Instant Messenger log on my wife's computer contains correspondence with her girlfriend of 17 years (they are both 25). My wife tells her GF in fairly lurid prose she's having an affair with a male friend while visiting her hometown during the summer (I didn't go this year because of work responsibilities).

There's no direct evidence of an affair, save for a single flirtatious SMS message from the guy and several 1- to 4-minute phone calls to him from my wife (she knows him from her school days). All other traditional signs of an alleged affair are either absent or difficult to trace due to its remote location.

When confronted, my wife denied the affair and explained the IM correspondence as pure fantasy world chat between two women. She says she's been asked by the guy to "fake an affair", so that my wife's GF would stop chasing him. When pressed further, my wife stated she'd have no problem not ever seeing the guy, if that's what I wanted.

In all honesty, I really do not sense her withdrawing from me. Sex and affection are pretty much the same as before the alleged affair.

I asked her to take the polygraph test and undergo marital counseling. She already said OK to marital counseling, but hasn't agreed to the polygraph. She's somewhat afraid of all medical devices, and I see how it could be a real fear not linked to the alleged affair itself.

She hasn't given me much grief concerning IM logs, but stated she expects privacy in her personal correspondence. She hasn't tried to hide anything, change passwords or purge logs.

Any suggestions on how to proceed further? I am NOT satisfied with her explanation, but I also exaggerated things about my sexual experience while in college, and so do see the possibility of it being truthful.

All advice will be much appreciated.

We've been married for just over a year.

Hello,

This is just my opinion but I think you are in denial. You caught her and she has come up with this ridiculous story about faking an affair for the sake of her friend. He continued to contact her a couple of times afterward. I am sure she made it clear not to leave any information on emails. If she wishes to contact him for serious talk she would use a phone card.
It just seems so obvious that you busted her and she was desperate to come up with this absurd story. Isn't it interesting that she never told you about this story until she got caught. It does not surprise me she is willing to go to counseling but is fearful of a polygraph test because of a fear of medical devices.
It does not surprise me that she is not in withdrawal because the affair by her own words was purely for a sexual good time. It sounds like she wanted some fun sex and then return to her marriage.
The bottom line it seems to me is that you caught her cheating and she is hoping you will buy this ridiculous story. It sounds like you got played after only one year of marriage. My guess is that she will never take the polygraphy. Ask her to be hypnotize by a medical doctor that specializes in that. My hunch is that she will say no to this also. I wish you luck but it does not sound good.

well of course you have direct evidence, she wrote about it!

Denial is NOT just a river in Egypt 1coolguy. There are issue here in your M.

Is it true?, Bit harder to judge BUT the story she gave you is ridiculous, I mean come off it is she still in high school?????

I do think you have a genuine concern here at the very least, even if there was no actual physical affair then she is certainly in a fantasy about having one and that sounds like a deep EA - emotional affair....just as bad.

Have you contacted OM and his wife/partner???? That could be a good move to try & find out. Confronting the OM or maybe OM could also help you.
I suppose you could try a bluff to get at the truth and say calmly to your wife..I have contacted X's partner and received an answer back about what went on while you were visiting your hometown during the summer.... is there anything you want to say????? But this could backfire isf you have no info yet so you may want to wait until you have doen this.

That she kept it secret is not a good sign at all IMO.

You do need to keep investigating this at the same time as going to MC. Hopefully it is not as serious as you suspect and you both can get past this. Even if it is you CAN work past it if you are both committed. But do read all you can here as well because the advice here is JUST PLAIN GOOD ADVICE for a good marriage anyway.

Any suggestions beyond polygraph and hypnosis?

How would I go about finding the expert for discovering infidelity using hypnosis?

This may not be what you want to hear, but if she is cheating on after only one year of marriage I see little hope. I have been married for 25 years and now getting divorced due to this issue. (see my post "long marriage down the drain". I have discovered that my wife lied to me about things before we were married but was blind to it at the time. If you have no children with her I cannot understand why you would stay.

Hello again,

All you need to do is look under the phonebook under Hypnosis & Hypnotherapy. There are various specialities listed under this heading.
The story she gave you after getting caught writing about Summer affair is simply incredulous and an insult to your intelligence. The fact that she only told you this outlandish story after being caught tells you a great deal also. I feel very sorry for you that this could happen to you after only one year in the marriage. My guess is that she saw this as a sexual fling and that she thought she would never get caught since you were not with her over the Summer. My guess is that she will back away from the polygraph and the hypnosis because she knows she will be busted again by you. I think you need serious marriage conseling. If you do not have trust and honesty in your relationship then what do you really have left? I wish you luck.

ok 1coolguy

lets look at it logically.
ONE
You discover in her own words a detailed account of a sexual fling - because I dont think it is an affair as such with emotional attachments as she was too quick to say she would never contact him again;

TWO
You confront her and she tells you such a ridulious story a 10 yr old would have trouble accepting;

THREE
WHY oh WHY would she so readily agree to marriage counselling UNLESS there are issues in your 1 year old m? For Gods sake there shold ne none right now you should still be in half honeymoon mode!!


