Greetings. I hope I’m posting this in the right forum. I need advice, help, input, or whatever I can get in helping me decide how to deal with a very unusual (to me) predicament.

I’ve been married to the woman of my dreams for one year now, as of October. I’m in my early 50s and she will be 50 next year. We’ve both been married before. So, we’re both mature adults and have been around the block a few times. Several months ago around July or August, I sat down at the computer at home. I turned on the monitor and noticed that she had apparently neglected to sign out of her e-mail account. I then noticed an e-mail from someone which had a “suggestive” greeting. I don’t normally pry. But, she is my wife and I felt that I had a right to know what this was. When I opened up the e-mail and read the contents, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. It was a very sexually explicit e-mail from some man. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I didn’t have the slightest reason to believe or suspect she would be involved in this sort of interaction. After all, we are newlyweds. I am very attentive to her. We are both very sexually attracted to each other. We have a very good sex life with each other. There’s no obvious reason for her to stray. Going back several months beforehand, I remembered she told me the password to her e-mail in order for me to help her make some adjustments to her e-mail settings. I’m guessing at this point she probably doesn’t remember doing that. Anyway, I’ve been monitoring her e-mail ever since. The e-mails between them continue. He talks very dirty to her, and is very explicit about what he wants to do to her. He pushes the idea of having a rendezvous at some point. Some of the letters I’ve read indicate that she talks to him over her cell phone and that the conversations are also very provocative.

I have found out from her by using my own subtle approach, (without revealing that I’ve been reading her e-mails) that this guy is an ex-boyfriend (lover), or whatever. She insists they are “just friends”. He is a younger man who now lives in another city and is also a newlywed himself. The e-mails seem to appear in clusters. There may be a quiet period of up to two weeks, and then suddenly there may be a cluster of them over a period of a few days. I have noticed that even though he is using very explicit language, my “wife” is more cordial on her end and does not use the explicit language. At most, she teases him by revealing what color panties she’s wearing. The conversation includes what they do to their spouses in bed. Again, more explicit on his part. Then he becomes very descriptive about what he’d like to do to her.

I’m very perplexed by all of this. Part of the reason I married my wife is because of the trust I developed in her. This is not the sort of thing I would expect from a mature woman in her late forties who by all accounts appears to be happily married to me. She has told me about a co-worker of hers that is having an affair, to which she expresses her disapproval. She has always stated that she doesn’t believe in that sort of thing and would never go there herself. But yet, what I’m observing seems to contradict that.

My wife is a very attractive and sexy woman. She looks very young for her age and has a very high libido. I also look 10 years younger than my actual age and very fit. There is a strong physical attraction between us. I’ve also noticed that she does get turned on when I talk dirty to her while we’re making love or when I send her sexually explicit e-mails. She really seems to love that sort of thing, which I had not realized before we were married.

At this point I’m not sure how to handle this anymore. My current approach is to just keep monitoring the situation and let things take their course. One of these days this guy will probably make it to town on business. If they meet up I will know, based on their e-mail correspondence. I believe that taking a passive approach will reveal her true character. It may end up in divorce. But, at least I’ll know the type of person I’m married to. On the other hand, I’m hoping (wishing) there was some way I could deter this situation without revealing that I’ve been reading her e-mails. It’s eating away at me and it’s difficult going through this marriage pretending I don’t know. There’s got to be a better way to deal with this. Please help!!

Hello,

I am very sorry for you. How heartbreaking to hear a newlywed like your wife involved in such discussions with an ex-boyfriend. I wonder how she would feel if the roles were reversed. This behavior is totally unacceptable and disrespectful to you and your marriage. I would have a sit down and bring up the subject in such a way as to how she would feel if you exchanged sexual communications with an ex-girlfriend and whether she would find that disrespectful. You will find out if she tells you the truth. If she denies then I would think about protecting yourself because she is not committed to your marriage. I wish you luck.

Sorry you are here, but it's good that you found this site now, rather than later.

First of all, purchase and read Surviving an Affair, by Willard Harley, founder of this site. Until you get the book, go to the home page and read all about the Marriage Builder's philosophy, and the basic concepts.

Do not confront your W (wife) until you have read and understand how to do so. Many of your instincts will lead you to do things that will complicate the process of saving your marriage. Your wife is in an EA, an emotional affair, and they can be as deadly to a marriage as a PA, a physical affair.

