Stanley,

I realize you are struggling with a lot of things, but I notice that more and more of your posts are about OM and what he did, what he thinks, what kind of man he was, etc. Heck, with all of this worrying about OM I almost would think you are married to him and not Myrta. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would like to sugget to you that the OM is NOT your problem now. What he did or did not do, is not the problem. Your W chose you. She says she loves you. She is starting to see what she has done to you and your marriage. As she posts here her perspective is starting to change. She fears you will leave her or worse that somehow you won't love her.

Stanley, there comes a time in recovery when it is time to listen to your spouse, and work with your spouse to rebuild the trust in the marriage. What is it going to take for her to rebuild trust? Do you know? If you do have the two of you sat down and devised a plan? Have you realized you cannot control her? Do you realize that the only way she can prove she is trustworthy is for you to let her be who she is?

You are one of the lucky ones. Her affair is over as far as anyone can tell, so there is no need to bring OM into many conversations. It gives the OM power over your lives that he does NOT deserve.

It is time to heal. Have you thought about this? What is it you want in the future? How can Myrta provide what you need. You know as well as I that she cannot undo anything, but the two of you can learn from this and it can make your marriage even deeper.

She is learning things about you she did not know, for one that you are more sensitive than she realized. You have as well, one of which is that she can compartmentalize very well. But, you are also learning that she needs things from you as you do from her. So what is your plan to accomplish the both of you getting what you need and enjoying your lives together? What is her plan, but better yet WHAT IS THE PLAN YOU TO HAVE AGREED TO?

It will take weeks/months for all of this to sort out, but start discussing goals, and ways to acheive them, followed by action items that will get you started toward them.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley,

I realize you are struggling with a lot of things, but I notice that more and more of your posts are about OM and what he did, what he thinks, what kind of man he was, etc. Heck, with all of this worrying about OM I almost would think you are married to him and not Myrta.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta is still in withdrawal------- as you said she was in love with OM. I can accept that she wanted to experiment with sex or wanted to feel like an adolescent again. However, she fell very hard for the OM and sadly this is something I fully realized just the other day. Therefore, I am still in shock regarding this sad truth. Myrta said she kept in touch with OM after D-day to let OM go easy, but I believe she was mostly taking care of herself and she was the one who was struggling with the idea of not seeing the OM for the rest of her life. As a result of this withdrawal is alive and well 4.5 months after D-day. I don’t think Myrta did this with malice, she never had plans to get back with OM, however, it has been a struggle for me to know she thinks about this man.

Maybe I expect too much----------- after all I decided to stay married because Myrta assured me on D-day she was dumping the OM ASAP.

To be honest I never expected the OM to keep resurfacing. I told OM to stay away in a courteous manner thinking that he was a gentleman----- I was wrong!

As long as she is in withdrawal I feel it is my duty to show Myrta I am the better man. Sure------------- she has told me I am the better man many times, but nevertheless I feel I was not the better man before D-day. So I struggle with this concept every day. That does not mean I do not worship Myrta---------- she is the love of my life and I will do whatever I need to do to keep her.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley, there comes a time in recovery when it is time to listen to your spouse, and work with your spouse to rebuild the trust in the marriage. What is it going to take for her to rebuild trust? Do you know? If you do have the two of you sat down and devised a plan? Have you realized you cannot control her? Do you realize that the only way she can prove she is trustworthy is for you to let her be who she is?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her actions have been very positive and perhaps her communications with OM are the norm (that is the feeling one gets from the forum). I simply fear that Myrta will not be able to forget the OM in a romantic way and fall again into some kind of affair. I want to prevent that very badly because if she falls for OM again I will have to leave her for good and I don’t want to get to that point. Maybe I sound too pessimistic given her behavior, but I am still in shock with some of the things she did. I am fully convinced that affairs like this are among the most destructive forces in our society. OTOH, I also know there is a very strong Myrta that tells me she will never allow OM back into her life. I want to make clear I don’t fear OM as competition to cause Myrta to leave the marriage. I simply fear the OM could induce Myrta into another affair. In other words, I trust no one at this point.

