I am slowly but surely losing my self control. If he is staying with her doesn't that hurt what I am trying to do? I mean doesn't theat bring them closer? I get afraid that I will completely lose him. I want to call him so bad right now. keep getting hang up phone calls and my son got one at home right before I did. Was the message on my machine a good sign? I don't know how to take that. well I will have to go for now am feeling alot of anxiety. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I was very poor at plan B. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

I remember hovering at the phone waiting for her to call. Dialing the number then hanging up. Running through my head, coming up with really good reasons to call. So I have been there. Honestly they only way I could deal with it was to stay busy, vacuuming a living room 10 times a night is not excesive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Get out and take the kids to the movies, visit a relative, go get some ice cream and eat until you are a size of a beach ball. In other words get busy, now you have the time to learn Swahili like you have always wanted to. I'm sorry I tend to try to make jokes to lighten the mode and it is sometimes a bad thing.

You are right as long as he is sleeping at her place, if he even is, marriage building can not really happen. If the only option is for him to move back then so be it, but he MUST promise that his time is 100% transparent for as long as you need it and a no contact letter is sent, him saying he told her is not good enough any more. Though if there is anyway for him to live with someone else while you two build up your marriage and start dating again that is the prefered method.

My wife moved straight back with out any of this since there was no where else for her to go, family was 2 hours away and financially we could not handle that. So I understand every situation is unique.

Hi Listener, I couldn't take it anymore so I called his cell and left a message telling him that since this is what he chose I would be calling the lawyer in the morning(today) to get things started. Well when I went out to my car this morning to go to work there was a rose on the windshield and I also had a message on my phone at work. So I called him and thanked him for the flower and asked what he wanted. He asked me what wanted him to say..I told him that I already told him what I wanted. And told him I wanted him to say what was in his heart he said he was emotionless and that he felt nothing...I asked if this was towards everyine including her...his response was I feel nothing.

I then told him that maybe he needed to go and talk to someone. That he always kept these things inside and then something like this happens. I told him that it was now or never where we are concerned I told him what I expected if he chose to try and also told him he has until the end of the week to let me know. Then I just told him I had to get to work and said bye. I hope that I did the right thing but there is slot more involved here then just the three of us now. I could lose my house which means the kids lose their home and everything else along with it not to mention what the kids are going through because of all this. Let me know what you think. Thanks for everything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Listener...one more question..should I inform the ow about the contact from my husband? Just wondering if I should let her know. I am reluctant because she probably won't believe me but if I at least put it out there maybe it will make her think a bit. Thanks for your help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope you are serious about the divorce, because using it as a threat rarely works to snap the other person out of the fog, they usually assume they are doing the right thing, got to love twisted logic. But I am glad to see you are taking the neccesary steps to protect yourself and your kids.

Him being emotionless is a good sign. More accuratly is emotions are conflicting with each other and he is scared to face them. You are right it would be great if he could talk with someone to help him work through all these emotions. You did the right thing by restating what you needed from him to move back home. What are you doing to help make sure this does not happen again? How are you making the home a safe place for him to be? It does take two people to miss up a marriage, unless there is an addiction envolved(sp?).

Other than being a 6 year old during a divorce I have no experience with it. Sorry since I cannot relate I am not sure what you should do. The opptimist in me says to hold off and simply gather information from the lawyer in case you need to go through with it.

If there was a boyfriend or husband on OW part I would deffiently tell them about the relationship. About telling the OW herself I am not sure if you would gain anything.

You said October 17
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes I have decided what I want after spending 17 yrs. with this man my heart is broken, yes but I want to save my marriage. I still love him with everything I am and I am having a very hard time with all of this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this still true? If true tell the OW if not why bother? The fastest way to kill an affair is to make it public, a newspaper may be to far though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Listener...first instead of leaving me a message on my phone he waited and called when I would answer. He talked to me this time and told me to have a nice day. i told him you too and hung up. Then I decided that the longer he stays with her(if he is with her, I don't know that for sure) I think the harder it will be for him to leave there. So I called him and asked him if we could meet somewhere other than the house and talk about what it is we are going to do since it seems obvious that he has made his choice. He didn't answer so I asked him point blank "you have no plans of coming home right" he said "I didn't say that" so he is supposed to call me later and set up a time and place to meet. I don't want to do it at the house #1 because of the kids and #2 because I have trouble resisting certain things where he is concerned and I really don't think that is a good idea at this point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
But I think that this is a good sign..at least I hope so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

How are you doing?