Another book you might want to purchase, is Not Just Friends. Your W will tell you that's all she and the OM, other man, are. Not Just Friends will give you the facts to explain to her that it's not possible to have a "secret" friend, and that her actions are not part of a healthy marriage.

Read other posts here, and continue posting. This site is full of caring and compassionate people who can help you survive this unfortunate experience in your life. Buy in to the Marriage Builders philosophy. It's real, it works, and it can save your marriage, but not if you don't execute the plans well, and fully understand the concepts.

Best wishes,
SD

Reading this forum is so helpful. I appreciate the feedback so far. It's at least somewhat comforting knowing that there is support here from those who have been through this and care.

I have figured out an approach to confront her about her emails to the OM without her knowing that I've been reading them. It will put her in a very compromising position with no way out. But, it will get the matter out in the open. Good idea? Bad idea? I would appreciate as much feedback as possible.

Thanks in advance

MRH52

Good idea, IF you purchase and read SAA first.. There is a right way and a wrong way to confront, and you need a plan for this whole process. It's all in the book. Had I not bought the book and fully understood the process, I would have wasted HUGE amounts of time and efforts, not to mention doing things that were absolutely counterproductive.

Please don't fly by the seat of yer pants throught this. Believe in the MB way, and follow through by the book. Your chances of success will be exponential.

SD

Okay, I will take your advice and not confront my W until I've read Surviving an Affair, by Willard Harley. However, I do not want to order it and have it delivered to the house. That would certainly give her cause to wonder. Can anyone tell me if it is available in bookstores?

Thanks

Hey, glad you made it back! Any major bookstore should have the book.

Do your best, as you already thought, not to give up your info source. You may need it down the road. Also, keep all your evidence in a safe place, as a just found out spouse will want to destroy it. Make copies, if necessary for confrontation.

If all this is computer based, you may want to purchase and install a key logger on your computer (google: spyware) specter pro is one of many. Trial version will give themselves away on boot-up, so purchase the "full version".

If you think cell phone use is part of the contact, you can go online with many providers and get a call log. You can also purchase at Radio Shack a recorder for both ends of phone conversations (illegal in many areas, but done, just the same... I did, it's how I caught my FWW).

This Marriage Builder's philosophy works, in many cases, although being hard to do. It's up to you to decide if you want to attempt to save your marriage, if, indeed, your wife is involved outside your marriage.

Good luck
SD

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Before you confront your wife, print out copies of all the emails. The day you confront your wife, but before you confront her, call the OM's wife, tell her who you are, and ask her if she is aware of the relationhsip between her H and your W. Describe the emails and an overview of their contents, and ask if she would like the emails. If she says yes, mail them. If not, fine.

You would want to know if you were in her shoes, right?

shattered dreams:

Thanks for all your input. I’m way ahead of you. I have all of the emails printed out and kept in my secret place. As far as a key logger, most, if not all of the emails exchanges take place on her computer at work. There’s very little opportunity for her to do this at home with me and the kids around most of the time. So, it may be of little use in this case. Regarding the call log. She has her own cell phone under her name. Can I still gain access to her call log online? Also, all phone conversations between them will be on her cell phone and most likely her work phone too. Would this recorder work on a cell phone?


johnh39:

I do not personally know this guy much less have a way of contacting his wife. I wish I did. All I know is he lives in another town and he is an ex-boyfriend (recently married also) that she has maintained contact with. Unfortunately all I see are the emails.


Thanks again

mrh52

Ahem

There are spyware programs that CAN be remotely installed, but would be illegal, if you were caught, but if you had access to her work computer, you could install the keylogger and read it from a remote computer.

If you can get her phone bills, ie, account number and guess her password, you should be able to see her cell bill online. You may be able to request it from the provider, saying it's your daughter....

You can also get recorders for cell phones, I'm told, but I don't know how that works. Google spyware and see what ya get!

http://www.spydevicecentral.com/
http://www.spyequipmentguide.com/cellular-interceptor.html

Good luck
SD

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

You have an email address, you should be able to find out the rest.

