I was just reading His Needs and Her Needs.

The one part that I read over again and I read now from a view where I am not in a "fog" was the part where you have to dress yourself to fit your husbands needs. Like if your h. likes long hair grow it long, He is likes a certain color, dye it?
If he like you to dress a cetain way, dress that way.
I need some male feed back here. ladies feel free to answer as well. I understand that keeping yourself up is important but changing yourself image to meet your h. expectations of what he is attracted to, just floors me. Can someone help me out with this. Am I being defensive?

Ali~

Perhaps

I would employ the Policy of Joint Agreement into the mix. What's the harm in compromise? Dyeing the hair some radical color may not be in order, but highlights, or safe and reasonable requests should be entertained.

If your H bought and wore only plaid shirts, and you didn't like them, would you feel loved and honored if you asked him to consider stripes or solids, and he agreed?

Is there more to your question than changes in your appearance to please your spouse?

SD

Ali88,

Ideally ... he would also go to shopping even he didn't like it ... he would get his butt of the bed and remove the snow from the drive way to make sure you could drive out ... etc. If he doesn't ... he might open the door for OP to fillin that role <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

You should do anything to make your H happy as long as it doesn't hurt you (giver) ... you should make sure your H make you happy as long as it doesn't hurt him (taker). Any other second thought should be put on the table for discussion (POJA).

If you ask me ... I would do anything to make my mate happy b/c I know that she would make me happy to in bed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Focus on things that deposit LU$ and if your H does the same ... your ar on your wy to build a fullfilln M.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> changing yourself image to meet your h. expectations of what he is attracted to, just floors me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You ask if you are being defensive. I can't answer that until you answer this...Why NOT "[change] your self image to meet your h. expectations"? Hmmm...?

I have made many changes to accomodate my wife since DDay, and she has made many for me. I would classify them as "learning new things", adn "growing", though, not as "becoming someone I'm not".

What makes changing your 'look' into "changing your self-image"?

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 11:51 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Hello,

I was doing x-mas shopping all day yesterday and when I got in I was pooped! So I was unable to get back with you all yesterday.

I am OK with my appearence. I am well groomed, good hygiene etc. I believe he is ok with how I look too. He tells me he like the way I dress. But this question was not about me, it was a general question.
I thought when you marry someone, you hopefully know who they are. So you accept them. Obviously there was some attraction in the beginning. But going over that again and again, I think what I read was that some people let themselves go after a while to loose that phyiscal attraction. Gain some weight, not comb their hair, no shower etc, That is what I am hoping that chapter is about.
But then I can interpret this way on the other extreme. Let's say a persons partner didn't look good in that particular look that the person wanted in their spouse. For instance, I have natural chestnut colored hair. But what if he liked punk rock super spiky hair with purple tips. I know that is not my personality and I would feel ridiculous wearing a hair style like that. So should I change my style that drastic to meet his needs??? I mean that is the message I got! And yes, I do get my hair highlighted to what looks natural on me. Just to enhance my natural hair color. I want to look good for myself more than I do my husband. Sounds bad. But if I feel confident, it will show. Isn't that attraction?

OK here is a real lfe issue. He wears contacts. He wants to go back to wearing glasses. I love his blue eyes because they're really brilliant and his lashes are what every women dies for. I tell him that it would hide one of the things that I found him attractive if he goes back. But he is uncomfortable in them. Lazer surgery is out because we are broke, but if any one wants to make donations, we'll gladly accept! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I asked him if we could compromise and he wants glasses full time. Unfortuately, he can't wear the glasses that just came out that are "invisable" because he can't see very well. Poor guy!

OK I am all over the place on this issue. Hopefully you all understand what I am trying to say here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

I still think it boils down to the Policy of Joint Agreement.

If my W wanted me to pierce anything, I'd be reluctant to do so. She has one pierce in each ear, and wanted more, but when she asked if she should, I explained why I'd rather she didn't get the additional holes. She didn't feel all that strongly either way, so she didn't go forth with it. I took that to mean she respected my opinion. I, on the other hand, would not want to pierce my body, and I believe she would respect my wishes.

Some modes of dress or hair styles could interfere with job security, and those kinds of things should be taken into consideration.

JMHO
SD

Ali,

I get the feeling that you want a pass on everything that pleases your husband because of what he did to you.

I could be wrong...

Here's my take on it: my husband cares very little for his appearance. When I can get him to go to the gym with me, he walks on a treadmill at a pace of about 2.5 miles per hour. If I stay with it long enough on my own exercise routine, after about 40 minutes he gets bored and trots up to about 4.5 mph, and breaks a sweat. If he does that, his personality becomes lighter, and happier instead of sullen and depressed and negative.

He doesn't care about matching colors either. He loves the white gym socks in his sock drawer and wears them with everything, including his black wool suit.

Now, if his attitude and wardrobe choices are unattractive to me, and he took the attitude that I should just love him as he is, I'd have quite a dilemma, because negativity and bad breath are really icky to get close to.

I have gray hair, but you'd never know it. I have wrinkles in my face, but I don't show them off. I have discolored spots in my skin, and thinning eyelashes too. If my husband "notices" a certain color of clothing, I tend to wear that more. He hates me wearing black clothes, and even though its' "slimming" and I can use every visual slimming technique I can get, since I work my butt off and it doesn't come off anyway... I wear bright colored "matching" clothes - lots of reds, burgundies, greens, and blues, and sometimes, if I can find the right shade that doesn't exaggerate those off-colored spots on my face, his favorite color - yellow.

I accommodate my husband because I love him and take pleasure in pleasing him. And I know what kind of a love-buster it is, when he can't be bothered.

It's your marriage. Make him happy or make him pay. It's your choice.

No, no, no, no! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It was just a general question. Not about me. Just in whole. I know my husband is happy with how I look.

From what I interpret, I thought I was reading that you have to change your whole image to please your spouse. I thought that was degrading. Here we are changing our appearence to suit our spouse's needs. But then I can read that particular chapter in the book and think this. Let's say someone's hygine is realy bad. They don't shower every day and t has become a pattern from them. They smell like greasy hair and bad body ordor. Their spouse feels that they don't take care of themselves the way they used too.
And then feels turned off.

But then you can take it to the other extreme. Let's say your husband is into leather! Just an exaggeration here. And he knew what your dress code was like when he married you. He want's your to wear skimpy little leather skirts and wear a super large blonde wig when the two of you go out because that is what his dream of his women is. Now, I think that is pretty degrading. So I can see that point from a lot of different views. But I am hoping it is the taking care of self is what Dr. Harly is referring too.

Ali~