Hi Listener...He came home...but I don't think that it is over between him and the other woman. I totally had a meltdown the other day and packed my stuff. He asked what I was doing and I told him since it was apparent that he could not follow my wishes that I felt it was time for me to go. I told him that I neede to be happy that I could no longer take any more of the situation. He asked what I meant. And I reminded him that the agreement before he came home was for him to cut it off with her. I told him that I couldn't stay if that wasn't going to happen. He grabbed me and wouldn't let go and told me that I didn't have to go anywhere. That is the first time since I first found out 4 months ago that he has had that kind of emotional contact with me. I just cried and cried. yesterday was another emotional day. He went out to the store to get smokes...which he was back in 5 minutes but he took the damn cell phone with him. Which is a big part of this whole mess.

I told him the cell phone bothers me . He asked me if I wnated him to leave it with me...I was shocked and didn't quite no what to say...I told him that I didn't want to take all of his privacy away and I didn't think that would solve anything...I told him I just wanted to spend the rest of the day with him and forget about all this for a while. I think that our relationship has spent to much time on this and that we haven't spent enough time just beng together. So we did and ended up having a nice evening.
I just don't know where to go from here. I found a letter in his things from her asking him to please pick her. So I know that I still have a very good chance at making my marriage work. Especially since he left there and came home. What do you think? How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while? I hope that everything is ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Take care and let me know what you think.

I just found out last Monday about the ow.He worked with her and I believe this started 2 yrs ago. He emotionally withdrew from me after his Mother died. He says it was only emotional-but lied about the e-mails I found on his hidden e-mail account. He is working with me and reading Marriage Builders also. He says he loves me and I have been the only one for 21yrs.There was another ow over this summer which he denies,and I ended that before it could get started-went to the store she works at. That was enough-I know he lies and am asking for proof of where he is daily -the first woman lives in the area he works in and he is on the road all day. I called her and spoke with her.She is married and does not want her H to find out- I want to call him. But have not-I feel why should I be the only one to feel this bad - and why should I protect her??I want to believe him and really love him how do I get past this.

Hi Realtor... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I really wish that I could help you. I have been in this situation for about 4 months. And I love my husband so much it hurts! Still after everything. I can completely understand where you are coming from! I would just have to say to you that if you really love your husband and he continues to stay with you then you will have to decide whether or not you can take all the pressure of the trust thing.

I am having a really hard time with that. One minute my husband loves me and the next he doesn't. I kicked him out about two weeks ago. He ended up with the other woman at her place and when I told him I was filing for a divorce he started leaving messages on my phone at work and putting roses on my car. So we met and talked and I told him the only way he could come home is if he gets rid of her. Well at 4:00 in the morning he came home...thought all was going to be ok then he was on the computer and she instant messaged him.
Told him I was leaving...and he said he didn't want that. So I don't know what or how to believe him anymore. So I can truly relate to you. Just keep reading on this post and trying to follow what they say. It helps alot. We have been married for 17 yrs. and we have 3 children together. So I know that is why I am having such a hard time...letting go. But something has got to give soon because I don't know about you but I am starting to get depressed. Especially with Christmas coming and all. Hang in there if you truly love your husband and want this to work. I truly love mine and I know now after he was actually living with her and he came home that he still loves me just don't knowhow to get her out of our lives for good. You know this may sound stupid but I actually feel bad for my husband because I know he has a heart and I know he just doesn't want to hurt her. I know that you all probably want to hit me. But that is the way I feel. Take care and let me know how you are doing.