I guess I will trust when I am fully convinced there is no withdrawal and she is receptive to me without a divided heart.

This is painful to me---- my father taught me to never consider a woman with a divided heart. He also advised me to be faithful, but not to tolerate infidelity. My father also advised me to respect Myrta as she was underage when I met her. Sometimes I feel I am not living up to the standards of my dad whom I consider my number one role model---- my hero.

We don’t have a plan--- we play it by ear.

I cannot control her--------- that is correct. In fact she could have slept with OM again and I would not have known about it. However, my heart tells me Myrta is a noble person with a strong will and a huge heart. I believe she will not do this again, but I have to believe this 100% of the time. Every time there is hesitation I am flooded by doubts.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are one of the lucky ones. Her affair is over as far as anyone can tell, so there is no need to bring OM into many conversations. It gives the OM power over your lives that he does NOT deserve.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OM comes up more often when I talked to other BHs in the board. I guess we love to put OMs down. However, even Myrta brings him up and often makes comparisons which hurt a little bit. Today for example: While talking on the phone I said I was thinking about her all day, almost day-dreaming. Myrta said, gee OM said the same thing. Stuff like that is irritating

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is time to heal. Have you thought about this? What is it you want in the future? How can Myrta provide what you need. You know as well as I that she cannot undo anything, but the two of you can learn from this and it can make your marriage even deeper.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are healing quite nicely, perhaps ahead of schedule. I think Myrta and I sometimes sound too gloomy when we write.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is learning things about you she did not know, for one that you are more sensitive than she realized. You have as well, one of which is that she can compartmentalize very well. But, you are also learning that she needs things from you as you do from her. So what is your plan to accomplish the both of you getting what you need and enjoying your lives together? What is her plan, but better yet WHAT IS THE PLAN YOU TO HAVE AGREED TO?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The ability to lead a double life or compartments is terrifying when I see this from my perspective.

I realize I can give her 100% of her needs of she allows me and gets rid of the divided heart. My plan is to give her lots of attention and to spoil her. I don’t know what is Myrta’s plan. I sometimes think she wants to go back to our old normal routine.

In a way I think we are both waiting for time to go by to heal. We have nothing concrete in the works.

THANKS FOR CARING SO MUCH JL. MYRTA AND I HAVE NOTHING BUT ADMIRATION FOR YOUR VAST KNOWLEDGE!

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

JUST LEARNING!!!
YOU ARE too funny!!! Now you need a "minute with Stanley"? With me you need it a "few moments"!
Thats a good one!
I think you are sweet!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thank you so much for taking the time to try to help us!
What you say is quiete correct, my husband talks more about the OM than anything else. Is kind of obssesive, to say the least.
And like you said, the affair was over in DD!! Even if I broke the rule of NC, the actual affair was over the day it was discovered!
Maybe he will listen to you and stop talking so much about the affair. He needs to , like me, to concentrate in us, now, today, not yesterday, thats gone, past!!!
Yes, what is going to take for him to rebuild the trust bertween us? Thats something that is taking a toll on my mind. I dont like it one bit!
Wel, gotta go now!

MYRTA

Stanley,

I don't know about any VAST KNOWLEDGE, but I have been here awhile. This is tough stuff I am asking you about, but I think you need to sit down and tell Myrta what you see and hear sometimes. Not an attack on OM or even her, but how often YOU associate things with OM, how often you are triggered by something.

You see I would be surprised if at this point Myrta thinks of OM as often as you do. She wants to move on, but she does not realize the triggers, and frankly until YOU OPEN UP to her, and tell her about the triggers and the fears, she cannot help you.

This needs to be done in your best NONE LB way. It needs to be done from deep in your heart and with care. But, you need to talk with her in a way she has never heard you talk. And she needs to be strong enough to hear it and help you.

This will NOT happen over night, but it is part of what needs to be done.

You say you don't have a plan, well it is time you both sat down and laid out a plan for the recovery, for your future, for your happiness. Start now, discuss it, brainstorm, talk about each of your dreams, the pleasures you get out of life, and begin to make a plan. It might include retirement, travel, simple things, whatever, but make a plan. Plans can be changed but the start motion and progress.


