Wife told me on May 19 that she found her soul mate and has spent the last six months attempting to leave for the other man. She finally felt he was no longer waivering and moved out with our daughter two thursdays ago. She continues to want to talk to me and calls this a trial seperation for her to get her thoughts togeather. She calls twice a day and when I do not respond, stops by or uses my stepdaughter as a premise to see me. I told her nicely that we should not continue to see each other or speak last Saturday, but she just called to chat--disguiesed as routine daily issues. I don't want to stop talking to her, but everything I have read says to stop supporting her emotional need while she persues another realtionship? thoughts

ChrisandKit - I'm afraid there is just not enough information about your situation to make much in the way of advice or comments.

Perhaps if you could fill in the "history" and the details of your marriage, ages, beliefs, the affair, etc., it would be easier to offer something that might help you.

God bless.

I have a question. Did she move in with the OM?

C

Chris,
More questions for ya <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The daughter you mentioned. Is she from your marriage or a stepdaughter? You referred to the child both ways in your post.

Are there any other children?

Have you or your wife been married before?

How long have you been married?

Please fill us in. Don't worry, we don't bite. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You should remove your last name from your signature line.

O.K. here goes. My wife and I were both married prior and our 9 year daughter is from my wife's first marriage. Her ex-husband is currently re-married and he and I get along well. My wife is remarried and we do not see each other. My wife and I met shortly after she separated from her husband. I actually tried to convience her to return for her daughters sake. I spoke with her ex-husband and gave him tips to work on his marriage based on my wifes feedback to me. My wife divorced her husband and she and I dated 2 1/2 years prior to getting married. We will be married 4 years this November. I, like her ex-husband are both majors in the military. Last year was quite busy, we built a very large home and she started a new career, I left for Iraq in October and returned prior to x-mas. Upon returning we began to try and get pregnant. In February of this year, she and I finally went on our honey moon. On May 19, my wife informed me she no longer wanted to have a baby and had already contacted the OB. One week later she said she was in-love with another man and was going to move in with him and our daughter. This man was going to leave his wife of 12 years and dying child. His daughter just passed about three weeks ago. He and my wife are vice presidents in a small telecom business. After I try to get her fired and got the family envolved to help me stop her from taking our daughter into this type of condition, she stayed in the home, but mentioned leaving very frequently. She did not leave due to this man's inability to leave his wife and child. He continues to tell my wife he loves her and has an appartment --although he has never spent the night there. Four weeks ago his wife attempted suicide and he had her commited for 10 days. After she was released she attempted again within another week and was committed. Shortly after she was released his daughter passed away. It was at this time, my wife became unreachable emotionally and said she had to be there for him. She moved into an appartment 5 minutes away. He has contacted her twice in two weeks and briefly. My wife continues to call me and want to see me on weekends. I told her not to call and that I needed to move forward, but did not want a divorce. Today I copied the plan B letter from the Surviving an affair and e-mailed her. I hope I have done the right thing. Chris

Chris,

It sounds like your wife is in a deep fog. OM was willing to leave his wife with a dying child while he ran off with another woman. He then left a suicidal wife who had not only lost her child but her husband without a second thought. What kind of a man could do that to another human being? Your wife feels she has to console this man? He is not a stand up guy, so the only answer could be fog.

In time she will see him for the selfish, heartless jerk that he is. Hopefully, it is before she has destroyed her life.

Cathy

Thanks Cathy for responding. Ihave battled with several family members and friends that have come forward with the idea she might be bi-polar. I find it difficult to not talk to her, I think she is very confused. Well, actually she says she is very confused! She says she still loves me and that this is a 30-60 day trial separation. Hard to believe. I feel like I am just waiting for this guy to either leave his wife or stay. He also has a healthy 7 year old daughter. I have spent several hours with him and his family on a trail to NY City and back in April of this year. He admits he has not been a good husband. He also tells my wife the reason he could not leave his family prior to this was the conviction of his father passing when he was quite young and how he want to be there for his children. I think he too is really confused. I have spoke with his wife, and unfortuantly she always has been an emotional mess --very ill child 9 years old, just passed and childhood workaholic husband. I keep praying that he will make the right decisions for his marriage and let my wife do some serious thinking.

Chris,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He also has a healthy 7 year old daughter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I question that fact that she can stay healthy. She just lost her sister, her Mom is suicidal and her Dad is not there for her because his mind in on own selfish wants. What is this little girl going to learn about family and trust?

Everyone thinks that it is possible to keep your children safe and healthy while affairs are carried out. But children don't have to see to know. They feel things and they just know. They may not be able to put it in words but they understand the emotions that lay underneath. They know when their father is not there and they know that things are not okay with their Mom.

I am sure that your wife is very confused otherwise she would not expect you to let her have her fling and then let her come back in 30-60 days like nothing has happened. That is just not logical, is it?

You, as the BS, may never be the same after this either. I am nearly 2 years past d-day and I can honestly tell you that I am not the same person I was before the affair. I can't take things at face value, when my husband tells me he loves me, part of me can't (not won't) believe it. Even if your wife comes back, she is going to have a different marriage and a different husband. She needs to understand that.

Be good to yourself, try to maintain your self-esteem, exercise, eat healthy and say your prayers.

Cathy

I am starting to pray a little more, been difficult. My first divorce was very hard on me. I truly can't beleive this has happened again!! I have seeen our daughter a few times, she seems distant but still loves me deeply. she ws 2 1/2 when I meet my wife and have been in her life since. She says she is fine, but I know this is horrible for her. I wish my wife could see what she is doing. Truly like a fog, no real sense of others feelings these days. Says they are soul mates, so glad I have read quite a bit, or I might take it personal. So you and your husband worked things out?

Chris,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So you and your husband worked things out?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. On some level he and I have the relationship that we always should have had. You know the relationship that you always hoped for but never really mastered?

He say that he will never under any circumstances have an affair again. He says that he knows what he wants and he had learned to deal with his problems directly rather than stuffing them away until everything explodes.
He had seen the devestation that his actions caused and I think it hurts him to think of the harm that he has caused.

I am still dealing with the emotional devestation that his affair caused me. It is getting easier with time but like I said before, part of me died and has never come back. I want to believe that he feels for me what he says he does but it is very scary.

My husband has been the model WH, he maintained NC, lived like an open book, changed to become a more loving and affectionate husband, we became best friends again and he would rather be with me and our kids than anywhere else. The guy that had been around for years (the hateful, grouchy, cold one) has not been seen for almost two years. He has been talking the talk and walking the walk. That is all I can hope for, isn't it?

You need to try and figure out what happened to your marriage, accept responsibility for your part (it is hard to do that) and try and fix what was wrong. If your wife comes back, she needs to do the same thing. Try to start over with a new beginning and try to get it right this time. No contact will be vital for recovery. My husband tried to just talk on the phone and be friends with OW for a few weeks. It didn't work, it ended up causing even more pain for our marriage and actually set back recovery way beyond where we started.

I hope your wife will be able to come around and that you two will be able to rebuilt a great marriage. Sometimes, a Affair can scare the offending partner and change them. I think that we are an example of that.

Good luck, Chris

Cathy