeply. You have truly tested him and pushed him and challenged him in every way, but he is still there. I realize this is a shock to you. You are not alone, many WS’ come to find that their BS, loves and needs them far more than they realized.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband was always there for me. He really guided me thru my teen years, since I was a bit off track. I always really looked up to him, since he seemed so mature. But I always saw him, like someone so much more above me, that I always felt a bit intimidated by him. See, he was in medical school and I was still in high school, so I felt really important dating him, but at the same time, I felt so inferior to him. I always asked myself why he was with me. But here we are today, 30+years after. So I guess it must be LOVE after all!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I guess it really is love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But, Myrta, there is something that I think you don’t realize. Your H needs PROTECTION, he needs your help. I know you use humor to deflect some of the things going on, but be careful. He is just a human being and he can be severely damaged if you are not careful. Joking about other men right now may NOT be a good idea, given how he feels about himself. What I want you to realize and I mean really deep down understand is that you have enormous power in your relationship with your H and you always have. But I fear you have not realized it. You of all people can destroy him, and you have not realized it. That makes you very dangerous. Recognize the power you have and respect it, use it properly (to protect your H and your marriage), use it to heal and make this a better marriage.

Once you start to acknowledge to your H, that are taking responsibility for this power and that you appreciate it, he will feel much safer in this marriage, and so will you.

This is not a power struggle. He gave you this power when he gave you his heart. He realized what he had done, and frankly he wants to do it again. But, this time when you receive this gift appreciate it, use it well, and you will find that your marriage will prosper.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

Thanks once again for posting to Myrta.

I read your post and it very clearly described the state of my mind and soul.

You are right----------- I can hardly find anything unique about my relationship with Myrta. Almost everything special I ever had with Myrta was replicated with the OM and perhaps more.

Yeah-------- I keep asking questions to see if I find anything unique among us.

I have been asking Myrta from day one about where she rested her legs after she finished making love to the OM. Myrta is probably puzzled as to why I want to know something that mundane rather than the details of copulation. But, I don’t want a description of the coitus. That is likely the same in all instances and something I don’t want to know much about. The issue about the leg is that when I go to sleep Myrta will often put her leg around my waist and chest. I always enjoyed this (and it keeps me warm on a cold night). So here I am wandering if this activity that is so special to me was replicated with the OM as they dozed off following intercourse. To the casual observer this may not sound like much. However, I am simply looking for some sort of activity that is special to us.

I guess I am fooling myself and I am grasping for straws.

Stanley,

I understand what you are saying and I know it hurts. You are special to her, of that I am certain, but not in the ways you think or she thinks. That is what I am driving at with Myrta.

She has defined herself here as someone that is sexual. It is actually pretty special, but she then sort of pigeon holes you be only defining the marriage by the sex. She teases you about other men, and you two have used her having sex with another man as a turn on. What she is missing and perhaps you have as well until now, is that this could really only be "special" if you were "special" and she gave that away.

That is not to say that you cannot be "special", but it does mean that her usual way of defining herself and dealing with you MUST change, because what was "special" is not longer that way. This is part of recovery. This is why she needs to open up, and this is why you have been asking so many questions. You are searching for a place that is still "special" and she has not offered to really show you and tell you about that place yet.

If you now go back and look at what I have been telling her all of this time, and what I have been telling you all of this time, it is directed toward this point. She initially needed to change her perspective, or she would NOT see you as special. You needed to change some things to allow her to open up in safety.

Ultimately, when you two have fully recovered you will again see the "specialness" in each other, and you will BOTH know you are "special" to your spouse and WHY.

It is the journey you both are now on. I think it will come, but it will take discussions like this for you two to see each other in new lights.

Must go, but I hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Folks - If you get a chance, could you drop over to aussie's thread, 'not sure if I want to be here'. He is really down, and with good reason.

To JL

JL -> why dont you stop doing what ever you do in your real life (carrer) and start doing marriage and relationship counselling????
So wise and point blank? . JL i am not kidding but really serious about this . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You are making so many people to find happiness and peace in their life. I have completed my second year here and i am yet to see a better poster than you...


To Myrta

I was myself an OM myrta. If you really want to know what is love is --- leave stanley and go and live with your OM. you will find what is true love in a month. Then you will never even doubt your husbands love for a second even in your dreams.

Myrta - can you see what have you done to your husband?. Its equal to rape. You were trying to replace him for the past two years while living with him. So now you are no longer talking to OM means that he has to trust you 100 % and love you. See even after what you did to him , he is still there for you. He has not exposed you , he has not thrown you out even though it is a legitimate reason for divorce.

Can you see his fears?. His insecurity?. Why a man who was so self assured all his life is suddenly feeling so? .I do strongly believe that your H has the strength to live with out you. Be grateful to him that he chose you. Will you do the same if the roles are reversed?

Mytra -- OM has nothing to do with your marriage, he is a snake. low lying scum.
Do you know why you defend him????.
When your H says something derogatively about OM, you also realize that you have slept with him, your mind denies the fact that you can not sleep with people like that.

I was myself an OM myrta, i know my other bad OM side. Your body dictates things then.....
So stop defend him. Accpet and own your shortcomings.
Please be grateful to your H for staying with you.

Listen to JL