Here is my story. On Valentines Day 2004 I married the love of my life. We always said we were soulmates to each other and has never met somebody we loved so much. We had our share of problems, but everything seemed to be going good. My wife became pregnant and we had discussed abortoin due to the timing of the pregnancy and our financial position. We decided to keep it and do the best we could. I was really starting to get excited for our new arrival, til last week 10-23-04. My WW had confessed to me that she had a one night stand during a period of time in which I was in the hospital for a chronic condition I have. She has had two ultrasounds since becoming pregnant and both show that the conception date was during the time I was hospitalized so we are really sure that there is no chance the baby is mine. Here is where it gets really ugly. The ONS she had was with a man of a different race than I am. I am in such a special kind of hell here. I have talked to my WW and told her that I could forgive her and work toward a "R" but could not raise the baby as my own. She has said that there is NO way she would consider putting the baby up for adoption. So we are both just hanging on waiting for the other to change thier mind. I just don't think I could possibly pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and pride and raise a baby of a different race. I so wish there were other options for us because we both say we dont want, nor know how to, let go and move on. She say's that if I loved her enough we could get past this and be a family. I say if she loved me enough we wouldn't be in this position. but, none-the-less we are here. I am wrong to want her to give the baby up for adoption and let us move on? OH GOD! please help me.

Although I didn't get my D in the same circumstance you did, my D is of a different race than I. I have been there for here since before she was 2 years old. I am daddy in every possible way to her.

I can tell you that the racial difference is really what YOU make of it. If it's a big deal for you, it's your problem, quite frankly.

I feel horrible for you and your circumstance, but the child is the innocent one here and deserves their mother, IMO. You have an opportunity to step up, be selfless, and be a h3ll of a man on this one - be a daddy and set an example for others.

My $.02 because you asked.

Good luck and God's blessings be with you.

Shell, I want to ask a question, but can tthink of how to put it, so bear with me.

Why is the race an issue? Is it because if it was same race you might be able to pass it off as your child?

I have to agree with spamalope. The baby won't care if you're purple if you love them. Why should you care what colour the baby is? Love knows no colour.

Could she list the other man as the father on the birth cert and then you ADOPT the baby as your own?

C

I can understand your pain. And getting pregant with OM's baby has got to be on tough pill to swallow. But hey look, I am going to be up front with you. You would bring this baby in the world if he/she was the same race as you even though it is the OM's right? That baby has a heart, that baby has a brain. And that baby will learn only what is taught to him. You should not let the race of this baby bother you. What the heck is wrong with people and a race? We are all the same on the inside! We come from different cultures and that is what makes the world go round. Think if we were all the same. How boring would that be? That is like looking at the same old bird, flower, fish etc. There are people adopting babies of a different race so they can enjoy the love of what a child has to bring. They want a child no matter what the color of their skin or shape of their eyes!!
But what fears me is this baby is going to be treated horrible which he/she does not deserve because he/she did not have a choice to be brought into this world. If you love your wife and it seems that you want to work the A. out, then you have got to come terms that this baby is a big part of her. And as a mother, I know what it is like to bond with an unborn child. What she did was a very selfish deed, no arguements there. But there is a life that comes first. And you have to understand it. I really understand that you are upset that she did what she did. I am not reading that you are upset about her ONS. It is more about the race of this baby. In away, I hope she does decide to give up this baby up so a couple who can't have a child will love this baby UNCONDITIONALLY. Think with your heart and not out of poor judgement!

Good luck to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And my heart goes out for that unborn child.

Ali~

By the way, "Oh God please help"? If God were to answer he would tell to love.
Ali~

How he feels is how he feels. And his concern is because indeed, when people see this child, they will see the mark of his wife's betrayal. Should it make a difference? No, but does it? To him, yes. Let's not get into this guys brain and tell him how to feel. We damn him with "well, we're sorry about you're wife betraying you, but you shouldn't feel that way about the child." It's how he feels. Can someone help him out here, how does he get over this? It isn't just how he feels about the child, it's about the fact that due to the race, he would be confronted by this in front of his neighbors, friends, family, constantly. If he cannot feel like he can be a father to this child, it would be unfair to the child to keep it. I understand that his wife wants to keep the child, she seems unwilling to negotiate giving it up for adoption though they had initially talked about abortion. So he has to decide from his limited options. Can he make room in his heart for this child or not?
I would suggest you open a post (if you haven't already) in the Pregnancy/Child board. You will get some excellent advice there!