Myrta, yes he is obsessing about this. It is normal, but he needs your help and your consideration with the triggers. They will last for awhile, probably a year or so, but their power diminishes if you two will talk about them, discuss them, and figure out ways to address them. Some have gone so far as to "take back" places where the affair occured by going their eating, making love, whatever, and reclaiming these places. It is up to you two.

Finally, Myrta I must correct you, the affair was NOT over until there was NC. At best it was in strategic withdrawal after d-day and up until NC was really established.

I do hope you two do talk and start making some plans. I think it will help you both.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but I think you need to sit down and tell Myrta what you see and hear sometimes.

how often you are triggered by something.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel I am helpless. I am dealing with withdrawal and a divided heart. This is difficult for me even if Myrta says “I choose you”. This is simply a sound decision based on the fact that I can provided the overwhelming majority of the ENs and only fail in the romance ENs which I have to assume she can sacrifice or perhaps expect that I may be able to provide those sometime in the future. Obviously Myrta knows that romance ENs are not enough and that is why she decided to stay with me. She recognizes the importance of the other ENs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You see I would be surprised if at this point Myrta thinks of OM as often as you do. She wants to move on, but she does not realize the triggers, and frankly until YOU OPEN UP to her, and tell her about the triggers and the fears, she cannot help you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She thinks about her past relationship all the time. I can tell by observing her------ she is still in the throes of withdrawal. The OM can still trigger sensations of lust and I cannot compete with that. It s the new versus old romance concept----------The NEW is always much more intense.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Start now, discuss it, brainstorm, talk about each of your dreams, the pleasures you get out of life, and begin to make a plan. It might include retirement, travel, simple things, whatever, but make a plan. Plans can be changed but the start motion and progress.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are not planners---- we tend to play it by ear. We will try, but I bet Myrta does not want much more than what we have. She craves the routine of the old days.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, yes he is obsessing about this. It is normal, but he needs your help and your consideration with the triggers.

Some have gone so far as to "take back" places where the affair occurred by going their eating, making love, whatever, and reclaiming these places. It is up to you two.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The hotel is just two minutes away---------------I drive by the hotel all the time and it is a huge trigger---- I get sad every time. I don’t want to go there as someone may recognize Myrta and wonder who is the new guy. OM always got the same room and he was a regular customer------- so I am sure the employees are familiar with him. I rather not go there at all----------- It would be very depressing.

The important thing is that I grow stronger everyday and my depression is improving. The incredible sadness I had after D-day is lifting very nicely and I think I should be a normal person in a couple of months. To be honest if OM had disappeared from the picture on D-day and there was no withdrawal in Myrta I would be well ahead of the game. Things are looking up and if I do not encounter anything else such as the establishment of contact by Myrta everything will be OK. I am very optimistic and I find that my love for Myrta is strong and healthy. I enjoy her company and adore to just being with her.

Stanley,

I think you may be guilt of a few DJ's yourself. Let's review what you said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I think you need to sit down and tell Myrta what you see and hear sometimes.
how often you are triggered by something.

I feel I am helpless. I am dealing with withdrawal and a divided heart. This is difficult for me even if Myrta says “I choose you”. This is simply a sound decision based on the fact that I can provided the overwhelming majority of the ENs and only fail in the romance ENs which I have to assume she can sacrifice or perhaps expect that I may be able to provide those sometime in the future. Obviously Myrta knows that romance ENs are not enough and that is why she decided to stay with me. She recognizes the importance of the other ENs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley this is YOUR thinking, not necessarily hers. Yes,she may be in withdrawal still but it is fading. That much is clear and yes she chose you for a number of reasons but my bet is that they were far more complicated than you had the biggest bank account. You say you meet all of her other EN's except romance. Do you know what her EN's are? Have the two of you taken the EN questionaire out and filled it out? You might find that the EN's that you know you fill are her most important ones.