Look at all 3 points, now if she was telling you the whole truth she would be absolutly appalled at your suspicions and just so insulted that you demanded MC & I'm damned sure she would let you know about it as well...............I mean wouldn't you if the roles were reversed & you were innocent?
You might agree in the end to MC but wouldn't you make it clear that the issue you wanted discussed was TRUST and her lack of it??

But here, you confront she jumps on your demand of no contact and MC RIGHT AWAY!!!!

Has there been any other discussion since then with your wife?

Does she work at all or have another cell phone? If there is anything going on this would be the place most likely contact would take place, as well as the net.

However, I still think you need to contact the OM direct and confront him with the affair. If you do, dont inform your wife before hand. Unfortunately affair partners will tell any lie and if he was warned then you have no hope of the truth.

It is sad you have to go to such lengths to find the truth but better to know the worst than always be doubting.

However, once this is done, once you are confident as much as you can of the truth, should it be that the affair took place you will then have to consider what you want to do then.

Hi there,


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She says she's been asked by the guy to "fake an affair", so that my wife's GF would stop chasing him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you talked to your wife's GF about this?????
Also, have you talked to this guys wife about this??? (I think this is important!!!)Because this guys wife "should" know what is going on.

Also, do you honestly believe that a man needs a woman to get rid of some other woman that is "chasing him?" I don't believe that, it sounds like "balony"!

bb

<small>[ September 20, 2004, 03:36 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

To BryanP and others suggesting hypnosis for proving infidelity --

I talked to a PhD psychologist today who told me that nobody can be hypnotized unless they want to, and nobody will disclose information under hypnosis unless they want to. Hypnosis is not a "truth serum" and that's why its results are not admissible in court as evidence.

There is no easy way to find this stuff out unless you are lucky.

So stick to asking GF, the OM, the OM's partner if any - her mum my know if the Om has a wife etc.

I would suggest at this point (based on all your evidence) you just ASSUME it happened. She'll probably tell you later on that she was lying when she denied it.

My question for you is: where do you go from here?

I'm with c-dub (for being new c-dub, you're pretty insightful)

Accept it happened, don't expect a confession, now or ever under any circumstances. It's not very likely to happen. ALL WS deny the A unless confronted with UNDENIABLE proof. Your chances of obtaining this are slim to none.

Where do you go from HERE ? All the time you are devoting into finding out MORE, is taking this same time away from the root issues in your M.

There are issues here that need to be dealt with. First off being...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she expects privacy in her personal correspondence </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a loving, trustworthy M, there is no need for private corresondences (there's your red flag). If it's something your unwilling to share with your spouse...is it something you should really be involved with ?

Grab yourself a copy of Surviving An Affair.

my opinion is that she was planning an affair and i bet you'll find that her friend is having an affair as well. best way to find out is through questions about intent. she stated a fantasy, that is what an affair is to women in my opinion only it really happens. who intends to have a mock affair? i hate those types of lies and i have been lied to like that as well. its ridiculous in my opinion

Coolguy:

She's full of sh*t, if you ask me.

Her story is absurd; I think even you can see that. The more ridiculous the story is, the more likely it's crap.

That being said, I don't fault you for wanting to believe that it's true. When confronted with evidence of infidelity, most of us are willing to hold on to almost any explanation that would make it all "not true."

That happened to me. About a year and a half before D-Day, I had put the kids to bed and was using the computer. TBXWW was out. I found links to philanderers.com, and indications of a webmail account she'd set up that I didn't know existed. I felt sick to my stomach, but I stayed up until very late that night until she came home, and confronted her about it.

Her explanation was that she'd set up the webmail account as bait for me, because she thought that I was cheating on HER. I was in university at the time, and she told me that she knew I was in class every day with a bunch of young single women, and therefore was worried about MY fidelity.

This sounded preposterous as I sat there listening. So I told her to look me in the eyes and tell me if she'd ever been unfaithful to me. She looked me in the eyes and lied to my face. But she seemed so indignant, and I didn't want to believe what was staring me in the face, so I swallowed it. A year later, when she was trapped and realized she had to come clean, I learned that she was a serial cheat and that my whole marriage was basically a fraud.

So, I suggest you put a keylogger on your computer and, to mix a metaphor, watch everything she does through a fine-tooth comb. You need more evidence. Her unwillingness to submit to a polygraph is pretty strong evidence.