sweet39,
I have only posted 2 times, but I have been reading your post, and your story sounds similar to mine, the only thing is that we are not married but will be together 10 years on Dec 16th. I have trouble putting down in words everything that I am going through, all I know that it hurts so bad. I wish we could talk.

realtor,
Sorry you have found yourself here. With the little information you gave us I would still tell the OW husband if you have concrete proof of anything. Also may I suggest that you start your own thread so you do not get lost in this one.

want2blousgirl,
Even with out being married you can learn alot from the wonderful people on this board. I know what you mean about not knowing what to write. Just simply start writing no matter what direction it goes. Then the people on this board will start asking questions and beable to help if they can.

sweets39,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I truly love mine and I know now after he was actually living with her and he came home that he still loves me .....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is great news. I been wanting to hear where your heart is. You should not goto plan B until you feel this love dieing like I had to deal with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He asked me if I wnated him to leave it with me...I was shocked and didn't quite no what to say...I told him that I didn't want to take all of his privacy away and I didn't think that would solve anything... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TAKE THE PHONE FROM HIM! I am not being sarcastic! He has an addiction. While you are at it can you get rid of the internet connection for a few months. If someone is addicted to drugs do you expect them to get over it themselves with out some help? No of course not this is no different. If you need to set up a time limit you need to "baby sit" him, 3-4 months should do it, I got lucky and my wife was able to let go cold turkey after she agreed with the decision.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So we did and ended up having a nice evening </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I found a letter in his things from her asking him to please pick her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some people on this web site have had a small party/ritual were they burned everything from that time period. Any chance of doing this with him? There was nothing for me to burn so I never got the chance <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Especially with Christmas coming and all </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((((sweets39))))))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know this may sound stupid but I actually feel bad for my husband because I know he has a heart and I know he just doesn't want to hurt her. I know that you all probably want to hit me. But that is the way I feel. Take care and let me know how you are doing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't feel bad about how you feel. I know I cannot say you should not feel bad for your husband since I felt they way same way about my wife. It was such the oppisite of how she would normally act. Hang in there he came home so there is a lite at the end of the tunnel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What do you think? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did I write enough or should I form some more opinions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Life is good but busy. At work I am on a project that was due a few months ago. But I am now just getting all the parts I need to finish my part and I am the last in line. Lucky me! But I will be going back to WI to visit family next week and will spend a few days in the Dells acting like a kid, it will feel so good. My wife and I are having fun right now since she has decided to find a job that has more days then nights since it is starting to take toll on us, but mainly her.

Thanks so much for all your help....I don't know how I would get through this if it hadn't of been for you. Things seem to be getting better...he actually cares about how I feel now. I told him I didn't like him being on the computer so much and he got off. I guess I am trying to take things slow and not act like I am demanding things. As for your job hang in there I am sure that you wil get your part done. But I know what you mean I have to be at work and do not feel like working...but at least it keeps me busy. I just want to get back to trying to be normal. If you have any more opinions let me know. Thanks and have a great day!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

want2blousgirl
Junior Member
Member # 38500

posted November 29, 2004 05:18 PM
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sweet39,
I have only posted 2 times, but I have been reading your post, and your story sounds similar to mine, the only thing is that we are not married but will be together 10 years on Dec 16th. I have trouble putting down in words everything that I am going through, all I know that it hurts so bad. I wish we could talk.
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Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2004 | IP: Logged | Hi Wantoblousegirl, I am sorry to hear that you are in the same situation I am. I am still there some what...so I am still trying to save my
marriage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If you continue to write to me I will try and listen and help you in any way that I can. But like I said I am new at this too and I am still trying to save my marriage. Hang in there and if you have any questions let me know. In the mean time you might want to check out all the info on this site that you can it really helps!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> take care..and let me know if I can do anything.

Sounds like things are getting better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Have you been able to talk yet how to prevent this in the future, it may be to early for though. How are you doing for working on your own stuff?

Will just mainly stoped by to say I will be on vacation for the next week. I hope you have an excellent week.