It is possible that this affair was recreation for Myrta, and thus something for you two to consider. A lot of things are possible Stanley, but you two need to be talking about this. Don't guess do the questionaire and figure it out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> quote:You see I would be surprised if at this point Myrta thinks of OM as often as you do. She wants to move on, but she does not realize the triggers, and frankly until YOU OPEN UP to her, and tell her about the triggers and the fears, she cannot help you.

She thinks about her past relationship all the time. I can tell by observing her------ she is still in the throes of withdrawal. The OM can still trigger sensations of lust and I cannot compete with that. It s the new versus old romance concept----------The NEW is always much more intense.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, let's get a few things straight here. You don't know how often she thinks about the relationship and when she does if the thoughts are good or of remorse for doing what she did. You cannot tell the difference unless you are psychic. Further, YOU have sold yourself on the NEW love nonsense. She has not told you that.

For your information the NEW love was 2 years old. Her almost losing you is only 5 months old. Now which emotion do you think is the strongest? I suspect it is the later because she loses the "history" of almost her whole life if you leave. Further, if you think your marriage lacked romance, then change that and do it because you want to. You don't have to compete with OM Stanley, you have to compete with the past standards of your marriage. You can make the marriage better.

Now I understand there is sort of an irony here. She cheats, hurts you in the worst way, and YOU are the one that has to make changes to make the marriage more enjoyable for HER. Doesn't seem fair does it? But as you know it is not quite that simple. If you make the marriage better for her, you are or should be making it better for yourself as well. Further, you are showing her how to do it, so that she will also change.

Yes, she needs to do some work. More than she seems to realize now but whether she does it or not, you need to do what you know will help. If in the end she is not on board with the marriage, then you have options. But, Stanley you cannot tell what the future will bring so make the changes for yourself and your marriage. You just might end up as her HERO.

You two have a considerable way to go. In time at least 6 more months and likely a year and 1/2. Do the right things now, and you will find that the recovery will be better for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> quote:Start now, discuss it, brainstorm, talk about each of your dreams, the pleasures you get out of life, and begin to make a plan. It might include retirement, travel, simple things, whatever, but make a plan. Plans can be changed but the start motion and progress.

We are not planners---- we tend to play it by ear. We will try, but I bet Myrta does not want much more than what we have. She craves the routine of the old days.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So which is it Stanley, she craves the romance you beleive you cannot give her because your marriage is old, or is it she craves the routine of the old days and actually likes it? Do you see the inconsistency here? Do you know why there is an inconsistency? It is because this stuff is not logical and you are trying to apply logic as you see it. MAKE A PLAN WITH YOUR W. Do it whether or not you used to do it, and begin to rebuild this marriage.

The process of making the plan will reveal to both of you what is really needed and then you can address it. Sweeping it under the rug by saying I want the "old Myrta" or her saying I want the "old marriage" is NOT going to get it. The old marriage has been severely damaged and needs to be made into a NEW marriage. Time to get to work Stanley no excuses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> quote:Myrta, yes he is obsessing about this. It is normal, but he needs your help and your consideration with the triggers.

Some have gone so far as to "take back" places where the affair occurred by going their eating, making love, whatever, and reclaiming these places. It is up to you two.

The hotel is just two minutes away---------------I drive by the hotel all the time and it is a huge trigger---- I get sad every time. I don’t want to go there as someone may recognize Myrta and wonder who is the new guy. OM always got the same room and he was a regular customer------- so I am sure the employees are familiar with him. I rather not go there at all----------- It would be very depressing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello, you want them to wonder who is the NEW GUY. That would be you, and you do intend to be THE GUY don't you. Go take that hotel back, do it in the elevator or the stair wells if you have to, but take it back if it is part of your everyday life. I am sure she will be remembered, she sounds as if she is a stunning woman, but what you want remembered is that you walked into that place with your W with a purpose and that purpose was to reclaim it. No need to wimp out on this Stanley, take the darned thing back so when you drive by it afterwards YOU will know that you took control of it and the memories associated with this. It is a macho act, but I suspect it is one you need to take. If for NO other reason it is an ACTION that you can do and control. Think about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The important thing is that I grow stronger everyday and my depression is improving. The incredible sadness I had after D-day is lifting very nicely and I think I should be a normal person in a couple of months. To be honest if OM had disappeared from the picture on D-day and there was no withdrawal in Myrta I would be well ahead of the game. Things are looking up and if I do not encounter anything else such as the establishment of contact by Myrta everything will be OK. I am very optimistic and I find that my love for Myrta is strong and healthy. I enjoy her company and adore to just being with her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is good to hear this Stanley, and I think your faith will be rewarded. But you said "if OM had disappeared...." and I will respond, "if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump it's butt when it jumped". No need for the If's here. This is how it is, this is how you have to play it.