Hello,

I think a major point here is that you were married in February of this year and she already cheated on you and got pregnant while you were in the hospital. She cheated on you during your first months of marriage. She cheated on you while you were in the hospital. She cheated on you and didn't even bother to protect your health from a STD. Why did she marry you in the first place? Why did she cheat on you as a newlywed?
There are some huge problems here. I would think about an annulment of the marriage. I just don't think we know all to this story.

That is why I said it is one tough pill to swallow because that child will be a reminder each and every day of her ONS. What are his choices? He can leave, or he can stay? He said that he wants to recover from the ONS but could not raise the child as his own because the child is a different race than he is! I understand his feelings I really do. I get triggers everytime I see the same car that she drives. I can't imagine having a baby from an affair in my house. If he decides to raise this child and he is recovering from the affair, then this man will be so much stronger than those who have opinions and gossips.

Good point Bryanp! I didn't do the math. There's got to be more to this story!

Ali~

I feel really sad to hear your story and it brings back a lot of bad memories for me. Having a lot of love for this child is just the tip of the iceburg. You will be financially responsible for the child and your WW.

My wife and I are rebuilding our marriage and we have 2 children. She got pregnant during her affair and got an abortion. Not an easy decision and it is very easy for people to judge. Remember that it is her decision but don't feel that you have to support her. Her position is self inflicted and you owe her nothing.

She didn't love you enough to keep her pants on so why should you risk your future on good faith?

You have no ties and my honest advice is to bail.

Sorry.

Shell,
What are the circumstances of the ONS? Although not impossible a ONS so early in her marriage sounds strange. In other words are you convinced this is the truth or is the OM somebody from her past? Your wife is very scared. She may not be coming completely clean on the details.

Is she answering your questions? Does she know who OM is? Has she given you details so you can confirm if you have all the facts? Does she show remorse?

Based upon this statement it doesn't appear so...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She say's that if I loved her enough we could get past this and be a family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a variation of the typical FWW statement of "hurry up and get over it" but it's been modified to read, "hurry up and get over it and by the way I'm having this baby regardless of what you think so you better just change your mind fast. It's all about me, me, me and me."

I agree with many of the others. It is a difficult decision. I can tell you that most BSs have a very difficuilt time with any affair let alone one that produces a "love child." Most of us have a tough time with triggers when we see a movie or TV show with adultery themes. Looking at a child every day for it's entire life would be a constant reminder.

To me it's not an issue of the race of the baby. It's an issue of it's very existence which will constantly remind you of your wife's idiocy during your honeymoon period.

What reason did she give for the ONS? My guess is that she didn't give one. I'd ask her for one. It would concern me if she can't come up with anything. I guess I just can't relate to an affair that occurs in the first year of the marriage.

People who have affairs are acting very selfishly. This selfishness is usuallly rationalized over a long marriage. "It's OK to do this bc I haven't felt loved or special for so long."

How old is your wife? This sounds like the behavior of an immensely immature person.

How old are you? If my wife had done this to me in our first year of marriage I would have ahd the marriage annuled.

Take it from someone who is older. You do not want to look back years from now and think, "why didn't I leave her when I had the chance." It'll be too late. You'll be trapped with the responsiblities of more children.

If you have other children with this woman they'd better be the spitting image of you or else you will always wonder...

BTW, I don't think I've ever given this opinion/advice in my tenure her on MB.

I'm sorry that you have this to deal with.

Mac

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

The Policy of joint agreement is that we don't do anything without enthusiastic agreement from our spouse.

Of course an Affair is something shell-of-a-man would never have agreed to. Now he and his W are trying to come to agreement on what to do with the child that is coming as a result of the A. DR Harley says that trying to change the spouses mind is not joint agreement. We have a right to our own feelings.

One of the the best ways to come to agreement is to ask our spouse: "what would it take for you to agree to this (whatever it is that is wanted.)" and have the other state under what conditions (if any ) agreement can be reached.

I wonder if we have the right to tell "Shell " what WE think his feelings should be. Our feelings may be different, his W's feelings are different, but his feelings are his feelings.

I suppose we could go the other way and say that after what his W has done, how can she not do everything in her power to make things right with him. In many cases, adoption is a great thing for the child - to be taken into a home where they will be loved and cared for by two parents WHO ARE NOT HAVING MARRIAGE PROBLEMS could be a very good thing.

Now, I am not advocating that, please understand, I am getting both sides out in the open.