Update:

Okay, haven’t been able to find “Surviving an Affair” at the bookstore yet. But, I did buy “His Needs, Her Needs” and have found it to be very helpful. It makes so much sense. I’ve been applying the principles discussed in the book and she seems to be responding very favorably. She seems very happy with me and behaves like a woman in love who is completely fulfilled by her marriage and home life. The needs that are important to a woman that Dr. Harley discusses are being met. We get along tremendously well. I see the look of adoration for me in her eyes. I know it’s not an issue of sexual attraction between us. She tells me all the time how sexy she thinks I am, and I’m always doing the same for her. It’s almost like what you would expect from a new romance with all the touching and affection between us. But, the emails between them still persist. I opened her email today and found two from him. In one, she even tells him how great her and I are getting along. Apparently they talk quite a bit on the phone because she is assuring him it’s okay to call her on her cell phone, which she sometimes shares with her teenage daughter. The tone of the emails seems to be heating up with excitement, mostly on his part. Based on that, I can only assume that their phone conversations are getting pretty hot and heavy. I can see where this is leading to a PA. The most disturbing part is in his email, he is wanting her to get free for a few hours sometime during the weekend of December 10 under the pretext she is going Christmas shopping. He says his wife is going to New York and he could drive to town and get a room so they can, and I quote, “l_ck, s_ck, kiss, and f_ck” (fill in the blanks).
She and I have plans this weekend for our own romantic getaway at a bed and breakfast. She has been so excited and looking forward to our getaway for weeks. But, I’m sick at the pit of my stomach right now after reading these emails. I don’t know how I can go through with a passionate night of lovemaking and romance with my wife knowing that she’s involved in this passionate sexual affair with her so-called friend. What the hell is she doing? How can she do this? How can she be so loving toward me and deceitful at the same time. This is breaking my heart, I’m hurting so much inside. As you can tell I’m pretty distraught at the moment. I can’t think too clearly right now. Can someone tell me what to do?

mrh52

mrh52,
Don't assume that your wife isn't calling this gut from your house. It may not be as often as fro the cell or woek phone it happens.

Would it be a long distance or toll call to his area? If so she may not, but if she's depseerate she might.

For example, she makes plans to meet him and at the last minute something comes up she may need to make that one time call from the house. Or on weekends if she knows that his wife is out of town and you go out for an hour, shae might call him or he might even call her.

Why would he call her? For the thrill of doing something somewhat dangerous.

My wife was a SAH wife so she only used the house phone and her cell. I recorded a conversation that told me everything I needed to know. I didn't need to know every single conversation just that they weren't "just friends".

I also got into her cell log by knowing her soc sec # and guessing her password.

They were also leaving each other v-mails. One morning when she wasn't up as early as usual bc of a cold, I looked at her cell and saw that there was a v-mail. I dialed the v-mail call in # and guessed her password. Bam. I heard the Om whining about how he missed her and needed to "see" her.

Give it a try if you have the chance. Just remember you don't need to hear every detail.

That goes for when and if she decides to tell you about the affair. Trust me that in the long run it is better for your recovery not to hear every single detail. At the time I thought otherwise and it drove me nuts , but I now have a different perspective.

Take care of yourself.

Mac

Bah!! take it easy peesy lemon squeezy

I suggest you log in on to yoru wife's email and send him a message.

Start the message on a "hot" note, how you want him, and want to feel him and then BAM! (insert record scratch here)... State that you are the husband and that you accidently "fell" into your wifes emails. Tell him that being 50 years old you would have never have guessed that you would be dealing with these "high school" jokes... Remind him that both him and your wife are newly married and that to give it a chance (be very mature about it) and ask him what he's going to do "if/when" his wife finds out. You need to word it so that the OM feels like the little [censored] punk he is and that you are bigger than life. Laugh about it too in the reply because this is funny (being older an all).

Then tell your wife what you did and word it so that she thinks you just laughed about it, and put that little boy in his place. Give your W a big hug, shug it off and joke about it. Let her know that emails like that are fun but can be dangerous.

Also note that you will have to monitor her for a bit now.... keep note on her activities.

I am sure once the light is shed on this issue your W will see you as the better person and easy going.

No need to tell OMW yet but keep that card up your sleeve for insurance.

Good Luck Bro!

I am a newbie here but the last person, at least to me, looks like a troll....

Please read other forums before taking action that any one poster suggests. You will see a great consistency to most everyone's advice here....that's what leads me to believe the above is a troll....

TM

Hi Again... Troll as in trolling the pages.. There is some truth to that as it has been years since I found this site that saved my marriage. I am glad to see this site still helping others.

Apply whatever is required to solve this issue and to build a long lasting relationship.

My thoughts are to not get in a trap and start "spying" on your W. This becomes addictive and the end results are always based on what your do at the beginning.

I figure either shed light on this issue now via "light heartedly" and start building from there or "spy" longer to see what the W does while your meet her needs.

I wish the best of luck Mrh52 and hope you get this issue resolved before it gets worse.