To quote an old Scottish pro I met when I was young. "Hit the ball laddie, the longer you look at it the worse it looks." You have to play it as it lies, so step up and give it a whack. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

Stanlye, maybe you have addressed this in another post, and if so, I apologize.

But...could you tell me a bit about how you decided to stay with your wife?

Just from the bit I've read, I assume that children are not an issue, and that you are sticking this out - and trying to make it work - for your reasons.

I'd like to hear about that decsion-making process, if you wouldn't mind sharing some of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley,
I think you may be guilt of a few DJ's yourself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I did, somehow what I wrote did not flow too well.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley this is YOUR thinking, not necessarily hers. Yes, she may be in withdrawal still but it is fading. That much is clear and yes she chose you for a number of reasons but my bet is that they were far more complicated than you had the biggest bank account. You say you meet all of her other EN's except romance. Do you know what her EN's are? Have the two of you taken the EN questionnaire out and filled it out? You might find that the EN's that you know you fill are her most important ones. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She made the decision instantly. I came up the bedroom and told her “I know everything------ our marriage is over”. She said, “you must forgive me, it was a huge mistake, I want don’t want a divorce”. There was no hesitation. I even begged her to leave with the OM, but she was resolute. Maybe Myrta can open her heart and post why there was no hesitation. She is not materialistic; it cannot be the bank account.

After she said------ we have been together too long and you are the father of my kids. She also implied or perhaps it was me that OM would never be acceptable to our children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is possible that this affair was recreation for Myrta, and thus something for you two to consider. A lot of things are possible Stanley, but you two need to be talking about this. Don't guess do the questionnaire and figure it out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have not looked at the questionnaire. However, I bet you I will score Myrta very high in everything

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, let's get a few things straight here. You don't know how often she thinks about the relationship and when she does if the thoughts are good or of remorse for doing what she did. You cannot tell the difference unless you are psychic. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hopefully Myrta can speak to this if she posts. I find our communication thru the board has a different ring to it than when we are in front of each other. Maybe Myrta can really spill her guts on this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Further, YOU have sold yourself on the NEW love nonsense. She has not told you that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Correct! The term new love and all its frenzy is something I came up with to rationalize her lust. Again, Myrta can clarify this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For your information the NEW love was 2 years old. Her almost losing you is only 5 months old. Now which emotion do you think is the strongest? I suspect it is the later because she loses the "history" of almost her whole life if you leave. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent point, maybe that is why she never hesitated about leaving the OM----- it seemed like a no brainier to her. Myrta can you expand?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Further, if you think your marriage lacked romance, then change that and do it because you want to. You don't have to compete with OM Stanley, you have to compete with the past standards of your marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said before the romance was decent for a 30-year-old marriage, but it did not have the lust of a brand new relationship. I suspect Myrta wanted that lust.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can make the marriage better.
Now I understand there is sort of an irony here. She cheats, hurts you in the worst way, and YOU are the one that has to make changes to make the marriage more enjoyable for HER. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am more than willing, but she is not fully receptive yet. I believe she spoke about this issue today.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You two have a considerable way to go. In time at least 6 more months and likely a year and 1/2. Do the right things now, and you will find that the recovery will be better for you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want this very badly and hopefully Myrta and I will communicate better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So which is it Stanley, she craves the romance you believe you cannot give her because your marriage is old, or is it she craves the routine of the old days and actually likes it? Do you see the inconsistency here? Do you know why there is an inconsistency? It is because this stuff is not logical and you are trying to apply logic as you see it. MAKE A PLAN WITH YOUR W. Do it whether or not you used to do it, and begin to rebuild this marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was quoting words from a post of Myrta. She said she wanted the old marriage back. Maybe she can expand on this issue.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The old marriage has been severely damaged and needs to be made into a NEW marriage. Time to get to work Stanley no excuses. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, but Myrta may be scared of the new marriage. I am also scared when I think about the Myrta I don’t know. She can see the fear in my face.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello, you want them to wonder who is the NEW GUY. That would be you, and you do intend to be THE GUY don't you. Go take that hotel back, do it in the elevator or the stair wells if you have to, but take it back if it is part of your everyday life. I am sure she will be remembered, she sounds as if she is a stunning woman, but what you want remembered is that you walked into that place with your W with a purpose and that purpose was to reclaim it. No need to wimp out on this Stanley, take the darned thing back so when you drive by it afterwards YOU will know that you took control of it and the memories associated with this. It is a macho act, but I suspect it is one you need to take. If for NO other reason it is an ACTION that you can do and control. Think about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would be creepy for me to go there. I don’t know about this one JL. Maybe Myrta can expand on this one. I would certainly love to get rid of that trigger.