I don't know what the best course of action is for this couple. All of you are right in saying that it's not the child's fault. However, it is also true that the child will probably do best in a home where the parents are in love, and the marriage is stable - regardless of whether it is the home of the birth parents, or adoptive parents.

Under the circumstances I think we are asking a lot if we just say "a baby is a baby, change your attitude." We might be able to show that with logic, but logic often doesn't change someone's feelings - and you can look in almost any thread on the board where someone is having an an A, and see that.

I recommend Shell-of-a-man and his W call the Harleys, or Penny Tupy for counseling. I think there is to much at stake here, and to much has already happened, to just hope it will all work out.

I also think a counselor can help them talk thorugh the decisions that will need to be made in the next few months.

Anyway, Sorry Shell, for kind of talking about you like you aren't here. Are you doing anything for counseling right now, and if not, are you willing to get that kind of help?

SS

shell-of-a-man,

Here is an article by Dr Willard Harley Jr titled What To Do When You (Or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant With A Lover's Child . Consider the following excerpt:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you beleive that you cannot love the child your W is carrying then please consider divorcing her. She has stated her steadfastness in not wanting to give up her child for adoption and you your steadfastness not to raise a child from a different racial background. This is a situation where there doesn't seem to be a mutually satisfactory agreement that would satisfy the two of you. Furthermore, the fact that she was unfaithful just a short time after she got married speaks very ill as to a future with her.

Good luck.

I am very sorry to hear your story!

I have not much to offer except prayer. You are very early in the M (marriage), and you have (despite what you feel) not invested very much yet. Both the bible and most cultures would agree that you are now allowed to D (Diverse). I will give you no advice to do so, just point out that you will never later in this M have a situation where you are so free to act in that direction. Later there will be a common economy, ties to the family on both sides, common children, common history and so on.
What I do advice is that you post your story also in the pregnancy/child forum at this cite. There they will have experience with your situation.

There is also the possibility to phone consult with Dr. Harley. Given your difficult situation, that would in my opinion be wise.

I do not see you as a rascist. I am a black male in an inter-racial marriage and can see how you can have serious issues raising a baby of a different race. If it was adopted it would be different, but this one will serve as a constant reminder of your wives infidelity. On the other hand, I don't think it would be much different if the baby were from the same race. You might be able to fool those around you, but you will always know the truth. You are perhaps focusing too much on what those around you will say and not enough on how you feel. I know I'll get a lot of 2x4's for this, but I think such a situation right at the beginning of the marriage has doomed it from the onset. As someone who also got married this year, I know that I would not want to deal with such a burden for the rest of my life. Furthermore, I would have serious doubts about a partner how manages to cheat on you during the euphoric post-marriage "honeymoon" phase. Personally, I would cut my losses and get a divorce.

I agree with TooMuch Coffee...if Shell doesn't think he can love this child unconditionally, then the best thing for all concerned is to end the marriage - and the relationship - and move on.

I'm curious about the man who was involved in the ONS. Is he married? If so...does his wife know?

Having said that, I will add this: there are ALWAYS going to be reminders of some of the traumatic things that happened in our lives. I know it's easy to say, but..you DO have to find a way to move past them.

Shell...I can tell you this from personal experience: if you open your heart to that child, you may be surprised what you find. My first child isn't "mine" biologically. But honestly, I never think about that. In my mind, he is simply MY son. It's funny...he and I look NOTHING alike (he looks exactly like his mamma.) But..he tells people all the time that he is happy to look so much like me. That says somethign about our relationship, I think. I couldn't be any closer to him if he were my "real" child.

I know race is an issue here. You need to examine all of the feelings you are having - perhaps with the help with a counselor. But..if you DO decide to stay married, you have to vow to yourself NOT to take any of your resentment or doubts out on the child.

And then there's the issue of future children to consider.

For all the reasons already mentioned, I personally would not be able to stay. But if you do decide to, you need to be 100% committed to the M and to the child. You don't mention what the OM's position is in all of this; if he's planning to be around, you'll have to be able to handle that as well.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this mess.

Shell,

I noticed from your post on the pregnancy board that there are already children involved. If I read it correctly..your wife already has two kids, right?

If that's the case...this situation is a LOT more complicated, because you wouldn't just be rejecting an unborn child who may not be yours. You'd be turning your back on two kids who probably ALREADY see you as their daddy.

THEIR welfare is a consideration here, also. Ultimately, yes, you have a right to take care of yourself.

But..you need to think very carefully about what is best for the children you already have.