Thanks for your input----- it is very helpful

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stanley, maybe you have addressed this in another post, and if so, I apologize.
But...could you tell me a bit about how you decided to stay with your wife?
Just from the bit I've read, I assume that children are not an issue, and that you are sticking this out - and trying to make it work - for your reasons.
I'd like to hear about that decision-making process, if you wouldn't mind sharing some of it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Andrew:


I have been married for more than 30 years and I have known my wife since she was practically a kid. It is hard to throw that out the window. She had a two year affair (EA 1st year, PA 2nd year). She was in love with OM. I have five children (4/5 over 20, 1/5 is 12).

Despite the greatest humiliation a man can endure I decided to stay because I didn’t want to lose everything I had with my family. I did not want a new relationship with another woman at age 53. Men in our age bracket have few options--------- most women in our age group are starting to look like our mothers. My wife looks like a teenager and she is a spectacular wife despite of what she did. I also love her and would rather stay than to try elsewhere. My children would be DEVASTATED despite the fact that they are grown. My kids think that our marriage is the most perfect one in the planet. If we split they would suffer a great deal-- even my oldest son (age 29).

I also believe my wife simply lost her marbles on this one. I am not sure how she got there, but she initially fell in love thru the Internet. She was a brand new computer user and had no concept about how susceptible folks can fall in love thru email and IM. She was in her late 40s and I guess wanted to relive her teen years, she wanted brand new romance. I don’t think out marriage was bad, but as a long-term husband I could not supply brand new romance. So in a sense I failed in that department.

My wife was also highly cooperative and dumped the OM on the spot. She has tried hard to keep the marriage going. She was highly motivated------- I guess that helps.

If I had been young with no kids I might have left her, but in the end what really matters is whether you love your wife or not. There is no point in dumping your wife and to find another woman who is going to give you half of what your wife could give you.

The only regret about staying is that now the marriage is contaminated by OM and the innocence is gone. Now you face the stark reality that your wife thought another guy was good enough that she wanted to copulate with him. This is a big hurt to our egos--- don’t you think?

You must also look at your wife and see why she did it. It may very well be low self-esteem and in this instance she may have done this to whoever was the husband--- not you in particular. So if you stay---------- you are actually rescuing her form her own mistakes and showing that you are an honorable person.

Stanley,

I've come to the conclusion that the Internet is one of the most pernicious uses of technology that has been developed in a long, long time - mainly because it provides a retreat for people who should be facing their problems more directly.

Intenret chat rooms, in my view, are stokced largely with two kinds of people: "neglected" wives and "misunderstood" husbands.

It's a haven for the serial OM.

My wife and I long ago developed a standing rule: no chatting, period.

Myrta:

In his last post in this thread JL made some questions about you. I did noot have a good answer and perhaps you can reply or expand. Please see my next to last post.